Oh god. The final is here and it’s time for my recap on all of the songs from this years Eurovision. We’ve got rid of a lot of the bad ones so fortunately there are only 26 bad ones left – out of 26.
Now we’re past the semis I can pat myself on the cock and be all smug that I got around 8 out of 10 right for each semi. Not too bad. Some absolute shit got through but, you know what, that makes the final more interesting/diseased.
I mean, there have been some pretty awful things happen in Israel over the years so who’d have thought the very worst thing to occur would be a vocal performance from North Macedonia? And yet, they still qualified. I pray she is as dreadful as she was on Thursday so you can suffer with me.
Now I’ve seen the performance it’s a lot clearer on the big standouts and also the ones that have shat the bed with their staging and now have no chance. I still don’t see Netherlands winning it – but it’s so fucking dull and lifeless maybe that’ll be its stand out moment. Who knows I guess.
Here’s my recap for you to follow along while you watch Saturday’s final.
THE FUCKING FINAL
1. MALTA: Michela – Chameleon
Malta have really brought it this year. This is hugely listenable, modern sounding, and does all it can to be a contender. While the video of the song is lovely the staging for the Eurovision show is NUL POINTS. I can’t believe it is opening the show. It’s very Eurovision – will get points at least but fade away I reckon.
Final thoughts: Last year it was Netta with those golden cats. I still hope this year it’s Michela with chameleons!
2. ALBANIA: Jonida Maliqi – Ktheju tokës
This is absolute nonsense that fails to come to life. Long held notes over a familiar arrangement. I’m sure I could go re-listen to failed songs from the last ten years of Eurovision and a song that sounded like this would be there.
Final thoughts: You won’t remember this by the end. Just like you don’t really believe there is a country called Albania.
3. CZECH REPUBLIC: Lake Malawi – Friend Of A Friend
I hate how that is a cowbell on the song but he’s playing a different drum live. That said, it is upbeat and pleasant. Some would say smug and they would be right. Ticks all the boxes for pop perfection – and it seems to be about fucking a 13-year-old. In the video he even goes to jail. Hell yes.
And the winner for Most Punchable Face goes to… THIS CUNT
Final thoughts: Like Donald Trump, this comes too early. This could have done well if it was on later but it’s too soon in the order. Especially now the show starts with Malta and her chameleons.
4. GERMANY: S!sters – Sister
A duet that goes nowhere, symbolised by them revolving around on a stage where every direction leads them back to the beginning. I assume they change that for the Eurovision stage but, either way, it’ll still be two midgets shrieking “SISTERS” at each other for three fucking minutes. The song is all shades of awful, like the choice between Jeremy Corbyn and Theresa May – you just want both to die.
Final thoughts: Pretty unfair for the Germans to inflict this kind of trauma on the folk of Israel.
5. RUSSIA: Sergey Lazarev – Scream
It’s okay I guess. Nicely staged with those cool mirrors and screens. Mostly listenable and he seems quite a happy kinda guy for a white supremacist with a backyard full of corpses.
Final thoughts: The chorus is “they scream”. That’s literally Putin’s cum cry when watching gay people be tortured to death.
6. DENMARK: Leonora – Love Is Forever
Her stare is legit terrifying. You can’t trust someone who looks at you that way. The way she says “love is forever” really should scare you. In her basement are around forty men in cages, all chained to each other, that she milks on a weekly basis so she can bathe in their “love”.
Final thoughts: So salty.
7. SAN MARINO: Serhat – Say Na Na Na
Oh yes. This is a fucking laugh. It’s as if Leonard Cohen did gay disco. He can’t sing. He’s absolutely useless. Yet he’s still here doing his thing. It’s pretty much a metaphor for all old white men.
Serhat looks like he argues with women about the Me Too movement online. I hope that beast from Denmark catches him.
Final thoughts: Are San Marino going to win? Say NA NA NA.
8. NORTH MACEDONIA: Tamara Todevska – Proud
Kinda cool that they are North Macedonia now. Upset the UK is not listed as the Un-United Kingdom. Proud is an echo of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful except so splutteringly devoid of worth I feel my life has lost 2% of its meaning just from being subjected to it. A betrayal to anyone on this Earth who is still alive and a curse on those who can feel emotion.
Final thoughts: Three minutes that last forever, like that time you filled a toilet roll tube up with broken glass and fucked it.
9. SWEDEN: John Lundvik – Too Late For Love
Considering he is performing under a giant sunbed that can’t be good for his skin. It’s a standard electro pop banger from Sweden much like their last couple of entries. I’m a sucker for them so immediately biased. Is it as strong as previous years? Not at all, but the soul backing singers really ensure this song is punching above its weight.
Final thoughts: Anything less than top 5 is failure.
10. SLOVENIA: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi
The song you’d put on a playlist for your ex-wife who’s in a coma and you’re trying to ensure she never wakes up again. The empty electro music you’d hear in a high-end hotel played softly over the speakers during their breakfast service.
She also doesn’t have enough face to fit on all of her features.
Final thoughts: That pissy drum beat can fuck right off. Any EU trade deal the UK agrees should include a clause that states these two are thrown off a cliff.
11. CYPRUS: Tamta – Replay
Decent enough. A pop song from the early 00s that’s not a hundred miles away from Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You. Chorus is a let-down as the melody just plays on a thicker sounding instrument. “You need my love on replay” she squawks in a vocoded flat emotionless voice, almost as if I’m watching this video on Pornhub and her dead eyes are staring back at me with that infamous haunting look of desperation for attention. No moneyshot though.
Final thoughts: It’s solid enough but a shame no crescendo.
12. NETHERLANDS: Duncan Lawrence – Arcade
Netherlands have sucked in Eurovision for a while now. Maybe the last 100 years. Luckily this is not Waylon from last year. Instead it’s a song devoid of passion or any real joy. It’s the music that played in the elevators of the Twin Towers. I can feel my arteries hardening listening to this. Like the way Rutger Hauer’s replicant starts to slow down at the end of Blade Runner, I need to do something violent to myself in order to stay alive. Excuse me while I sand down my nipples.
Final thoughts: Everyone is worthless. Hope is lost. This is the bookies’ favourite. Kill us all.
13. GREECE: Katerine Duska – Better Love
That big sounding Florence and the Machine pumping heart that you’ve been secretly waiting for. It’s an odd video so I expected the staging to be fun – it’s not. Instead the staging actually detracts from how good the song is. While I found the song warming and a strong contender against the others this performance won’t cut it.
Final thoughts: Swing and a miss
HALF WAY POINT!
Oh my god there are more of them? By now I kinda feel like the girl at the end of a bukkake video. It’s getting a bit tiresome now and all tastes the same. I’m really just waiting on that one guy who smokes weed or eats asparagus to turn up just to change it up a bit. Please. Let one of these next songs be that guy.
14. ISRAEL: Kobi Marimi – Home
Urgh. What is it about all these fucking automatic finalists entering absolute fucking boring pish? This reminds me, in parts, of the Up There song by Satan on the South Park Movie soundtrack. Except for, you know, not being as good or valuable.
Satan with his new lover.
Final thoughts: To be clear I am not comparing Israel to Satan. I am comparing Netanyahu to Satan because they are, in fact, the same person. Except Netanyahu bums kids.
15. NORWAY: KEiiNO – Spirit In The Sky
Sorry, you can’t call a song Spirit In The Sky. That title is taken by one of the best songs ever. Why not go all the way and call it Baby One More Time or Smooth Criminal?
Anyway, this is pretty much a meme video like What Does The Fox Say?, only without the stronger melodies that set that apart. It fails to commit to either silly or serious, and hence doesn’t get to where it needs to be. The middle with the daft singing should absolutely slay but I just end up thinking of the bald guy from Aqua.
Final thoughts: I was wrong about this one. It’s fucking hilarious. When it keeps cutting to the bald guy who does his silly singing you just have to laugh. Also: they look HAPPY. After all this glum shit this will do well because guess who is next…
16. UNITED KINGDOM: Michael Rice – Bigger Than Us
This one is actually pretty good. Compared to the rest of the dross this one is pretty strong. Does that matter though? We are on a hiding to nothing. No chance. No friends. Alone. And all our own fault.
Michael Rice’s new tattoo
Final thoughts: Sure, he looks like an over-inflated pillow that has a drag queen with bad foundation sown onto it but his voice is strong. It doesn’t matter. Between Iceland and Norway we are FUCKED – like our attempt to have the Norway EU deal. Maximum of 15 points for the entire night I reckon.
17. ICELAND: Hatari – Hatrið mun sigra
Let’s not fuck around here. This is a fucking killer of a track. The energy of it all is great. And yes, there are some sexy men in latex and bondage gear too. I love the over-production of his vocal that makes it even more rabid. The contrast between that and the softer chorus is just wonderfully done.
Final thoughts: It’s called Hate Will Prevail. They don’t give a fuck if they win or come last. Gotta love that.
18. ESTONIA: Victor Crone – Storm
<screams>
Avicii has been resurrected.
<screams for all eternity>
Final thoughts: This guy is hot so idiots give him points. He’s usually miles away from the right note when he sings. Still. He’ll do better than the UK.
19. BELARUS: ZENA – Like It
Um. This is actually No Scrubs. The chorus redeems it though, and I like how they just hammer that home by making the entire rest of the song the chorus. It doesn’t quite hit the peak for me – I would have considered overlapping vocals over the end – but meh, it’s decent enough. My only other thought is she’s so goddamn shrieky live. It’s piercing and quite annoying – if the music is loud enough though it should sit better in the mix.
Final thoughts: ‘Is he gonna like it?’ OF COURSE NOT YOU WITCH, TAKE YOUR FINGER OFF HIS PROSTATE
20. AZERBAIJAN: Chingiz – Truth
I like Azerbaijan. They’ve entered loads of good stuff over the years.
The side chain on the verse is absolutely superb, getting me to nod my head like a fucking spazz. Then the chorus comes out of nowhere and is an absolute killer. I like it when the chorus is not only catchy but also something you can say to work colleagues when they ask if you’ve done that report you promised. “Shut up about it!”
Final thoughts: I want this to win. The staging with robots and lasers is awesome but then it has some cheap effects a bit later on. Secretly, I hope a Muslim country wins.
21. FRANCE: Bilal Hassani – Roi
Pretty much a boring ballad like North Macedonia but fuck the song, it’s about Bilal Hassani who is doing the Conchita drag thing. Except without the talent. I mean honestly it’s fucking dreadful and we shouldn’t give him a pass because of it. While it’s kinda fun sending an Arab in a wig over to Israel, the fact remains: Dana International he is not.
He is also preaching about love and respect and all that so I want to drive over his silly little head in a tank.
Final thoughts: He’s so small his Eurovision-week Airbnb is probably the cannon barrel of a 155mm Israeli howitzer.
22. ITALY: Mahmood – Soldi
A much better entry from Italy. Can’t say I totally got it at first but it’s really grown on me. Unfortunately, he appears to have the charisma of a used sanitary towel and the staging has killed it dead. Personally, the grime influences that bleed through in the second verse really make it sparkle.
Final thoughts: The best of the auto-qualifiers for sure but that’s not saying much.
23. SERBIA: Nevena Božović – Kruna
This one doesn’t come close to the beauty of Hungary’s entry (which didn’t even fucking qualify) and the addition of the soft-rock guitar poisons it like a chemotherapy IV drip filled with dog cum.
Final thoughts: Don’t swallow.
24. SWITZERLAND: Luca Hänni – She Got Me
Manages to avoid the pitfall I was expecting and sounds a lot of fun. Can imagine this one getting people on their feet at a club too. I like how it continues to build the chorus successfully each time which makes it more satisfying to listen to. Considering they have all the Jewish gold it would be nice if they won the trophy in Israel.
Final thoughts: This is a fun one but it’s about to be eclipsed by…
25. AUSTRALIA: Kate Miller-Heidke – Zero Gravity
This. This is the one where, like when Rise Like A Phoenix happened, you went to yourself – “oh, that should obviously fucking win.” Then it did. That is this song this year.
Silly outfit? Silly operatic vocals? Mad as fuck staging? All check. We have a Eurovision competition now! This will do extremely well – not sure if it will win but it will come close. Also her vocals in the video I saw were live and that gives me a lot of faith that she will smash this on stage.
Final thoughts: Just a wonderful performance and song. I’m pretty sure it will win and then we can go to Australia next year.
26. SPAIN: Miki – La venda
Is it too much to ask for a singer from Spain who combs his hair? Well, like his hair, this one is a fucking mess. It’s like one of those Balkan-influenced gypsy punk ones that were all the rage a few years ago. Except they’ve smoothed the production and sanded the edges off it. I don’t think I could listen to this one again. I said it would come last and then fantastically it is technically last. But I need it to come last in the voting. It is monstrously shit.
Final thoughts: Much like Portugal, Spain are a plague on music in general. They should be stopped at all costs.
SUMMARY
Well I hope the one you despised won and you regret your Saturday evening choices spent with me. For clarity here’s how I want shit to go down:
My personal top 6 in no order:
Azerbaijan
Iceland
Australia
Greece
Switzerland
Sweden
What will probably be top 6 because God is dead:
Netherlands
Serbia
Russia
Estonia
Australia
Sweden
Overall, I’d reckon an each way on Australia will get you some money back.
Music is Dead 
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