Eurovision 2018: The United Kingdom entries.

6 Feb


A lot has happened since February last year. I’ve been made redundant and given a sack of cash, travelled to Australia and around Europe, covered the Edinburgh Fringe and Film Festival for The Fountain, recorded a new album with Vulnerable and then got a new job doing something I love. So I figured it’s about time I made my life worse by listening to Eurovision songs.

Goldstone ‘I Feel The Love’

Thin beats and a country-tinged vocal laden with jawdroppingly cliche lyrics. The clap on the chorus is louder than the main melody. In all my years reviewing music I’d never found a song that managed to promote the loss of hearing as a benefit. Goldstone have pulled it off. This has absolutely no worth in any way whatsoever. Maybe in an ISIS training camp.

Chance of representing the UK? More than half the UK are idiots so looks probable. About as likely as David Davis having alzheimer’s.

Asanda ‘Legends’

I’m feeling the horn (NOT LIKE THAT) and the beats for the first verse but then the song starts to morph. Brass stabs and clatterly synth burst out with marching drums. I can definitely feel this one doing a bit better than Goldstone but it would have no chance in the actual contest. That said, one of the writers is called Roel Rats who is Roland Rat’s son and that is definitely not a made up fact.

Chance of representing the UK? Yeah, I could see this coming out on top.

RAYA ‘Crazy’

Sigh. The state of popular music today. Again, the verse on this is completely worthless. The chorus lands well it’s tough to judge. A concrete sandwich is tastier after a shit one. I’d like us to enter a song about driving people crazy as Michel Barnier is probably thinking that about us on a hourly basis.

Chance of representing the UK? =sum(isRAYAhot*howlittleclothingshehason)

Liam Tamne ‘Astronaut’

A nicely filtered acoustic guitar sits with Liam’s vocals. Sure, it’s a slow burner but unlike the first three this doesn’t feel as falsely constructed. I like how the chorus just happens without much of a fanfare and its only on the repeat that we get the fuller sound. Yeah, it’s well arranged and a lovely little song. So what the hell is it doing in this competition?! He had a effortlessly punchable face too.

Chance of representing the UK? AstroNOUGHT

Jaz Ellington ‘You’

Haha, Jizz Ellington. Hmm. Great voice but the song is just one of those filler tracks from the album you only like the hit single from. It’s “different” I guess. And I put quote marks around that because I really meant SHITE.

Chance of representing the UK? More chance of Donald Trump being impeached.

SuRie ‘Storm’

Slow piano then shanty-pop synth chorus. Not particularly entertaining and even more tiresome after hearing the other five entries.

Chance of representing the UK? Zzzzzzz. Sorry I’m asleep. What was the question?


What a sad bunch of gurning arsechuff we’ve come out with this year. The UK music scene is thriving and this is the best we can do? What I don’t get is how most of them flip between sad and slow into happy and pounding. It’s almost like the UK is having insane mood swings and doesn’t know what to do with itself… Hmm.

Anyway, I reckon Asanda will be our entry this year.


3 Responses to “Eurovision 2018: The United Kingdom entries.”

  1. Chris Bellis February 9, 2018 at 9:40 am #

    Highly entertaining as usual, but you were wrong about Asanda. However, I am glad you and all the other social media pundits tipped her. It brought the odds down to insanely low levels, and I bet against her on Betfair and won some money. She was a car crash live. So thanks!

    • ghostsmut February 9, 2018 at 9:52 am #

      Thanks! Yeah the song that won was dreadful but not as dreadful as Asanda’s performance! The winners performance was the best on the night for sure. Defo got Storm down for a bottom 5 finish this year mind.

      • Chris Bellis August 21, 2018 at 11:36 pm #

        A bit late in my reply, but congratulations on the prediction. She was foolish not to go again after the stage invasion though. Could have lifted her out of the bottom five.

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