Tag Archives: Valentina Monetta

Eurovision – Kyiv, Ukraine 2017

28 Apr

eurovision-2017-logo

A lot has changed since last year’s Eurovision: The UK decided to firmly flush itself down the toilet, Donald Trump promoted himself from useless hairless cumrag to powerful useless hairless cumrag and, generally, things are getting worse. In fact the only thing that’s the same is that Russia is the worst place in the world.

So then onto Eurovision 2017. As always this is my first listen to each of the songs. Because the official CD wasn’t out yet when I started writing, though, this time I’ve had to use the Eurovision playlist on YouTube, which means I’ve seen a bit more than I usually do. It also means I’ve probably been influenced a little by the video and performance – I’m looking at you Montenegro and Moldova. You sexy bastards.

SEMI-FINAL 1 – Tuesday May 9th

1. SWEDEN – Robin Bengtsson – I Can’t Go On
Considering Sweden still seem to write most of the music in the charts I am surprised with this entry. Nothing as memorable as their usual offerings and it suffers from a lacklustre performance by a beige mannequin in a crap suit. In the Swedish finals I loved how they were all on treadmills – some innovative choreography – assume they will do that in the final too. But the chorus just never pops – probably needs another melody over the final chorus to give it a kick but it’s top 10 kinda stuff still.

Verdict: Poppy banger sung by a Robin Thicke cyborg sex doll clone.

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Look at his motherfreaking EYES

Final: Yes

2. GEORGIA – Tamara Gachechiladze – Keep The Faith
So this one is a song. Helpfully it is called Keep The Faith because aside from a dig at Muslims wearing veils those are the only lyrics. I think the structure is verse-chorus-then chorus to infinity. Although that may be because my brain shut down temporarily to stop me from falling into a boredom coma. There are a lot of problems with the vocal work which does not sit on the song at all. Maybe it will work live, but the balance of her Off-Broadway theatrical vocal versus the syrupy strings just clogs the whole song up like fatty deposits in your arteries before your surprise heart attack.

Verdict: Bland Aid.
Final: No

3. AUSTRALIA – Isaiah – Don’t Come Easy
Obv jokes first: No, I “don’t come easy” when you have awful eyebrows and a shit haircut like that pal. Another ballad but this time it has a very nice arrangement that includes a rather lovely spin on the orchestral hit effect. Builds nicely and doesn’t do anything over the top or pretentious.

Verdict: I just spent two weeks in Australia and it was a much better country than the UK so I’m down for this one.
Final: Yes

4. ALBANIA – Lindita – World
Ah. Someone is kidding me on. Albania isn’t even a country so it can’t even be in this competition.

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See? Albania does not exist.

Verdict: Not a real country so disqualified.
Final: No

5. BELGIUM – Blanche – City Lights
Every year I listen to Belgium’s entries and every year I like them and they never win. This year however I dislike their song. It’s a low beat slice of electronic but with ever-so-slightly annoying drumming and a wondrously pathetic vocal. It’s like watching someone try to blow up a balloon when they don’t have any lungs – utterly hopeless.

Verdict: The sort of laidback emotionless slop you’d play over the video footage of Martin Shkreli gassing himself with exhaust fumes in his garage.
Final: No

6. MONTENEGRO – Slavko Kalezić – Space
YES. This is the kind of delicious homosexual banger I dream of. It’s all shit metaphors for spunking your load everywhere. Crappy brass and funk guitar. Against all these downtempo tracks this one really jumps out. Thank god for the gays. Forget all this politics and horrible shit going on – just bone the fuck out of each other. Love it.

Verdict: If you don’t like it you’re a homophobe who drinks wee-wee cocktails.
Final: Yes

7. FINLAND – Norma John – Blackbird
Blackbird? More like Brown Turd.

Verdict: No.
Final: No

8. AZERBAIJAN – Dihaj – Skeletons
From the start this one shows a lot of promise. It’s a bit of a nothing verse with a powerhouse chorus. Video is very poor and doesn’t manage to raise any emotions so they’ll need to work on that for the show but I’ve got a good feeling on this one. A lot of nice layering of cool electronic sounds in the background too.

Verdict: A definite contender.
Final: Yes

9. PORTUGAL – Salvador Sobral – Amar pelos dois
Bit harsh of Portugal to enter some homeless dude with Tourette’s. Gave me a right laugh though with his stupid wispy beardy face. Hope he gets a new cardboard box for a home after this.

Verdict: It’s very lovely but I just don’t like and want it to be punished by a 1,000-year nuclear winter.
Final: Yes because it’s “different”

10. GREECE – Demy – This Is Love
Another ballad and this one sounds like it could have been a previous entry from the last 20 years. When it turns into a banger I’m not 100% convinced. It just sounds SO Eurovision – like filling in a paint-by-numbers and failing to feign surprise at the result. And yes, that is me saying this one is rubbish because it sounds too Eurovision and saying Portugal is rubbish because it’s not Eurovision enough. Go eat a bowl of chewy foreskins.

Verdict: SAME.
Final: Yes

11. POLAND – Kasia Moś – Flashlight
Seriously there is a lot of dirge in the first semi-final. I know Eurovision is often formulaic but how many of these songs spend the first minute whimpering then the second minute beefing things up? Unfortunately the second minute of this just sounds like an army marching in jackboots all over her nice song. The video is a poor show too. It feels like someone just barged in on her singing in the shower. That said, the finale has a full string section bashing away with echoes of Puff Daddy’s Come With Me, so there’s that.

Verdict: A few points for effort but not nearly exciting enough.
Final: Yes

12. MOLDOVA – SunStroke Project – Hey Mamma!
It’s that Ed Sheeran Shape Of You xylophone sound. In the video he often looks like a balding James McAvoy which is a little distracting. Oh wait. Did I say his looks were distracting? I mean that ridiculous saxophone is! Haha, that is just incredible cheese. The BEST type of cheese. You’ll love this. Unless you’re a proper fan of Eurovision or something.

Verdict: Sure, it’s dreadful. But a lot of fun. And I’m in a forgiving mood today. Top marks.
Final: OF FUCKING COURSE NOT

13. ICELAND – Svala – Paper
A lovely arrangement of beats, clunks and clanks with a retro chorus. Full of deep synths. It’s got that Robyn feel and definitely could be a grower. Lots of neon and 80s stylings. This is the kind of music I listen to so lovely to see it entered into Eurovision.

Verdict: I would need to see how this is staged but this will get to the final. I like it and I think many others will too.
Final: Yes

14. CZECH REPUBLIC – Martina Bárta – My Turn
*cuts off lips with scissors before attempting to blow the world’s bloodiest raspberry*

Verdict: Absolute rubbish.
Final: No

15. CYPRUS – Hovig – Gravity
Great hook on this one. Hammers home the chorus a lot which is always a winner in my book. You’ve got three minutes – milk it my boy. The only thing that alarmed me was thinking that if Peter Andre ever spunked his mess up Olly Murs’ fallopian tubes then the resulting offspring would look like Hovig.

Verdict: Again, there is no way this will win but I am a huge fan of it. I’m gonna cross my fingers and hope it does well.
Final: Yes

16. ARMENIA – Artsvik – Fly With Me
First you trick me with nonsense countries like Albania and now you try this? Nope. Not buying it. Armenia is not a real country either. You can’t trick me.

Verdict: The last thirty seconds sounds like someone sped up a Quentin Tarantino film.
Final: No

17. SLOVENIA – Omar Naber – On My Way
Did you ask for another boring ballad? Well you aren’t going to get it here. Starts slow then comes in strong with a massive chorus. The only distraction for me is a bleep that sounds like someone getting an error message on their computer – maybe the producer hates the song and was trying to delete it?

Verdict: Strong throughout and could be the powerhouse song of the finals.
Final: Yes

18. LATVIA – Triana Park – Line
Hmm. It’s just a standard dance song with all the cheesy and necessary synth arpeggiators doing what you’ve heard synth arpeggiators do a thousand times before. While it’s absolutely fine, I just don’t hear a strong enough vocal to win Eurovision. She basically just repeats the same line over and over and then it just fades out. No crescendo or anything. Blatantly an edit of a five minute long version. That drummer is so out of time in the video too – whoever edited it was clearly blind.

Verdict: So pointless the only benefit in its existance is knowing it will be a Pointless answer one day
Final: No

SEMI-FINAL 2 – 11th May

1. SERBIA – Tijana Bogićević – In Too Deep
Oh my. This isn’t really my type of song but it’s very nicely done. A lovely hook, strong vocals, loads going on with lots of changes and a middle section that absolutely sparkles. Genuinely whaps out its gigantic penis and slaps the other entries in the face. Minor criticism is that the vocals are way too loud on the video mix but that won’t be a problem by finals time.

Verdict: I think this could win.
Final: Oh yes.

2. AUSTRIA – Nathan Trent – Running On Air
Sure, okay. It’s a bit different to the others but I can’t hear anything other than a poor boyband b-side from the 1990s. Just a jangly guitar and overly cheery vocals. For someone as hateful as myself positivity triggers me and I am offended.

Verdict: Looks like a grown up Billy Elliot without the success.
Final: Nah

3. RUSSIA – Yulia Samoylova – Flame Is Burning
Flame is burning? Don’t you mean democracy? Or maybe you mean gays in Chechen concentration camps are burning? Not as catchy I suppose.

Verdict: Guilty.
Final: Withdrawn

4. MACEDONIA – Jana Burčeska – Dance Alone
At the start I was already to praise it cos I am down with these funky songs. But then the chorus happens and that’s the real problem. The chorus just isn’t as good as the verse. Not very catchy and just a bit of a “oh well”.

Hmm. My mind just wandered there for a bit while it was on. I was thinking of other stuff. Yeah, I don’t think this is very good at all.

Verdict: It just blends into the background. Minimal impact. Zero chance.
Final: No

5. MALTA – Claudia Faniello – Breathlessly
If I look up the odds and this one is in the top 10 I will be very disappointed in the world. Oh wait, I am disappointed in the world. It’s a total hodgepodge of Meat Loaf ballad cliches that just doesn’t commit itself. It needs a soft rock guitar solo over the end but instead it just goes out with a whimper.

Verdict: Emptier than Mick Jagger’s balls after a world tour.
Final: Yes because you people are dreadful

6. ROMANIA – Ilinca feat. Alex Florea – Yodel It!
OH YES. THIS IS THE EUROVISION YOU WANTED. A white guy with cornrows rapping while a short-skirted dirty blonde does ridiculous/fantastic/horrendous yodelling. Her vocals in parts are miles away from notes that you would consider tuneful and I can only hope it’s as disastrous as this in the semi-finals and hopefully the final.

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Verdict: The culmination of middle-aged people sitting around nodding murmuring “yes, this is what is cool. We shall dominate them with this song”.
Final: I can only dream.

7. NETHERLANDS – O’G3NE – Lights And Shadows
Holland always do well and coming after the previous skidmark of a song should help it out a lot. It even features a silly guitar solo and ticks all the tropes required – key changes, acapella sections, etc.

Verdict: The video is a crushing bore so with a real stage presence this could do well. I would like a few more non-ballads though.
Final: Yes

8. HUNGARY – Joci Pápai – Origo
Apart from it sounding like he doesn’t know the words and is just making it up on the spot this one is lovely. Some great hooks and the video is very smart. The irony being that if I want to sing along with the very nice chorus I can’t and I have to make them up as I don’t speak foreign.

Verdict: Surprising even me, this is my favourite one. I imagine I may wake up tomorrow and hate it but right now, after listening to all this shit, I love it.
Final: Yes

9. DENMARK – Anja Nissen – Where I Am
Ah, back to sewage sludge. Achieves nothing. Lots of loud operatic vocals if you like that sort of thing. I am not an imbecile so of course I don’t. The kind of music people who have the worst taste in music listen to.

Verdict: Not even remotely worth acknowledging.
Final: No

10. IRELAND – Brendan Murray – Dying To Try
This is the same song as Denmark, Netherlands etc., just with different lyrics.

Verdict: Torturous.
Final: Not a fucking chance

11. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson – Spirit Of The Night
If you put together an EP of all the songs Valentina Monetta has sung at Eurovision (this is her fourth) you would have a bunch of loser songs. This has a bit more going for it. It being a duet at least makes it different and it’s got a funky disco vibe and a fun squelchy bass. There is a pointless key change that I really could have done without and an acappella bit that the Netherlands did better but the main issue is that it just doesn’t pound hard enough.

Verdict: Just too tepid.
Final: A hesitant yes.

12. CROATIA – Jacques Houdek – My Friend
Spoken word klaxon! And then you see his face and he looks like if you buzzcut your scrotum then tasered your wilted member. Then Pavarotti turns up to do some opera singing. Croatia treating the competition like it’s the goddamn UN and they’re fundraising for something. I guess Ukraine did that last year and it worked.

Verdict: There isn’t actually a song here.
Final: Please god no.

13. NORWAY – JOWST feat. Aleksander Walmann – Grab The Moment
They seem to have MF DOOM on the decks. Wait…three sets of decks? What madness is this? A lovely sidechain synth and fun sampling work. The middle is especially good and takes us into a very catchy finale. I just wish the singer had a bit more going on. He’s basically a chunk of wood wearing a pleasant hat.

Verdict: If I heard this on the radio I’d really like this so I think this one will do well. I love the light-up Friday The 13th masks too.
Final: Yes

14. SWITZERLAND – Timebelle – Apollo
While the video seems to be set at Dignitas it’s a shame the song wasn’t sent there before being released.

Verdict: I may change my opinion on this one. By the end I was kinda into the chorus.
Final: Yes No

15. BELARUS – NAVI – Story Of My Life
You can’t be called Navi. It should just be this for 3 minutes. The end is absolutely the worst piece of music I have heard since 1972 and I wasn’t even born then.

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Verdict: If Mumford & Sons and The Corrs ever wound up at a sex orgy where everyone took ketamine instead of Viagra so they were weak and flaccid this would be the song they wrote.
Final: Yes because you hate all that is good in the world

16. BULGARIA – Kristian Kostov – Beautiful Mess
Sorry folks. I have been influenced by the video. I found it really well shot and wonderfully visual and that got me into the song. I think on a stage this might be too dull but with the video it’s fantastic and while a little pretentious I am 100% okay with it.

Verdict: A triumph.
Final: Yes

17. LITHUANIA – Fusedmarc – Rain Of Revolution
Oh go and boil your arse. If Bulgaria is a beautiful mess then this is a not-been-to-the-toilet-all-day splattery mess. I assume the light show has some kind of subliminal message that convinced easily-led fools to vote for it. There is an outside chance that this one is actually good but her Gremlin-like gurning and hair-on-fire-esque flailing is too distracting.

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Spot the difference. You can’t. There are none.

Verdict: Watery arse biscuits.
Final: Yes

18. ESTONIA – Koit Toome & Laura – Verona
Here we are folks. The middle of the road song. Not a snippet of a chance of winning. Doubt it will qualify. The way he looks at the floor at the end of each line really accentuates how BORING the song is when the words stop for a few bars as nothing is going on. It gets going a little but there really isn’t much here.

Verdict: PUDGY FACE.
Final: No

19. ISRAEL – Imri Ziv – I Feel Alive
Oh. This is probably the winner. An absolute crowd pleaser of a song that is thoroughly enjoyable. Filled with the right amount of cheese and party-going joy that is infectious. Can’t see this not doing extremely well.

Verdict: Would.
Final: And win I’d say.

FINALISTS

FRANCE – Alma – Requiem
Haven’t they entered this before? Sounds like sitting on the kerb watching a broken Renault Clio crawl past.

Verdict: Full review pending election results.

GERMANY – Levina – Perfect Life
She’s really taken that asymmetrical haircut to the limit. Looks like Kristen Stewart dressed as Worzel Gummidge. Still, I’m sure us lesbians will enjoy it. Again, going for that synth ballad and it’s nice enough.

Verdict: Not a contender.

ITALY – Francesco Gabbani – Occidentali’s Karma
Oh great. An Italian Nickelback. Ah, that’s not fair. They are having fun and the song is feel-good with the correct dosage of silliness. Really lovely arrangement throughout and that OMMM ending makes me think of Red Dwarf’s Smeg and the Heads so full marks there.

Verdict: This will probably win.

SPAIN – Manel Navarro – Do It For Your Lover

OH, GO GOBBLE YOUR MOTHER’S GONADS

UKRAINE – O.Torvald – Time
Post-apocalyptic fun times. Cool for Ukraine to just throw in a solid rock song cos they knew they were in the final regardless. Love how they have a countdown carved into their chests. Is that how long they have before Russia invades?

That last minute though! It goes completely rifftastic. Haha, it’s great to see a country honestly not give a fuck. Great song, poor ending.

Verdict: The only rock song in the entire competition? Some countries will unload their full 12 points onto this bitch.

UNITED KINGDOM – Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You
Gah, even though I live in hope that we can enter a Scottish entry in the future when all this EU/Brexit shit has sorted itself out, I’m a huge fan of this song. I love her voice and am fully prepared for it to get no points as penalty for political retribution. But I don’t care. It is one of the best songs we’ve ever entered.

Verdict: Anarchy in the UK.

SUMMARY

And there we go – another year’s Eurovision songs professionally reviewed and not half-arsed at all. I will now look at the odds and betting to see how thoroughly wrong I am compared to the market and then still put all my money on Israel.

Laterz.

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Eurovision Song Contest – Copenhagen 2014

5 May

Eurovision Song Contest Hello again Eurotrash and welcome to my now annual thoughts on all that is unholy in the world: Eurovision. Well, let’s get into it. Not heard anything – not even the UK entry this year – so let’s see what I think of them…

Semi-Final 1

1. ARMENIA – Aram MP3 – Not Alone

Good old electric piano to begin with. Fair is fair. The song starts as a lovely sub-Lionel Richie ballad. But what’s this? Seems like they didn’t want to risk a slow piano song for the full 3 minutes and decided to jar into an awful and pathetic dubstep crescendo.

Reminds me a lot of those rock band ballads from the 90s where the metal band couldn’t keep their distortion pedals turned off for three minutes.

On second listen and now being able to compare this with the rest of the competition this has grown on me a lot. It does what it does better than the other tracks so it’s definitely one for an each way bet.

Qualify

2. LATVIA – Aarzemnieki – Cake To Bake

Ah, kooky old Eurovision. It’s a song about all the unlikely things a man has done but when it gets to the chorus he admits that he doesn’t know how to bake a cake. I can’t help but feel this pours a significant amount of doubt that he found Atlantis or any of his other claims. Lyrically clumsy and most don’t fit.

Clearly this is hopeless but it is quite catchy – something that happens when you do the chorus 10 times in 3 minutes. Has that same quirkiness as the Bananaphone song.

Qualify

3. ESTONIA – Tanja – Amazing

Great production here. Reminiscent of Hurts/Duran Duran. Verse is great but chorus is a few paces off the mark. Pre chorus is wonderful though – better than the chorus.

I was hoping the chorus was only weak on the first one so they could build it throughout the song but no, even after the drop, the chorus doesn’t have the impact it should. Such a shame – it’s like meeting Dannii Minogue, taking her out for dinner, dancing all night then getting her home and finding she had a dick.

And it was uncircumcised.

Qualify

4. SWEDEN – Sanna Nielsen – Undo

These Swedes always seem to give their songs a certain amount of gravitas. Saying that, it’s just a better quality version of Armenia’s song and even then it could be a cover of Anastasia. Money on this for each way obviously but it doesn’t quite make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

Worse, I just googled her picture and it didn’t make anything else stand up either.

Qualify

5. ICELAND – Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I liked the stuttering bit but that’s only because I enjoy laughing at disabled folk.

Basically, it’s Scouting For Retards.

Not Qualify

6.ALBANIA – Hersi – One Night’s Anger

Is this Shakira? Holy shit it sounds so much like her! It’s a great example of throwing everything into the mix and seeing what falls out. Easily the best thing so far and won’t make the final as no one likes Albanians.

That last sentence has two lies in it.

Not Qualify

7. RUSSIA – Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

If I was Ukrainian I’d be putting my borders back up based on this song. Whilst it’s an interesting insight into the propaganda machine coming from Russia it’s also like someone giving you a box of chocolates after raping the bullet hole in your mother’s forehead.

Qualify or the cunts will invade someone else

8. AZERBAIJAN – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire

Delicately straddles the line between boring and beautiful. Bold and wonderful.

Qualify – Outside chance of winning

9. UKRAINE – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock

It’s like pop from 2010 when pop was good. I was hoping for a Ke$ha cover but this will do. Fun and has whistling (everything in Eurovision that has whistling is a keeper). Makes me want to dance and do that thing with my floppy bit.

Also 12 points from Russia.

Qualify

10. BELGIUM – Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Oh god. Another boring track from Belgium. The first minute sounds like someone composing a song from scratch and just playing the piano as a skeleton backing. Incredible that this has been chosen. Doesn’t even feel like half of a song. Is Axel famous or something?

Oh my god I just did a google search and got a picture of Rafa Benitez – how is this a man’s voice? Creepy. And doubly creepy for singing about his mum. Stay away from schools, mate.

Not Qualify

11. MOLDOVA – Cristina Scarlat – Wild Soul

The arrangement is good here. Great beats, electro synths. It’s just a shame they’ve put a god-awful female vocal on it. She’s so one note it just comes over drab and flat. It’s like putting an Odd Future sticker on a BMW – your car still looks like it belongs to a sad old man.

Qualify

12. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Maybe (Forse)

This is her third attempt to qualify incredibly and I’m sure it’ll be her 3rd time unlucky. Hopefully that will then be good night to her congested sphincter of a career. She probably feels like Manchester United will do for the next couple of years in the Europa League.

So will she qualify? Maybe (not).

13. PORTUGAL – Suzy – Quero ser tua

Kind of a hideous mix up of songs from Lazy Town and Agadoo played whilst you’re standing in a burnt field with the corpses of everyone you’ve ever loved around you.

Not Qualify

14. NETHERLANDS – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm

This is just With or Without You or Every Breath You Take. Nice slide guitar to give it a bit of a country influence. Based on what’s popular right now that’s pretty brave. Nothing particularly strong. Just potters along and stops.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Qualify cos they’re Holland but null points in final.

15. MONTENEGRO – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj svijet

Ah, pan pipes in Eurovision. The sound of winners!

Or winnets.

Qualify

16. HUNGARY – András Kállay-Saunders – Running

Ooh. Like this a lot. Strained and vulnerable vocals. Sounds like we could have a strong contender here… Oh no, amen break beats almost tip it into kitsch. Saying that, it’s growing on me a lot. Second chorus arrangement is interesting and certainly plays down the beats. Love the way it runs into it’s ending. Yeah, awesome. I think.

Qualify

 SEMI-FINAL 2

1. MALTA – Firelight – Coming Home

Fleetwood Mac-aroni cheesy bellends.

Not Qualify

2. ISRAEL – Mei Finegold – Same Heart

With a vocal riddled with throat tumours and a song so basic it could have been coded on a Sinclair spectrum ZX81. It’s an absolute mess and less emotionally involving than an episode of Neighbours watched with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears.

Not Qualify

3. NORWAY – Carl Espen – Silent Storm

The 65th song of this contest to begin with a single piano. Originality has always been a problem in this competition. Man, if this song explodes into guitar rock I’ll be very disappointed. Waits. Hey you know what? It doesn’t. Congratualtions! Thanks for sticking with your genre.

Even if that genre was listening to a man whose arse is made out of sandpaper taking a huge dump.

Qualify

4. GEORGIA – The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes To Earth

Obvious comment first: Hey! It’s the Lion King.

Shakira’s on this track as well. It’s a different one this. It ignores the usual song arrangement traditions like verses and choruses and just tumbles about like Katie Price’s babies in a washing machine. Assume this has some weird action on stage because otherwise this is a null pointer.

Not Qualify

5. POLAND – Donatan & Cleo – My Slowanie (We Are Slavic)

Ah, much better. Shouty girl hip hop. It’s a bit Hey Mickey and My Humps but I think it’d work better if it had a deep house bassline underneath it. Nice middle bit though that doesn’t fit in the slightest. Could be worse. Could be sung by a Black Eyed Peas.

Qualify

6. AUSTRIA – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix

Now then. This is how to do a piano ballad. Like a James Bond theme mixed with a marching band. I’m guessing I should hate this?

I don’t.

Qualify

7. LITHUANIA – Vilija Mataciunaite – Attention

That deep house bass I mentioned before? I think I found it here. Again the chorus isn’t strong enough for this type of production. There isn’t a hook – just cool sounds. It’s just not good enough.

It’s like paying for a £1000 prostitute when you only have a 3 inch dick.

Qualify

8. FINLAND – Softengine – Something Better

Finland has found middle of the road rock music. It sounds like a recent A-Ha record. The members are all 17-19 years old. What the hell happened Finland? I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your education system. Why aren’t these guys in jail for dressing like trolls and burning churches down. Very disappointed.

Qualify

9. IRELAND – Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith – Heartbeat

This is the Lithuania song – just better. It also has a chorus. Shame it relies on those godawful fiddles or whatever they’re called. Yes, I know you want to sound all traditional but for God’s sake why not just sample Gerry Adams and make all the bass drums the sound of bombs going off.

Qualify & Top 5

10. BELARUS – Teo – Cheesecake

Actually has dj-scratching on it. Oh Belarus your fourth world country is so amusing to us. Weird to say you’re ‘not like Patrick Swayze’ – to be honest I’m sure if you dug him up he’d have the consistency of a cheesecake.

Not qualify

11. MACEDONIA – Tijana – To The Sky

Oh. This should win.

Not Qualify

12. SWITZERLAND – Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars

A song condoning the hunting and murder of celebrities. On record it sounds a little pathetic but I’m sure in the stadium this will have a certain appeal…

To the kind of people who put Cadbury’s Creme eggs up their arse and poop them into their children’s’ mouths.

Qualify

13. GREECE – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – Rise Up

Are you allowed to use autotune on your voice in Eurovision? If not, these lot are in trouble. Sounds alright otherwise. Repetitive, catchy and forgettable. Feels like entering Cotton Eye Joe into a Classical music competition though.

Actually better the more it goes on – Mostly cos it’s bashing my head in. Very poor ending though.

Qualify

14. SLOVENIA – Tinkara Kovac – Round And Round

BOOM! This one is great from the off. Solid production and a fine, fine chorus. Yeah, high hopes for this.

Not Qualify

15. ROMANIA – Paula Seling & Ovi – Miracle

Side chain synths instead of chainsaw death screams. Runs out of ideas by two minutes but you can never ignore a male and female duet. Bound to get into the final but weaker than Oscar Pistorius’s defence plea

Other Cuntries who get a free ride 

DENMARK – Basim – Cliché Love Song

More whistling. Hard to dismiss this or criticise when it’s called Cliché Love Song. I do know a few songs I’d like more if they were called ANOTHER BORING BALLAD. Assume this is a favourite.

They should have entered Everything Is Awesome though, those Lego-making-dildohats.

SPAIN – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain

Oh thanks Spain. Just enter the Genocide of Music as your entry. Fucking wonderful.

This is a reason to vote for UKIP.

FRANCE – Twin Twin – Moustache

Hey France, you do some great hip hop. I heard it in La Haine. I listen to it a lot. THIS IS NOT IT. Baffling atrocious. Manages to make 3 minutes feel like a 30 year war.

TWIN TWIN TOWERS more like.

GERMANY – Elaiza – Is It Right

Slightly less exciting than going into Vision Express to browse for bifocal glasses for your grandmother.

ITALY – Emma – La mia città

Impressed this isn’t an awful ballad. Got a bit of rock to it. Like Finland’s entry but with a decent distortion setting. Probably the only genuine rock song so maybe can’t be ignored. Potentially all this ballad, pop dubstep nonsense will sound the same in the final and this could shine.

Yeah right. Only kidding. Some butt nugget of a song will win.

UNITED KINGDOM – Molly – Children Of The Universe

Speaking of butt nuggets here is the UK entry. But oh? But wow? It starts with full backing vocals? Awesome! Hey you know what? It ain’t too bad. Pretentious and full of itself – like everyone in the UK. Yeah, I like this. We’ve finally entered a song rather than a pop distraction. Great drop before the first chorus too.

Just needs to wave a flag saying PUTIN LICKS HORSE SCHLONG for a few more votes.

Summary

I’ll be honest – I’ve been a little disappointed with the songs this year. Nothing I could really love and nothing I could really hate. I think the songs are getting better – shame half the songs from the automatic entrant countries will stop us ever having a final with only good songs in the final. Top 6 for this year?

  • Macedonia  Azerbaijan
  • Sweden
  • Ukraine
  • Hungary
  • Slovenia
  • United Kingdom

*EDIT* Having just watched a rehearsal of  Macedonia I’m almost 100% sure they will bomb out. She sounds AWFUL live. Replaced with Azerbaijan as my wild card. Slovenia is 200-1 I notice and although she looks like a Disney Princess dancing about with a flute I still have high hopes.

Ghostsmut’s Final Thoughts Before Eurovision Malmö 2013

18 May

France

It’s the Black Keys but with a female singer. It’s 200 – 1 to win.

Opposite of everything Eurovision and it starts the competition. Chorus has a great stomp. Just voted in gay marriage so bonus points for France.

Ghostsmut advice: Worth an each way punt at those odds.

Lithuania 200-1

It’s about parasitic brain worms. Or love.

For me the chorus feels a little A-Ha and not enough punch. However, a great performance might change that.

Ghostsmut advice: It’s Lithuania and they have no friends so who cares?

Moldova 100-1

YES! The first ballad. It’s rather lovely and builds very well. But no chance and I think she’ll mess up the high notes.

Finland 40-1
It’s a fucking war crime of a song. But has a lesbian kiss in it so let’s accept it.

Ghostsmut advice: Follow my advice and report it as a war crime like I did.

Spain 250-1

At least the song before it is terrible in a 90s pop way. This song is awful in a holy fuck you wrote that and thought it was worth sharing with other people? No wonder your fucking economy is fucking fucked.

Ghostsmut advice: PUT MONEY ON THIS FOR LAST PLACE.

Belgium 100-1

I like this one. The chorus is lovely and has a great vibe. But the singer has the charisma of David Cameron’s dead kid.

Ghostsmut advice: Each way punt for me.

Estonia 250-1

You’ll be asleep by the second chorus.

Ghostsmut advice: Have a nap.

Belarus 150-1

Good stomp feel after that awful ballad from Estonia. It’s about Solero ice lollies.

Ghostsmut advice: You will be sick of it after 30 seconds. Feels like a jingle for an advert.

Malta 66-1

This is Scouting For Girls. Might go down well with some people. I can’t swallow it personally.

Ghostsmut advice: If you like it then consider an each way. I can’t stand it to even consider that option.

Russia 16-1

Russia get votes from EVERYONE.

When I first heard it I described it as JIZZPUKE. I still stand by that. However, it’s the kind of JIZZPUKE that gets lots of votes. Urgh.

Ghostsmut advice: Reluctant each way bet.

Cascada – 40-1

Yes, it really is Cascada. Instead of them entering something poppy and cheesy they have enetered something lazy as fuck. Chorus is dull. No one cares.

Ghostsmut advice: Ignore

Armenia 250-1

Trivia: It’s written by Tony Iommi’ from Black fucking Sabbath. But it can’t stand out even after Cascada. And it’s FUCKING AWFUL.

Ghostsmut advice: Likely to be last place or as close to Spain as possible.

Netherlands 25-1

A real game changer this one. No one has entered something this different in a while. I really LOVE it. And most fan boys of Eurovision seem to HATE it.

Ghostsmut advice: Each way bet certainty for me.

Romania 50-1

Get ready for a shock. His balls get amputated half way through. Comedy fucking gold. I tell you.

Ghostsmut advice: Just laugh. Don’t bet on it FFS.

United Kingdom 50-1

Song is shit. She looks like a chewed scrotum that’s now infected.

Ghostsmut advice: UK is hated. We’re trying to pull out of Europe and being generally dicks everywhere. Expect close to nul points as possible. Bottom 3 with Spain and Armenia.

Sweden 80-1

This is the home nation. They will get points from everyone being kind. I like the chorus but it feels like it doesn’t go awesome enough. Maybe they’ve changed it in practise. let’s hope it.

Ghostsmut advice: Home nations usually always do well. Each way bet if you think he performs it well on the night.

Hungary 100-1

Sounds like dEUS. Rather like it.

Ghostsmut advice: After the home nation song before it this song will bomb.

Denmark 8/13 (!!!)

This will win. As soon as you hear it you’re like Oh, a song that is good after a song that is weird.

Ghostsmut advice: Win by fucking miles. Listen to the crowd cheer after it ends.

Iceland 100-1

It’s a Cliff Richard xmas song. Putrid. After Denmark no one will care.

Ghostsmut advice: Toilet break.

Azerbaijan 12-1

Something different. Balkan music craziness. Love it.

Ghostsmut advice: Only song like this in the competition. Top 5 easy.

Ukraine 10-1

Why is this 10-1? It’s a dildo thrown at a fucking spaceship. Does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Must get points from Russia and their buddies. Maybe she’s hot. Not checked.

Ghostsmut advice: I hate it so it will win or something.

Italy 25-1

As hopeless as the Pope.

Ghostsmut advice: The least exciting ballad of the competition so again wouldn’t surprise me if it fucking wins.

Norway 5-1

HOLY FUCK. This is amazing.

Ghostsmut advice: Modern music in Eurovision? Deserves to win. For me, it’s this or Denmark.

Georgia 33-1

It’s the only duet this year so never ignore them. Bollocks though.

Ghostsmut advice: Go have a poop.

Ireland 25-1

Last song always does well. Sounds nice. Super gay drumming boys in it too. Fan boys seem to dislike it so let’s assume it will do well.

Ghostsmut advice: Each way bet again for me.

Eurovision Song Contest – Malmö 2013

14 Apr

Eurovision 2013

Eurovision time again cunts!

I don’t think there is an order to the semi-finals yet so shut your face and take it like a man. Will I offend your Cuntry this year? That all depends on what you’ve entered fuckheads.

Shall we begin then?

SEMI-FINAL 1

1. AUSTRIA – Natalia Kelly – Shine

So we start off with an unreleased Girls Aloud track. Except the writers were sent to us via a time machine from a time before music was any good. I find her voice on the side of annoying in that awful poppy Country Western crossover way we had about a decade ago. The way it falls into the final chorus is haplessly arranged and doesn’t deliver the cod-soft rock emotion that it’s clearly aiming for. Regardless, the whole song feels like it’s missing something and the chorus is just too ploddy and feels built entirely on a Lars Ulrich drumbeat.

Qualify

2. ESTONIA – Birgit – Et uus saaks alguse

Yay! A piano ballad. Everyone’s favourite. Joke – you know the drill – absolute bare-minimum effort from Estonia here. More frustrating is the way the piano is played – every note is exactly the same volume level so there’s no subtle texture. The chorus is lovely but it’s difficult to judge as the verse is absolute nothing. Typical pop music really: awful verse, good chorus. Mind you, saying that, when it did the chorus the second time I was asleep so I missed it.

Qualify

3. SLOVENIA – Hannah – Straight Into Love

The influence of Skrillex is over this like a fucking virus. Worse, it feels as falsely provided as a free handjob from your bank manager after you take out a loan with high APR. The reason it feels so fake is that the song’s verse is a standard makes-me-piss-blood ballad. Ergo, the writer went okay, we’ve done our silly noises now we have to put a proper song in. Which of course goes against everything the dubstep/brostep genre is actually about. If this was 3 minutes of unlistenable garbage – like Skrillex – it would be a game changer for Eurovision. No vocals or any of that poofy stuff. Just 3 minutes of what they alluded to in this song’s introduction. Hannah’s song is the audio equivalent of a 40 year old wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt. The sound of cancer growth in my bowels is better than this.

On second listen. The chorus is fantastic. I revoke the above opinion and leave it there as it’s quite funny.

Qualify

4. CROATIA – Klapa s Mora – Mižerja

Well, I hate it. It’s poisonously vapid and the kind of music you imagine those weird freaks who go to see things at the theatre listen to.

Qualify

5. DENMARK – Emmelie de Forest – Only Teardrops

Ooh, it has a recognisable panpipe refrain. Something about that takes me back to a film soundtrack maybe? I can feel it tugging away at my brain. This song totally makes me think of something else – not Titanic. Oh, this is excellent. Really great chorus, love the big drums in the middle section. A wash of synth is buried underneath but never goes full on cheesy dance. Yep, impressed with this one.

Qualify/Win

6. RUSSIA – Dina Garipova – What If

A nice slice of Evanescence at the start. Remember them? If you looked up STANDARD EUROVISION SONG the definition would be this song. Coincidently if you looked up JIZZPUKE this song would also be there. I absolutely fucking hate it. From the “give up our guns” line to the key change end section it’s just so formulaic. It’s as fake as Putin’s denial that he’s a mass murdering turd hound.

However, it’s the kind of regurgitated anal pus you cunts lap up. So it will win.

Qualify/Win

7. UKRAINE – Zlata Ognevich – Gravity

I’m loving the way loads of these songs start with a “LOOK AT ME” 20-second intro then collapse back into a dull piano ballad and then begin to build themselves up again. This track made no impact on me whatsoever. It made me feel nothing. Not bad, not good, just nothing.

It’s a dildo thrown at a fucking spaceship.

Will not qualify

8. NETHERLANDS – Anouk – Birds

Urgh. No, sorry – that was my first impression of the song. But then something in me changed. There is something hypnotic about this. I’m quite surprised by this one. It’s subtle. And Eurovision is NEVER subtle. You keep expecting it to explode but it never does. That’s what makes me like it so much – it builds in a better and cleverer way. It has absolutely no chance of course but I respect it and liked it.

Will not qualify

9. MONTENEGRO – Who See – Igranka

Ah, congratulations worst song ever. Juno Reactor-esque, which is already 10 years out of date. However, they have nailed the Skrillex-chorus. This is how you do it. Take note Slovenia. So yeah, the chorus is great but the verses are like being strangled by an aborted baby’s umbilical cord.

Qualify

10. LITHUANIA – Andrius Pojavis – Something

This man has something to tell us. In fact the entire verse is him building up to tell us something. Oh, it’s about love. And it’s about as interesting as a recent A-ha song.

Oh right, this song is amazing! It’s all about being in someone’s head and heart, etc. It’s about parasitic worms! It’s about the war he is in with the victim as they battle the medication to destroy the worms. Powerful stuff. Weird thing to sing about but hey, they prob don’t have anything to do in Lithuania but chat about worms and how to make sandals.

Not qualify

11. BELARUS – Alyona Lanskaya – Solayoh

Solayoh?

Solayoh?

This is a hungover entry from last year. It has that “did I hear this in 2012?” feel about it. Also, it’s about a Solero lolly. It’s nicely done but just sounds far too serious to be any fun. A live performance can of course change this, but on record this is as stern faced as a North Korean military training exercise.

Qualify

12. MOLDOVA – Aliona Moon – O mie

Ballads in foreign are always much better. I can’t bash my head off an iron spike over how ham-fisted the lyrics are. Really lovely chorus and the way the second verse follows on is excellent. Love the constant building of layering throughout. And yeah, I’m sure this all about love or something pitiful but I like to think it’s about microwaving hamsters.

Qualify

13. IRELAND – Ryan Dolan – Only Love Survives

Oh, this is like Hurts. Very well arranged. Was amused to see it build up a chorus then collapse but then explode on a random bit further on. I know you’ll all hate me for saying it as you all hate it when Ireland win. But this will win. It’s everything all the others have been in one song. Mind you, it feels like it falls down near the end. It just runs out of steam and should probably have been 2.30 instead of 3.00. Never mind.

Qualify and WIN

14. CYPRUS – Despina Olympiou – An me thimasai

B
O
R
I
N
G

Look, I liked Moldova. Is that not enough? This is stupendously hideous. Like someone put a human voice output onto a set of bagppes and played them with their bum. Just dull. On a side note, I looked her up on Google and jerked myself off to her picture just to pass the time. Glad the song was only 3 minutes long.

De-spoiled Olympiou

De-spoiled Olympiou

Will not qualify

15. BELGIUM – Roberto Bellarosa – Love Kills

Argh, accidental gayness. I’m covered in jizz from the last one and then a man’s voice comes on.

Anyway, this is a nice little song. It’s driving and although it has a poor man’s dubstep breakdown in the middle it moves past that and straight back into the most retro pop & rock chorus I’ve heard in a while. I very much liked it. Just don’t shine a UV light over my keyboard.

Not qualify

16. SERBIA – Moje 3 – Ljubav je svuda

Awesome cheese synth with delay. Drums are non-existent and the balance of the whole song is wrong. It’s clap your hands, point and laugh type of awful. As unwanted as someone turning a hand-dryer vent around so that it dries your face but then pooping in it thereby leaving a horrific faecal trap for the next unfortunate user. (I HAVE DONE THIS).

Not qualify

SEMI-FINAL 2

1. LATVIA – PeR – Here We Go

What the actual fuck? Is this a Chumbawumba football song? Oh my, that is a bad snare sound. And awful rap. Faux DJ scratches too? Dubstep middle bit? Horn section. Jesus fuck-me-in-the ass Christ. This is ticking every worst idea of the 90s in one fell swoop. Fucking congratulations you mad fucking Latvians. Top marks. Awful and astounding at the same time. Best worst thing ever.

Not a fucking chance of qualifying.

2. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Crisalide (Vola)

It’s safe to say no one cares about San Marino. They won’t qualify as this is just elevator music with some forgettable vocals on top. Unforgivable because the chorus is as dull as the verse. It also has a terrible tempo change which isn’t done very well. Then speeds up and puts an Abba-type disco beat on. Genuinely the worst song I’ve heard yet. Emotionally, it makes me visualise someone painting their newborn kid’s bedroom beige.

Will not qualify

3. MACEDONIA – Esma & Lozano – Pred da se razdeni

Halfway decent ballad here. When all you’ve got is a chorus, just keep doing the chorus. Oh no. Then it goes a bit crazy and it appears some unfortunate person got their genitals trapped in a door because there is a lot of “urrrgaghagahaaaaaaaa” nonsense before the 2nd verse happens. Awful for every second it exists.

Will not qualify

4. AZERBAIJAN – Farid Mammadov – Hold Me

Ah, finally. This is the kind of poop I wanted to hear. Not anything special but the production feels like it adds to the song rather than making it a dated knob-twiddling, look-at-how-many-plugins-I-can-use cripplefight. Nothing remarkable but based on how bad the last three have been this is much better. Pish ending tho.

Qualify

5. FINLAND – Krista Siegfrids – Marry Me

Ah, Finland. Another embarrassing entry. Oh hang on. It’s worse than that. Eyebrow raise alert when she sings “I’m your slave and you’re my master”. Since it’s called Marry Me and you don’t have gay marriage in Finland I assume you are saying this to a man. Combined with your dyed blonde hair Samantha Janus, I don’t think you are setting a very good example for girls.

Luckily, the song is an audible warfare ender. You play this and everyone in a 100-mile radius prolapses immediately and dies of anal asphyxiation. We should bomb the fuck out of Finland for this act of atrocity. In fact, I better fucking report it.

You need to report this kind of stuff.

You need to report this kind of stuff.

Qualify

6. MALTA – Gianluca – Tomorrow

Scouting For Girls pointlessness. Accent pop gubbins. Doesn’t make much of an impact on me but at least it sounds different from everything else. Chorus just isn’t strong enough – just kinda jaunty all the way through. Don’t think that’ll be enough.

Not qualify

7. BULGARIA – Elitsa & Stoyan – Samo shampioni

You know, I need to do some shopping today. I do need some shampoo and when I saw that title it reminded me. My mind wandered, I opened up a new tab and started my online shop. The song ended and I realised I had not heard any of it. I went back and listened to it again and my mind wandered off again. It is just a ghost of a song. It has to be the most boring song yet which, considering it is up-tempo and quite lively, is an astonishing achievement. Bland in a trans-dimensional way.

Not qualify

8. ICELAND – Eythor Ingi – Ég á líf

Folk seem to like Iceland in Eurovision. I don’t find anything remotely worthwhile in this. It sounds like a Cliff Richard Christmas song. At the end a whole load of backing singers come in and I can just imagine it on the stage. I don’t like this track but I think it will do well.

Qualify

9. GREECE – Koza Mostra feat. Agathonas Iakovidis – Alcohol Is Free

Yay. Balkan music. Love this shit. It’s up-tempo and fun in an honest way. The chorus appears to say “Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is sweet” and this is an absolute truth. Oh, just looked at the title. It says “free”. Either way, it’s great. It sounds like it was an entry for last year but it’s still fun. I’m assuming they all look bonkers too.

Qualify

10. ISRAEL – Moran Mazor – Rak bishvilo

Urgh. She sounds like she’s hawking up phlegm. Oh man, whoever produced this should have done something about it. The whole track makes me nauseous & I can feel my balls retreating into my body in disgust. Once some more instrumentation comes in this hawking phlegm sound is masked but, like hearing Lady Gaga’s penis plop out of Mr T’s eyesocket, you can’t unhear it. Great potential for a disastrous high note calamity here too. Just plain awful.

Qualify

11. ARMENIA – Dorians – Lonely Planet

This sounds like Lemar doing some kind of soft rock. Its heart is in the right place but I’m not finding the chorus is enough to raise the hairs on the back of my neck like it should. I like the copy and pasted 80s guitar solo too. This won’t do well as everyone hates Armenians cos they steal everyone’s jobs. They need to put some backing vocals on it though, as currently it sounds like one man battling a very loud guitar.

Not Qualify

12. HUNGARY – ByeAlex – Kedvesem

What the hell is this? Similar to Holland’s entry – it’s interesting and subtle. I’m quite fond of it and can’t think of anything harsh to say. It has a kind of dEUS feel and absolutely will bomb as it’s not bum nuggets masquerading as sequins.

Qualify

13. NORWAY – Margaret Berger – I Feed You My Love

This fucking better be about sucking cock. Stunning synth over the opening. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. This is amazing. Yes, this is another nul pointer from Norway and I adore it. This is music that actually sounds from this decade as opposed to every other entry. If Rihanna sang this it would be number 1. Great drops, great arrangement. Fucking flawless. Would listen to this outside of Eurovision. Fantastic.

Qualify and win.

14. ALBANIA – Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko – Identitet

How to make the worst music ever tutorial:

Step 1. Be Albanian.
Step 2. There is no Step 2.

Qualify

15. GEORGIA – Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani – Waterfall

Never ignore duets. However lame they are. Never ignore them. They always do well. This is like listening to someone with haemorrhoids raping themselves with a toilet brush. Similarly, it explodes at the end. I imagine I was supposed to feel something but I just visualised a man exploding and a toilet brush covered with torn anal tract.

Qualify

16. SWITZERLAND – Takasa – You And Me

I’m still not sure Switzerland actually really exists. I think it’s a made-up place. This could be the national anthem for a country that didn’t exist. And it just won’t quit with it’s fucking atrocious chorus. It must be a solid minute of the same fucking thing. ARGHhhh. Fuck you Switzerland.

Not qualify

17. ROMANIA – Cezar – It’s My Life

Cheesy trance mixed with Peter and the Wolf. I-

Han-
…?
Whaaaaaaaa-
What is this? His voice goes all high and silly. Hahah. This is great. Oh but another dubstep drop. Come on. Either make the whole song like that or don’t do it at all. Don’t use it for a “look at us being down with the kids” section. Shocking ending. Wastes its time at the beginning and comes across as a novelty castration act.

Qualify

FINALISTS

FRANCE – Amandine Bourgeois – L’enfer et moi

Very Black Keys this one. Great stomp and overdriven guitars. This is the type of music that’s doing well in hipster circles and is the opposite of everything Eurovision exists for. Really, really like it.

Will come 2nd last

GERMANY – Cascada – Glorious

Wait. Cascada? Really? This is what Germany have entered? A song from another decade? It sounds as old as Allo Allo and is filled with just as many thoughtless words. This isn’t good at all. I was expecting a 2012 Swedish level of trancey dance cracking chorus but this doesn’t grab me at all. Fucking dire ending too.

MILF I AM DISAPPOINT.

ITALY – Marco Mengoni – L’essenziale

This is another one of those forgettable bits of fluff. It’s as effective as brushing your teeth with a toothbrush with no bristles. Amongst the final songs this might stand out but I doubt it as there are better ballads in this contest.

As hopeless as the Pope

SPAIN – ESDM – Contigo hasta el final

30 seconds are taken up with warbling. Then an early Taylor Swift song emerges which very weakly builds to a sheepish peak 2 minutes in. Not much to talk about here. What was I going to say…? Oh right, yeah, so imagine you’re fucking Taylor Swift, right, and I know she’s been holed more times than a golf course, so you’d have to wrap your dick in a face flannel just to give you a bit more girth so you could get any traction on the poor girl. Anyway, imagine you did that and you’re pummelling away, I wonder if her face shows any sign of cognitive thought? I imagine when she’s being filled out like an application her face still looks like she’s just bitten into a Cadbury’s Flake like in an advert from 1980. Pure floaty incomprehension like she looks most of the time. Anyway, the important bit is this: when you’re done does Taylor Swift make a goat noise when she cums? Based on all those Taylor Swift goat memes on the internet I think she does.

Oh yes, Spain. Shite.

SWEDEN – Robin Stjernberg – You

Come on – taking a full minute of dirge to get to the chorus and then only letting it play for 10 seconds! That’s pretty fucking cheeky pal. This is a pretty decent chorus and I don’t think it’s being used enough. It does the chorus ONCE at the end. Shocking. So much of the 3 minutes is WASTED here with boring guff. Writing a good chorus and then not going nuts with it is an abhorrent waste – especially in a song competition like this where there are next to no good songs.

FAIL

UNITED KINGDOM – Bonnie Tyler – Believe In Me

“No one likes us and we don’t care.” Fair enough UK, but I don’t like you either and I live here. This song has already been done better by other countries this year. Gah, there’s nothing to do but listen to it. I thought about another wank but I googled her and she looks like a chewed scrotum.

NUL POINTS

Summary

Well that’s it. The first semi-final seems to be filled with female vocal safe stuff which is very hit and miss. The second semi-final is filled with diverse and mostly terrible examples of how not to write a song. What’s noticeable is that a lot of the songs sound like they are longer than 3 minutes and end far too abruptly. Maybe it’s always been like that but it’s really noticeable this year.

Countries I will put money on:

Norway
Denmark
Holland
Russia
Ireland
Latvia

Eurovision 2012 – The Reviews

19 Apr

Hello again my little chicadees! Glad to see you have returned for another wonderful journey through the unwavering constant awfulness of Foreign Musak. My name is Don and I’ll be your guide. Right then, let’s get to it.

Montenegro: Rambo Amadeus – Euro-Neuro

Oh lord. You have wasted 30 seconds of your song with some blurb and a bad soap opera laugh. All I can think of is “in soviet Russia music makes you” kind of voice. This is genuinely bad. Not even in a funny way. Just random instruments parping out poops of sound while some Russian IT support technician speaks a load of bollocks.

Good part: He is called Rambo Amadeus
Bad part: Vocals and music. No chorus. Instantly forgettable.
Verdict: Will not qualify

Iceland: Greta Salóme & Jónsi – Never Forget

Ah, yes. Hello Eurovision. Ooh, nice female backing. A duet too! I misjudged duets last year. If it’s a duet it’ll usually do well. Okay, maybe later I’ll think this is terrible but I quite like this right now. Mostly cos that first song was FUCKING AWFUL and this is the first proper song I’ve heard today. It ticks all the cheesy boxes, with a funny little violin solo.

Good part: Nice dual vocals. Really good arrangement.
Bad part: Could have come from any Eurovision contest previously.
Verdict: Qualify

Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

Interestingly, this song is about how aroused Greece get when they squander all of the bail-out money Europe gives them. Apart from this clearly being a song sounding like it was dialled in by someone requesting “uptempo Greek song” it’s quite good. Love the dirty synth on it and her vocals are very karaoke. – too loud in the mix for my liking.

Good part: Chorus is strong, like the maniac/aphrodisiac line.
Bad part: Thinks it is modern but sounds like it’s 20 years old.
Verdict: Qualify & Top 5

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

Awful. Terrible backing sounds. Ironically, this song is about a beautiful song and all it does is reinforce everything that this song isn’t. Lyrics are so bad. It’s like someone wrote random words on a piece of glass then stuffed it up their anus and shat out the broken bleeding pieces into a poop libretti.

Good part: I still have my health
Bad part: Every cell-killing second
Verdict: Not qualify

Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus

Yay! Piano ballad. Jk. It’s shit. It better not just be this gutter waste of emotive exploitation for the whole song. Oh. This is ghastly. Fucking shut up with your wailing screechy noise, you boring cow. A badly realised instrumental break is the only let up before her banshee shriek comes in again. This is the worst type of music. If I was in the audience I would throw rocks. Or dirty nappies. It’s just an adult baby wailing for their toys for 3 minutes over a badly arranged orchestra.

Good part: I’m 3 minutes closer to death.
Bad part: Sounds like a baby crying for 3 minutes
Verdict: Cot death.

Romania: Mandinga – Zaleilah

Oh cool. I like this Balkan flavoured stuff. Big fan of gypsy folk, etc. This is very silly sounding but you know what? They sound like they’re having fun. And after that last one I’m willing to forgive them for anything. Don’t expect this mood to last long. But yeah, like this.

Good part: Made me move the razor away from my wrist
Bad part: Was probably entered last year
Verdict: Qualify

Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable

Snow patrol/Goo Goo Dolls, etc, and all the guitar bands that don’t matter anymore. Whoa. This sounds like Andreas Johnson. Remember that Glorious song from years ago? These vocals do not sit well on this song. I think there is a better vocal melody for this song. Sounds a bit arrogant and “I could do better” but I think I could.

Good part: Sounds like he says “wrecking ball” and not Unbreakable. Haha.
Bad part: Crap chorus
Verdict: Won’t qualify

Belgium: Iris – Would You?

NUL POINTS. Only kidding. Her vocals are lovely. Is she hot?

A mouth for sucking penis

ARGRGHGRGHRHGRG. This one has taken me by surprise. I think it’s brilliant. Yep, all I can say.

Good part: I love the chorus. It is beautiful.
Bad part: See photo.
Verdict: Win.

Finland: Pernilla Karlsson – När jag blunder

Ooh, unfortunate that this comes after that last one. Quite similar. Last one in English, this one is jabbawookie. Chorus is unremarkable, not enough instrumentation and not dynamic enough. Verse is better actually. Big mistake.

Good part: Pretty verse.
Bad part: Ugly chorus. Too kooky for my taste.
Verdict: Not qualify

Israel: Izabo – Time

Funny hearing people from Israel saying they’ll “obey”. Not from my experience. (Palestine, ceasefires, not massacring people, etc). Although a different style this feels very much to me like a T-Rex song for some reason. Bit of glam stomp on the drums and the chorus vocals and all daft. Yeah, this one is amusing enough. And after too slower ones will of course do well.

Good part: Reminds me of T-Rex.
Bad part: Sounds like it was stitched together from spare pieces. Badly produced/edited.
Verdict: Qualify

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song – Oh Oh-Uh-Oh Oh

WUT? It appears that San Marino have just got the internet and Facebook. Other countries will laugh out fucking loud at this one. I know I am. Expect a fucking train wreck.

Good part: So you wanna make love to me. Am I really your cup of tea? Is the best lyric of all time.
Bad part: Every. Fucking. Second.
Verdict: Not qualify.

Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La La Love

Whoa. This is basically Rihanna. Yep, a toned down Eurovision version. Not as filthy or cum-slurping as a Rihanna song but very like S&M, etc. Cheesy synth but used in a way that still sounds like current musical trends. Who wrote this? Bastard.

Yeah, if a ballad/duet doesn’t win and they go for an uptempo one. Then this will do very well.

Good part: Music is dead.
Bad part: Well of course it’s awful. But it sounds like trending pop music so it will do well.
Verdict: Top four.

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve Known Better

Review writes itself. Oh it makes me think of another song. Gah! Can’t think what… Nice little pop song. SEAL! It sounds like Crazy by Seal! Well then it will do pretty good.

Good part: Familiarity breeds points.
Bad part: Lyrics are hilariously bad.
Verdict: Qualify

Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party For Everybody

WELL JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO IT. DISTRACT EUROPE WHILE MILLIONS OF COMRADES STARVE TO DEATH OR GET PUT IN DEATH CAMPS. SMILE AND DANCE OR WE WILL KILL YOU.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Good part: False entertainment is quite amusing
Bad part: Putin is a mass murdering cunt.
Verdict: Qualify as no one will fuck with Russia.

Hungary: Compact Disco – Sound Of Our Hearts

Really nice drum programming. Wowey! A glorious chorus. GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKER. Good bit of glitch and dubstep synth but not overly reliant on it. Song stands strong on its own and it is beautifuckingful.

I love you Hungary. Also, thank you for Sziget last year. I had the best time ever.

Good part: Makes me reminisces an extraordinary orgasm. The chorus is me cumming.
Bad part:It is not 2 hours long.
Verdict: Qualify

Austria: Trackshittaz – Woki mit deim Popo

Whoa. For a second there seeing Austria and Trackshittaz made me do a doubletake and I thought it said Auschwitz.

Well, maybe not such a bad double-take. This is about as enjoyable. Joyless, soulless and really badly produced.

Good part: It sounds like they’re saying “poo poo.”
Bad part: The more I hear it the more catchy it gets. ARGH, By the night I’ll probably think it’s ace.
Verdict: More fun would be had at Auschwitz.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeny – Lautar

I can’t give you an opinion on this. It could be good. It might be diarrhoea clinging to a smelly bottom. I’ve just been too bombarded with stuff that sounds like this. Feels too long even for 3 minutes. Not enough changes, is boring by the end, just kinda stops. Needed a grand stand finish but instead limps home like a rapist with terminal cancer.

Good part: It is quite jolly.
Bad part: Just feels dead inside.
Verdict: Not qualify

Ireland: Jedward – Waterline

Everyone’s favourite. Still a huge fan of Lipstick insanely. Great pop song. This is much more middle of the road. Not as fun. Feels too serious and not as exciting melody wise. Sounds like it was written for a boy band and then given – inexplicably – to Jedward. Chrous is good but not much else about it does it for me.

Oh and they are still, very much, absolute twats.

Good part: They are ridiculous and hopeless.
Bad part: Not as good as Lipstick.
Verdict: They are on last in the semi final, They will qualify. They will come Top 5.

Serbia: Željko Joksimovic – Nije ljubav stvar

Shit.

Verdict: Sounds like a Lord of the Rings theme with a paedophile singing. Not qualify.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i belo

Same song as Serbia with a woman singing. Finally gets lively halfway through. I like how it builds all the way through. Yeah, okay. Terrible guitar solo though. Doesn’t fit but will be fun for the audience so can’t see it not doing okay.

Verdict: Qualify.

Netherlands: Joan Franka – You And Me

It’s a Joanna Newsom song. Can’t see anyone taking to this. Not a Eurovison song at all and wonderfully ignorable. Crap ending.

Verdict: Not qualify.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This Is The Night

Most obvious song ever. Love it when they put a huge dance beat on and it falls massively flat on stage. Music not loud enough. None of the music sits against the vocals or compliments it. Hugely underwhelming. Hated it.

Verdict: Qualify

Belarus: Litesound – We Are The Heroes

Sounds like the last one. Fuck me, I have to say the second semi final is absolutely conventional shitty Eurovision. This is just like anything else. Music I would never listen to.

HAhahAHhahHAhAH. He said “We are the wieners” on the chorus. HahahAHa. You stupid Belarus dildo chomper. THIS SONG SHOULD BE CALLED WE ARE THE WEINERS.

Chorus is winning/wiening me over.

Verdict: Will qualify will not wien though.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida minha

Ah yes, what we needed was another pathetic sludgefest of accordion. So patronisingly void it’s an empty coffin or a uterus after an abortion.

Verdict: Will not qualify

Ukraine: Gaitana – Be My Guest

Ooh, after a shaky start I quite like the disco/90s dance vibe. Vocal is too FX’d. Shame they tried to do a dubstep wub bass. It is an octave too high. Song is pleasant enough but really it’s just a tune written for Reikartz Hotel adverts or some shit.

Verdict: Will def qualify

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Limited amount of love for this one. Vocals are too nice for a song like this. Very Faithless sounding. Nice bit of shuffle going on with rhythm. Pretty sure it doesn’t work. Definitely sure an audience will not understand it. Feels too stressful for the listener. Nice but try harder.

Verdict: Will not qualify.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

A ballad, per chance? Not much going for it. Very much a film score piece of music. Imagine horses riding into the sunset, or a man and woman in love dancing in a circle. All those clichés. Yep, it’s every Eurovision ballad ever. And while not awful it doesn’t endear itself to me.

Verdict: Top Five.

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

Nah, not feeling anything for this. Absolute nothing of worth here.

Verdict: Will qualify

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Their production is always flawless. Dicks. Again we’re in 90s dance music territory but the arrangement is incredible. Great dynamics. Not sure about change from chorus to verse or middle. A bit cobbled together. That “up-up-up-up” bit reminds me again of Rihanna of course.

Verdict: Qualify and top 3

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m A Joker

Catastrophic fail after Sweden. None of this song works. Has one thing and does it over and over a fucking gain. Bends space and time to make 3 of your minutes as hellishly repulsive as foreignly possible,

Verdict: Comes last.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love Me Back

What I hate most about this is the rapist revealed in the lyrics. We all know stories about Turkish waiters fucking our girlfriends on their summer holidays. This is very much a song about that. It’s very much a “I know you don’t want to but I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU. Later, when you’re crying with cum and blood are dripping out of all your holes and you beg me not to kill you I find some way of reasoning that what I have done was forgivable. After all it was you that lead me on in the first place, wasn’t it?

Disgustingly evil, unrepentantly arrogant and gloatingly sexist. On a level par with Chris Brown and a notch up from Anders Behring Breivik.

Verdict: Aids.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Well. I am listening. And nothing is happening. (1.15)

I suppose that was a chorus. (2:05)

Oh, drums. (2.10)

Don’t care.

Verdict. Qualify.

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t Close Your Eyes

Bon Jovi. Middle of the road rock. As unimaginative as you can picture. Like when the Sterophonics thought they were being rock and roll. Lots of guitar flourishes.

Terrible ending too.

Verdict: Qualify as it’s the only rock song so far.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Oh yes. Much better. Adore that synth hook. Massive chorus. Ticks all the fucking boxes, If they go for an up tempo one this will win by a billion points.

Verdict: Win (uptempo vote)

Bosnia & Herzegovina: MayaSar – Korake ti znam

So, testicle cancer. If you’re a guy you need to be thinking about it. We’re all getting older and you need to check your balls. I myself had a scare earlier this year and it was a seriously daunting time before the scan turned out fine.

Waiting for results and being haunted by your life potentially being changed instantly while putting on a brave face and pretending everything is okay is summed up perfectly by this disease of a song.

Verdict: Malignant.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love Is Blind

Very similar to the last one but vocally more engaging I guess. Sounds like someone remixed this and added lots of badness halfway through. Typical funk bass and four to the floor beat. Shame it didn’t go the full way and include sidechained synths.

Verdict: last song in the semi? Qualify then lose heavily in final

United Kingdom: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love Will Set You Free

What can you say about this? Quite downbeat and melancholy but with little sparks of tenderness. Totally bumsexual and music even your mum wouldn’t listen to. But Engelbert will nail the performance so no worries about that. Could do very well.

Verdict: Top five

France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)

Makes no sense. Muddled beginning. Just plain shit opening to be fair,

Not enough for me to get into. Too skittery and all over the place. Needs to settle and let what they’re trying to express breathe. Too messy.

Verdict: Poked down the plughole with a big toe.

Italy: Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out Of Love)

Very like Lena’s song from two years ago. Very like Amy Winehouse/Duffy 60s sound. As cheap and obvious as a Berlusconi chat up line. And as dull as one of his scandals.

Verdict: Flushed away.

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeva – When The Music Dies

Bad and boring.

Verdict: Mega amount of points.

Spain: Pastora Soler – Quédate conmigo

EXACTLY the same as Azerbanjo for first minute. Chorus is better than Azerbaijans but in the same way a sandwich made out of your dad’s poo would be better than a sandwich made out of David Cameron’s.

Verdict: Awful Awful awful. Probably win for no good reason.

Germany: Roman Lob – Standing Still

Very nice. In fact quite a shock. Usually something I wouldn’t like but overall quite pleasant. Germany always do well so this can’t go too badly wrong. Can’t be harsh about it really.

Verdict: Top five

Top 6 Verdicts in no particular order.
Norway, Sweden, Germany, UK, Hungary, Iceland