Eurovision – Kyiv, Ukraine 2017

28 Apr

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A lot has changed since last year’s Eurovision: The UK decided to firmly flush itself down the toilet, Donald Trump promoted himself from useless hairless cumrag to powerful useless hairless cumrag and, generally, things are getting worse. In fact the only thing that’s the same is that Russia is the worst place in the world.

So then onto Eurovision 2017. As always this is my first listen to each of the songs. Because the official CD wasn’t out yet when I started writing, though, this time I’ve had to use the Eurovision playlist on YouTube, which means I’ve seen a bit more than I usually do. It also means I’ve probably been influenced a little by the video and performance – I’m looking at you Montenegro and Moldova. You sexy bastards.

SEMI-FINAL 1 – Tuesday May 9th

1. SWEDEN – Robin Bengtsson – I Can’t Go On
Considering Sweden still seem to write most of the music in the charts I am surprised with this entry. Nothing as memorable as their usual offerings and it suffers from a lacklustre performance by a beige mannequin in a crap suit. In the Swedish finals I loved how they were all on treadmills – some innovative choreography – assume they will do that in the final too. But the chorus just never pops – probably needs another melody over the final chorus to give it a kick but it’s top 10 kinda stuff still.

Verdict: Poppy banger sung by a Robin Thicke cyborg sex doll clone.

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Look at his motherfreaking EYES

Final: Yes

2. GEORGIA – Tamara Gachechiladze – Keep The Faith
So this one is a song. Helpfully it is called Keep The Faith because aside from a dig at Muslims wearing veils those are the only lyrics. I think the structure is verse-chorus-then chorus to infinity. Although that may be because my brain shut down temporarily to stop me from falling into a boredom coma. There are a lot of problems with the vocal work which does not sit on the song at all. Maybe it will work live, but the balance of her Off-Broadway theatrical vocal versus the syrupy strings just clogs the whole song up like fatty deposits in your arteries before your surprise heart attack.

Verdict: Bland Aid.
Final: No

3. AUSTRALIA – Isaiah – Don’t Come Easy
Obv jokes first: No, I “don’t come easy” when you have awful eyebrows and a shit haircut like that pal. Another ballad but this time it has a very nice arrangement that includes a rather lovely spin on the orchestral hit effect. Builds nicely and doesn’t do anything over the top or pretentious.

Verdict: I just spent two weeks in Australia and it was a much better country than the UK so I’m down for this one.
Final: Yes

4. ALBANIA – Lindita – World
Ah. Someone is kidding me on. Albania isn’t even a country so it can’t even be in this competition.

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See? Albania does not exist.

Verdict: Not a real country so disqualified.
Final: No

5. BELGIUM – Blanche – City Lights
Every year I listen to Belgium’s entries and every year I like them and they never win. This year however I dislike their song. It’s a low beat slice of electronic but with ever-so-slightly annoying drumming and a wondrously pathetic vocal. It’s like watching someone try to blow up a balloon when they don’t have any lungs – utterly hopeless.

Verdict: The sort of laidback emotionless slop you’d play over the video footage of Martin Shkreli gassing himself with exhaust fumes in his garage.
Final: No

6. MONTENEGRO – Slavko Kalezić – Space
YES. This is the kind of delicious homosexual banger I dream of. It’s all shit metaphors for spunking your load everywhere. Crappy brass and funk guitar. Against all these downtempo tracks this one really jumps out. Thank god for the gays. Forget all this politics and horrible shit going on – just bone the fuck out of each other. Love it.

Verdict: If you don’t like it you’re a homophobe who drinks wee-wee cocktails.
Final: Yes

7. FINLAND – Norma John – Blackbird
Blackbird? More like Brown Turd.

Verdict: No.
Final: No

8. AZERBAIJAN – Dihaj – Skeletons
From the start this one shows a lot of promise. It’s a bit of a nothing verse with a powerhouse chorus. Video is very poor and doesn’t manage to raise any emotions so they’ll need to work on that for the show but I’ve got a good feeling on this one. A lot of nice layering of cool electronic sounds in the background too.

Verdict: A definite contender.
Final: Yes

9. PORTUGAL – Salvador Sobral – Amar pelos dois
Bit harsh of Portugal to enter some homeless dude with Tourette’s. Gave me a right laugh though with his stupid wispy beardy face. Hope he gets a new cardboard box for a home after this.

Verdict: It’s very lovely but I just don’t like and want it to be punished by a 1,000-year nuclear winter.
Final: Yes because it’s “different”

10. GREECE – Demy – This Is Love
Another ballad and this one sounds like it could have been a previous entry from the last 20 years. When it turns into a banger I’m not 100% convinced. It just sounds SO Eurovision – like filling in a paint-by-numbers and failing to feign surprise at the result. And yes, that is me saying this one is rubbish because it sounds too Eurovision and saying Portugal is rubbish because it’s not Eurovision enough. Go eat a bowl of chewy foreskins.

Verdict: SAME.
Final: Yes

11. POLAND – Kasia Moś – Flashlight
Seriously there is a lot of dirge in the first semi-final. I know Eurovision is often formulaic but how many of these songs spend the first minute whimpering then the second minute beefing things up? Unfortunately the second minute of this just sounds like an army marching in jackboots all over her nice song. The video is a poor show too. It feels like someone just barged in on her singing in the shower. That said, the finale has a full string section bashing away with echoes of Puff Daddy’s Come With Me, so there’s that.

Verdict: A few points for effort but not nearly exciting enough.
Final: Yes

12. MOLDOVA – SunStroke Project – Hey Mamma!
It’s that Ed Sheeran Shape Of You xylophone sound. In the video he often looks like a balding James McAvoy which is a little distracting. Oh wait. Did I say his looks were distracting? I mean that ridiculous saxophone is! Haha, that is just incredible cheese. The BEST type of cheese. You’ll love this. Unless you’re a proper fan of Eurovision or something.

Verdict: Sure, it’s dreadful. But a lot of fun. And I’m in a forgiving mood today. Top marks.
Final: OF FUCKING COURSE NOT

13. ICELAND – Svala – Paper
A lovely arrangement of beats, clunks and clanks with a retro chorus. Full of deep synths. It’s got that Robyn feel and definitely could be a grower. Lots of neon and 80s stylings. This is the kind of music I listen to so lovely to see it entered into Eurovision.

Verdict: I would need to see how this is staged but this will get to the final. I like it and I think many others will too.
Final: Yes

14. CZECH REPUBLIC – Martina Bárta – My Turn
*cuts off lips with scissors before attempting to blow the world’s bloodiest raspberry*

Verdict: Absolute rubbish.
Final: No

15. CYPRUS – Hovig – Gravity
Great hook on this one. Hammers home the chorus a lot which is always a winner in my book. You’ve got three minutes – milk it my boy. The only thing that alarmed me was thinking that if Peter Andre ever spunked his mess up Olly Murs’ fallopian tubes then the resulting offspring would look like Hovig.

Verdict: Again, there is no way this will win but I am a huge fan of it. I’m gonna cross my fingers and hope it does well.
Final: Yes

16. ARMENIA – Artsvik – Fly With Me
First you trick me with nonsense countries like Albania and now you try this? Nope. Not buying it. Armenia is not a real country either. You can’t trick me.

Verdict: The last thirty seconds sounds like someone sped up a Quentin Tarantino film.
Final: No

17. SLOVENIA – Omar Naber – On My Way
Did you ask for another boring ballad? Well you aren’t going to get it here. Starts slow then comes in strong with a massive chorus. The only distraction for me is a bleep that sounds like someone getting an error message on their computer – maybe the producer hates the song and was trying to delete it?

Verdict: Strong throughout and could be the powerhouse song of the finals.
Final: Yes

18. LATVIA – Triana Park – Line
Hmm. It’s just a standard dance song with all the cheesy and necessary synth arpeggiators doing what you’ve heard synth arpeggiators do a thousand times before. While it’s absolutely fine, I just don’t hear a strong enough vocal to win Eurovision. She basically just repeats the same line over and over and then it just fades out. No crescendo or anything. Blatantly an edit of a five minute long version. That drummer is so out of time in the video too – whoever edited it was clearly blind.

Verdict: So pointless the only benefit in its existance is knowing it will be a Pointless answer one day
Final: No

SEMI-FINAL 2 – 11th May

1. SERBIA – Tijana Bogićević – In Too Deep
Oh my. This isn’t really my type of song but it’s very nicely done. A lovely hook, strong vocals, loads going on with lots of changes and a middle section that absolutely sparkles. Genuinely whaps out its gigantic penis and slaps the other entries in the face. Minor criticism is that the vocals are way too loud on the video mix but that won’t be a problem by finals time.

Verdict: I think this could win.
Final: Oh yes.

2. AUSTRIA – Nathan Trent – Running On Air
Sure, okay. It’s a bit different to the others but I can’t hear anything other than a poor boyband b-side from the 1990s. Just a jangly guitar and overly cheery vocals. For someone as hateful as myself positivity triggers me and I am offended.

Verdict: Looks like a grown up Billy Elliot without the success.
Final: Nah

3. RUSSIA – Yulia Samoylova – Flame Is Burning
Flame is burning? Don’t you mean democracy? Or maybe you mean gays in Chechen concentration camps are burning? Not as catchy I suppose.

Verdict: Guilty.
Final: Withdrawn

4. MACEDONIA – Jana Burčeska – Dance Alone
At the start I was already to praise it cos I am down with these funky songs. But then the chorus happens and that’s the real problem. The chorus just isn’t as good as the verse. Not very catchy and just a bit of a “oh well”.

Hmm. My mind just wandered there for a bit while it was on. I was thinking of other stuff. Yeah, I don’t think this is very good at all.

Verdict: It just blends into the background. Minimal impact. Zero chance.
Final: No

5. MALTA – Claudia Faniello – Breathlessly
If I look up the odds and this one is in the top 10 I will be very disappointed in the world. Oh wait, I am disappointed in the world. It’s a total hodgepodge of Meat Loaf ballad cliches that just doesn’t commit itself. It needs a soft rock guitar solo over the end but instead it just goes out with a whimper.

Verdict: Emptier than Mick Jagger’s balls after a world tour.
Final: Yes because you people are dreadful

6. ROMANIA – Ilinca feat. Alex Florea – Yodel It!
OH YES. THIS IS THE EUROVISION YOU WANTED. A white guy with cornrows rapping while a short-skirted dirty blonde does ridiculous/fantastic/horrendous yodelling. Her vocals in parts are miles away from notes that you would consider tuneful and I can only hope it’s as disastrous as this in the semi-finals and hopefully the final.

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Verdict: The culmination of middle-aged people sitting around nodding murmuring “yes, this is what is cool. We shall dominate them with this song”.
Final: I can only dream.

7. NETHERLANDS – O’G3NE – Lights And Shadows
Holland always do well and coming after the previous skidmark of a song should help it out a lot. It even features a silly guitar solo and ticks all the tropes required – key changes, acapella sections, etc.

Verdict: The video is a crushing bore so with a real stage presence this could do well. I would like a few more non-ballads though.
Final: Yes

8. HUNGARY – Joci Pápai – Origo
Apart from it sounding like he doesn’t know the words and is just making it up on the spot this one is lovely. Some great hooks and the video is very smart. The irony being that if I want to sing along with the very nice chorus I can’t and I have to make them up as I don’t speak foreign.

Verdict: Surprising even me, this is my favourite one. I imagine I may wake up tomorrow and hate it but right now, after listening to all this shit, I love it.
Final: Yes

9. DENMARK – Anja Nissen – Where I Am
Ah, back to sewage sludge. Achieves nothing. Lots of loud operatic vocals if you like that sort of thing. I am not an imbecile so of course I don’t. The kind of music people who have the worst taste in music listen to.

Verdict: Not even remotely worth acknowledging.
Final: No

10. IRELAND – Brendan Murray – Dying To Try
This is the same song as Denmark, Netherlands etc., just with different lyrics.

Verdict: Torturous.
Final: Not a fucking chance

11. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson – Spirit Of The Night
If you put together an EP of all the songs Valentina Monetta has sung at Eurovision (this is her fourth) you would have a bunch of loser songs. This has a bit more going for it. It being a duet at least makes it different and it’s got a funky disco vibe and a fun squelchy bass. There is a pointless key change that I really could have done without and an acappella bit that the Netherlands did better but the main issue is that it just doesn’t pound hard enough.

Verdict: Just too tepid.
Final: A hesitant yes.

12. CROATIA – Jacques Houdek – My Friend
Spoken word klaxon! And then you see his face and he looks like if you buzzcut your scrotum then tasered your wilted member. Then Pavarotti turns up to do some opera singing. Croatia treating the competition like it’s the goddamn UN and they’re fundraising for something. I guess Ukraine did that last year and it worked.

Verdict: There isn’t actually a song here.
Final: Please god no.

13. NORWAY – JOWST feat. Aleksander Walmann – Grab The Moment
They seem to have MF DOOM on the decks. Wait…three sets of decks? What madness is this? A lovely sidechain synth and fun sampling work. The middle is especially good and takes us into a very catchy finale. I just wish the singer had a bit more going on. He’s basically a chunk of wood wearing a pleasant hat.

Verdict: If I heard this on the radio I’d really like this so I think this one will do well. I love the light-up Friday The 13th masks too.
Final: Yes

14. SWITZERLAND – Timebelle – Apollo
While the video seems to be set at Dignitas it’s a shame the song wasn’t sent there before being released.

Verdict: I may change my opinion on this one. By the end I was kinda into the chorus.
Final: Yes No

15. BELARUS – NAVI – Story Of My Life
You can’t be called Navi. It should just be this for 3 minutes. The end is absolutely the worst piece of music I have heard since 1972 and I wasn’t even born then.

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Verdict: If Mumford & Sons and The Corrs ever wound up at a sex orgy where everyone took ketamine instead of Viagra so they were weak and flaccid this would be the song they wrote.
Final: Yes because you hate all that is good in the world

16. BULGARIA – Kristian Kostov – Beautiful Mess
Sorry folks. I have been influenced by the video. I found it really well shot and wonderfully visual and that got me into the song. I think on a stage this might be too dull but with the video it’s fantastic and while a little pretentious I am 100% okay with it.

Verdict: A triumph.
Final: Yes

17. LITHUANIA – Fusedmarc – Rain Of Revolution
Oh go and boil your arse. If Bulgaria is a beautiful mess then this is a not-been-to-the-toilet-all-day splattery mess. I assume the light show has some kind of subliminal message that convinced easily-led fools to vote for it. There is an outside chance that this one is actually good but her Gremlin-like gurning and hair-on-fire-esque flailing is too distracting.

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Spot the difference. You can’t. There are none.

Verdict: Watery arse biscuits.
Final: Yes

18. ESTONIA – Koit Toome & Laura – Verona
Here we are folks. The middle of the road song. Not a snippet of a chance of winning. Doubt it will qualify. The way he looks at the floor at the end of each line really accentuates how BORING the song is when the words stop for a few bars as nothing is going on. It gets going a little but there really isn’t much here.

Verdict: PUDGY FACE.
Final: No

19. ISRAEL – Imri Ziv – I Feel Alive
Oh. This is probably the winner. An absolute crowd pleaser of a song that is thoroughly enjoyable. Filled with the right amount of cheese and party-going joy that is infectious. Can’t see this not doing extremely well.

Verdict: Would.
Final: And win I’d say.

FINALISTS

FRANCE – Alma – Requiem
Haven’t they entered this before? Sounds like sitting on the kerb watching a broken Renault Clio crawl past.

Verdict: Full review pending election results.

GERMANY – Levina – Perfect Life
She’s really taken that asymmetrical haircut to the limit. Looks like Kristen Stewart dressed as Worzel Gummidge. Still, I’m sure us lesbians will enjoy it. Again, going for that synth ballad and it’s nice enough.

Verdict: Not a contender.

ITALY – Francesco Gabbani – Occidentali’s Karma
Oh great. An Italian Nickelback. Ah, that’s not fair. They are having fun and the song is feel-good with the correct dosage of silliness. Really lovely arrangement throughout and that OMMM ending makes me think of Red Dwarf’s Smeg and the Heads so full marks there.

Verdict: This will probably win.

SPAIN – Manel Navarro – Do It For Your Lover

OH, GO GOBBLE YOUR MOTHER’S GONADS

UKRAINE – O.Torvald – Time
Post-apocalyptic fun times. Cool for Ukraine to just throw in a solid rock song cos they knew they were in the final regardless. Love how they have a countdown carved into their chests. Is that how long they have before Russia invades?

That last minute though! It goes completely rifftastic. Haha, it’s great to see a country honestly not give a fuck. Great song, poor ending.

Verdict: The only rock song in the entire competition? Some countries will unload their full 12 points onto this bitch.

UNITED KINGDOM – Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You
Gah, even though I live in hope that we can enter a Scottish entry in the future when all this EU/Brexit shit has sorted itself out, I’m a huge fan of this song. I love her voice and am fully prepared for it to get no points as penalty for political retribution. But I don’t care. It is one of the best songs we’ve ever entered.

Verdict: Anarchy in the UK.

SUMMARY

And there we go – another year’s Eurovision songs professionally reviewed and not half-arsed at all. I will now look at the odds and betting to see how thoroughly wrong I am compared to the market and then still put all my money on Israel.

Laterz.

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Eurovision 2017: The Final

13 May

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And here we are again. The final of Eurovision 2017.

After the semi-finals a few of my favourites got flushed away and luckily so did a lot of the really sappy ballads. There are still a few but they sound a bit better sandwiched between the other songs now. The below are an updated version of my previous reviews in the same order as the final. Hope you enjoy yourselves tonight and remember:

The first rule of Eurovision is that whoever mentions Brexit gets PUNCHED IN THE FUCKING FACE.

1. ISRAEL – Imri Ziv – I Feel Alive
What a song to open on. Shame it ruins its chances to win though. You need to hear some of the dross before you realise what a good one this is. An absolute crowd pleaser of a song that is thoroughly enjoyable. Filled with the right amount of cheese and party-going joy that is infectious. Can’t see this not being in the top 10. He’s also rather pleasant on the eye…

Verdict: I’m comfortable that if the performance is good this one will do well. It being first helps too. I’m saying Top 5.

2. POLAND – Kasia Moś – Flashlight
I know Eurovision is often formulaic but you’ll hear a lot that spend the first minute whimpering then the second minute beefing things up. This is the first of many that do that. Unfortunately the second minute of this just sounds like an army marching in jackboots all over her nice song. That said, the finale has a full string section bashing away with echoes of Puff Daddy’s Come With Me, so there’s that.

Verdict: It’s a bit early for a diva ballad. This one will be forgotten.

3. BELARUS – NAVI – Story Of My Life
Well, it still sounds like they stole the music from the Lion King and the end is absolutely the worst piece of music I have heard since 1972 and I wasn’t even born then.

Verdict: If Mumford & Sons and The Corrs ever decided to write the blandest song they possibly could it would be better than this.

4. AUSTRIA – Nathan Trent – Running On Air
It’s a bit different to the others but I can’t hear anything other than a poor boyband b-side from the 1990s. Just a jangly guitar and overly cheery vocals. I think after the hallucinogen performance from Belarus this one will be too saccharine.

Verdict: Just a grown up Billy Elliot without the success.

5. ARMENIA – Artsvik – Fly With Me
It’s just not very memorable and I am glad to see it slip down the betting odds.

Verdict: It sounds like someone sped up the music from a Tarantino film for most of it.

6. NETHERLANDS – O’G3NE – Lights And Shadows
A female three piece wearing surprisingly bad outfits that takes a while to get going. It leaves me a little underwhelmed but the second half is stronger.

Verdict: I don’t think it will win but it could float around the top 10.

7. MOLDOVA – SunStroke Project – Hey Mamma!
It’s the Ed Sheeran Shape Of You xylophone sound. When the camera comes in close he often looks like a balding James McAvoy which is a little distracting. Oh wait. Did I say his looks were distracting? I mean that ridiculous saxophone is! Haha, that is just incredible cheese. The BEST type of cheese. You’ll love this. Unless you’re a proper fan of Eurovision or something.

Verdict: Awful in every conceivable way and absolutely incredible.

8. HUNGARY – Joci Pápai – Origo
Apart from it sounding like he doesn’t know the words and is just making it up on the spot this one is lovely. Some great hooks that really grows on you. Not so keen on the rap. The irony being that if I want to sing along with the very nice chorus I can’t and I have to make them up as I don’t speak Hungarian.

Verdict: Surprising even me, this is one of my favourite ones. I think being between the zaniness of Moldova and the favourite of Italy will kill its chances.

9. ITALY – Francesco Gabbani – Occidentali’s Karma
An Italian Nickelback. Ah, that’s not fair. They are having fun and the song is feel-good with the correct dosage of silliness. Really lovely arrangement throughout and that “OMMM” ending makes me think of Red Dwarf’s Smeg and the Heads so full marks there.

Verdict: Along with Portugal one of the final’s favourites. The guy looks like he has a lot of charm but that gorilla suit stuff is questionable so it could all tank.

10. DENMARK – Anja Nissen – Where I Am
Ah, back to sewage sludge. Achieves nothing. Lots of loud operatic vocals if you like that sort of thing. I am not an imbecile so of course I don’t. Pretty forgettable song but she gives it her fucking all, throwing herself around and shrieking those notes at the end like a deranged koala. I hate every second it’s on.

Verdict: Not even remotely worth acknowledging.

11. PORTUGAL – Salvador Sobral – Amar pelos dois
Bit harsh of Portugal to enter some homeless dude who looks like he’s two steps away from turning into a zombie. Gave me a right laugh though with his stupid wispy beardy face. Hope he gets a new cardboard box for a home after this. It doesn’t sound very Eurovision – or maybe it does? I don’t know anymore.

Verdict: This is probably the most “different” song in the competition and I can see it doing incredibly well. As I type this is the market favourites. I just can’t believe anyone actually likes it and is just giving the poor guy sympathy points.

12. AZERBAIJAN – Dihaj – Skeletons
From the start this one shows a lot of promise. It’s a bit of a nothing verse with a great chorus. Not that catchy and (as with all things Eurovision) the music is a little low and the vocal a little high. A lot of nice layering of cool electronic sounds in the background too. Love the bit with the horse’s head.

Verdict: After Denmark and Portugal this is a big step up.

13. CROATIA – Jacques Houdek – My Friend
Spoken word klaxon! And then you see his face and he looks like if you buzzcut your scrotum then tasered your wilted member. Then he Gollum’s into Pavarotti and does some opera singing. Croatia treating the competition like it’s the goddamn UN and they’re fundraising for something. I guess Ukraine did that last year and it worked.

Verdict: Hilariously bad. There is absolutely no song here at all. Makes me want to self harm again.

14. AUSTRALIA – Isaiah – Don’t Come Easy
Obv jokes first: No, I “don’t come easy” when you have awful eyebrows and a shit haircut like that pal. Another ballad but this time it has a very nice arrangement that includes a rather lovely spin on the orchestral hit effect. Builds nicely and doesn’t do anything over the top or pretentious.

Verdict: It’s pleasant and after that hideous Croatian mess that stunk up the stage this could hit the right tone with the juries.

15. GREECE – Demy – This Is Love
This one is another ballad and sounds like it could have been a previous entry from the last 20 years. When it turns into a banger I’m not 100% convinced. It just sounds SO Eurovision – like filling in a paint-by-numbers and failing to feign surprise at the result. And yes, that is me saying this one is rubbish because it sounds too Eurovision and saying Portugal is rubbish because it’s not Eurovision enough. Go eat a bowl of chewy foreskins.

Verdict: Demy has had some bad rehearsals where she missed the notes by miles but was fine in the semi final. Not a fan of the song so hope she blows it in the final.

16. SPAIN – Manel Navarro – Do It For Your Lover
Just utter poison.

17. NORWAY – JOWST feat. Aleksander Walmann – Grab The Moment
They seem to have MF DOOM on the decks. Wait…three sets of decks? What madness is this? A lovely sidechain synth and fun sampling work. The middle is especially good and takes us into a very catchy finale. I just wish the singer had a bit more going on. He’s basically a chunk of wood wearing a pleasant hat.

Verdict: If I heard this on the radio I’d really like this so I think this one will do well. I love the light-up Friday The 13th masks too.

18. UNITED KINGDOM – Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You
Gah, even though I live in hope that we can enter a Scottish entry in the future when all this EU/Brexit shit has sorted itself out. Argh. I mentioned Brexit someone punch me in the face. Seriously, I’m a huge fan of this song. I love her voice and am waging that a lot of Europe feel the same way about the EU and won’t penalise us with points. Maybe?! But I don’t care. It is one of the best songs we’ve ever entered.

Verdict: Anarchy in the UK.

19. CYPRUS – Hovig – Gravity
Great hook on this one. Hammers home the chorus a lot which is always a winner in my book. You’ve got three minutes – milk it my boy. The only thing that alarmed me was thinking that if Peter Andre ever spunked his mess up Olly Murs’ fallopian tubes then the resulting offspring would look like Hovig.

Verdict: Again, there is no way this will win but I am a huge fan of it.

20. ROMANIA – Ilinca feat. Alex Florea – Yodel It!
OH YES. THIS IS THE EUROVISION YOU WANTED. It’s a shame the singer has got rid of his cornrows and now looks like a hipster barista. He looks like he could be working as a barista in a artisan coffee shop. I guess after Saturday he will be. Still, watching him rapping while a short-skirted dirty blonde does ridiculous/fantastic yodelling as the chorus is just perfect. Turn it up loud and cheer for Romania to win. Then put your head in your hands and wonder why this is your Saturday night. You fucking loser.

Verdict: You know when I said Cyprus may do well? They are boned because this comes after it.

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21. GERMANY – Levina – Perfect Life
She’s really taken that asymmetrical haircut to the limit. Looks like Kristen Stewart dressed as Worzel Gummidge (RIP). Again, going for that synth ballad and it’s nice enough.

Verdict: Mid – bottom table.

22. UKRAINE – O.Torvald – Time
Post-apocalyptic fun times. Cool for Ukraine to just throw in a solid rock song cos they knew they were in the final regardless. Not sure what the giant head is about.
That last minute though! It goes completely rifftastic. Haha, it’s great to see a country honestly not give a toss. Great song, poor ending.

Verdict: The only rock song in the entire competition? Some countries will unload their full 12 points onto this bitch and everyone else will avoid it completely.

23. BELGIUM – Blanche – City Lights
Every year I listen to Belgium’s entries and every year I like them and they never win. This year however I dislike their song. It’s a low beat slice of electronic but with ever-so-slightly annoying drumming and a wondrously pathetic vocal. It’s like watching someone try to blow up a balloon when they don’t have any lungs – utterly hopeless.

Watch her face – she looks so terrified and is all over the place on performance. I can’t believe she got through to the final. Maybe voters will mistake her fear for being solid and stable? It’s worked for Theresa May.

Verdict: The sort of laidback emotionless slop you’d play over the video footage of Martin Shkreli gassing himself with exhaust fumes in his garage.

24. SWEDEN – Robin Bengtsson – I Can’t Go On
At first I was a little disappointed by this entry but I have found myself singing it a lot. Perhaps it’s because the words “I Just Love Dongs” fit so perfectly over the chorus. It’s not as memorable as their usual offerings and it suffers from a robotic facial performance by a beige mannequin in a crap suit. I love how they are on treadmills though and there is some innovative choreography but the chorus just never pops – probably needs another melody over the final chorus to give it a kick. That said, 3rd last and after the car crash of Belgium. An each way bet on this one is likely to reap rewards – but I could say that for 2018 and 2019 for Sweden.

Verdict: Poppy banger sung by a Robin Thicke cyborg sex doll clone.

image

25. BULGARIA – Kristian Kostov – Beautiful Mess
The absolute favourite from Semi-Final 2 and a great placing of second last in the final won’t harm its chances. Compared to all the silliness we’ve seen today this one is more laid back and, while a little pretentious, it is still heartfelt and serious. I imagine it will do very well.

Verdict: Top 5

26. FRANCE – Alma – Requiem
First of all, thank you for not voting in Le Pen. Here, have some sympathy points because this song you’ve entered sounds like sitting on the kerb watching a broken Renault Clio crawl past.

Verdict: Not a chance. A damp squib to end on.

SUMMARY

I’m pretty sure the betting markets have it right I just seriously hope Portugal don’t win. I’m an Anyone But Portugal kinda guy. Therefore I’ve done what I want to happen – that clearly won’t – and what is likely to happen below:

What I Want To Happen

20170513_093013

What Is Likely To Happen

20170513_090422

Eurovision Semi-Final 2: THE END OF YOUR SEMI FOREVER

11 May

I don’t know about you but I think I like Semi Final 2 more than 1. Sure there are still far too many singers on their own but overall I prefer the songs.

As a quick recap here are some thoughts on each country to skip read while you watch tonight. As always, I am wrong about everything.

SERBIA – Their decision to stage an upbeat pop song as a woman on her own is fundamentally flawed. I’m pretty confident that it will qualify, of course, but I just wish there were dancers. Or you know, a band pretending to play. I also think they hold back on the chorus so it’s not quite as banging as it could be.
Qualify? YES

AUSTRIA – The most optimistic of the ballads. Distinctly middle of the road. Again, dressed in white but performing in front of a giant moon. Which is also the symbol of Islam and gives the song a confused meaning.
QUALIFY? NO

MACEDONIA – First of all – PRETTY. Second of all – WHERE ARE YOUR DANCERS? I mean, again it’s her alone on the stage and considering there are SO many backing vocals on the song it just looks silly.
Qualify? YES

MALTA – A really dreadful ballad performed by Michelle Visage after a stroke.
Qualify? NO

ROMANIA – Peak Eurovision. So terrible and so perfect at the same time. Amazed to see the guy has ditched his cornrows and gone for the full hipster look. He looks like he could be working as a barista in a artisan coffee shop. After Saturday he will be.
Qualify? YES

NETHERLANDS – I dislike all three piece girl bands so not a fan of this either. However, this will do well. It is well staged and the song is fine. If this came before Romania I’d expect it to win the Semi Final as I have no respect for humanity. But after Romania… gonna go out on a limb and say it won’t qualify
Qualify? NO

HUNGARY – My favourite song from Semi Final 2. Just a shame he’s forgotten the words and just making funny noises.
Qualify? YES

DENMARK – After the lofi approach of Hungary the Danes go full dramaqueen. Pretty forgettable song but she gives her fucking all, throwing herself around and shrieking those notes like a deranged koala. I hate every second it’s on.
Qualify? YES

IRELAND – Nice to see Ireland enter a trans entry this year.
Qualify? NO

SAN FUCKING MARINO – You can get 10-1 for this to even qualify for the final. It isn’t that bad. It’s also a disco duet. Pathetic stage show, everything is wrong with it. I’m going to be utterly wrong and say this will qualify as it comes after Ireland.
Qualify? YES

CROATIA – Just dreadful. Operatics from Dino from Fear Factory.
Qualify? NO

NORWAY – Another personal favourite. No idea why it’s in Eurovision though.
Qualify? YES

SWITZERLAND – Looking like a sexier version of Belle from Beauty & The Beast this does everything it can to be as pleasant and inoffensive as possible.
Qualify? NO

BELARUS – Actually just the music from The Lion King
Qualify? YES

BULGARIA – A decent but dark ballad. Seems to be the favourite. Not as good as it thinks it is.
Qualify? YES

LITHUANIA – Only communists or gremlins like this.
Qualify? NO

ESTONIA – Looks like if the hosts for The Price Is Right sang a song. Tragic.
Qualify? NOT A CHANCE IN HELL

ISRAEL – Energetic with a hot singer, great voice and party tune. Ends the semi final – blatantly gonna be in the final.
Qualify? YES

SUMMARYsemifinal2

SEMI-FINAL 1. A final summary.

9 May

Sweden – Solid slice of pop. Just try to sing “I just love dongs” over the chorus. Best use of treadmill and dancing.  Easily top 5 in final. Each way bet for certain. It’s all downhill from here.

Georgia – First of many standing alone on stage performances, only lyrics are keep the faith.  Bon Jovi song is better. Her voice wobbles a lot. Hate it.

Australia – Boyband cheese. I kinda like it. Dull stage though.

Albania – Tragic. Won’t qualify.

Belgium – Hipster triangles all over the place. She looks scared to be there. Will do okay.

Montenegro – Total Eurovision klaxon. Funky funk. Like Louis Spence with a wig on. No chance at all. His voice ain’t so great either live. A personal favourite.

Finland – Black bird? You mean brown turd. Probably the worst song in the competition.  Will do well.

Azerbaaijan – like a dark pop gem but rehearsals don’t look good and no idea what the hell the stage show is about. Just her in a room with falling down walls and a man carrying a horse’s head. No Skeletons at all. I like it. 

Portugal – just the worst. Make it gayer or get out. Will probably win. Hate it.

Greece – worst voice in the competition. Pretty nice song but bad performance. No chance.

Poland – she’d have more luck making a range of fleshlights.

Moldova – Total Eurovision klaxon again! Best sax of all the songs. Awful in every conceivable way and the best song in the competition of course. 

Iceland – Sounds like Robyn. Great performance and weirdo stage look. Easily in the final.

Czech Republic – HAHAHA HAHAHA.  A TIN FOIL BURRITO COULD SING BETTER. Nice song but she is BAD. Will come last.

Cyprus – if he sings this well it can qualify. I love that slow back beat but he often wobbles on the notes…

Armenia – somehow a favourite. Good stage show but just sounds like someone sped up the music from a Tarantino film over most of it.

Slovenia – he can actually sing so no idea why Noone likes this. Song and lyrics are naff but vs the crap you’ve just sat through, this is just as crap.

Latvia – 90s dance song with the most tired synth patch making it even worse. Sounds like it is a 3 minute edit of a 5 minute long song.


SUMMARY

Most of the songs I like won’t qualify and you’ll all like one of the shit Adele ballads.

Eurovision 2017: The Un-United Kingdom entries

27 Jan

eurovision-you-decide-uk-bbc-1

Well what a year 2016 was for the UK. And by the UK I mean England and Wales the silly useless fuds for voting out of the EU. This could well represent our last Eurovision – mostly because I doubt there’ll be much of a world left in 2018 based on current events.

Danyl Johnson – Light up the World

Urgh. Sounds like Hootie and the Blowfish sung over an arrangement written by a bedroom shut-in who still thought The Streets were relevant. Lyrically tragic and wetter than Donald Trump’s millimetre flabby thrusts into the quivering thighs of his prisoner wife.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Kick Danyl out of the UK.

Olivia Garcia – Freedom Hearts

The theme to Nigel Farage and his whole gang of slobbering numbcunts marching down the street demanding freedom while enslaving anyone who is different. Parallel universe levels of awfulness with the added bonus of being as emotionally unfulfilling as your last three dates.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Get them out for the lads

Salami Mastrioianniioananiiioou – I Don’t Want to Fight

This is more like it. Can’t quite put my finger on which artist this is ripping off but it’s not dreadful. Lyrically it sounds like the current Labour party – making excuses and laying down to the rightwing steamroller rather than being an actual opposition which would get in the way of their tea and biscuits. Anyone in that camp can go open their throats on their mother’s cock.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Phwoooooar. Slobber. Drool.

Nate Simpson – What Are We Made Of

This one is okay. A huge melancholy ballad. That sums up the UK to me. A few transitions between sections are a little jarring and don’t get any better with listens. The end is a glorious tour de force of vocals (for Eurovision) and I think if he pulls that off on the night he has a chance.

It’s very much an Apology For Brexit song with quite a bleak outlook of 2017 Britain. For that I have to give it respect.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Traitor remoaner cuck.

Holly Brewer – I Wish I Loved You More

Note to Holly: 2002 called and asked for it’s song back.

Songs don’t sound like this anymore. It’s a Kelly Clarkson or P!nk b-side. Chorus is okay but verse is porridge. Considering it’s only 3 minutes it feels longer than the rest of them put together. It slows time it’s so dreary. No real climax so it goes on the scrapheap.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Hacks her phone to leak nude pics.

Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You

Now this lady has a beautiful voice. I find that always helps in these song contests. Different pace to the others half expecting that drum and bass break that never comes.

Better than the last decade of Eurovision combined.

Opinion from the EU: She can live here.
Opinion from the UK: Sorry. What was that? I was too busy commenting on Guardian articles with my professional opinion of being a dick.

Final standings then

Lucie Jones
Nate Simpson
Salami Mastrioianniioananiiioou
Danyl Johnson
Holly Brewer
Olivia Garcia

Ps. Fuck the current UK and US government and anyone who supports them.

Stockholm Sindrome – The Final of Eurovision 2016

14 May

Hell, oh again.

After being mostly right about what qualified and what didn’t I thought I’d do a quick overview of the final songs so you can glance through when watching the final. I hope you survive watching the contest.

1 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one opens the show?

Verdict: Another One Bites the Dust mixed with early Girls Aloud.
Top 5: No

2 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.A better title is “I Can’t Stand It”

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Top 5: Coma

3 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Top 5: Probably

4 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

This one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really, really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Top 5: Yes

5 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Also he is rather hot. I want to make his eyes look like creampied-vaginas.

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Top 5: Yes

6 – ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No and if you like it I recommend you take a bath with your toaster

7 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Top 5: Flushed away.

8 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Top 5: No

9 – SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

On second listen before the final it is quite nice. I just wanted something more. It’s very subtle and quite talky. Amongst the mix of terribleness though this one could jump out and surprise us.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: Good performance = yes

10 – GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict: 
Top 5: No

11 – FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes & one of my favourites

12 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

This one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Top 5: Heinous.

13 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Top 5: It’s a favourite for some reason. People are dumb.

14 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this is rock Eurovision. Like Zeromancer or that rockier Apoptygma Berzerk record. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Top 5: Yes I think so

15 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Top 5: Bosnian war crimes

16 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Top 5: Absolutely never

17 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Top 5: Nope.

18 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Top 5: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

19 – SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. So coming after the absolute favourite basically bones it I’d say. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing, but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

20 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Top 5: I really hope so.

21 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: Marmite song – either top 5 or bottom 5.

22 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

If your ears are still working properly after 21 tracks you may like this one. A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Top 5: Yes

23 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Okay this is the bit where you want to turn the whole thing off. I love this one because it’s such a jumble sale of nonsense. But you know, it’s nice to have something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

You know what.This should never have qualified. The fact it has gives me faith. Fuck it, yes, this will win. LOL

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints probably
Top 5: 200-1? I’ll take that each way. Just in case… 

24 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Top 5: Dismembered and on fucking fire in a wheely bin if there is any good left in the world

25 – UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that our government tried to decline thousands of refugee children access to the UK the other week.

Verdict: Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.
Top 5: No

26 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Top 5: No

BUMMARY

So I reckon unless some shit ballad wins you’re probably looking at these:

France
Azerbaijan  200-1 now? Was the semi-final that bad? Actually no chance!
Cyprus
Hungary
Malta

Won’t win but will be second or third:

Netherlands
Russia
Australia

I have no idea what is going on and this one should not be in the contest at all so it might win by accident:

Georgia

 

Eurovision – Stockholm, Sweden 2016

30 Apr

eurovision-2016-logo

Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.

2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.

The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.

So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!

I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!

SEMI-FINAL 1

1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away

A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.

Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO

Verdict: JOYOUS
Final: Yes

2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land

After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.

Verdict: Argos homo delivery
Final: No

3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars

Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.

Verdict: Mol-NO-va
Final: No

4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Final: Yes

5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final

6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Final: Yes

7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Final: Yes

8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know

Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.

Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
Final: No

9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Splurge.

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.

11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win

12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Final: No

13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play

Another
Boring
Ballad
By
Some
Daft
Cunt
Who
Doesn’t
Matter

That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.

Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
Final: No

14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win

15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing

Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.

Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again

16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling

A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.

Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win

17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je

Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?

No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.

Verdict: Snooze
Final: No

18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Final: Yes

SEMI-FINAL 2

It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.

1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Final: Yes

2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Final: Yes

3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind

Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.

Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.

4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.

5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly

What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.

That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.

Verdict: JUST DULL
Final: No

6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Final: No

7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.

Disgusting and wrong.

Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
Final: Yes

8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona

A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.

Verdict: Dona kebab
Final: No

9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Final: Yes

10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Final: Yes

11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red

A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.

Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
Final: Yes

12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence

Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.

Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..

Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest

13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Final: No

14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love

Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.

Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
Final: Yes

15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: No

16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker

About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.

I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.

Verdict: No-Way
Final: No

17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
Final: Yes

18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.

Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
Final: Yes

19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.

Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
Final: Yes

SOME OTHER CUNTS

All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.

FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes

GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict:
Top 5: No

ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No

SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No

UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.

Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes

Summary

A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:

My Faves

ICELAND
FRANCE
FINLAND
AZERBAIJAN
UNITED KINGDOM

Outsiders

LITHUANIA
HUNGARY
CYPRUS
GEORGIA
BELGIUM

Worst songs that will probably win

RUSSIA
CROATIA
SWEDEN