Well, I’ll be honest, I couldn’t care less about Eurovision this year. I didn’t even bother watching the second semi final and now I look at what got through I’m pretty glad I didn’t. There is some real waste of your time entries this year. Music that puts your life on hold while you try to make your way through it. Iceland, Germany, France, Lithuania, Estonia, maybe even Portugal.
But at the end of the day: Eurovision will be in Ukraine next year. Maybe buying a ticket to the show will conscript you into the army.
Prepare the Eurovision LGBTQ+ Army for fucking Putin up!
Czech Republic – We Are Domi – “Lights Off”
This is a fantastic one to open. Eurovision have finally found a banger to start things off. For me, this is the best “modern” sounding song in the competition. Even if by modern I mean early 2000s sounding. This kinda fucking kills. I adore that rough synth which I assume is a Moog. Yeah, this is my kind of party music.
Verdict: This is probably my favourite song from the second semi-final. No, you’re the idiot.
Romania – WRS – “Llámame”
The video for this one is the live version with a crowd. I can only assume it was recorded at some sort of brain injury hospital given how much it stinks, yet they are applauding. It feels like an advert for a steakhouse. The dancing is pretty good, I like flexible dancers as you know, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. Just repeats itself and gets a bit forgettable.
If the audience really did enjoy this song then I hope they managed to convince these mentally defunct imbeciles to purchase some cryptocurrency or NFTs.
Verdict: If you own an NFT you are the sort of person who jerks off to babies crying.
Portugal – Maro – “Saudade, saudade”
I’m a sucker for the Rhodes piano and repetitive loops so was immediately drawn into this. Wasn’t sure what Saudade means so assume it means Daddy. However, I’ve just looked it up and it refers to “a melancholic longing or yearning”. So assume it’s about her longing for her Daddy’s cock. That’s how language works right?
Verdict: It’s relatively forgettable and not a patch on some of the other ballads.
Finland – The Rasmus – “Jezebel”
Wait? The Rasmus? Weren’t they a vaguely forgettable nu-metal band from eons ago?
Yes. And it doesn’t sound like they’ve got any better. For me, the flat thump of the snare drum on this ruins the whole thing. I appreciate that is a very unfair criticism so let’s go further: None of the lyrics scan; they often don’t fit the melody, the arrangement is all over the place, the strings are out of place and should have been dropped, and finally, there should be huge glorious female harmonies on the chorus.
Also, if I can just take a moment: I find this song misogynistic and pathetic.
Verdict: Urgh. The soft rock guitars make me a very unhappy lad. Nearly as sad as the singer’s hairline slipping so far to the back of his head.
Switzerland – Marius Bear – “Boys Do Cry”
Hmm. This gives me “first ballad I ever wrote” vibes. Not terrible, just very standard and expected. If you close your eyes now and think “Eurovision ballad” you can hear this song in your head. Looking at the singer I am surprised the song is not called “Boys Go Bi” but never mind.
Verdict: Well, if we’re being serious about this, boys can cry but men don’t, you little bitch.
France – Alvan and Ahez – “Fulenn”
Verdict: Oh, go get sodomised by a baguette.
Norway – Subwoolfer – “Give That Wolf A Banana”
As soon as you see that title you do that “Robot House!” voice in your head from Futurama. “NO-RRR-WAYY! What have you done this year you lunatics?”
And yes, it’s rather wonderful. Maybe a little too stop/start to really smash the competition. It does a lot of changes and stopping instead of just being a straight-on banger. Feels like it was assembled in a music editing studio rather than written. When it hits that chorus it’s pretty great.
Verdict: It’s a delightful load of nonsense that will do even better having followed that absolute turd of a song from France.
Armenia – Rosa Linn – “Snap”
Urgh. I fucking hate this one. I really dislike how the entire vocal line is backed up by a huge crowd. At best this is the song they play on a finale episode on Grey’s Anatomy to make easily touched dumplings weep like babies.
Verdict: And she looks like the offspring of if a Smurf fucked an Elephant. And the Smurf was wearing lipstick.
Nob lipstick.
Italy – Mahmood and Blanco – “Brividi”
Well, aside from him looking like a freak show gimp there is no doubt this is a powerful and beautiful track. Genuinely in love with that smooth bass guitar. To me this is a bit special. Feels more than just a standard Eurovision song, it sort of transcends into something quite haunting.
Verdict: So long as his high vocals don’t come across as silly this will do top 5.
Spain – Chanel – “SloMo”
And the public votes go to? Spain. By miles. You filthy beasts. (Well, maybe a draw with Ukraine.)
That said, I did have to pause the video when she was in that latex swimsuit in the rain just to give it a proper BROWSE.
“A proper browse”
You could also replace the lyric “SloMo” with “Hetero” and it would still be fine.
Verdict: Sticky
Netherlands – S10 – “De diepte”
Here we are. The matured ballad and probably my favourite song yet. Puts Switzerland’s entry back into the Toblerone tube to be used as a sex toy for another year. I can see this doing very well, great to hear her singing in her native language, and her beautiful voice manages to deliver some emotional weight to the song even though I’ve no idea what she’s parping on about.
Verdict: As far as I know she could be singing “Round up all the Ukrainians and put them in the oven” and I’d still love her voice.
Ukraine – Kalush Orchestra – “Stefania”
Oh. I wasn’t expecting this. Poor white boy rapping with a stupid pink hat and some weirdo chanting? Oh hang on, no. I’m starting to feel it. Yes, that chorus really grips into you after the third time, eh? That Beastie Boys “Sureshot” flute hook is absolutely killer too.
Verdict: A deserved winner but worth mentioning that Putin is a lunatic cunt with a very tiny penis.
You’ll not be “putin” that micropenis in anything anytime soon.
Germany – Malik Harris – “Rockstars”
Is this song a German singing about how things were better in the old days? Oh-oh. Better do a quick VAR check:
I mean, putting this one after Ukraine just makes it even more obvious Ukraine win.
Lithuania – Monika Liu – “Sentimentai”
Fuck me. I can’t believe this is in the final and I have to fucking hear this one again. It’s just bang average with a far-too subtle chorus that fails to hit me in the feels. Probably the worst ending too, where it just stops in order to meet the three-minute mark. Assume there is a five-minute edit of this that fades out.
Verdict: The sort of sounds you hear before you realise you’re having a stroke.
Azerbaijan – Nadir Rustamli – “Fade To Black”
This guy’s FUCKING EYEBROWS! They crawl across his face like a sexually transmitted disease at a gangbang.
Fucking yikes.
It’s a well-meaning big ballad which starts slow and builds and builds until at the end it’s pretty huge sounding. Falsetto vocals, thick beats, but then drops it all for a piss poor ending. I would have loved it to just keep going, a huge crescendo that just stops into dead silence. It nearly does that but nah, loses it for me.
Verdict: THOSE FUCKING EYEBROWS.
Belgium – Jérémie Makiese – “Miss You”
After 15 songs this just bleeds into all the other ones. It’s not until the second verse that it evolves past that drool dribble of an opening. I’m not keen on the chorus at all. Sure, his voice is good and I’ll be excited to see him fail live but even then this is nothing to write home about.
Verdict: Just another boring time in Belgium and we voted Leave.
Greece – Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord – “Die Together”
Immediately brings to mind Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. She looks quite a lot like Lorde too. Lorde not Lordi.
This one could absolutely slay at Eurovision. The song is powerful and, with the war in Ukraine in mind, hugely emotional. Just imagine if they show images of war, Ukraine flags, while she’s singing about wanting to die together. Just thinking about that gives me shivers.
And an unbelievably throbbing erection.
Verdict: “THROBBING”
Iceland – Systur – “Með hækkandi sól”
This is one hopeless optimists will call “underrated”. They are wrong. It has been accurately rated as “hopeless”. I just cant’ believe this got to the final either. I genuinely thought Queen Elizabeth had more chance of needing a 2023 calendar than hearing this piece of shit again.
Verdict: I can’t get the foul taste out of my mouth listening to this. This one just disgusts me, like a Lego set of the Dresden bombing or a dog testicle sandwich.
Lego Dresden
Moldova – Zdob și Zdub and Frații Advahov – “Trenulețul”
You write off Moldova at your peril. In recent years they have always delivered.
It’s that folk rock silliness that can’t do anything but put a smile on your face. Even the deeply broken cynic in me is grinning ear to ear hearing this nonsense. I guarantee you’ll be singing this one for ages. It’s one that somehow makes 3 minutes feel like 5 due to the repetition of the chorus which must happen like 12 million times. It’s just a lot of fun.
BUCHAREST!
Verdict: Hey ho*. Let’s go!
* “Ho” in this case is your mum
Sweden – Cornelia Jakobs – “Hold Me Closer”
Fucking boring start. Hope this goes somewhere. Ah, yes, great. A little bit of electro creeping in. Hmm. Not convinced of that chorus. Tries too hard to cram too many words in.
Yeah, I don’t get this one at all. It’s probably the worst Swedish entry for many years. Fucking awful.
Verdict: Her voice grates on me. She sounds like she put her diaphragm in the wrong hole.
Australia – Sheldon Riley – “Not The Same”
Getting a bit samey now. Everyone doing the gender bending thing is unfortunately “YES THE SAME” rather than “not the same”. Their voice is very lovely, they really can sing well and I have no doubt they will kill the live performance. I saw that Sheldon finished third in The Voice Australia and I wasn’t sure if that was an achievement or not. Is that about the same as winning a phone-in competition on Radio Wrexham, comparatively?
Now I’m old I do enjoy watching young people scream into the void about the perceived unfairness they suffer. “I’m not the same” they cry, “I am different! Take me seriously”, and then two years later they’re pushing trolleys around Asda or working as a “dough fluffer” for Warburtons.
Sheldon’s next job.
Verdict: Pretty. Pretty pointless.
United Kingdom – Sam Ryder – “Space Man”
This man is less than an astronaut. He’s just an ass and a nought. Oh I’m kidding, I really like this hippie bastard.
There is a good chance this is our redemption in Eurovision. This is a really fun track with a wonderful arrangement. And, I’m genuinely stunned to say that the lyric that touched me the most in this whole competition is his delivery of: “As long as you’re on the ground I’ll stick around”.
Weirdly, I find myself thinking, “Good luck, Sam”.
Poland – Ochman – “River”
Last couple of years Poland have entered someone who has a right wing haircut. Odd that. Well, moving on, if I grit my teeth hard enough I can get past the “done” and “done” double rhyme and the “king” and “strings” which irks me. The melody itself is quite pleasant and certainly quite catchy. But I can’t forgive that middle bit with all the stupid wailing on. I think the song is about him drowning himself cos his girlfriend drowned herself. Not the full story though is it Ochman? Your girl drowned herself cos she got in trouble and Poland had banned abortions? Well:
Verdict: A bloated corpse, washed up upon the shore of the internet. You thought it was a bald sex doll but it was just Elon Musk without his hairplugs.
Serbia – Konstrakta – “In corpore sano”
So you’ll need subtitles on for this one, because, unbelievably, it’s about Meghan Markle’s hair. Well, the first bit is. It’s just about having a healthy body and is a really oddball song. The kinda odd where you squint your eyes and shake your head. The kinda odd that only strange countries in Europe come out with.
The lyrics are wonderfully specific, and the Serbian language makes it all so beautiful sounding. The “to be healthy” is so damn catchy too. I completely love how weird it is. It needed Dr Steve Brule to appear though.
“Dark spots around lips might mean you have an еnlarged spleen”
Verdict: If ever a song will sink or swim based on its staging and performance it is this one. Let’s see what they do!
Estonia – Stefan – “Hope”
Ah, jolly good. Nonce music.
Be honest now, all you want is someone to add “it’s off to work we go” at the end right? He’s genuinely singing “I ho, I ho” isn’t he? LOL. Dreadful.
Verdict: NONCE. MUSIC.
Summary
Man, I can’t believe they close with that awful Estonia bullshit. Well, as we’re ending on his singing “I Ho, I Ho” I will just add that “it’s off to the Ukraine we go”
Hopefully Putin will be dead for next year, yeah?
Ones I quite like:
Ukraine
United Kingdom
Spain
Italy
Czech Republic
Serbia
Ones I am sad are not in the final:
Croatia
Ireland
Latvia (because it was so bad I wanted you to suffer it too)
Music is Dead 