Hell, oh again.
After being mostly right about what qualified and what didn’t I thought I’d do a quick overview of the final songs so you can glance through when watching the final. I hope you survive watching the contest.
1 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure
SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one opens the show?
Verdict: Another One Bites the Dust mixed with early Girls Aloud.
Top 5: No
2 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand
The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.A better title is “I Can’t Stand It”
On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.
Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Top 5: Coma
3 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down
This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.
Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Top 5: Probably
4 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle
This one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really, really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.
Verdict: Rather splendid
Top 5: Yes
5 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer
A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!
Also he is rather hot. I want to make his eyes look like creampied-vaginas.
Verdict: Bloody crotch
Top 5: Yes
6 – ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation
Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.
Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No and if you like it I recommend you take a bath with your toaster
7 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars
STANDARD PIANO BALLAD
I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…
Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.
Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Top 5: Flushed away.
8 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime
If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.
Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Top 5: No
9 – SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry
Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.
On second listen before the final it is quite nice. I just wanted something more. It’s very subtle and quite talky. Amongst the mix of terribleness though this one could jump out and surprise us.
Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: Good performance = yes
10 – GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost
Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.
Did a song happen?
Top 5: No
11 – FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché
This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.
Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes & one of my favourites
12 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life
This one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.
Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Top 5: Heinous.
13 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence
How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?
Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.
Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Top 5: It’s a favourite for some reason. People are dumb.
14 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego
Ha, this is rock Eurovision. Like Zeromancer or that rockier Apoptygma Berzerk record. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.
Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Top 5: Yes I think so
15 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)
STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2
Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.
Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Top 5: Bosnian war crimes
16 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night
STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3
Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!
Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.
Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Top 5: Absolutely never
17 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse
I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.
Verdict: Stodgy stools
Top 5: Nope.
18 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One
Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.
Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Top 5: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.
19 – SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!
It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. So coming after the absolute favourite basically bones it I’d say. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing, but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.
Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No
20 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat
This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.
I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.
Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Top 5: I really hope so.
21 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944
This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.
Final: Marmite song – either top 5 or bottom 5.
22 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water
If your ears are still working properly after 21 tracks you may like this one. A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.
Top 5: Yes
23 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold
Okay this is the bit where you want to turn the whole thing off. I love this one because it’s such a jumble sale of nonsense. But you know, it’s nice to have something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?
Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.
You know what.This should never have qualified. The fact it has gives me faith. Fuck it, yes, this will win. LOL
Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints probably
Top 5: 200-1? I’ll take that each way. Just in case…
24 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici
Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková
Top 5: Dismembered and on fucking fire in a wheely bin if there is any good left in the world
25 – UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.
Now let’s all celebrate that our government tried to decline thousands of refugee children access to the UK the other week.
Verdict: Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.
Top 5: No
26 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave
Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.
Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Top 5: No
So I reckon unless some shit ballad wins you’re probably looking at these:
Azerbaijan 200-1 now? Was the semi-final that bad? Actually no chance!
Won’t win but will be second or third:
I have no idea what is going on and this one should not be in the contest at all so it might win by accident: