Tag Archives: Eurovision

Eurovision 2019: A morally corrupt final for a morally corrupt country

18 May

eurovision-2019-logo

Oh god. The final is here and it’s time for my recap on all of the songs from this years Eurovision. We’ve got rid of a lot of the bad ones so fortunately there are only 26 bad ones left – out of 26.

Now we’re past the semis I can pat myself on the cock and be all smug that I got around 8 out of 10 right for each semi. Not too bad. Some absolute shit got through but, you know what, that makes the final more interesting/diseased.

I mean, there have been some pretty awful things happen in Israel over the years so who’d have thought the very worst thing to occur would be a vocal performance from North Macedonia? And yet, they still qualified. I pray she is as dreadful as she was on Thursday so you can suffer with me.

Now I’ve seen the performance it’s a lot clearer on the big standouts and also the ones that have shat the bed with their staging and now have no chance. I still don’t see Netherlands winning it – but it’s so fucking dull and lifeless maybe that’ll be its stand out moment. Who knows I guess.

Here’s my recap for you to follow along while you watch Saturday’s final.

THE FUCKING FINAL

1. MALTA: Michela – Chameleon
Malta have really brought it this year. This is hugely listenable, modern sounding, and does all it can to be a contender. While the video of the song is lovely the staging for the Eurovision show is NUL POINTS. I can’t believe it is opening the show. It’s very Eurovision – will get points at least but fade away I reckon.

Final thoughts: Last year it was Netta with those golden cats. I still hope this year it’s Michela with chameleons!

2. ALBANIA: Jonida Maliqi – Ktheju tokës
This is absolute nonsense that fails to come to life. Long held notes over a familiar arrangement. I’m sure I could go re-listen to failed songs from the last ten years of Eurovision and a song that sounded like this would be there.

Final thoughts: You won’t remember this by the end. Just like you don’t really believe there is a country called Albania. 

3. CZECH REPUBLIC: Lake Malawi – Friend Of A Friend
I hate how that is a cowbell on the song but he’s playing a different drum live. That said, it is upbeat and pleasant. Some would say smug and they would be right. Ticks all the boxes for pop perfection – and it seems to be about fucking a 13-year-old. In the video he even goes to jail. Hell yes.

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And the winner for Most Punchable Face goes to… THIS CUNT

Final thoughts: Like Donald Trump, this comes too early. This could have done well if it was on later but it’s too soon in the order. Especially now the show starts with Malta and her chameleons.

4. GERMANY: S!sters – Sister
A duet that goes nowhere, symbolised by them revolving around on a stage where every direction leads them back to the beginning. I assume they change that for the Eurovision stage but, either way, it’ll still be two midgets shrieking “SISTERS” at each other for three fucking minutes. The song is all shades of awful, like the choice between Jeremy Corbyn and Theresa May – you just want both to die.

Final thoughts: Pretty unfair for the Germans to inflict this kind of trauma on the folk of Israel. 

5. RUSSIA: Sergey Lazarev – Scream
It’s okay I guess. Nicely staged with those cool mirrors and screens. Mostly listenable and he seems quite a happy kinda guy for a white supremacist with a backyard full of corpses.

Final thoughts: The chorus is “they scream”. That’s literally Putin’s cum cry when watching gay people be tortured to death.

6. DENMARK: Leonora – Love Is Forever
Her stare is legit terrifying. You can’t trust someone who looks at you that way. The way she says “love is forever” really should scare you. In her basement are around forty men in cages, all chained to each other, that she milks on a weekly basis so she can bathe in their “love”.

Final thoughts: So salty.

7. SAN MARINO: Serhat – Say Na Na Na
Oh yes. This is a fucking laugh. It’s as if Leonard Cohen did gay disco. He can’t sing. He’s absolutely useless. Yet he’s still here doing his thing. It’s pretty much a metaphor for all old white men.

Serhat looks like he argues with women about the Me Too movement online. I hope that beast from Denmark catches him.

Final thoughts:  Are San Marino going to win? Say NA NA NA.

8. NORTH MACEDONIA: Tamara Todevska – Proud
Kinda cool that they are North Macedonia now. Upset the UK is not listed as the Un-United Kingdom. Proud is an echo of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful except so splutteringly devoid of worth I feel my life has lost 2% of its meaning just from being subjected to it. A betrayal to anyone on this Earth who is still alive and a curse on those who can feel emotion.

Final thoughts: Three minutes that last forever, like that time you filled a toilet roll tube up with broken glass and fucked it.

9. SWEDEN: John Lundvik – Too Late For Love
Considering he is performing under a giant sunbed that can’t be good for his skin. It’s a standard electro pop banger from Sweden much like their last couple of entries. I’m a sucker for them so immediately biased. Is it as strong as previous years? Not at all, but the soul backing singers really ensure this song is punching above its weight.

Final thoughts: Anything less than top 5 is failure.

10. SLOVENIA: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi
The song you’d put on a playlist for your ex-wife who’s in a coma and you’re trying to ensure she never wakes up again. The empty electro music you’d hear in a high-end hotel played softly over the speakers during their breakfast service.

She also doesn’t have enough face to fit on all of her features.

Final thoughts: That pissy drum beat can fuck right off. Any EU trade deal the UK agrees should include a clause that states these two are thrown off a cliff.

11. CYPRUS: Tamta – Replay
Decent enough. A pop song from the early 00s that’s not a hundred miles away from Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You. Chorus is a let-down as the melody just plays on a thicker sounding instrument. “You need my love on replay” she squawks in a vocoded flat emotionless voice, almost as if I’m watching this video on Pornhub and her dead eyes are staring back at me with that infamous haunting look of desperation for attention. No moneyshot though.

Final thoughts: It’s solid enough but a shame no crescendo.

12. NETHERLANDS: Duncan Lawrence – Arcade
Netherlands have sucked in Eurovision for a while now. Maybe the last 100 years. Luckily this is not Waylon from last year. Instead it’s a song devoid of passion or any real joy.  It’s the music that played in the elevators of the Twin Towers. I can feel my arteries hardening listening to this. Like the way Rutger Hauer’s replicant starts to slow down at the end of Blade Runner, I need to do something violent to myself in order to stay alive. Excuse me while I sand down my nipples.

Final thoughts: Everyone is worthless. Hope is lost. This is the bookies’ favourite. Kill us all. 

13. GREECE: Katerine Duska – Better Love
That big sounding Florence and the Machine pumping heart that you’ve been secretly waiting for. It’s an odd video so I expected the staging to be fun – it’s not. Instead the staging actually detracts from how good the song is. While I found the song warming and a strong contender against the others this performance won’t cut it.

Final thoughts: Swing and a miss

HALF WAY POINT!

Oh my god there are more of them? By now I kinda feel like the girl at the end of a bukkake video. It’s getting a bit tiresome now and all tastes the same. I’m really just waiting on that one guy who smokes weed or eats asparagus to turn up just to change it up a bit. Please. Let one of these next songs be that guy.

14. ISRAEL: Kobi Marimi – Home
Urgh. What is it about all these fucking automatic finalists entering absolute fucking boring pish? This reminds me, in parts, of the Up There song by Satan on the South Park Movie soundtrack. Except for, you know, not being as good or valuable.

Untitled-1

Satan with his new lover.

Final thoughts: To be clear I am not comparing Israel to Satan. I am comparing Netanyahu to Satan because they are, in fact, the same person. Except Netanyahu bums kids.

15. NORWAY: KEiiNO – Spirit In The Sky
Sorry, you can’t call a song Spirit In The Sky. That title is taken by one of the best songs ever. Why not go all the way and call it Baby One More Time or Smooth Criminal?

Anyway, this is pretty much a meme video like What Does The Fox Say?, only without the stronger melodies that set that apart. It fails to commit to either silly or serious, and hence doesn’t get to where it needs to be. The middle with the daft singing should absolutely slay but I just end up thinking of the bald guy from Aqua.

Final thoughts: I was wrong about this one. It’s fucking hilarious. When it keeps cutting to the bald guy who does his silly singing you just have to laugh. Also: they look HAPPY.  After all this glum shit this will do well because guess who is next…

16. UNITED KINGDOM: Michael Rice – Bigger Than Us
This one is actually pretty good. Compared to the rest of the dross this one is pretty strong. Does that matter though? We are on a hiding to nothing. No chance. No friends. Alone. And all our own fault.

tattoo from a twat

Michael Rice’s new tattoo

Final thoughts: Sure, he looks like an over-inflated pillow that has a drag queen with bad foundation sown onto it but his voice is strong. It doesn’t matter. Between Iceland and Norway we are FUCKED – like our attempt to have the Norway EU deal. Maximum of 15 points for the entire night I reckon.

17. ICELAND: Hatari – Hatrið mun sigra
Let’s not fuck around here. This is a fucking killer of a track. The energy of it all is great. And yes, there are some sexy men in latex and bondage gear too. I love the over-production of his vocal that makes it even more rabid. The contrast between that and the softer chorus is just wonderfully done.

Final thoughts: It’s called Hate Will Prevail. They don’t give a fuck if they win or come last. Gotta love that.

18. ESTONIA: Victor Crone – Storm

<screams>

Avicii has been resurrected.

<screams for all eternity>

Final thoughts: This guy is hot so idiots give him points. He’s usually miles away from the right note when he sings. Still. He’ll do better than the UK.

19. BELARUS: ZENA – Like It
Um. This is actually No Scrubs. The chorus redeems it though, and I like how they just hammer that home by making the entire rest of the song the chorus. It doesn’t quite hit the peak for me – I would have considered overlapping vocals over the end – but meh, it’s decent enough. My only other thought is she’s so goddamn shrieky live. It’s piercing and quite annoying – if the music is loud enough though it should sit better in the mix.

Final thoughts: ‘Is he gonna like it?’ OF COURSE NOT YOU WITCH, TAKE YOUR FINGER OFF HIS PROSTATE

20. AZERBAIJAN: Chingiz – Truth
I like Azerbaijan. They’ve entered loads of good stuff over the years.

The side chain on the verse is absolutely superb, getting me to nod my head like a fucking spazz. Then the chorus comes out of nowhere and is an absolute killer. I like it when the chorus is not only catchy but also something you can say to work colleagues when they ask if you’ve done that report you promised. “Shut up about it!”

Final thoughts: I want this to win. The staging with robots and lasers is awesome but then it has some cheap effects a bit later on. Secretly, I hope a Muslim country wins.

21. FRANCE: Bilal Hassani – Roi
Pretty much a boring ballad like North Macedonia but fuck the song, it’s about Bilal Hassani who is doing the Conchita drag thing. Except without the talent. I mean honestly it’s fucking dreadful and we shouldn’t give him a pass because of it. While it’s kinda fun sending an Arab in a wig over to Israel, the fact remains: Dana International he is not.

He is also preaching about love and respect and all that so I want to drive over his silly little head in a tank.

Final thoughts: He’s so small his Eurovision-week Airbnb is probably the cannon barrel of a 155mm Israeli howitzer.

22. ITALY: Mahmood – Soldi
A much better entry from Italy. Can’t say I totally got it at first but it’s really grown on me. Unfortunately, he appears to have the charisma of a used sanitary towel and the staging has killed it dead. Personally, the grime influences that bleed through in the second verse really make it sparkle.

Final thoughts: The best of the auto-qualifiers for sure but that’s not saying much.

23. SERBIA: Nevena Božović – Kruna
This one doesn’t come close to the beauty of Hungary’s entry (which didn’t even fucking qualify) and the addition of the soft-rock guitar poisons it like a chemotherapy IV drip filled with dog cum.

Final thoughts: Don’t swallow.

24. SWITZERLAND: Luca Hänni – She Got Me
Manages to avoid the pitfall I was expecting and sounds a lot of fun. Can imagine this one getting people on their feet at a club too. I like how it continues to build the chorus successfully each time which makes it more satisfying to listen to. Considering they have all the Jewish gold it would be nice if they won the trophy in Israel.

Final thoughts: This is a fun one but it’s about to be eclipsed by…

25. AUSTRALIA: Kate Miller-Heidke – Zero Gravity
This
. This is the one where, like when Rise Like A Phoenix happened, you went to yourself – “oh, that should obviously fucking win.” Then it did. That is this song this year.

Silly outfit? Silly operatic vocals? Mad as fuck staging? All check. We have a Eurovision competition now! This will do extremely well – not sure if it will win but it will come close. Also her vocals in the video I saw were live and that gives me a lot of faith that she will smash this on stage.

Final thoughts: Just a wonderful performance and song. I’m pretty sure it will win and then we can go to Australia next year. 

26. SPAIN: Miki – La venda
Is it too much to ask for a singer from Spain who combs his hair? Well, like his hair, this one is a fucking mess. It’s like one of those Balkan-influenced gypsy punk ones that were all the rage a few years ago. Except they’ve smoothed the production and sanded the edges off it. I don’t think I could listen to this one again. I said it would come last and then fantastically it is technically last. But I need it to come last in the voting. It is monstrously shit.

Final thoughts: Much like Portugal, Spain are a plague on music in general. They should be stopped at all costs.

SUMMARY

Well I hope the one you despised won and you regret your Saturday evening choices spent with me. For clarity here’s how I want shit to go down:

My personal top 6 in no order:

Azerbaijan
Iceland
Australia
Greece
Switzerland
Sweden

What will probably be top 6 because God is dead:

Netherlands
Serbia
Russia
Estonia
Australia
Sweden

Overall, I’d reckon an each way on Australia will get you some money back.

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Eurovision 2019: Tel Aviv, Just Don’t Tell Your Mum

6 May

eurovision-2019-logoAnother year passes. Pop culture comes and goes. Nothing really changes. We move on to another thing to get outraged about. Brexit doesn’t happen. Trump is still mad as a box of David Icke DVDs. Theresa May in power until the end of time. Jeremy Corbyn too busy making jam to do anything while the world burns. In the end we all get closer to death.

Still, not as close to death as those in Palestine and Israel.

This year I have been busy (changing jobs, buying a flat, making music, washing my disappearing hair) so I’ve not had any time to consider Eurovision existing. It feels like a fucking chore to even bother with it this year. It holds no excitement for me. It’s like the latest season of RuPaul’s Drag Race now. Tired and only sustained by past glories.

I’ve not bothered with watching rehearsals so it’s all based off the videos/live performances from YouTube so likely to be completely wrong this year.

TL;DR: Azerbaijan to win. Spain to be last.

Anyway. On we go.

SEMI-FINAL ONE

1. CYPRUS: Tamta – Replay
Decent enough. A pop song from the early 00s that’s not a hundred miles away from Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You. Chorus is a let-down as the melody just plays on a thicker sounding instrument. “You need my love on replay” she squawks in a vocoded flat emotionless voice, almost as if I’m watching this video on Pornhub and her dead eyes are staring back at me with that infamous haunting look of desperation for attention. No moneyshot though.

Summary: It’s solid enough and a good starter for the competition. Shame no crescendo.
Final? Yes

2. MONTENEGRO: D mol – Heaven
The great thing about Eurovision is this is the only place where I can hear music that’s dreadful. What gets me here is the absolute lack of creativity in the rhythm section. It’s a squishy bounce that just cuts through the whole song, at odds with the vocals and main melody. Too many vocalists with the same voice really bland it up.

Summary: It goes nowhere and makes me feel very little (Very Little is the name of your penis).
Final? NOPE

3. FINLAND: Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman – Look Away
Hot man in a leather jacket and t-shirt combo. A verse that could be You Keep Me Hanging On by Kim Wilde but isn’t a fraction of a percentage point as good. Real issue for me is he sings it in the same range as the dirty bass line. He should be an octave up. Revolves around a stage trick of a woman drowning in a box.

Summary: LOOK AWAY
Final? NOPE

4. POLAND: Tulia – Fire Of Love (Pali się)
I’m here for this. The riff is killer on the verse. It manages to side-step being a full on folky punk song by just evolving itself into pop in a pleasing way. Again, it doesn’t really go anywhere – I could have done with a guitar solo or something – but hey, it’s still pretty great.

Summary: Favourite one so far. Different to everything else too.
Final? YES

5. SLOVENIA: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi
The song you’d put on a playlist for your ex-wife who’s in a coma and you’re trying to ensure she never wakes up again. The empty electro music you’d hear in a high-end hotel played softly over the speakers during their breakfast service.

She also doesn’t have enough face to fit on all of her features.

Summary: That pissy drum beat can fuck right off
Final? Absolutely not a chance

6. CZECH REPUBLIC: Lake Malawi – Friend Of A Friend
I hate how that is a cowbell on the song but he’s playing a different drum in the video. That said, it is upbeat and pleasant. Some would say smug and they would be right. Ticks all the boxes for pop perfection – and it seems to be about fucking a 13-year-old. In the video he even goes to jail. Hell yes.

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Summary: And the winner for Most Punchable Face goes to… THIS CUNT
Final? Oh yeah

7. HUNGARY: Joci Pápai – Az én apám
Probably the most simple one but with an honest arrangement that lifts it. No electronic drums over its organic instruments or silly modern production flourishes for no reason, and it’s all the better for that. The whistling just tops it off. It’s remarkably beautiful and I feel it hit home inside me even though I don’t know what he’s saying.

Summary: A genuine delight.
Final? Sorry pal. It’s a yes from me but a no from the audience.

8. BELARUS: ZENA – Like It
Um. This is actually No Scrubs. The chorus redeems it though, and I like how they just hammer that home by making the entire rest of the song the chorus. It doesn’t quite hit the peak for me – I would have considered overlapping vocals over the end – but meh, it’s decent enough.

Summary: ‘Is he gonna like it?’ OF COURSE NOT YOU WITCH, TAKE YOUR FINGER OFF HIS PROSTATE
Final? Clearly it will do well. Unfortunately for all involved.

9. SERBIA: Nevena Božović – Kruna
Like Hungary, it’s a stripped back one. Which is to say that Belarus being sandwiched in between them are a dead cert for the final now. This one doesn’t come close to the beauty of Hungary’s entry and the addition of the soft-rock guitar poisons it like a chemotherapy IV drip filled with dog cum.

Summary: Salty.
Final? No

10. BELGIUM: Eliot – Wake Up
Belgium always do well and this just sounds professional and competent. A building arrangement and a vocal that sounds like Bastille. My only concern is that in the video he looks like a corpse reanimated by the Night King. If he’s pish on stage it just won’t work.

Summary: A deserved winner
Final? Yep and possibly win.

11. GEORGIA: Oto Nemsadze – Keep On Going
Imagine if you could zoom into a full stop. Deep and far so it filled your entire world. Imagine the blackness and the silence. That is what this sounds like.

Summary: To be fair, the end is pretty good. Shame everyone will be asleep by then.
Final? Ha. Good one. Wait, you’re serious? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahha.

12. AUSTRALIA: Kate Miller-Heidke – Zero Gravity
Silly outfit? Silly operatic vocals? Mad as fuck staging? All check. We have a Eurovision competition now! This will do extremely well – not sure if it will win but it will come close. Also her vocals in the video I saw were live and that gives me a lot of faith that she will smash this on stage.

Summary: She is literally the fairy on a Christmas tree. How envious all the Eurovision gays must be of that.
Final? So clearly yes.

13. ICELAND: Hatari – Hatrið mun sigra
Let’s not fuck around here. This is a fucking killer of a track. The energy of it all is great. And yes, there are some sexy men in latex and bondage gear too. I love the over-production of his vocal that makes it even more rabid. The contrast between that and the softer chorus is just wonderfully done.

Summary: Fantastic. I just probably don’t want to hear their opinions on politics or women.
Final? Shakes head. I mean the head of my penis. (yes)

14. ESTONIA: Victor Crone – Storm

<screams>

Avicii has been resurrected.

<screams for all eternity>

Summary: Is he saying “the same bad sound”? Only good bit if so.
Final? Please no.

15. PORTUGAL: Conan Osiris – Telemóveis
Oh God. Portugal entries are always SO BAD. I hate them so much. Appreciate you all loved that awful one two years back but you are wrong. This sounds like when your school took you on a trip to some New Age music place and the smelly hippy running it made you all bash shit ethnic instruments together and then nodded appreciatively at the chaos while stroking his unwashed beard. COLON OH-SORE-ARSE.

Summary: At this point I am a-OK with dropping a nuke on Portugal just to wipe out their music forever. Finally me and Israel are on the same page when it comes to dealing with your enemies.
Final: Please god no.

16. GREECE: Katerine Duska – Better Love
That big sounding Florence and the Machine pumping heart that you’ve been secretly waiting for. It’s an odd video so expect the staging to be fun. I found it warming and a strong contender against the others.

Summary: Wonderful stuff.
Final: YES

17. SAN MARINO: Serhat – Say Na Na Na
I’m not going to listen to San Marino this year. The title says not to.

Summary: Say na na na to listening to San Marino
Final: Do they ever get to the final?! Also Serhat looks like he argues with women about the Me Too movement online.

SEMI-FINAL TWO

1. ARMENIA: Srbuk – Walking Out
We start very strong in semi-final two. This is a clear chart topper outside of Eurovision and, while not quite as catchy as it could be, it’s strong enough to get into the final.

Summary: Acupuncture my colon, Batman. I love it.
Final: Yes.

2. IRELAND: Sarah McTernan – 22
Impressive. Impressively bad. Too much depends on her vocal and it’s all a bit samey. It’s underproduced and one note, like playing the panpipes with your butt cheeks. I will put money on this not making the final.

Summary: ‘Which one was this again?’, you’ll say at the end of the show.
Final: Money says it does not.

3. MOLDOVA: Anna Odobescu – Stay
Sometimes the boldest thing you can do is enter a boring ballad into Eurovision. It’s like being the last one to get a go in a gangbang: you’d need to be really special to be remembered. And this one has a two-inch dick and erectile issues.

Summary: Don’t stay.
Final: No.

4. SWITZERLAND: Luca Hänni – She Got Me
Manages to avoid the pitfall I was expecting it and sounds a lot of fun. Can imagine this one getting people on their feet at a club too. I like how it continues to build the chorus successfully each time which makes it more satisfying to listen to. Considering they have all the Jewish gold it would be nice if they won the trophy in Israel.

Summary: Getting rowdy!
Final: Yeppers.

5. LATVIA: Carousel – That Night
Sounds like the soundtrack to a Netflix original or Paul Thomas Anderson film. A country twinge runs through it while carefully avoiding any opportunity to be an enjoyable experience to listen to.

Summary: Hideous and twee, like a ukulele player being tipped head first into a meat grinder.
Final: Not remotely possible.

6. ROMANIA: Ester Peony – On A Sunday
A song that is more focused on the video storytelling than the song itself is never a good sign. It’s too subtle, concentrating on weird sound FX rather than enhancing what’s there. Underneath the goth glam is a basic, unlovable mistake of a song that will die on stage like Ian Cognito. On the positive side, at least the audience will notice.

Summary: It’s rubbish.
Final: No

7. DENMARK: Leonora – Love Is Forever
Her stare is legit terrifying. You can’t trust someone who looks at you that way. The way she says “love is forever” really should scare you. In her basement are around forty men in cages, all chained to each other, that she milks on a weekly basis so she can bathe in their “love”.

Summary: So salty.
Final: Yes because God is dead.

8. SWEDEN: John Lundvik – Too Late For Love
Considering he is performing under a giant sunbed that can’t be good for his skin. It’s a standard electro pop banger from Sweden much like their last couple of entries. I’m a sucker for them so immediately biased. Is it as strong as previous years? Not at all, but I am a large fan of the amount of “WOO”s he does in this. It should win for that reason alone.

Summary: Woo!
Final: Yes and top 10

9. AUSTRIA: PÆNDA – Limits
Death by 1000 cuts. This takes a full minute to even really start. I’d call it underwhelming if I could be bothered to say that many syllables. Sounds like when you’re mixing a song you’ve recorded and for a laugh you turn off most of the layers and think “so this is what it sounds like if I remove all the good bits”.

Summary: she has a tattoo on her shoulder of three stars. That’s basically a review of her life. Out of ten.
Final: Nope nope nope.

10. CROATIA: Roko – The Dream
On the face of it this is a dreadful heap of pig sputum but we must go deeper. This is a Good vs Evil song and that kind of message could land well in Israel. “You dream of love. Angels of God”. It doesn’t mention mass slaughter of people though so that’s a downside.

Summary: Embarrassing and mostly pathetic.
Final: If this gets through I think it will win. I just am not sure it will get through.

11. MALTA: Michela – Chameleon
Scrap what I just wrote. Croatia will get forgotten for this. Malta have really brought it again this year. This is hugely listenable, modern sounding, and does all it can to be a contender.

Summary: Last year it was Netta with those golden cats. I hope this year it’s Michela with chameleons!
Final: A hundred times yes.

12. LITHUANIA: Jurij Veklenko – Run With The Lions
A nice little plinky plonk song which is let down by poor staging. While the chorus is strong his vocals sound wobbly and unsure to me. Won’t take much for this to be the disaster I crave.

Summary: There is absolutely no place in Eurovision for silly high pitched vocals on the verse. Immediately disqualified.
Final: Yes

13. RUSSIA: Sergey Lazarev – Scream
Lovely video. Song is a heap of shit. Fails to arouse any emotion, not least due to the poor English lyrics and one-note chorus. Leaves a bitter taste of wallpaper paste in the mouth.

Summary: I scream
Final: Yes because everyone is terrible.

14. ALBANIA: Jonida Maliqi – Ktheju tokës
Either I am getting tired or the songs in this semi-final are getting progressively worse. This is absolute nonsense that fails to come to life. Long held notes over a familiar arrangement. I’m sure I could go re-listen to failed songs from the last ten years of Eurovision and a song that sounded like this would be there.

Summary: Albania can go fuck themselves
Final: Shit no.

15. NORWAY: KEiiNO – Spirit In The Sky
Sorry, you can’t call a song Spirit In The Sky. That title is taken by one of the best songs ever. Why not go all the way and call it Baby One More Time or Smooth Criminal?

Anyway, this is pretty much a meme video like What Does The Fox Say?, only without the stronger melodies that set that apart. It fails to commit to either silly or serious, and hence doesn’t get to where it needs to be. The middle with the daft low verse should absolutely slay but I just end up thinking of the bald guy from Aqua.

Summary: Decent enough. It just isn’t a contender.
Final? Yes

16. NETHERLANDS: Duncan Lawrence – Arcade
Netherlands have sucked in Eurovision for a while now. Maybe the last 100 years. Luckily this is not Waylon from last year. Instead it’s a song devoid of passion or any real joy. I can feel my arteries hardening listening to this. Like the way Rutger Hauer’s replicant starts to slow down in Blade Runner, I need to do something violent to myself in order to stay alive. Excuse me while I sand down my nipples.

Summary: Music that played in the elevator of the Twin Towers.
Final? Everyone is worthless. Hope is lost. This is the bookies’ favourite. Kill us all.

17. NORTH MACEDONIA: Tamara Todevska – Proud
Kinda cool that they are North Macedonia now. Upset the UK is not listed as the Un-United Kingdom. Proud is an echo of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful except so splutteringly devoid of worth I feel my life has lost 2% of its meaning just from being subjected to it. A betrayal to anyone on this Earth who is still alive and a curse on those who can feel emotion.

Summary: Three minutes that last forever, like that time you filled a toilet roll tube up with broken glass and fucked it.
Final? No

18. AZERBAIJAN: Chingiz – Truth
I like Azerbaijan. They’ve entered loads of good stuff over the years.

The side chain on the verse is absolutely superb, getting me to nod my head like a fucking spazz. Then the chorus comes out of nowhere and is an absolute killer. I like it when the chorus is not only catchy but also something you can say to work colleagues when they ask if you’ve done that report you promised. “Shut up about it!”

Summary: I hope a Muslim country wins
Final: Top 5

THE FINALISTS

Oh my god there are more of them? By now I kinda feel like the girl at the end of a bukkake video. It’s getting a bit tiresome now and all tastes the same. I’m really just waiting on that one guy who smokes weed or eats asparagus to turn up just to change it up a bit. Please. Let one of these next songs be that guy.

FRANCE: Bilal Hassani – Roi
Pretty much a boring ballad like North Macedonia but fuck the song, it’s about Bilal Hassani who is doing the Conchita drag thing. Except without the talent. I mean honestly it’s fucking dreadful and we shouldn’t give him a pass because of it. While it’s kinda fun sending an Arab in a wig over to Israel, the fact remains: Dana International he is not. Also why does he have He-Man’s haircut?

Summary: He’s so small his Eurovision-week Airbnb is probably the cannon barrel of a 155mm Israeli howitzer.

GERMANY: S!sters – Sister
A duet that goes nowhere, symbolised by them revolving around on a stage where every direction leads them back to the beginning.

Summary: Torture.

ISRAEL: Kobi Marimi – Home
What is it about all these fucking automatic finalists entering absolute fucking boring pish? This reminds me, in parts, of the Up There song by Satan on the South Park Movie soundtrack. Except for, you know, not being as good or valuable.

Untitled-1

Satan with his new lover.

Summary: To be clear I am not comparing Israel to Satan. I am comparing Netanyahu to Satan because they are, in fact, the same person.

ITALY: Mahmood – Soldi
A much better entry from Italy. Can’t say I totally get it, and the staging of this could kill it since he appears to have the charisma of a used sanitary towel in the video. The grime influences that bleed through in the second verse really make it sparkle. Think this one will grow on me and I like it.

Summary: The best of the finalists for sure.

SPAIN: Miki – La venda
Is it too much to ask for a singer from Spain who combs his hair? Well, like his hair, this one is a fucking mess. It’s like one of those Balkan-influenced gypsy punk ones that were all the rage a few years ago. Except they’ve smoothed the production and sanded the edges off it. I don’t think I could listen to this one again. It will come last. I will put £10 on it.

Summary: Much like Portugal, Spain are a plague on music in general. They should be stopped at all costs.

UNITED KINGDOM: Michael Rice – Bigger Than Us
This one is actually pretty good. Compared to the rest of the dross I just heard from the finalists (bar Italy) this one is pretty strong. Does that matter though? We are on a hiding to nothing. No chance. No friends. Alone. And all our own fault.

Summary: 15 points tops for the entire night I reckon.

BUMMARY

Only a handful of good stuff this year. Definitely sifting for diamonds trying to find much of worth here. It’s also possible that some of the best songs will get kicked out in the semi and we’ll be left with the worst final since whichever one your favourite is.

My personal top 8 in no order:

Azerbaijan
Iceland
Belgium
Greece
Switzerland
Hungary
Malta
Italy

Lisbon: Eurovision 2018 – The Reviews

12 May

This is my eighth or ninth year of blogging about Eurovision. That makes both of us a) old and b) a waste of life. I have to say that I’m a fan of more than a fair share of songs this year and the way the running order has fallen may well mean a complete outsider wins. A lot of the favourites are all clumped together at the end meaning that the weirdness of Israel may get nullified in the surrounding chaos.

I’ve revisited my semi final reviews as now I have seen the performances and the songs have had a chance to grow on me.

Here’s a run down you absolute spunktrumpet:

1. UKRAINE: Mélovin – Under The Ladder
It is a shame this is on first because it’s one of the best in the competition and now it has no chance of winning. I’ve got a cheeky each way at 101-1 but doubt it’ll even make it to fourth. You need to realise just how bad some of the songs are in Eurovison this year for this one to have a true impact. Oh well, it has a great pre chorus and a chorus? The song is really spoiling us! Even the verse held my attention too. Vocals could be a bit ropey but a piano and a staircase on fire is the kind of gimmick I can celebrate.

latvia

Melovin also played Gob in Arrested Development. He is also a magician.

Rating: ***** Under The Iron Curtain

2. SPAIN: Amaia & Alfred – Tu canción
A duet by stroke victims. Sloppy ooze like the final spurts of a severed penis. This is the exact sort of snot that Portugal won with and I pray to my god Satan that this finishes with nul points. And their plane home crashes.
Rating: EXPLOSIONS

3. SLOVENIA: Lea Sirk – Hvala, ne!
Ah, pink hair means despair and the dancers have hot pants so that’s something. It’s quite a subtle chorus based on a single hook. The Portugal win seems to have opened the door to boring, laid-back choruses. It’s like someone gave Eurovision a terminal disease. I do find this more interesting the more I hear it but being third basically kills its chances. Like marrying your partner from high school – it’s fucking doomed.
Rating: ***

4. LITHUANIA: Ieva Zasimauskaitė – When We’re Old
When We’re Old? Older than this ballad you mean? Christ, this is as slow as chemotherapy and more poisonous. The only joy to be found here is hearing her sing the word “old” in a way that sounds like the language is being strangled. Ironically, this hasn’t got better with age and for me this is the worst song in the competition bar Norway. It will probably win.

Death pathway

They should be called Lith-euthanasia.

Rating: * When we’re Ouoooooooooouuuuuulld

5. AUSTRIA: Cesár Sampson – Nobody But You
A real surprise this one. I absolutely loved him in the semi final. He runs around the stage, the chorus is kicking, he commands the whole performance. Being on in the first half is a problem but after that scrotal polyp from Lithuania you never know.
Rating: ***

6. ESTONIA: Elina Nechayeva – La forza
Awesome. This is the first operatic one and I am enthralled. You know, I’m listening to this on the bus as the sun streams down on the only day of summer in Scotland. I am really feeling it. Takes a minute or so to get into gear – like that song in the Fifth Element. This is very lovely and finally not in English so who knows what she’s wailing about. This could be about bumming Scooby Doo for all I care.
Rating: *****

7. NORWAY: Alexander Rybak – That’s How You Write A Song
This makes me want to hurt somebody. A crowd pleasing faux-disco disease. This is the kind of song that would ooze out of the infected anal tract of one of those [Insert Country Here]’s Got Talent shows. On the flip side, it’s very catchy and has a fun violin and melody. While my hateful black heart may be immediately triggered by the “boogie woogie woogie” section, many of the rest of you will eat it up with your Sugar Puffs. For me, too smug and condescending. For you, pure joy. Tomato tomayto.
Rating: * FUCK NORWAY

8. POOTUGAL: Cláudia Pascoal feat. Isaura – O jardim
I would rather eat a horse’s jizzing cock than hear anymore of this. The splurge of thick salty discharge would solidify into a jelly in my warm throat and clog up my nose and ears, dribbling out of all orifices. If this wins I will join ISIS.
Rating: DEATH TO THE WEST

9. UGAY: SuRie – Storm
Slow piano then shanty-pop synth chorus. Not particularly entertaining and even more tiresome after hearing it a few times. I wish the chorus really elevated near the end, maybe a solo or crazy synth to give it a boost. The arrangement otherwise is nice, delivering multiple choruses so it gets stuck in your head, and I like SuRie too.
Rating: *** Are you still reading this? Jeremy Corbyn is a cunt.

10. SERBIA: Sanja Ilić & Balkanika – Nova deca
The opening is hopeless with Dr Who’s reanimated corpse on flute. Then it gets better in the verse. The drums pick up and a hint of 90s synth threatens. Once again there is no chorus. I like the nananana moments but it’s not exactly a strong one. Incredibly this got into the final and is a walking dead entry that’s easy to piss on. There’s more chance of you being put in a death camp for your Facebook posts once far-right parties seize control of our countries than this doing well.
Rating: * Pretty sure if there were any children in the audience that flute guy would captivate them and lead them back to his hotel room.

11. SPERMANY: Michael Schulte – You Let Me Walk Alone
Basically that ginger-pubed rascal Ed Sheeran except dressed up like Chad Kroeger from Metallica or whatever gayrock band he’s in. After Serbia it may actually have some cut-through. Really though it’s just a pop song stuck in a time that music and style forgot. You know, like all German music.
Rating: * Terminal flatulence

12. ALBANIA: Eugent Bushpepa – Mall
Albania don’t care about winning Eurovision this year. Or at least the fans who voted for it in the televote didn’t care about winning Eurovision. I respect that. They chose a song that they liked. It’s pleasant enough with some lovely vocals but it’s more of an album track than a single, if I can use that analogy. It’s finished and I can’t remember it now.
Rating: *** Never put pepper in the bush

13. SMELLY FRANCE: Madame Monsieur – Mercy
Having failed French at school I’m not sure what she’s on about but it sounds like the chorus is “My name is thank you”. Maybe she means Mercy rather than the translation. Nope, no idea either. I love the spirit of this if that’s a thing. I like the coconut plinks throughout, the sad wah-wah after she says “mercy” is kinda hilarious, and I absolute adore the final third with the “mercy mercy” refrain. It’s France so it’s absolute cobblers and thoroughly French but goddamn them, I like it.
Rating: ***** The first time I’ve ever liked a French entry ever. Kill me.

14. CZECH REPUBLIC: Mikolas Josef – Lie To Me

czech

Mikolas at the alt-right rally in Charlottesville

I am fucking living for those horns, queen. While still a few years away from sounding truly modern, it manages to blend that cliché sound from Eurovision with a Justin Timberlake vocal. It’s a slightly whitewashed Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo but, importantly, I just like Lie To Me more.
Rating: ***** Yeah, yeah I want to punch him too but then maybe sleep with him

15. DENMARK: Rasmussen – Higher Ground
Dark synth with tribal drums? I am down for this. The performance I am watching is entirely in blue with a wind machine. It does not help the song. Away from that, just listening on its own, I kinda like it.
Rating: *** Mid table and impactless – which is also what St Peter will say to you after your death

16. AUSTRALIA: Jessica Mauboy – We Got Love

aus.jpg

Jessica Mauboy (pictured here in Australia)

I was wrong. This is not a void. Her semi final vocal really lit this up and the song hit me. Whether or not she can do it again is another matter, but I no longer think this is as worthless as a Donald Trump policy.
Rating: ****

17. FINLAND: Saara Aalto – Monsters
One note vocals with backing dancers dressed in high fashion Ghostbusters bondage gear. Folk are calling this a ‘banger’ but the only time I’d use that term is if I was referring to Saara as a used car. There just isn’t enough here. The shanty arpeggiator synth and simple beats need something else to pack a punch. It needs another instrument to bring it all together. Being wrong is awesome has never felt so right. Finland are going home with nothing.
Rating: * Dreadful

18. BULGARIA: Equinox – Bones
Noughties electric soul. A slow burn where the climax is just a more layered version of the chorus. This doesn’t make me feel anything but they have brightened it up on stage. She certainly looks like she has watched too many episodes of the Mighty Boosh.
Rating: ** Bland

19. MOLDOVA: DoReDos – My Lucky Day
Their new stage show makes this one work so much better. It looks like a 70s gameshow with each of them dressed in bold colours. The song is a nice slice of honkstep. Moldova are carving themselves out as a fun little country through Eurovision. Last year’s 3rd place with Hey Mamma and that awesome guy on sax was a true standout and should have won over the cancerous Portugal entry.  This year it’s not quite as good but just as good-natured and fun. The bastards.
Rating: *** Thanks for the horns but it’s no Hey Mamma

20. SWEDEN: Benjamin Ingrosso – Dance You Off
Oh finally. A goddamn song. Lovely performance. Funk bass, thoughtful arrangement. Just needs a stronger chorus. It’s lovely but meaningless. Luckily the stageshow and lighting elevates it to more than it should be – in the same way plastic surgery keeps Cher’s face together.
Rating: **** 

21. HUNGARY: AWS – Viszlát nyár
Dial-in rock cliches. Reminds me of the Backstreet Boys doing metal. Or PJ and Duncan (RIP). The vocals sound strained when he’s singing the first bit but it’s kinda funny when he just fucks it out the window and just screeches for the rest of the song. If you take a step back from the amusement of this being in Eurovision and compare it with some metal songs you actually like, I think you’ll find that this is an absolute embarrassment. That said, I hope the guitars are so loud everyone bleeds.
Rating: ****

22. ISRAEL: Netta – Toy
Ah. Okay then. It’s Beanie Man, Björk, La Roux and Jessie J wrapped into one. Oh, and a fucking chicken. Words can’t really do this justice. It’s kinda hilarious but after Hungary, and some of the other favourites, I wonder if this will have less impact. Still would risk an each-way bet on it. As you know, if you don’t like Israel you are as Anti-Semitic as the Labour party.

Netta

Netta outside of the competition

Rating: * or *****

23. NETHERLANDS: Waylon – Outlaw In ‘Em
So the staging of this is problematic. Aside from seemingly being an entry by a pro-gun far-right party, the sight of a white man standing head and shoulders above his black colleagues was not a good idea. This is what I see:

Waylon-Eurovision

Waylon – as seen by non-racist people

Rating: ** [Whispers:] It’s about being bummed by Geert Wilders

24. IRELAND: Ryan O’Shaughnessy – Together
A rather delicate love song which if there is enough goodwill left in the room by song 24 should see it sail gently into everyone’s hearts. I think it’s really touching and as homophobic China cut this one out of their broadcast I like it even more. It’s weird China have a problem with gays when they manufacture all our butt plugs, eh?
Rating: **** FUCK CHINA & CAPITALISM

25. CYPRUS: Eleni Foureira – Fuego
Dripping with sex this one. Her eyebrows are on point too. It’s impressive that it sounds like it could have come off a mainstream radio station and if it slipped into my Spotify playlist I’d not think anything was wrong. I wouldn’t be like “who the fuck put this shit Eurovision song on my goddamn playlist” like I would with a chunk of the others here. This is one of the best songs and a glorious mix of Beyonce and Shakira. Obviously it’s overly sexualised and in some ways exploiting the male gaze in order to win but, hey, you do you girl.
Rating: ***** Saved me three minutes on Pornhub.

26. ITALY: Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro – Non mi avete fatto niente

Italy.jpg

Ermal Meta and Fabrizio Moro perform for Italy

TERRORIST KLAXON! Lyrically it’s as earnest as the Manic Street Preachers but probably a little better. I’m slightly uneasy about referencing all the terrorist attacks but including Cairo makes it less Western-centric. Iceland got a good kicking for entering a “heal the world” song so I’m in two minds about how this will play out. Because it’s last it will either be ignored or absolutely storm the competition.
Rating: ***

SUMMARY

If you’ve now finished Eurovision you are probably bleeding from several unintended places and in a pit of despair. To soothe you through it, now you have to sit through the voting. I recommend you do a shot of cyanide for every point Lithuania score.

7 what I fink should win
Cyprus
Ukraine
Czech Republic
Estonia
Austria
Ireland
France (!)

7 what I fink will win because fuck me
Lithuania
Norway
Italy
Finland
Germany
Portugal
Spain

Eurovision – Stockholm, Sweden 2016

30 Apr

eurovision-2016-logo

Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.

2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.

The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.

So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!

I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!

SEMI-FINAL 1

1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away

A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.

Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO

Verdict: JOYOUS
Final: Yes

2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land

After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.

Verdict: Argos homo delivery
Final: No

3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars

Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.

Verdict: Mol-NO-va
Final: No

4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Final: Yes

5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final

6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Final: Yes

7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Final: Yes

8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know

Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.

Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
Final: No

9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Splurge.

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.

11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win

12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Final: No

13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play

Another
Boring
Ballad
By
Some
Daft
Cunt
Who
Doesn’t
Matter

That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.

Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
Final: No

14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win

15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing

Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.

Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again

16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling

A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.

Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win

17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je

Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?

No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.

Verdict: Snooze
Final: No

18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Final: Yes

SEMI-FINAL 2

It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.

1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Final: Yes

2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Final: Yes

3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind

Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.

Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.

4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.

5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly

What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.

That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.

Verdict: JUST DULL
Final: No

6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Final: No

7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.

Disgusting and wrong.

Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
Final: Yes

8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona

A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.

Verdict: Dona kebab
Final: No

9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Final: Yes

10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Final: Yes

11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red

A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.

Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
Final: Yes

12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence

Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.

Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..

Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest

13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Final: No

14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love

Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.

Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
Final: Yes

15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: No

16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker

About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.

I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.

Verdict: No-Way
Final: No

17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
Final: Yes

18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.

Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
Final: Yes

19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.

Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
Final: Yes

SOME OTHER CUNTS

All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.

FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes

GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict:
Top 5: No

ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No

SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No

UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.

Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes

Summary

A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:

My Faves

ICELAND
FRANCE
FINLAND
AZERBAIJAN
UNITED KINGDOM

Outsiders

LITHUANIA
HUNGARY
CYPRUS
GEORGIA
BELGIUM

Worst songs that will probably win

RUSSIA
CROATIA
SWEDEN

Eurovision 2016: The UK Entries

22 Feb

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I am sick with fever so what better punishment to inflict on my body than to listen to all the UK entries into Eurovision 2016? That’ll teach my body to stop being so useless and weak.

As we have allowed the infested colon of the music industry to pick our songs for the last couple of years I notice we have lost heavily. Therefore they have decided to let the infested colon of the British public pick the next song instead. Don’t know why they don’t just stick ’em on Spotify and whichever one streams the most, pick that?

To make it more fun for myself I have also considered each song from a political perspective and how it could be perceived by the rest of Europe. Anyway, here are my thoughts on this years crop of forget-me-nows:

Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Starts off a bit ghost town. Vocals are very so-so – nice and strong but her voice itself hasn’t enough charisma or character to be a winner. Sure, chorus is grandiose nonsense but the verse is just unbearable beige from Planet Emptiness. Sounds like something that Katrina and the Waves would have entered 20 years ago and really has no place here.

Political Reaction
As we sit on our pillars of gold iPhones, slamming the gates in the faces of migrants, the key message Europe needs to hear from us right now is “shine a little light on me”. As per usual with millennial songs it’s selfish and vile.

Karl William Lund – Miracle
Sounds like it was written on a Fisher-Price My First Little Piano. Quite naff kick drum driving the song along. As expected the chorus is nice, a little bit Hurts, but the lyrics are confusing and emotionally detached.

The end is a real let-down – no bombastic double run of the chorus like you’d expect or hope for here. Not a contender in any way.

Political Reaction
He’s ginger so clearly the worst type of British monster. We’d be invaded for sending this.

Matthew James – A Better Man
Smooth fucking vocals on this bad boy. Cheesy space fx too. Little kick of drum and bass before the chorus is a nice touch. Never gets spectacular with quite a downplayed chorus that I really rather appreciate after the two earlier turds.

Political Reaction
This could go some way towards making amends for our European missteps. Sure, it doesn’t say “sorry we bombed Syria, invaded Iraq for no reason, think we’re important when our country is a gobby stinkhole” or any of the other things any sane person from the UK would say if forced to justify political decisions our country has made, but it at least it says we’re trying to be better.

Darline – Until Tomorrow
Urgh. Country-infused-pop. The worst genre of all time. Bar nothing. Sampling a man being castrated by ISIS and then putting it through a vocoder would be more pleasant on the ear than mothercunting country-infused-pop.  That banjo is so hideous it wilts the foundation of the human spirit. The twee nothingness of the vocals creates a black hole of words that combine into a vortex of emptiness. Staggeringly bleak, like seeing the pale faces of your children stare at you through the back windshield, pounding on the glass, as you stand ashore watching the car sink into the ocean.

Political Reaction
It kinda sums up the UK’s ego quite well. Desperately being helped to our feet by wealthier nations and then when we think we’re okay again pretending we don’t need anyone.

Dulcima – When You Go
While I really wanted to just say “First syllable: DULL” I can’t. I like this one. It reminds me of The Wonderstuff bizarrely. I don’t think this has any chance to win over the type of people who’ll be voting in the UK, but I think it would have a lot more of a chance in Eurovision than any of the other ones so far in the final. I adore both vocals even if the lyrics are a little bit simple. It’s the only one I’ve listened to twice.

Political Reaction
Lyrics like “It was you and me at the start”, “Don’t make this difficult” and “Meet you in the dark” feel like they’re nearly an apology and may go some way to repairing our broken image in Europe so that could work.

Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Um. This is autotuned to fuck. How are these vacuous haircut Thunderbird puppets gonna win when they have to perform live? The song has a great arrangement though – that high guitar drowned in reverb is lush. I CANNOT believe they use “oh oh oh” to finish some of their rhymes: lazy Songwriting 101 lessons for you two.

I think it’s likely this is the one to beat. I don’t like it as much and it has no chance at all to win Eurovision, but based on what poses for talent according to the flaccid corpse of the UKs music scene I’d expect us to enter this one.

Political Reaction
Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.

Final standings then
Dulcima – When You Go
Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Matthew James – A Better Man
Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Karl William Lund – Miracle

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you back here when I do my annual review of all the other Eurovision songs as my small way of bringing misery to the only thing you love.

Eurovision Vienna: 2015 – A run down of the finalistzzzz

22 May

Vienna2015_logo

Okay! So now the semi’s are over – and let’s face it we’ve all lost our semis after the flaccid wrecks of music that made it through – I thought I would post an update on my final thoughts before the final.

Here are my ignorant, childish and tongue-in-cheek comments about all this year’s rubbish. Please note: my verdicts are based on where I think the song will end up rather than where I want it to end up (Which would be on fire).

1. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You

Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, why is she wearing headphones? Her voice is annoying. She is annoying. That guy on the piano is annoying. Why are they miming playing a violin? Urgh.

Feels like they slowed it down and it’s just a beat or two off the pace it needs to be. Shame.

Verdict: Beats By Drivel

2. FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas

Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.

Verdict: Bottom 10

3. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.

On a lighter note, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.

Verdict: Top 10

4. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.

Verdict: Ignore what I just wrote. I love this one. Top 5.

5. UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You

HEY EUROPE! WE STILL THINK WE’RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE MASTERS! OH YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, EH? HAVE A BIT OF GEORGE OSBORNE’S SHRIVELED BALLSAC TO CHEW ON WHILE WE RAPE YOUR EARS OUT.

Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.

Also, this is the Bird’s Eye potato waffles theme.

Verdict. I‘m still not in love with you. More boos than Russia. Last.

6. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow

First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was the arrangement written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.

Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?

I have since learned that this song is about the genocide of Armenian people 100 years ago. Which is ironic as the song itself is also a war crime.

Verdict: Bottom 10

7. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time

‘I’m feeling hate. I want blood.’ Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.

Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.

Verdict: Bottom 5

8. SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.

And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty.

In retrospect, this one is pretty great. The fun they’re having is as infectious as a sexually transmitted disease and I can only celebrate that.

Verdict: Top 10

9. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.

Verdict: Bottom 5

10. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes

Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.

I do like their Lego too.

Verdict: Top 5 / Win

11. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done

No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”

Seriously, they’ve put this after Sweden? HAHAHA. This will come last. It’s the dullest most boring ballad of all time. He makes three minutes feel like twenty – which is only impressive if you’re fucking someone.

Verdict: Last

12. AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again

And then Australia after Cyprus? They really are the filling of a shit sandwich.

Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine if you hadn’t just elected Tony Abbott – the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master. After seeing him spout his anti-gay, anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Now’s the time to fight, not time to party.

Once again, on a lighter note, the song is very nice indeed. Has grown on me a lot and is my pick to win as everyone will give them points I reckon.

Verdict: Top 5

13. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside

Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up.

I like this one but no one else seems too. After Australia I think it’s in trouble in the final.

Oh, just seen the video now, and seen that ‘she’ is a ‘he’. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.

Verdict: Bottom 10

14. AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours

Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.

I wrote the above sentence on hearing the mp3 only. After seeing the performance there’s possibly something about this one – much like Netherlands last year. It sticks out against the others and just that difference could give it some impact. Also, host country always gets goodwill gesture points.

Verdict: Top 5

15. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath

Sneering snort of laughter.

Oh fuck off.

I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.

Verdict: On lifesupport.

16. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio

After being punished aurally by the last song and bludgeoned with its dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.

Verdict: Middle of nowhere

17. GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke

Germany singing about black smoke, eh? No extra comment required.

Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.

Verdict: Circling the drain.

18. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love

A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.

Verdict: Bottom 10.

19. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected

Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.

Verdict: Top 10.

20. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)

Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.

Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.

Verdict: Top 10

21. SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer

Fucking hell. This is the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. Would never have qualified if not for automatic entry.

Yes, I concur, she is very pretty but on the flipside she’s going out with Man United’s keeper. This song? It’s not a keeper.

Verdict: MIddle

22. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing

FART SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH

Verdict: Bottom 10

23. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior

Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to follow that bum trumpet from Hungary. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.

Hot girls in crazy costumes and skintight pvc is always going to get votes. Now excuse me a moment while I go fill up a bathtub with jizz.

Verdict: Top 10

24. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf

BACK TO REALITY THEN.

Less than 1% good. Dialled-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.

Verdict: West Brom.

25. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices

Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace.

It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.

On the song side- it’s great. Like really, really good. I think she’d make a great mail-order bride.

Verdict: Top 5

26. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive

Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.

Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.

Verdict: Bottom 5

27. ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore

Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.

Verdict: 56k modem dial up.

OVERALL BUMMARY

Everyone should be killed.

Eurovision Song Contest – Vienna 2015

11 Apr

Vienna2015_logo

What up Europhiles (and those in Australia and Israel). How’s it going you gigantic bunch of unflushable turds? When I first started writing these many years ago I never thought I’d still be doing it or that more people than ever would be reading them. So with that said let’s turn on the stereo and listen to what awfulness Eurovision 2015 has to offer. As always I will be listening to them in Semi Final 1 and 2 order.

Deep breath. Here we go…

SEMI-FINAL 1

1. MOLDOVA – Eduard Romanyuta – I Want Your Love

So far, so 90s. It’s very honky. WAH WAH WAH WAH like all the fucking time. A whole song built on “-er” rhymes – except the one that counts: “wank-er”. Chorus is not bad but that incessant beat that goes through the verse and chorus stops it ever actually peaking. All the choruses are the same too – no change in what it does.

Looking at the name I cannot believe that was a man singing though – mind you, when I see the name Eduard all I can think of is that willy woofter from Twilight.

Qualify

2. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow

First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was this written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.

Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?

Not qualify

3. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside

Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up. Certainly the best out of the first three.

Oh, sorry, I’ve been told she is a he. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.

Not qualify

4. NETHERLANDS – Trijntje Oosterhuis – Walk Along

Of course you’ll like this one. You’re an idiot. You still listen to Left of the Middle by Natalie Imbruglia. You know how I know you’re definitely an idiot? You’re reading a blog on Eurovision.

Qualify

5. FINLAND – Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivat – Aina mun pitää

Imagine if you gave a hungry tramp an electric guitar and a bottle of White Lightning cider and promised him a million pounds in cash if he wrote and performed a song for you right now – this is the song he would sing.

Then you would hose him down with piss.

Qualify

6. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath

Sneering snort of laughter.

Oh fuck off.

I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.

Qualify

7. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.

Not qualify

8. MACEDONIA – Daniel Kajmakoski – Autumn Leaves

Speaking of TV shows, this is the montage music from a finale scene in House MD. The chorus begins to peel away that schmaltz though and I enjoy the way it’s ever morphing into something else. I won’t say it builds as I don’t think it does, it’s just very playful with its arrangement. Yeah, you know what, this one is good, maybe great. Not a winner for sure, but a solid song with some nice beats thrown in.

Wild card. This is the best one so far.

Qualify

9.; SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.

And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty in what is a blatant attempt to bring a moment of joy to a nation of dead eyed child killers.

Not qualify

10. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing

FART SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH

Not qualify

11. BELARUS – Uzari & Maimuna – Time

Standard Eurovision here. Deep house beginnings and wonderfully uptempo. You know the chorus is coming from a mile off but as it keeps changing I found it pretty enjoyable. Loved the violin in the break too. Could be massive based on what I’ve heard so far – probably the only one that has a great drive to it.

Qualify

12. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices

Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace. It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.

Qualify

13. DENMARK – Anti Social Media – The Way You Are

Ah, it’s Scouting for Retards again! Seriously, is this a thing now? That happy clappy everything is fine Dodgy sound from 1990. Is that coming back now? I hope the video is them dancing in an immigration detention camp and showing pictures of them poking holes in paper cut out cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad with their nobs.

Qualify

14. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive

Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.

Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.

Not qualify

15. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)

Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.

Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.

Qualify

16. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior

Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to be last and reckon that’ll help it qualify. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.

Tip: don’t write a song called Warrior when Ke$ha has an album called that and it’s better than anything you could even consider writing.

Qualify

SEMI-FINAL 2

1. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time

I’m feeling hate. I want blood. Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.

Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.

Not qualify

2. IRELAND – Molly Sterling – Playing With Numbers

“They tied my arms but I cut through.” So this one is about being kidnapped by the IRA and celebrates the Stockholm syndrome that had developed between her and Gerry Adams.

This is so ineffectual it’s an Ed Miliband speech. Remember, I mentioned him before? He’s a cunt.

Qualify

3. SAN MARINO – Michele Perniola & Anita Simoncini – Chain Of Lights

It’s just a heal the world song that has the opposite effect – mostly by promoting the mass execution of everyone in San Marino. And let’s face it, if you can’t get peace right in a country as small as San Marino with its population of 6 people then I think it’s fair to say the world is fucked.

Lyrically and musically it’s as exhausting and horrendous as trying to clean your butt when tapeworm are poking through your anal muscles and each wipe sends echoes of pain throughout your body and makes you want to die.

Not qualify

4. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio

After being punished aurally by the last 2 songs and bludgeoned with dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.

Qualify

5. MALTA – Amber – Warrior

What, hang on, another one called Warrior. Is this the Ultimate Warrior?

Yes it is. Because it’s FUCKING DEAD.

Qualify

6. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.

Qualify

7. PORTUGAL – Leonor Andrade – Há um mar que nos separa

Interesting at last. Thank Satan. There’s a rough cut of a dirty electro song with some ill-placed vocals but then the chorus is just a dialed-in Coldplay middle-of-the-road-but-with-several-doggy-plops-alongside-it. Oh, it appears that Coldgay-plop-plop is probably what the band wanted and that slightly edgier verse is thanks to a producer I imagine. Rest of the song stays in snooze mode. Couldn’t even be bothered to finish the song and all the band leave as she says the final line. Assume they went on a siesta.

Not qualify

8. CZECH REPUBLIC – Marta Jandová & Václav Noid Bárta – Hope Never Dies

Like the Green Party – shows some potential early on but concentrates its efforts on what it’s saying and not how it’s saying it so no one cares.

Not qualify

9. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.

(Obviously, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.)

Qualify

10. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected

Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.

Not qualify.

11. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf

BACK TO REALITY THEN.

Less than 1% good. Dialed-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.

Qualify

12. ICELAND – María Ólafs – Unbroken

Definitely an improvement. Nicely produced vocals and a smooth arrangement including some solid beats that give this a bit more sparkle.

Noticing a lot of dark/light/shadow metaphors. Let’s be fair Iceland if you want to move into the light I’d suggest moving the fuck out of Iceland. Or at least pay your electric bill.

Qualify

13. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes

Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.

I do like their Lego too.

Qualify

14. SWITZERLAND – Mélanie René – Time To Shine

There is a lot of songs this year that have a great verse and a chorus that doesn’t quite meet expectations. I’m glad this one works. Bit of a clumsy ending. But I do like the way it never gives any section enough time. Guitar solo? Snipped after 30 secs! Onto the next bit. Snipped after 30 seconds. Someone should do that with Nigel Farage’s speeches. And then his throat.

Qualify

15. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done

No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”

Qualify

16. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You

Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, not much to say here started thinking about the general election who are you going to vote for not sure myself probably greens or snp maybe snp have done some good stuff in scotland and it would be funny for labour to get the kicking it deserves for deserting the workers but greens are probably more where my beliefs are need to put some more thought into that fuck tory lib dem labour and ukip basically oh song has finished.

Not qualify

17. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love

A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.

Not qualify

Finalists

For some reason, the worst countries in the world are allowed to skip the semi finals and inflict their horseshit music unquestioned by the rest of the Euroscum. I find that weird. Especially this year as there is some real shit here:

AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again

Australia? Why are you in?!

Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine. If you weren’t being an utter selfish cunt. After electing Tony Abbott the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master and seeing him spout anti-gay anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Then you’d have to get off your fucking ass and fight this cunt. But no, you just sit there and pretend it’s all not happening. You lardy kangaroo fucker.

As with Israel, ignoring my political thinking, the song is uptempo and fun and actually quite ok. It sickens me.

AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours

Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.

Oh, unless the guy cuts his dick off and puts it into a hot dog bun for Conchita to munch on?

FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas

Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.

(Edited to remove original bad taste joke.)

GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke

[Unfair comment redacted]

Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.

ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore

Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.

SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer

Fucking hell. All of these finalists are the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. None of them would have qualified if they didn’t get automatic entry.

UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You

HEY EUROPE! WE STILL THINK WE’RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE MASTERS! OH YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, EH? HAVE A BIT OF GEORGE OSBORNE’S SHRIVELED BALLSAC TO CHEW ON WHILE WE RAPE YOUR EARS OUT.

Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.

———–

So then. What will win?

Simplest answer: Sweden by a fucking mile. Wait till you see the laser 3d stage show. So put some money on that now – odds will be pish but right now you’ll get double what you put on it.

What I fink (favourites and wildcard outliars)
1. Sweden
2. Latvia
3. Belarus
4. Belgium
5. Russia

Lastly, if Czech Republic get through the semi finals put money on them to come last in the final.