Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.
2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.
The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.
So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!
I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!
1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away
A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.
Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO
2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land
After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.
Verdict: Argos homo delivery
3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars
Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.
4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer
A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!
Verdict: Bloody crotch
5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse
I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.
Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final
6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down
Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.
Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave
Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.
Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know
Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.
Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One
Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.
Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.
10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand
The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.
On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.
Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.
11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego
Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.
Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win
12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici
Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková
13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play
That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.
Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle
The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.
Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win
15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing
Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.
Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again
16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling
A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.
Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win
17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je
Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?
No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.
18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water
A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.
It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.
1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat
This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.
I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.
Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life
The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.
Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind
Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.
Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.
4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars
STANDARD PIANO BALLAD
I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…
Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.
Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.
5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly
What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.
That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.
Verdict: JUST DULL
6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)
STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2
Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.
Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight
A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.
Disgusting and wrong.
Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona
A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.
Verdict: Dona kebab
9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night
STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3
Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!
Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.
Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence
How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?
Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.
Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red
A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.
Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence
Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.
Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..
Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest
13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime
If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.
Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love
Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.
Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944
This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.
16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker
About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.
I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.
17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold
Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?
Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.
Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale
Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.
Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure
SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.
Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
SOME OTHER CUNTS
All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.
FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché
This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.
Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes
GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost
Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.
Did a song happen?
Top 5: No
ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation
Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.
Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No
SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!
It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.
Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No
SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry
Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.
Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No
UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.
Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.
Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes
A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:
Worst songs that will probably win