Stockholm Sindrome – The Final of Eurovision 2016

14 May cum togever

Hell, oh again.

After being mostly right about what qualified and what didn’t I thought I’d do a quick overview of the final songs so you can glance through when watching the final. I hope you survive watching the contest.

1 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one opens the show?

Verdict: Another One Bites the Dust mixed with early Girls Aloud.
Top 5: No

2 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.A better title is “I Can’t Stand It”

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Top 5: Coma

3 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Top 5: Probably

4 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

This one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really, really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Top 5: Yes

5 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Also he is rather hot. I want to make his eyes look like creampied-vaginas.

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Top 5: Yes

6 – ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No and if you like it I recommend you take a bath with your toaster

7 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Top 5: Flushed away.

8 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Top 5: No

9 – SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

On second listen before the final it is quite nice. I just wanted something more. It’s very subtle and quite talky. Amongst the mix of terribleness though this one could jump out and surprise us.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: Good performance = yes

10 – GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict: 
Top 5: No

11 – FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes & one of my favourites

12 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

This one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Top 5: Heinous.

13 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Top 5: It’s a favourite for some reason. People are dumb.

14 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this is rock Eurovision. Like Zeromancer or that rockier Apoptygma Berzerk record. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Top 5: Yes I think so

15 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Top 5: Bosnian war crimes

16 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Top 5: Absolutely never

17 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Top 5: Nope.

18 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Top 5: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

19 – SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. So coming after the absolute favourite basically bones it I’d say. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing, but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

20 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Top 5: I really hope so.

21 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: Marmite song – either top 5 or bottom 5.

22 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

If your ears are still working properly after 21 tracks you may like this one. A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Top 5: Yes

23 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Okay this is the bit where you want to turn the whole thing off. I love this one because it’s such a jumble sale of nonsense. But you know, it’s nice to have something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

You know what.This should never have qualified. The fact it has gives me faith. Fuck it, yes, this will win. LOL

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints probably
Top 5: 200-1? I’ll take that each way. Just in case… 

24 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Top 5: Dismembered and on fucking fire in a wheely bin if there is any good left in the world

25 – UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that our government tried to decline thousands of refugee children access to the UK the other week.

Verdict: Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.
Top 5: No

26 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Top 5: No

BUMMARY

So I reckon unless some shit ballad wins you’re probably looking at these:

France
Azerbaijan  200-1 now? Was the semi-final that bad? Actually no chance!
Cyprus
Hungary
Malta

Won’t win but will be second or third:

Netherlands
Russia
Australia

I have no idea what is going on and this one should not be in the contest at all so it might win by accident:

Georgia

 

Eurovision – Stockholm, Sweden 2016

30 Apr eurovision-2016-logo

eurovision-2016-logo

Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.

2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.

The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.

So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!

I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!

SEMI-FINAL 1

1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away

A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.

Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO

Verdict: JOYOUS
Final: Yes

2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land

After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.

Verdict: Argos homo delivery
Final: No

3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars

Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.

Verdict: Mol-NO-va
Final: No

4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Final: Yes

5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final

6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Final: Yes

7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Final: Yes

8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know

Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.

Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
Final: No

9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Splurge.

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.

11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win

12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Final: No

13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play

Another
Boring
Ballad
By
Some
Daft
Cunt
Who
Doesn’t
Matter

That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.

Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
Final: No

14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win

15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing

Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.

Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again

16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling

A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.

Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win

17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je

Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?

No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.

Verdict: Snooze
Final: No

18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Final: Yes

SEMI-FINAL 2

It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.

1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Final: Yes

2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Final: Yes

3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind

Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.

Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.

4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.

5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly

What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.

That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.

Verdict: JUST DULL
Final: No

6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Final: No

7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.

Disgusting and wrong.

Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
Final: Yes

8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona

A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.

Verdict: Dona kebab
Final: No

9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Final: Yes

10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Final: Yes

11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red

A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.

Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
Final: Yes

12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence

Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.

Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..

Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest

13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Final: No

14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love

Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.

Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
Final: Yes

15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: No

16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker

About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.

I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.

Verdict: No-Way
Final: No

17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
Final: Yes

18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.

Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
Final: Yes

19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.

Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
Final: Yes

SOME OTHER CUNTS

All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.

FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes

GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict:
Top 5: No

ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No

SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No

UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.

Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes

Summary

A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:

My Faves

ICELAND
FRANCE
FINLAND
AZERBAIJAN
UNITED KINGDOM

Outsiders

LITHUANIA
HUNGARY
CYPRUS
GEORGIA
BELGIUM

Worst songs that will probably win

RUSSIA
CROATIA
SWEDEN

Eurovision 2016: The UK Entries

22 Feb

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I am sick with fever so what better punishment to inflict on my body than to listen to all the UK entries into Eurovision 2016? That’ll teach my body to stop being so useless and weak.

As we have allowed the infested colon of the music industry to pick our songs for the last couple of years I notice we have lost heavily. Therefore they have decided to let the infested colon of the British public pick the next song instead. Don’t know why they don’t just stick ’em on Spotify and whichever one streams the most, pick that?

To make it more fun for myself I have also considered each song from a political perspective and how it could be perceived by the rest of Europe. Anyway, here are my thoughts on this years crop of forget-me-nows:

Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Starts off a bit ghost town. Vocals are very so-so – nice and strong but her voice itself hasn’t enough charisma or character to be a winner. Sure, chorus is grandiose nonsense but the verse is just unbearable beige from Planet Emptiness. Sounds like something that Katrina and the Waves would have entered 20 years ago and really has no place here.

Political Reaction
As we sit on our pillars of gold iPhones, slamming the gates in the faces of migrants, the key message Europe needs to hear from us right now is “shine a little light on me”. As per usual with millennial songs it’s selfish and vile.

Karl William Lund – Miracle
Sounds like it was written on a Fisher-Price My First Little Piano. Quite naff kick drum driving the song along. As expected the chorus is nice, a little bit Hurts, but the lyrics are confusing and emotionally detached.

The end is a real let-down – no bombastic double run of the chorus like you’d expect or hope for here. Not a contender in any way.

Political Reaction
He’s ginger so clearly the worst type of British monster. We’d be invaded for sending this.

Matthew James – A Better Man
Smooth fucking vocals on this bad boy. Cheesy space fx too. Little kick of drum and bass before the chorus is a nice touch. Never gets spectacular with quite a downplayed chorus that I really rather appreciate after the two earlier turds.

Political Reaction
This could go some way towards making amends for our European missteps. Sure, it doesn’t say “sorry we bombed Syria, invaded Iraq for no reason, think we’re important when our country is a gobby stinkhole” or any of the other things any sane person from the UK would say if forced to justify political decisions our country has made, but it at least it says we’re trying to be better.

Darline – Until Tomorrow
Urgh. Country-infused-pop. The worst genre of all time. Bar nothing. Sampling a man being castrated by ISIS and then putting it through a vocoder would be more pleasant on the ear than mothercunting country-infused-pop.  That banjo is so hideous it wilts the foundation of the human spirit. The twee nothingness of the vocals creates a black hole of words that combine into a vortex of emptiness. Staggeringly bleak, like seeing the pale faces of your children stare at you through the back windshield, pounding on the glass, as you stand ashore watching the car sink into the ocean.

Political Reaction
It kinda sums up the UK’s ego quite well. Desperately being helped to our feet by wealthier nations and then when we think we’re okay again pretending we don’t need anyone.

Dulcima – When You Go
While I really wanted to just say “First syllable: DULL” I can’t. I like this one. It reminds me of The Wonderstuff bizarrely. I don’t think this has any chance to win over the type of people who’ll be voting in the UK, but I think it would have a lot more of a chance in Eurovision than any of the other ones so far in the final. I adore both vocals even if the lyrics are a little bit simple. It’s the only one I’ve listened to twice.

Political Reaction
Lyrics like “It was you and me at the start”, “Don’t make this difficult” and “Meet you in the dark” feel like they’re nearly an apology and may go some way to repairing our broken image in Europe so that could work.

Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Um. This is autotuned to fuck. How are these vacuous haircut Thunderbird puppets gonna win when they have to perform live? The song has a great arrangement though – that high guitar drowned in reverb is lush. I CANNOT believe they use “oh oh oh” to finish some of their rhymes: lazy Songwriting 101 lessons for you two.

I think it’s likely this is the one to beat. I don’t like it as much and it has no chance at all to win Eurovision, but based on what poses for talent according to the flaccid corpse of the UKs music scene I’d expect us to enter this one.

Political Reaction
Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.

Final standings then
Dulcima – When You Go
Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Matthew James – A Better Man
Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Karl William Lund – Miracle

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you back here when I do my annual review of all the other Eurovision songs as my small way of bringing misery to the only thing you love.

Eurovision Vienna: 2015 – A run down of the finalistzzzz

22 May

Vienna2015_logo

Okay! So now the semi’s are over – and let’s face it we’ve all lost our semis after the flaccid wrecks of music that made it through – I thought I would post an update on my final thoughts before the final.

Here are my ignorant, childish and tongue-in-cheek comments about all this year’s rubbish. Please note: my verdicts are based on where I think the song will end up rather than where I want it to end up (Which would be on fire).

1. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You

Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, why is she wearing headphones? Her voice is annoying. She is annoying. That guy on the piano is annoying. Why are they miming playing a violin? Urgh.

Feels like they slowed it down and it’s just a beat or two off the pace it needs to be. Shame.

Verdict: Beats By Drivel

2. FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas

Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.

Verdict: Bottom 10

3. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.

On a lighter note, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.

Verdict: Top 10

4. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.

Verdict: Ignore what I just wrote. I love this one. Top 5.

5. UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You

HEY EUROPE! WE STILL THINK WE’RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE MASTERS! OH YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, EH? HAVE A BIT OF GEORGE OSBORNE’S SHRIVELED BALLSAC TO CHEW ON WHILE WE RAPE YOUR EARS OUT.

Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.

Also, this is the Bird’s Eye potato waffles theme.

Verdict. I‘m still not in love with you. More boos than Russia. Last.

6. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow

First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was the arrangement written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.

Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?

I have since learned that this song is about the genocide of Armenian people 100 years ago. Which is ironic as the song itself is also a war crime.

Verdict: Bottom 10

7. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time

‘I’m feeling hate. I want blood.’ Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.

Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.

Verdict: Bottom 5

8. SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.

And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty.

In retrospect, this one is pretty great. The fun they’re having is as infectious as a sexually transmitted disease and I can only celebrate that.

Verdict: Top 10

9. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.

Verdict: Bottom 5

10. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes

Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.

I do like their Lego too.

Verdict: Top 5 / Win

11. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done

No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”

Seriously, they’ve put this after Sweden? HAHAHA. This will come last. It’s the dullest most boring ballad of all time. He makes three minutes feel like twenty – which is only impressive if you’re fucking someone.

Verdict: Last

12. AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again

And then Australia after Cyprus? They really are the filling of a shit sandwich.

Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine if you hadn’t just elected Tony Abbott – the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master. After seeing him spout his anti-gay, anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Now’s the time to fight, not time to party.

Once again, on a lighter note, the song is very nice indeed. Has grown on me a lot and is my pick to win as everyone will give them points I reckon.

Verdict: Top 5

13. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside

Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up.

I like this one but no one else seems too. After Australia I think it’s in trouble in the final.

Oh, just seen the video now, and seen that ‘she’ is a ‘he’. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.

Verdict: Bottom 10

14. AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours

Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.

I wrote the above sentence on hearing the mp3 only. After seeing the performance there’s possibly something about this one – much like Netherlands last year. It sticks out against the others and just that difference could give it some impact. Also, host country always gets goodwill gesture points.

Verdict: Top 5

15. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath

Sneering snort of laughter.

Oh fuck off.

I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.

Verdict: On lifesupport.

16. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio

After being punished aurally by the last song and bludgeoned with its dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.

Verdict: Middle of nowhere

17. GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke

Germany singing about black smoke, eh? No extra comment required.

Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.

Verdict: Circling the drain.

18. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love

A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.

Verdict: Bottom 10.

19. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected

Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.

Verdict: Top 10.

20. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)

Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.

Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.

Verdict: Top 10

21. SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer

Fucking hell. This is the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. Would never have qualified if not for automatic entry.

Yes, I concur, she is very pretty but on the flipside she’s going out with Man United’s keeper. This song? It’s not a keeper.

Verdict: MIddle

22. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing

FART SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH

Verdict: Bottom 10

23. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior

Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to follow that bum trumpet from Hungary. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.

Hot girls in crazy costumes and skintight pvc is always going to get votes. Now excuse me a moment while I go fill up a bathtub with jizz.

Verdict: Top 10

24. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf

BACK TO REALITY THEN.

Less than 1% good. Dialled-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.

Verdict: West Brom.

25. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices

Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace.

It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.

On the song side- it’s great. Like really, really good. I think she’d make a great mail-order bride.

Verdict: Top 5

26. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive

Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.

Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.

Verdict: Bottom 5

27. ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore

Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.

Verdict: 56k modem dial up.

OVERALL BUMMARY

Everyone should be killed.

Eurovision Song Contest – Vienna 2015

11 Apr Vienna2015_logo

Vienna2015_logo

What up Europhiles (and those in Australia and Israel). How’s it going you gigantic bunch of unflushable turds? When I first started writing these many years ago I never thought I’d still be doing it or that more people than ever would be reading them. So with that said let’s turn on the stereo and listen to what awfulness Eurovision 2015 has to offer. As always I will be listening to them in Semi Final 1 and 2 order.

Deep breath. Here we go…

SEMI-FINAL 1

1. MOLDOVA – Eduard Romanyuta – I Want Your Love

So far, so 90s. It’s very honky. WAH WAH WAH WAH like all the fucking time. A whole song built on “-er” rhymes – except the one that counts: “wank-er”. Chorus is not bad but that incessant beat that goes through the verse and chorus stops it ever actually peaking. All the choruses are the same too – no change in what it does.

Looking at the name I cannot believe that was a man singing though – mind you, when I see the name Eduard all I can think of is that willy woofter from Twilight.

Qualify

2. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow

First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was this written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.

Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?

Not qualify

3. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside

Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up. Certainly the best out of the first three.

Oh, sorry, I’ve been told she is a he. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.

Not qualify

4. NETHERLANDS – Trijntje Oosterhuis – Walk Along

Of course you’ll like this one. You’re an idiot. You still listen to Left of the Middle by Natalie Imbruglia. You know how I know you’re definitely an idiot? You’re reading a blog on Eurovision.

Qualify

5. FINLAND – Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivat – Aina mun pitää

Imagine if you gave a hungry tramp an electric guitar and a bottle of White Lightning cider and promised him a million pounds in cash if he wrote and performed a song for you right now – this is the song he would sing.

Then you would hose him down with piss.

Qualify

6. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath

Sneering snort of laughter.

Oh fuck off.

I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.

Qualify

7. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.

Not qualify

8. MACEDONIA – Daniel Kajmakoski – Autumn Leaves

Speaking of TV shows, this is the montage music from a finale scene in House MD. The chorus begins to peel away that schmaltz though and I enjoy the way it’s ever morphing into something else. I won’t say it builds as I don’t think it does, it’s just very playful with its arrangement. Yeah, you know what, this one is good, maybe great. Not a winner for sure, but a solid song with some nice beats thrown in.

Wild card. This is the best one so far.

Qualify

9.; SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.

And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty in what is a blatant attempt to bring a moment of joy to a nation of dead eyed child killers.

Not qualify

10. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing

FART SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH

Not qualify

11. BELARUS – Uzari & Maimuna – Time

Standard Eurovision here. Deep house beginnings and wonderfully uptempo. You know the chorus is coming from a mile off but as it keeps changing I found it pretty enjoyable. Loved the violin in the break too. Could be massive based on what I’ve heard so far – probably the only one that has a great drive to it.

Qualify

12. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices

Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace. It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.

Qualify

13. DENMARK – Anti Social Media – The Way You Are

Ah, it’s Scouting for Retards again! Seriously, is this a thing now? That happy clappy everything is fine Dodgy sound from 1990. Is that coming back now? I hope the video is them dancing in an immigration detention camp and showing pictures of them poking holes in paper cut out cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad with their nobs.

Qualify

14. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive

Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.

Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.

Not qualify

15. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)

Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.

Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.

Qualify

16. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior

Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to be last and reckon that’ll help it qualify. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.

Tip: don’t write a song called Warrior when Ke$ha has an album called that and it’s better than anything you could even consider writing.

Qualify

SEMI-FINAL 2

1. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time

I’m feeling hate. I want blood. Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.

Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.

Not qualify

2. IRELAND – Molly Sterling – Playing With Numbers

“They tied my arms but I cut through.” So this one is about being kidnapped by the IRA and celebrates the Stockholm syndrome that had developed between her and Gerry Adams.

This is so ineffectual it’s an Ed Miliband speech. Remember, I mentioned him before? He’s a cunt.

Qualify

3. SAN MARINO – Michele Perniola & Anita Simoncini – Chain Of Lights

It’s just a heal the world song that has the opposite effect – mostly by promoting the mass execution of everyone in San Marino. And let’s face it, if you can’t get peace right in a country as small as San Marino with its population of 6 people then I think it’s fair to say the world is fucked.

Lyrically and musically it’s as exhausting and horrendous as trying to clean your butt when tapeworm are poking through your anal muscles and each wipe sends echoes of pain throughout your body and makes you want to die.

Not qualify

4. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio

After being punished aurally by the last 2 songs and bludgeoned with dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.

Qualify

5. MALTA – Amber – Warrior

What, hang on, another one called Warrior. Is this the Ultimate Warrior?

Yes it is. Because it’s FUCKING DEAD.

Qualify

6. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.

Qualify

7. PORTUGAL – Leonor Andrade – Há um mar que nos separa

Interesting at last. Thank Satan. There’s a rough cut of a dirty electro song with some ill-placed vocals but then the chorus is just a dialed-in Coldplay middle-of-the-road-but-with-several-doggy-plops-alongside-it. Oh, it appears that Coldgay-plop-plop is probably what the band wanted and that slightly edgier verse is thanks to a producer I imagine. Rest of the song stays in snooze mode. Couldn’t even be bothered to finish the song and all the band leave as she says the final line. Assume they went on a siesta.

Not qualify

8. CZECH REPUBLIC – Marta Jandová & Václav Noid Bárta – Hope Never Dies

Like the Green Party – shows some potential early on but concentrates its efforts on what it’s saying and not how it’s saying it so no one cares.

Not qualify

9. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.

(Obviously, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.)

Qualify

10. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected

Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.

Not qualify.

11. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf

BACK TO REALITY THEN.

Less than 1% good. Dialed-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.

Qualify

12. ICELAND – María Ólafs – Unbroken

Definitely an improvement. Nicely produced vocals and a smooth arrangement including some solid beats that give this a bit more sparkle.

Noticing a lot of dark/light/shadow metaphors. Let’s be fair Iceland if you want to move into the light I’d suggest moving the fuck out of Iceland. Or at least pay your electric bill.

Qualify

13. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes

Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.

I do like their Lego too.

Qualify

14. SWITZERLAND – Mélanie René – Time To Shine

There is a lot of songs this year that have a great verse and a chorus that doesn’t quite meet expectations. I’m glad this one works. Bit of a clumsy ending. But I do like the way it never gives any section enough time. Guitar solo? Snipped after 30 secs! Onto the next bit. Snipped after 30 seconds. Someone should do that with Nigel Farage’s speeches. And then his throat.

Qualify

15. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done

No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”

Qualify

16. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You

Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, not much to say here started thinking about the general election who are you going to vote for not sure myself probably greens or snp maybe snp have done some good stuff in scotland and it would be funny for labour to get the kicking it deserves for deserting the workers but greens are probably more where my beliefs are need to put some more thought into that fuck tory lib dem labour and ukip basically oh song has finished.

Not qualify

17. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love

A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.

Not qualify

Finalists

For some reason, the worst countries in the world are allowed to skip the semi finals and inflict their horseshit music unquestioned by the rest of the Euroscum. I find that weird. Especially this year as there is some real shit here:

AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again

Australia? Why are you in?!

Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine. If you weren’t being an utter selfish cunt. After electing Tony Abbott the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master and seeing him spout anti-gay anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Then you’d have to get off your fucking ass and fight this cunt. But no, you just sit there and pretend it’s all not happening. You lardy kangaroo fucker.

As with Israel, ignoring my political thinking, the song is uptempo and fun and actually quite ok. It sickens me.

AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours

Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.

Oh, unless the guy cuts his dick off and puts it into a hot dog bun for Conchita to munch on?

FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas

Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.

(Edited to remove original bad taste joke.)

GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke

[Unfair comment redacted]

Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.

ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore

Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.

SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer

Fucking hell. All of these finalists are the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. None of them would have qualified if they didn’t get automatic entry.

UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You

HEY EUROPE! WE STILL THINK WE’RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE MASTERS! OH YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, EH? HAVE A BIT OF GEORGE OSBORNE’S SHRIVELED BALLSAC TO CHEW ON WHILE WE RAPE YOUR EARS OUT.

Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.

———–

So then. What will win?

Simplest answer: Sweden by a fucking mile. Wait till you see the laser 3d stage show. So put some money on that now – odds will be pish but right now you’ll get double what you put on it.

What I fink (favourites and wildcard outliars)
1. Sweden
2. Latvia
3. Belarus
4. Belgium
5. Russia

Lastly, if Czech Republic get through the semi finals put money on them to come last in the final.

Eurovision 2014: Final thoughts before the final

10 May

Eurovision Song ContestThe Grand Final

YES I KNOW I ALREADY PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE ON EUROVISION. But that other article lists all the songs from the semi/flaccid finals which on Saturday you just won’t care about. So here are my thoughts repackaged and in order for you to look at while you watch. Please feel free to steal any lines you think are funny and tweet them.

Tweet and abuse me on the night: @ghostsmut

1. UKRAINE – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock

It’s like pop from 2010 when pop was good. I was hoping for a Ke$ha cover but this will do. Fun and has whistling (everything in Eurovision that has whistling is a keeper). Makes me want to dance and do that thing with my floppy bit.

I thought this would win but it being on first makes that a little more unlikely. You’ll have forgotten it after 25 more awfulness. It being first should mean it’ll get points by default and I have money each way on it. Think Top 5.

Additionally,  if this gets a higher place than Russia then she’ll be put in that hamster wheel and forced to generate power for all of Crimea.

2. BELARUS – Teo – Cheesecake

Actually has dj-scratching on it. Oh Belarus your fourth world country is so amusing to us. Weird to say you’re ‘not like Patrick Swayze’ – to be honest I’m sure if you dug him up he’d have the consistency of a cheesecake.

It sounds like a boyband on the edge of break up and one step away from selling their tender buttholes for a last record deal.

I have money on this one to come in last.

3. AZERBAIJAN – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire

Delicately straddles the line between boring and beautiful. Bold and wonderful.

Sandwiched earlier between an awful track from Belarus and some obvious Eurovision tat from Iceland this song may shine.

Drinking game: do a shot every time you see gymnast cameltoe.

4. ICELAND – Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I liked the stuttering bit but that’s only because I enjoy laughing at disabled folk.

Basically, it’s Scouting For Retards.

Stunned that this got through to the finals. Your life will be better if you just hold your breath for 3 minutes. Cos you’ll be dead.

5. NORWAY – Carl Espen – Silent Storm

The 65th song of this contest to begin with a single piano. Originality has always been a problem in this competition. Man, if this song explodes into guitar rock I’ll be very disappointed. Waits. Hey you know what? It doesn’t. Congratualtions! Thanks for sticking with your genre.

Even if that genre was listening to a man whose arse is made out of sandpaper taking a huge dump.

6. ROMANIA – Paula Seling & Ovi – Miracle

Side chain synths instead of chainsaw death screams. Runs out of ideas by two minutes but you can never ignore a male and female duet. I was correct that it got into the final but I still think it’s weaker than Oscar Pistorius’s defence plea.

7. ARMENIA – Aram MP3 – Not Alone

This was the favourite until the guy absolutely sang the opening really really badly in the semi final. If he sings it well this time then it could still work – especially after that 3 minute club banger that preceded it. Good old electric piano to begin with. Fair is fair. The song starts as a lovely sub-Lionel Richie ballad. But what’s this? Seems like they didn’t want to risk a slow piano song for the full 3 minutes and it explodes.

I’m concerned that the side chain synth stuff from Romania’s entry will make the crescendo of this one sound samey. It’s rather lovely on the mp3 but how it comes across on your TV set will make all the difference.

I think it will struggle and Aram MP3’s nerves will get the better of him. If not, big chance.

8. MONTENEGRO – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj svijet

Ah, pan pipes in Eurovision. The sound of winners!

Or winnets.

This really has nothing going for it. It’s 200-1. Instead, just close your eyes for three minutes and imagine squeezing Nigel Farage’s ballsac until it turns blue then black and then twisting it off.

9. POLAND – Donatan & Cleo – My Slowanie (We Are Slavic)

Ah, much better. Shouty girl hip hop. It’s a bit Hey Mickey and My Humps but I think it’d work better if it had a deep house bassline underneath it. Nice middle bit though that doesn’t fit in the slightest. Could be worse. Could be sung by the Black Eyed Peas.

10. GREECE – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – Rise Up

Are you allowed to use autotune on your voice in Eurovision? If not, these lot are in trouble. Sounds alright otherwise. Repetitive, catchy and forgettable. Feels like entering Cotton Eye Joe into a Classical music competition though. Like the idiotic ear-aids that you hear pumping from a Honda Civic boyracer as it speeds through an amber light nearly killing a pensioner.

11. AUSTRIA – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix

Now then. This is how to do a piano ballad. Like a James Bond theme mixed with a marching band. I’m guessing I should hate this?

I don’t.

Oh and yes, this is the bit you can bring your transphobia to the table and all laugh at the bearded woman. Well done. For me, I respect this a lot more. There’s no novelty in the song – it’s a proper song! Sure, if this sounded like Iceland’s entry I’d agree this was a joke but it doesn’t appear to be. Also, through a mixture of antics and, you know, having a good song this is the joint favourite.

12. GERMANY – Elaiza – Is It Right

If you like the abomination to music that is Pink! then you’ll like this because she sounds EXACTLY like her.

Personally, I find it slightly less exciting than going into Vision Express to browse for bifocal glasses for your grandmother.

13. SWEDEN – Sanna Nielsen – Undo

These Swedes always seem to give their songs a certain amount of gravitas. Saying that, it’s just a better quality version of Armenia’s song and even then it could be a cover of Anastasia. Money on this for each way obviously but it doesn’t quite make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

Worse, I just googled her picture and it didn’t make anything else stand up either.

Still it’s the joint favourite with Austria. Meh.

14. FRANCE – Twin Twin – Moustache

Hey France, you do some great hip hop. I heard it in La Haine. I listen to it. THIS IS NOT IT. Baffling atrocious. Manages to make 3 minutes feel like a 30 year war.

TWIN TWIN TOWERS more like.

15. RUSSIA – Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

If I was Ukrainian I’d be putting my borders back up based on this song. Whilst it’s an interesting insight into the propaganda machine coming from Russia it’s also like someone giving you a box of chocolates after raping the bullet hole in your mother’s forehead.

Will be interesting to see the political voting on this one. Some from those who are ex-Soviet Union, those who hate Russia and those who are paedophiles.

16. ITALY – Emma – La mia città

Impressed this isn’t an awful ballad. Got a bit of rock to it. Like Finland’s entry but with a decent distortion setting. Probably the only genuine rock song so maybe can’t be ignored. Potentially all this ballad, pop dubstep nonsense will sound the same in the final and this could shine.

Yeah right. Only kidding. Some butt nugget of a song will win. This has no chance.

17. SLOVENIA – Tinkara Kovac – Round And Round

BOOM! This one is great from the off. Solid production and a fine, fine chorus. Maybe a little understated and could just be something on the radio but yeah, high hopes for this.

Which shows how much I know as it’s 150-1. Which makes no sense compared to ICELAND.

18. FINLAND – Softengine – Something Better

Finland has found middle of the road rock music. It sounds like a recent A-Ha record. The members are all 17-19 years old. What the hell happened Finland? I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your education system. Why aren’t these guys in jail for dressing like trolls and burning churches down. Very disappointed.

Pop rock with gang shouts and all other genre clichés. Can’t fucking stand it. If you still like guitar pop from the 90’s this will be your favourite song. It’s also why no one listens to your music recommendations anymore and your playlists on Spotify all have zero listeners.

19. SPAIN – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain

Oh thanks Spain. Just enter the Genocide of Music as your entry. Fucking wonderful.

This is a reason to vote for UKIP.

20. SWITZERLAND – Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars

A song condoning the hunting and murder of celebrities. Not really. But it should be!

On record it all sounds a little pathetic but I’m sure in the stadium this may have a certain appeal…

To the kind of people who put Cadbury’s Creme eggs up their arse and poop them into their children’s’ mouths.

21. HUNGARY – András Kállay-Saunders – Running

Ooh. Like this a lot. Strained and vulnerable vocals. Sounds like we could have a strong contender here… Oh no, amen break beats almost tip it into kitsch. Saying that, it’s growing on me a lot. Second chorus arrangement is interesting and certainly plays down the beats. Love the way it runs into it’s ending. Yeah, awesome. I think.

I want this to win. It won’t.

22. MALTA – Firelight – Coming Home

Fleetwood Mac-aroni cheesy bellends.

I think this one and Netherlands (later) are similar in the way they are very different from the other songs. This stands out. I just think they forgot to put a chorus on it. No chance.

23. DENMARK – Basim – Cliché Love Song

More whistling. Hard to dismiss this or criticise when it’s called Cliché Love Song. I do know a few songs I’d like more if they were called ANOTHER BORING BALLAD.

I really do like this – mostly because everything in my very soul says I should absolutely hate it. Has ‘hit of the summer’ written all over it. Instead, they entered it into Eurovision and now no one will want it.

They should have entered Everything Is Awesome though, those Lego-making-dildohats.

24. NETHERLANDS – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm

This is just With or Without You or Every Breath You Take. Nice slide guitar to give it a bit of a country influence. Based on what’s popular right now that’s pretty brave. Nothing particularly strong. Just potters along and stops.

This is the song to watch. Like Malta this is the most obvious “NOT A STANDARD EUROVISION SONG”. However, does that mean it’s a great song? I don’t know. It’s nice but when you sit back and consider it – nothing happens. It doesn’t do anything. It’s just nice. And that’s why it won’t win.

25. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Maybe (Forse)

This is her third attempt to qualify and the stupid piece of sputum only went and qualified. Bah. And with a song that has NOTHING going for it. No chorus, not even a memorable vocal melody in the verse. Poor, poor and just Poo.

Fingers crossed for null points.

26. UNITED KINGDOM – Molly – Children Of The Universe

However, San Marino get to separate the UK from that rather good but bland Netherland song. Which I think will make both songs stand out more. And hey you know what? The UK entry is not too bad. Pretentious and full of itself – like everyone in the UK. Yeah, I like this. We’ve finally entered a song rather than a pop distraction. Great drop before the first chorus too.

Just needs to wave a flag saying PUTIN LICKS HORSE SCHLONG for a few more votes.

Having the UK on last with a song that is basically a massive sing-along like Earth Song puts us in an interesting place. I think it will be close but if you’ve got money I’d put an each-way on this. It’ll be in the top 5 I think. Odds are currently 9-1.

My Top 6 – and no, even though Slovenia will not be in the Top 6 I’m still not taking them out.

  • Austria
  • Sweden
  • Ukraine
  • Hungary
  • Slovenia
  • United Kingdom

Remember: I am on twitter and you should probably follow me. @ghostsmut

Eurovision Song Contest – Copenhagen 2014

5 May

Eurovision Song Contest Hello again Eurotrash and welcome to my now annual thoughts on all that is unholy in the world: Eurovision. Well, let’s get into it. Not heard anything – not even the UK entry this year – so let’s see what I think of them…

Semi-Final 1

1. ARMENIA – Aram MP3 – Not Alone

Good old electric piano to begin with. Fair is fair. The song starts as a lovely sub-Lionel Richie ballad. But what’s this? Seems like they didn’t want to risk a slow piano song for the full 3 minutes and decided to jar into an awful and pathetic dubstep crescendo.

Reminds me a lot of those rock band ballads from the 90s where the metal band couldn’t keep their distortion pedals turned off for three minutes.

On second listen and now being able to compare this with the rest of the competition this has grown on me a lot. It does what it does better than the other tracks so it’s definitely one for an each way bet.

Qualify

2. LATVIA – Aarzemnieki – Cake To Bake

Ah, kooky old Eurovision. It’s a song about all the unlikely things a man has done but when it gets to the chorus he admits that he doesn’t know how to bake a cake. I can’t help but feel this pours a significant amount of doubt that he found Atlantis or any of his other claims. Lyrically clumsy and most don’t fit.

Clearly this is hopeless but it is quite catchy – something that happens when you do the chorus 10 times in 3 minutes. Has that same quirkiness as the Bananaphone song.

Qualify

3. ESTONIA – Tanja – Amazing

Great production here. Reminiscent of Hurts/Duran Duran. Verse is great but chorus is a few paces off the mark. Pre chorus is wonderful though – better than the chorus.

I was hoping the chorus was only weak on the first one so they could build it throughout the song but no, even after the drop, the chorus doesn’t have the impact it should. Such a shame – it’s like meeting Dannii Minogue, taking her out for dinner, dancing all night then getting her home and finding she had a dick.

And it was uncircumcised.

Qualify

4. SWEDEN – Sanna Nielsen – Undo

These Swedes always seem to give their songs a certain amount of gravitas. Saying that, it’s just a better quality version of Armenia’s song and even then it could be a cover of Anastasia. Money on this for each way obviously but it doesn’t quite make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

Worse, I just googled her picture and it didn’t make anything else stand up either.

Qualify

5. ICELAND – Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I liked the stuttering bit but that’s only because I enjoy laughing at disabled folk.

Basically, it’s Scouting For Retards.

Not Qualify

6.ALBANIA – Hersi – One Night’s Anger

Is this Shakira? Holy shit it sounds so much like her! It’s a great example of throwing everything into the mix and seeing what falls out. Easily the best thing so far and won’t make the final as no one likes Albanians.

That last sentence has two lies in it.

Not Qualify

7. RUSSIA – Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

If I was Ukrainian I’d be putting my borders back up based on this song. Whilst it’s an interesting insight into the propaganda machine coming from Russia it’s also like someone giving you a box of chocolates after raping the bullet hole in your mother’s forehead.

Qualify or the cunts will invade someone else

8. AZERBAIJAN – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire

Delicately straddles the line between boring and beautiful. Bold and wonderful.

Qualify – Outside chance of winning

9. UKRAINE – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock

It’s like pop from 2010 when pop was good. I was hoping for a Ke$ha cover but this will do. Fun and has whistling (everything in Eurovision that has whistling is a keeper). Makes me want to dance and do that thing with my floppy bit.

Also 12 points from Russia.

Qualify

10. BELGIUM – Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Oh god. Another boring track from Belgium. The first minute sounds like someone composing a song from scratch and just playing the piano as a skeleton backing. Incredible that this has been chosen. Doesn’t even feel like half of a song. Is Axel famous or something?

Oh my god I just did a google search and got a picture of Rafa Benitez – how is this a man’s voice? Creepy. And doubly creepy for singing about his mum. Stay away from schools, mate.

Not Qualify

11. MOLDOVA – Cristina Scarlat – Wild Soul

The arrangement is good here. Great beats, electro synths. It’s just a shame they’ve put a god-awful female vocal on it. She’s so one note it just comes over drab and flat. It’s like putting an Odd Future sticker on a BMW – your car still looks like it belongs to a sad old man.

Qualify

12. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Maybe (Forse)

This is her third attempt to qualify incredibly and I’m sure it’ll be her 3rd time unlucky. Hopefully that will then be good night to her congested sphincter of a career. She probably feels like Manchester United will do for the next couple of years in the Europa League.

So will she qualify? Maybe (not).

13. PORTUGAL – Suzy – Quero ser tua

Kind of a hideous mix up of songs from Lazy Town and Agadoo played whilst you’re standing in a burnt field with the corpses of everyone you’ve ever loved around you.

Not Qualify

14. NETHERLANDS – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm

This is just With or Without You or Every Breath You Take. Nice slide guitar to give it a bit of a country influence. Based on what’s popular right now that’s pretty brave. Nothing particularly strong. Just potters along and stops.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Qualify cos they’re Holland but null points in final.

15. MONTENEGRO – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj svijet

Ah, pan pipes in Eurovision. The sound of winners!

Or winnets.

Qualify

16. HUNGARY – András Kállay-Saunders – Running

Ooh. Like this a lot. Strained and vulnerable vocals. Sounds like we could have a strong contender here… Oh no, amen break beats almost tip it into kitsch. Saying that, it’s growing on me a lot. Second chorus arrangement is interesting and certainly plays down the beats. Love the way it runs into it’s ending. Yeah, awesome. I think.

Qualify

 SEMI-FINAL 2

1. MALTA – Firelight – Coming Home

Fleetwood Mac-aroni cheesy bellends.

Not Qualify

2. ISRAEL – Mei Finegold – Same Heart

With a vocal riddled with throat tumours and a song so basic it could have been coded on a Sinclair spectrum ZX81. It’s an absolute mess and less emotionally involving than an episode of Neighbours watched with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears.

Not Qualify

3. NORWAY – Carl Espen – Silent Storm

The 65th song of this contest to begin with a single piano. Originality has always been a problem in this competition. Man, if this song explodes into guitar rock I’ll be very disappointed. Waits. Hey you know what? It doesn’t. Congratualtions! Thanks for sticking with your genre.

Even if that genre was listening to a man whose arse is made out of sandpaper taking a huge dump.

Qualify

4. GEORGIA – The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes To Earth

Obvious comment first: Hey! It’s the Lion King.

Shakira’s on this track as well. It’s a different one this. It ignores the usual song arrangement traditions like verses and choruses and just tumbles about like Katie Price’s babies in a washing machine. Assume this has some weird action on stage because otherwise this is a null pointer.

Not Qualify

5. POLAND – Donatan & Cleo – My Slowanie (We Are Slavic)

Ah, much better. Shouty girl hip hop. It’s a bit Hey Mickey and My Humps but I think it’d work better if it had a deep house bassline underneath it. Nice middle bit though that doesn’t fit in the slightest. Could be worse. Could be sung by a Black Eyed Peas.

Qualify

6. AUSTRIA – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix

Now then. This is how to do a piano ballad. Like a James Bond theme mixed with a marching band. I’m guessing I should hate this?

I don’t.

Qualify

7. LITHUANIA – Vilija Mataciunaite – Attention

That deep house bass I mentioned before? I think I found it here. Again the chorus isn’t strong enough for this type of production. There isn’t a hook – just cool sounds. It’s just not good enough.

It’s like paying for a £1000 prostitute when you only have a 3 inch dick.

Qualify

8. FINLAND – Softengine – Something Better

Finland has found middle of the road rock music. It sounds like a recent A-Ha record. The members are all 17-19 years old. What the hell happened Finland? I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your education system. Why aren’t these guys in jail for dressing like trolls and burning churches down. Very disappointed.

Qualify

9. IRELAND – Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith – Heartbeat

This is the Lithuania song – just better. It also has a chorus. Shame it relies on those godawful fiddles or whatever they’re called. Yes, I know you want to sound all traditional but for God’s sake why not just sample Gerry Adams and make all the bass drums the sound of bombs going off.

Qualify & Top 5

10. BELARUS – Teo – Cheesecake

Actually has dj-scratching on it. Oh Belarus your fourth world country is so amusing to us. Weird to say you’re ‘not like Patrick Swayze’ – to be honest I’m sure if you dug him up he’d have the consistency of a cheesecake.

Not qualify

11. MACEDONIA – Tijana – To The Sky

Oh. This should win.

Not Qualify

12. SWITZERLAND – Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars

A song condoning the hunting and murder of celebrities. On record it sounds a little pathetic but I’m sure in the stadium this will have a certain appeal…

To the kind of people who put Cadbury’s Creme eggs up their arse and poop them into their children’s’ mouths.

Qualify

13. GREECE – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – Rise Up

Are you allowed to use autotune on your voice in Eurovision? If not, these lot are in trouble. Sounds alright otherwise. Repetitive, catchy and forgettable. Feels like entering Cotton Eye Joe into a Classical music competition though.

Actually better the more it goes on – Mostly cos it’s bashing my head in. Very poor ending though.

Qualify

14. SLOVENIA – Tinkara Kovac – Round And Round

BOOM! This one is great from the off. Solid production and a fine, fine chorus. Yeah, high hopes for this.

Not Qualify

15. ROMANIA – Paula Seling & Ovi – Miracle

Side chain synths instead of chainsaw death screams. Runs out of ideas by two minutes but you can never ignore a male and female duet. Bound to get into the final but weaker than Oscar Pistorius’s defence plea

Other Cuntries who get a free ride 

DENMARK – Basim – Cliché Love Song

More whistling. Hard to dismiss this or criticise when it’s called Cliché Love Song. I do know a few songs I’d like more if they were called ANOTHER BORING BALLAD. Assume this is a favourite.

They should have entered Everything Is Awesome though, those Lego-making-dildohats.

SPAIN – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain

Oh thanks Spain. Just enter the Genocide of Music as your entry. Fucking wonderful.

This is a reason to vote for UKIP.

FRANCE – Twin Twin – Moustache

Hey France, you do some great hip hop. I heard it in La Haine. I listen to it a lot. THIS IS NOT IT. Baffling atrocious. Manages to make 3 minutes feel like a 30 year war.

TWIN TWIN TOWERS more like.

GERMANY – Elaiza – Is It Right

Slightly less exciting than going into Vision Express to browse for bifocal glasses for your grandmother.

ITALY – Emma – La mia città

Impressed this isn’t an awful ballad. Got a bit of rock to it. Like Finland’s entry but with a decent distortion setting. Probably the only genuine rock song so maybe can’t be ignored. Potentially all this ballad, pop dubstep nonsense will sound the same in the final and this could shine.

Yeah right. Only kidding. Some butt nugget of a song will win.

UNITED KINGDOM – Molly – Children Of The Universe

Speaking of butt nuggets here is the UK entry. But oh? But wow? It starts with full backing vocals? Awesome! Hey you know what? It ain’t too bad. Pretentious and full of itself – like everyone in the UK. Yeah, I like this. We’ve finally entered a song rather than a pop distraction. Great drop before the first chorus too.

Just needs to wave a flag saying PUTIN LICKS HORSE SCHLONG for a few more votes.

Summary

I’ll be honest – I’ve been a little disappointed with the songs this year. Nothing I could really love and nothing I could really hate. I think the songs are getting better – shame half the songs from the automatic entrant countries will stop us ever having a final with only good songs in the final. Top 6 for this year?

  • Macedonia  Azerbaijan
  • Sweden
  • Ukraine
  • Hungary
  • Slovenia
  • United Kingdom

*EDIT* Having just watched a rehearsal of  Macedonia I’m almost 100% sure they will bomb out. She sounds AWFUL live. Replaced with Azerbaijan as my wild card. Slovenia is 200-1 I notice and although she looks like a Disney Princess dancing about with a flute I still have high hopes.

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