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Eurovision 2017: The Un-United Kingdom entries

27 Jan

eurovision-you-decide-uk-bbc-1

Well what a year 2016 was for the UK. And by the UK I mean England and Wales the silly useless fuds for voting out of the EU. This could well represent our last Eurovision – mostly because I doubt there’ll be much of a world left in 2018 based on current events.

Danyl Johnson – Light up the World

Urgh. Sounds like Hootie and the Blowfish sung over an arrangement written by a bedroom shut-in who still thought The Streets were relevant. Lyrically tragic and wetter than Donald Trump’s millimetre flabby thrusts into the quivering thighs of his prisoner wife.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Kick Danyl out of the UK.

Olivia Garcia – Freedom Hearts

The theme to Nigel Farage and his whole gang of slobbering numbcunts marching down the street demanding freedom while enslaving anyone who is different. Parallel universe levels of awfulness with the added bonus of being as emotionally unfulfilling as your last three dates.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Get them out for the lads

Salami Mastrioianniioananiiioou – I Don’t Want to Fight

This is more like it. Can’t quite put my finger on which artist this is ripping off but it’s not dreadful. Lyrically it sounds like the current Labour party – making excuses and laying down to the rightwing steamroller rather than being an actual opposition which would get in the way of their tea and biscuits. Anyone in that camp can go open their throats on their mother’s cock.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Phwoooooar. Slobber. Drool.

Nate Simpson – What Are We Made Of

This one is okay. A huge melancholy ballad. That sums up the UK to me. A few transitions between sections are a little jarring and don’t get any better with listens. The end is a glorious tour de force of vocals (for Eurovision) and I think if he pulls that off on the night he has a chance.

It’s very much an Apology For Brexit song with quite a bleak outlook of 2017 Britain. For that I have to give it respect.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Traitor remoaner cuck.

Holly Brewer – I Wish I Loved You More

Note to Holly: 2002 called and asked for it’s song back.

Songs don’t sound like this anymore. It’s a Kelly Clarkson or P!nk b-side. Chorus is okay but verse is porridge. Considering it’s only 3 minutes it feels longer than the rest of them put together. It slows time it’s so dreary. No real climax so it goes on the scrapheap.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Hacks her phone to leak nude pics.

Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You

Now this lady has a beautiful voice. I find that always helps in these song contests. Different pace to the others half expecting that drum and bass break that never comes.

Better than the last decade of Eurovision combined.

Opinion from the EU: She can live here.
Opinion from the UK: Sorry. What was that? I was too busy commenting on Guardian articles with my professional opinion of being a dick.

Final standings then

Lucie Jones
Nate Simpson
Salami Mastrioianniioananiiioou
Danyl Johnson
Holly Brewer
Olivia Garcia

Ps. Fuck the current UK and US government and anyone who supports them.

Stockholm Sindrome – The Final of Eurovision 2016

14 May

Hell, oh again.

After being mostly right about what qualified and what didn’t I thought I’d do a quick overview of the final songs so you can glance through when watching the final. I hope you survive watching the contest.

1 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one opens the show?

Verdict: Another One Bites the Dust mixed with early Girls Aloud.
Top 5: No

2 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.A better title is “I Can’t Stand It”

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Top 5: Coma

3 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Top 5: Probably

4 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

This one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really, really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Top 5: Yes

5 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Also he is rather hot. I want to make his eyes look like creampied-vaginas.

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Top 5: Yes

6 – ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No and if you like it I recommend you take a bath with your toaster

7 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Top 5: Flushed away.

8 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Top 5: No

9 – SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

On second listen before the final it is quite nice. I just wanted something more. It’s very subtle and quite talky. Amongst the mix of terribleness though this one could jump out and surprise us.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: Good performance = yes

10 – GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict: 
Top 5: No

11 – FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes & one of my favourites

12 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

This one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Top 5: Heinous.

13 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Top 5: It’s a favourite for some reason. People are dumb.

14 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this is rock Eurovision. Like Zeromancer or that rockier Apoptygma Berzerk record. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Top 5: Yes I think so

15 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Top 5: Bosnian war crimes

16 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Top 5: Absolutely never

17 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Top 5: Nope.

18 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Top 5: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

19 – SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. So coming after the absolute favourite basically bones it I’d say. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing, but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

20 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Top 5: I really hope so.

21 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: Marmite song – either top 5 or bottom 5.

22 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

If your ears are still working properly after 21 tracks you may like this one. A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Top 5: Yes

23 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Okay this is the bit where you want to turn the whole thing off. I love this one because it’s such a jumble sale of nonsense. But you know, it’s nice to have something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

You know what.This should never have qualified. The fact it has gives me faith. Fuck it, yes, this will win. LOL

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints probably
Top 5: 200-1? I’ll take that each way. Just in case… 

24 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Top 5: Dismembered and on fucking fire in a wheely bin if there is any good left in the world

25 – UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that our government tried to decline thousands of refugee children access to the UK the other week.

Verdict: Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.
Top 5: No

26 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Top 5: No

BUMMARY

So I reckon unless some shit ballad wins you’re probably looking at these:

France
Azerbaijan  200-1 now? Was the semi-final that bad? Actually no chance!
Cyprus
Hungary
Malta

Won’t win but will be second or third:

Netherlands
Russia
Australia

I have no idea what is going on and this one should not be in the contest at all so it might win by accident:

Georgia

 

Eurovision – Stockholm, Sweden 2016

30 Apr

eurovision-2016-logo

Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.

2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.

The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.

So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!

I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!

SEMI-FINAL 1

1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away

A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.

Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO

Verdict: JOYOUS
Final: Yes

2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land

After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.

Verdict: Argos homo delivery
Final: No

3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars

Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.

Verdict: Mol-NO-va
Final: No

4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Final: Yes

5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final

6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Final: Yes

7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Final: Yes

8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know

Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.

Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
Final: No

9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Splurge.

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.

11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win

12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Final: No

13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play

Another
Boring
Ballad
By
Some
Daft
Cunt
Who
Doesn’t
Matter

That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.

Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
Final: No

14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win

15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing

Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.

Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again

16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling

A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.

Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win

17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je

Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?

No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.

Verdict: Snooze
Final: No

18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Final: Yes

SEMI-FINAL 2

It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.

1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Final: Yes

2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Final: Yes

3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind

Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.

Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.

4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.

5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly

What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.

That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.

Verdict: JUST DULL
Final: No

6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Final: No

7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.

Disgusting and wrong.

Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
Final: Yes

8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona

A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.

Verdict: Dona kebab
Final: No

9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Final: Yes

10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Final: Yes

11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red

A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.

Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
Final: Yes

12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence

Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.

Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..

Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest

13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Final: No

14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love

Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.

Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
Final: Yes

15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: No

16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker

About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.

I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.

Verdict: No-Way
Final: No

17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
Final: Yes

18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.

Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
Final: Yes

19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.

Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
Final: Yes

SOME OTHER CUNTS

All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.

FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes

GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict:
Top 5: No

ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No

SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No

UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.

Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes

Summary

A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:

My Faves

ICELAND
FRANCE
FINLAND
AZERBAIJAN
UNITED KINGDOM

Outsiders

LITHUANIA
HUNGARY
CYPRUS
GEORGIA
BELGIUM

Worst songs that will probably win

RUSSIA
CROATIA
SWEDEN

Eurovision 2016: The UK Entries

22 Feb

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I am sick with fever so what better punishment to inflict on my body than to listen to all the UK entries into Eurovision 2016? That’ll teach my body to stop being so useless and weak.

As we have allowed the infested colon of the music industry to pick our songs for the last couple of years I notice we have lost heavily. Therefore they have decided to let the infested colon of the British public pick the next song instead. Don’t know why they don’t just stick ’em on Spotify and whichever one streams the most, pick that?

To make it more fun for myself I have also considered each song from a political perspective and how it could be perceived by the rest of Europe. Anyway, here are my thoughts on this years crop of forget-me-nows:

Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Starts off a bit ghost town. Vocals are very so-so – nice and strong but her voice itself hasn’t enough charisma or character to be a winner. Sure, chorus is grandiose nonsense but the verse is just unbearable beige from Planet Emptiness. Sounds like something that Katrina and the Waves would have entered 20 years ago and really has no place here.

Political Reaction
As we sit on our pillars of gold iPhones, slamming the gates in the faces of migrants, the key message Europe needs to hear from us right now is “shine a little light on me”. As per usual with millennial songs it’s selfish and vile.

Karl William Lund – Miracle
Sounds like it was written on a Fisher-Price My First Little Piano. Quite naff kick drum driving the song along. As expected the chorus is nice, a little bit Hurts, but the lyrics are confusing and emotionally detached.

The end is a real let-down – no bombastic double run of the chorus like you’d expect or hope for here. Not a contender in any way.

Political Reaction
He’s ginger so clearly the worst type of British monster. We’d be invaded for sending this.

Matthew James – A Better Man
Smooth fucking vocals on this bad boy. Cheesy space fx too. Little kick of drum and bass before the chorus is a nice touch. Never gets spectacular with quite a downplayed chorus that I really rather appreciate after the two earlier turds.

Political Reaction
This could go some way towards making amends for our European missteps. Sure, it doesn’t say “sorry we bombed Syria, invaded Iraq for no reason, think we’re important when our country is a gobby stinkhole” or any of the other things any sane person from the UK would say if forced to justify political decisions our country has made, but it at least it says we’re trying to be better.

Darline – Until Tomorrow
Urgh. Country-infused-pop. The worst genre of all time. Bar nothing. Sampling a man being castrated by ISIS and then putting it through a vocoder would be more pleasant on the ear than mothercunting country-infused-pop.  That banjo is so hideous it wilts the foundation of the human spirit. The twee nothingness of the vocals creates a black hole of words that combine into a vortex of emptiness. Staggeringly bleak, like seeing the pale faces of your children stare at you through the back windshield, pounding on the glass, as you stand ashore watching the car sink into the ocean.

Political Reaction
It kinda sums up the UK’s ego quite well. Desperately being helped to our feet by wealthier nations and then when we think we’re okay again pretending we don’t need anyone.

Dulcima – When You Go
While I really wanted to just say “First syllable: DULL” I can’t. I like this one. It reminds me of The Wonderstuff bizarrely. I don’t think this has any chance to win over the type of people who’ll be voting in the UK, but I think it would have a lot more of a chance in Eurovision than any of the other ones so far in the final. I adore both vocals even if the lyrics are a little bit simple. It’s the only one I’ve listened to twice.

Political Reaction
Lyrics like “It was you and me at the start”, “Don’t make this difficult” and “Meet you in the dark” feel like they’re nearly an apology and may go some way to repairing our broken image in Europe so that could work.

Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Um. This is autotuned to fuck. How are these vacuous haircut Thunderbird puppets gonna win when they have to perform live? The song has a great arrangement though – that high guitar drowned in reverb is lush. I CANNOT believe they use “oh oh oh” to finish some of their rhymes: lazy Songwriting 101 lessons for you two.

I think it’s likely this is the one to beat. I don’t like it as much and it has no chance at all to win Eurovision, but based on what poses for talent according to the flaccid corpse of the UKs music scene I’d expect us to enter this one.

Political Reaction
Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.

Final standings then
Dulcima – When You Go
Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Matthew James – A Better Man
Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Karl William Lund – Miracle

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you back here when I do my annual review of all the other Eurovision songs as my small way of bringing misery to the only thing you love.

Eurovision Song Contest – Vienna 2015

11 Apr

Vienna2015_logo

What up Europhiles (and those in Australia and Israel). How’s it going you gigantic bunch of unflushable turds? When I first started writing these many years ago I never thought I’d still be doing it or that more people than ever would be reading them. So with that said let’s turn on the stereo and listen to what awfulness Eurovision 2015 has to offer. As always I will be listening to them in Semi Final 1 and 2 order.

Deep breath. Here we go…

SEMI-FINAL 1

1. MOLDOVA – Eduard Romanyuta – I Want Your Love

So far, so 90s. It’s very honky. WAH WAH WAH WAH like all the fucking time. A whole song built on “-er” rhymes – except the one that counts: “wank-er”. Chorus is not bad but that incessant beat that goes through the verse and chorus stops it ever actually peaking. All the choruses are the same too – no change in what it does.

Looking at the name I cannot believe that was a man singing though – mind you, when I see the name Eduard all I can think of is that willy woofter from Twilight.

Qualify

2. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow

First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was this written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.

Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?

Not qualify

3. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside

Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up. Certainly the best out of the first three.

Oh, sorry, I’ve been told she is a he. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.

Not qualify

4. NETHERLANDS – Trijntje Oosterhuis – Walk Along

Of course you’ll like this one. You’re an idiot. You still listen to Left of the Middle by Natalie Imbruglia. You know how I know you’re definitely an idiot? You’re reading a blog on Eurovision.

Qualify

5. FINLAND – Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivat – Aina mun pitää

Imagine if you gave a hungry tramp an electric guitar and a bottle of White Lightning cider and promised him a million pounds in cash if he wrote and performed a song for you right now – this is the song he would sing.

Then you would hose him down with piss.

Qualify

6. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath

Sneering snort of laughter.

Oh fuck off.

I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.

Qualify

7. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.

Not qualify

8. MACEDONIA – Daniel Kajmakoski – Autumn Leaves

Speaking of TV shows, this is the montage music from a finale scene in House MD. The chorus begins to peel away that schmaltz though and I enjoy the way it’s ever morphing into something else. I won’t say it builds as I don’t think it does, it’s just very playful with its arrangement. Yeah, you know what, this one is good, maybe great. Not a winner for sure, but a solid song with some nice beats thrown in.

Wild card. This is the best one so far.

Qualify

9.; SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.

And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty in what is a blatant attempt to bring a moment of joy to a nation of dead eyed child killers.

Not qualify

10. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing

FART SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH

Not qualify

11. BELARUS – Uzari & Maimuna – Time

Standard Eurovision here. Deep house beginnings and wonderfully uptempo. You know the chorus is coming from a mile off but as it keeps changing I found it pretty enjoyable. Loved the violin in the break too. Could be massive based on what I’ve heard so far – probably the only one that has a great drive to it.

Qualify

12. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices

Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace. It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.

Qualify

13. DENMARK – Anti Social Media – The Way You Are

Ah, it’s Scouting for Retards again! Seriously, is this a thing now? That happy clappy everything is fine Dodgy sound from 1990. Is that coming back now? I hope the video is them dancing in an immigration detention camp and showing pictures of them poking holes in paper cut out cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad with their nobs.

Qualify

14. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive

Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.

Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.

Not qualify

15. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)

Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.

Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.

Qualify

16. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior

Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to be last and reckon that’ll help it qualify. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.

Tip: don’t write a song called Warrior when Ke$ha has an album called that and it’s better than anything you could even consider writing.

Qualify

SEMI-FINAL 2

1. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time

I’m feeling hate. I want blood. Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.

Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.

Not qualify

2. IRELAND – Molly Sterling – Playing With Numbers

“They tied my arms but I cut through.” So this one is about being kidnapped by the IRA and celebrates the Stockholm syndrome that had developed between her and Gerry Adams.

This is so ineffectual it’s an Ed Miliband speech. Remember, I mentioned him before? He’s a cunt.

Qualify

3. SAN MARINO – Michele Perniola & Anita Simoncini – Chain Of Lights

It’s just a heal the world song that has the opposite effect – mostly by promoting the mass execution of everyone in San Marino. And let’s face it, if you can’t get peace right in a country as small as San Marino with its population of 6 people then I think it’s fair to say the world is fucked.

Lyrically and musically it’s as exhausting and horrendous as trying to clean your butt when tapeworm are poking through your anal muscles and each wipe sends echoes of pain throughout your body and makes you want to die.

Not qualify

4. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio

After being punished aurally by the last 2 songs and bludgeoned with dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.

Qualify

5. MALTA – Amber – Warrior

What, hang on, another one called Warrior. Is this the Ultimate Warrior?

Yes it is. Because it’s FUCKING DEAD.

Qualify

6. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.

Qualify

7. PORTUGAL – Leonor Andrade – Há um mar que nos separa

Interesting at last. Thank Satan. There’s a rough cut of a dirty electro song with some ill-placed vocals but then the chorus is just a dialed-in Coldplay middle-of-the-road-but-with-several-doggy-plops-alongside-it. Oh, it appears that Coldgay-plop-plop is probably what the band wanted and that slightly edgier verse is thanks to a producer I imagine. Rest of the song stays in snooze mode. Couldn’t even be bothered to finish the song and all the band leave as she says the final line. Assume they went on a siesta.

Not qualify

8. CZECH REPUBLIC – Marta Jandová & Václav Noid Bárta – Hope Never Dies

Like the Green Party – shows some potential early on but concentrates its efforts on what it’s saying and not how it’s saying it so no one cares.

Not qualify

9. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.

(Obviously, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.)

Qualify

10. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected

Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.

Not qualify.

11. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf

BACK TO REALITY THEN.

Less than 1% good. Dialed-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.

Qualify

12. ICELAND – María Ólafs – Unbroken

Definitely an improvement. Nicely produced vocals and a smooth arrangement including some solid beats that give this a bit more sparkle.

Noticing a lot of dark/light/shadow metaphors. Let’s be fair Iceland if you want to move into the light I’d suggest moving the fuck out of Iceland. Or at least pay your electric bill.

Qualify

13. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes

Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.

I do like their Lego too.

Qualify

14. SWITZERLAND – Mélanie René – Time To Shine

There is a lot of songs this year that have a great verse and a chorus that doesn’t quite meet expectations. I’m glad this one works. Bit of a clumsy ending. But I do like the way it never gives any section enough time. Guitar solo? Snipped after 30 secs! Onto the next bit. Snipped after 30 seconds. Someone should do that with Nigel Farage’s speeches. And then his throat.

Qualify

15. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done

No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”

Qualify

16. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You

Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, not much to say here started thinking about the general election who are you going to vote for not sure myself probably greens or snp maybe snp have done some good stuff in scotland and it would be funny for labour to get the kicking it deserves for deserting the workers but greens are probably more where my beliefs are need to put some more thought into that fuck tory lib dem labour and ukip basically oh song has finished.

Not qualify

17. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love

A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.

Not qualify

Finalists

For some reason, the worst countries in the world are allowed to skip the semi finals and inflict their horseshit music unquestioned by the rest of the Euroscum. I find that weird. Especially this year as there is some real shit here:

AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again

Australia? Why are you in?!

Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine. If you weren’t being an utter selfish cunt. After electing Tony Abbott the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master and seeing him spout anti-gay anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Then you’d have to get off your fucking ass and fight this cunt. But no, you just sit there and pretend it’s all not happening. You lardy kangaroo fucker.

As with Israel, ignoring my political thinking, the song is uptempo and fun and actually quite ok. It sickens me.

AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours

Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.

Oh, unless the guy cuts his dick off and puts it into a hot dog bun for Conchita to munch on?

FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas

Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.

(Edited to remove original bad taste joke.)

GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke

[Unfair comment redacted]

Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.

ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore

Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.

SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer

Fucking hell. All of these finalists are the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. None of them would have qualified if they didn’t get automatic entry.

UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You

HEY EUROPE! WE STILL THINK WE’RE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE MASTERS! OH YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, EH? HAVE A BIT OF GEORGE OSBORNE’S SHRIVELED BALLSAC TO CHEW ON WHILE WE RAPE YOUR EARS OUT.

Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.

———–

So then. What will win?

Simplest answer: Sweden by a fucking mile. Wait till you see the laser 3d stage show. So put some money on that now – odds will be pish but right now you’ll get double what you put on it.

What I fink (favourites and wildcard outliars)
1. Sweden
2. Latvia
3. Belarus
4. Belgium
5. Russia

Lastly, if Czech Republic get through the semi finals put money on them to come last in the final.