What up Europhiles (and those in Australia and Israel). How’s it going you gigantic bunch of unflushable turds? When I first started writing these many years ago I never thought I’d still be doing it or that more people than ever would be reading them. So with that said let’s turn on the stereo and listen to what awfulness Eurovision 2015 has to offer. As always I will be listening to them in Semi Final 1 and 2 order.
Deep breath. Here we go…
1. MOLDOVA – Eduard Romanyuta – I Want Your Love
So far, so 90s. It’s very honky. WAH WAH WAH WAH like all the fucking time. A whole song built on “-er” rhymes – except the one that counts: “wank-er”. Chorus is not bad but that incessant beat that goes through the verse and chorus stops it ever actually peaking. All the choruses are the same too – no change in what it does.
Looking at the name I cannot believe that was a man singing though – mind you, when I see the name Eduard all I can think of is that willy woofter from Twilight.
2. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow
First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was this written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.
Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?
3. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside
Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up. Certainly the best out of the first three.
Oh, sorry, I’ve been told she is a he. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.
4. NETHERLANDS – Trijntje Oosterhuis – Walk Along
Of course you’ll like this one. You’re an idiot. You still listen to Left of the Middle by Natalie Imbruglia. You know how I know you’re definitely an idiot? You’re reading a blog on Eurovision.
5. FINLAND – Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivat – Aina mun pitää
Imagine if you gave a hungry tramp an electric guitar and a bottle of White Lightning cider and promised him a million pounds in cash if he wrote and performed a song for you right now – this is the song he would sing.
Then you would hose him down with piss.
6. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath
Sneering snort of laughter.
Oh fuck off.
I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.
7. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday
Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.
8. MACEDONIA – Daniel Kajmakoski – Autumn Leaves
Speaking of TV shows, this is the montage music from a finale scene in House MD. The chorus begins to peel away that schmaltz though and I enjoy the way it’s ever morphing into something else. I won’t say it builds as I don’t think it does, it’s just very playful with its arrangement. Yeah, you know what, this one is good, maybe great. Not a winner for sure, but a solid song with some nice beats thrown in.
Wild card. This is the best one so far.
9.; SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies
Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.
And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty in what is a blatant attempt to bring a moment of joy to a nation of dead eyed child killers.
10. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing
FART SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH
11. BELARUS – Uzari & Maimuna – Time
Standard Eurovision here. Deep house beginnings and wonderfully uptempo. You know the chorus is coming from a mile off but as it keeps changing I found it pretty enjoyable. Loved the violin in the break too. Could be massive based on what I’ve heard so far – probably the only one that has a great drive to it.
12. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices
Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace. It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.
13. DENMARK – Anti Social Media – The Way You Are
Ah, it’s Scouting for Retards again! Seriously, is this a thing now? That happy clappy everything is fine Dodgy sound from 1990. Is that coming back now? I hope the video is them dancing in an immigration detention camp and showing pictures of them poking holes in paper cut out cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad with their nobs.
14. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive
Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.
Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.
15. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)
Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.
Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.
16. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior
Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to be last and reckon that’ll help it qualify. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.
Tip: don’t write a song called Warrior when Ke$ha has an album called that and it’s better than anything you could even consider writing.
1. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time
I’m feeling hate. I want blood. Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.
Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.
2. IRELAND – Molly Sterling – Playing With Numbers
“They tied my arms but I cut through.” So this one is about being kidnapped by the IRA and celebrates the Stockholm syndrome that had developed between her and Gerry Adams.
This is so ineffectual it’s an Ed Miliband speech. Remember, I mentioned him before? He’s a cunt.
3. SAN MARINO – Michele Perniola & Anita Simoncini – Chain Of Lights
It’s just a heal the world song that has the opposite effect – mostly by promoting the mass execution of everyone in San Marino. And let’s face it, if you can’t get peace right in a country as small as San Marino with its population of 6 people then I think it’s fair to say the world is fucked.
Lyrically and musically it’s as exhausting and horrendous as trying to clean your butt when tapeworm are poking through your anal muscles and each wipe sends echoes of pain throughout your body and makes you want to die.
4. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio
After being punished aurally by the last 2 songs and bludgeoned with dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.
5. MALTA – Amber – Warrior
What, hang on, another one called Warrior. Is this the Ultimate Warrior?
Yes it is. Because it’s FUCKING DEAD.
6. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me
Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.
7. PORTUGAL – Leonor Andrade – Há um mar que nos separa
Interesting at last. Thank Satan. There’s a rough cut of a dirty electro song with some ill-placed vocals but then the chorus is just a dialed-in Coldplay middle-of-the-road-but-with-several-doggy-plops-alongside-it. Oh, it appears that Coldgay-plop-plop is probably what the band wanted and that slightly edgier verse is thanks to a producer I imagine. Rest of the song stays in snooze mode. Couldn’t even be bothered to finish the song and all the band leave as she says the final line. Assume they went on a siesta.
8. CZECH REPUBLIC – Marta Jandová & Václav Noid Bárta – Hope Never Dies
Like the Green Party – shows some potential early on but concentrates its efforts on what it’s saying and not how it’s saying it so no one cares.
9. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy
What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.
(Obviously, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.)
10. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected
Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.
11. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf
BACK TO REALITY THEN.
Less than 1% good. Dialed-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.
12. ICELAND – María Ólafs – Unbroken
Definitely an improvement. Nicely produced vocals and a smooth arrangement including some solid beats that give this a bit more sparkle.
Noticing a lot of dark/light/shadow metaphors. Let’s be fair Iceland if you want to move into the light I’d suggest moving the fuck out of Iceland. Or at least pay your electric bill.
13. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes
Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.
I do like their Lego too.
14. SWITZERLAND – Mélanie René – Time To Shine
There is a lot of songs this year that have a great verse and a chorus that doesn’t quite meet expectations. I’m glad this one works. Bit of a clumsy ending. But I do like the way it never gives any section enough time. Guitar solo? Snipped after 30 secs! Onto the next bit. Snipped after 30 seconds. Someone should do that with Nigel Farage’s speeches. And then his throat.
15. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done
No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”
16. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You
Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, not much to say here started thinking about the general election who are you going to vote for not sure myself probably greens or snp maybe snp have done some good stuff in scotland and it would be funny for labour to get the kicking it deserves for deserting the workers but greens are probably more where my beliefs are need to put some more thought into that fuck tory lib dem labour and ukip basically oh song has finished.
17. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love
A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.
For some reason, the worst countries in the world are allowed to skip the semi finals and inflict their horseshit music unquestioned by the rest of the Euroscum. I find that weird. Especially this year as there is some real shit here:
AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again
Australia? Why are you in?!
Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine. If you weren’t being an utter selfish cunt. After electing Tony Abbott the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master and seeing him spout anti-gay anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Then you’d have to get off your fucking ass and fight this cunt. But no, you just sit there and pretend it’s all not happening. You lardy kangaroo fucker.
As with Israel, ignoring my political thinking, the song is uptempo and fun and actually quite ok. It sickens me.
AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours
Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.
Oh, unless the guy cuts his dick off and puts it into a hot dog bun for Conchita to munch on?
FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas
Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.
(Edited to remove original bad taste joke.)
GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke
[Unfair comment redacted]
Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.
ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore
Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.
SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer
Fucking hell. All of these finalists are the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. None of them would have qualified if they didn’t get automatic entry.
UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You
HEY EUROPE! WE STILL THINK WE’RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE MASTERS! OH YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, EH? HAVE A BIT OF GEORGE OSBORNE’S SHRIVELED BALLSAC TO CHEW ON WHILE WE RAPE YOUR EARS OUT.
Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.
So then. What will win?
Simplest answer: Sweden by a fucking mile. Wait till you see the laser 3d stage show. So put some money on that now – odds will be pish but right now you’ll get double what you put on it.
What I fink (favourites and wildcard outliars)
Lastly, if Czech Republic get through the semi finals put money on them to come last in the final.