Tag Archives: You Decide

Eurovision 2018: The United Kingdom entries.

6 Feb


A lot has happened since February last year. I’ve been made redundant and given a sack of cash, travelled to Australia and around Europe, covered the Edinburgh Fringe and Film Festival for The Fountain, recorded a new album with Vulnerable and then got a new job doing something I love. So I figured it’s about time I made my life worse by listening to Eurovision songs.

Goldstone ‘I Feel The Love’

Thin beats and a country-tinged vocal laden with jawdroppingly cliche lyrics. The clap on the chorus is louder than the main melody. In all my years reviewing music I’d never found a song that managed to promote the loss of hearing as a benefit. Goldstone have pulled it off. This has absolutely no worth in any way whatsoever. Maybe in an ISIS training camp.

Chance of representing the UK? More than half the UK are idiots so looks probable. About as likely as David Davis having alzheimer’s.

Asanda ‘Legends’

I’m feeling the horn (NOT LIKE THAT) and the beats for the first verse but then the song starts to morph. Brass stabs and clatterly synth burst out with marching drums. I can definitely feel this one doing a bit better than Goldstone but it would have no chance in the actual contest. That said, one of the writers is called Roel Rats who is Roland Rat’s son and that is definitely not a made up fact.

Chance of representing the UK? Yeah, I could see this coming out on top.

RAYA ‘Crazy’

Sigh. The state of popular music today. Again, the verse on this is completely worthless. The chorus lands well it’s tough to judge. A concrete sandwich is tastier after a shit one. I’d like us to enter a song about driving people crazy as Michel Barnier is probably thinking that about us on a hourly basis.

Chance of representing the UK? =sum(isRAYAhot*howlittleclothingshehason)

Liam Tamne ‘Astronaut’

A nicely filtered acoustic guitar sits with Liam’s vocals. Sure, it’s a slow burner but unlike the first three this doesn’t feel as falsely constructed. I like how the chorus just happens without much of a fanfare and its only on the repeat that we get the fuller sound. Yeah, it’s well arranged and a lovely little song. So what the hell is it doing in this competition?! He had a effortlessly punchable face too.

Chance of representing the UK? AstroNOUGHT

Jaz Ellington ‘You’

Haha, Jizz Ellington. Hmm. Great voice but the song is just one of those filler tracks from the album you only like the hit single from. It’s “different” I guess. And I put quote marks around that because I really meant SHITE.

Chance of representing the UK? More chance of Donald Trump being impeached.

SuRie ‘Storm’

Slow piano then shanty-pop synth chorus. Not particularly entertaining and even more tiresome after hearing the other five entries.

Chance of representing the UK? Zzzzzzz. Sorry I’m asleep. What was the question?


What a sad bunch of gurning arsechuff we’ve come out with this year. The UK music scene is thriving and this is the best we can do? What I don’t get is how most of them flip between sad and slow into happy and pounding. It’s almost like the UK is having insane mood swings and doesn’t know what to do with itself… Hmm.

Anyway, I reckon Asanda will be our entry this year.


Eurovision 2016: The UK Entries

22 Feb


I am sick with fever so what better punishment to inflict on my body than to listen to all the UK entries into Eurovision 2016? That’ll teach my body to stop being so useless and weak.

As we have allowed the infested colon of the music industry to pick our songs for the last couple of years I notice we have lost heavily. Therefore they have decided to let the infested colon of the British public pick the next song instead. Don’t know why they don’t just stick ’em on Spotify and whichever one streams the most, pick that?

To make it more fun for myself I have also considered each song from a political perspective and how it could be perceived by the rest of Europe. Anyway, here are my thoughts on this years crop of forget-me-nows:

Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Starts off a bit ghost town. Vocals are very so-so – nice and strong but her voice itself hasn’t enough charisma or character to be a winner. Sure, chorus is grandiose nonsense but the verse is just unbearable beige from Planet Emptiness. Sounds like something that Katrina and the Waves would have entered 20 years ago and really has no place here.

Political Reaction
As we sit on our pillars of gold iPhones, slamming the gates in the faces of migrants, the key message Europe needs to hear from us right now is “shine a little light on me”. As per usual with millennial songs it’s selfish and vile.

Karl William Lund – Miracle
Sounds like it was written on a Fisher-Price My First Little Piano. Quite naff kick drum driving the song along. As expected the chorus is nice, a little bit Hurts, but the lyrics are confusing and emotionally detached.

The end is a real let-down – no bombastic double run of the chorus like you’d expect or hope for here. Not a contender in any way.

Political Reaction
He’s ginger so clearly the worst type of British monster. We’d be invaded for sending this.

Matthew James – A Better Man
Smooth fucking vocals on this bad boy. Cheesy space fx too. Little kick of drum and bass before the chorus is a nice touch. Never gets spectacular with quite a downplayed chorus that I really rather appreciate after the two earlier turds.

Political Reaction
This could go some way towards making amends for our European missteps. Sure, it doesn’t say “sorry we bombed Syria, invaded Iraq for no reason, think we’re important when our country is a gobby stinkhole” or any of the other things any sane person from the UK would say if forced to justify political decisions our country has made, but it at least it says we’re trying to be better.

Darline – Until Tomorrow
Urgh. Country-infused-pop. The worst genre of all time. Bar nothing. Sampling a man being castrated by ISIS and then putting it through a vocoder would be more pleasant on the ear than mothercunting country-infused-pop.  That banjo is so hideous it wilts the foundation of the human spirit. The twee nothingness of the vocals creates a black hole of words that combine into a vortex of emptiness. Staggeringly bleak, like seeing the pale faces of your children stare at you through the back windshield, pounding on the glass, as you stand ashore watching the car sink into the ocean.

Political Reaction
It kinda sums up the UK’s ego quite well. Desperately being helped to our feet by wealthier nations and then when we think we’re okay again pretending we don’t need anyone.

Dulcima – When You Go
While I really wanted to just say “First syllable: DULL” I can’t. I like this one. It reminds me of The Wonderstuff bizarrely. I don’t think this has any chance to win over the type of people who’ll be voting in the UK, but I think it would have a lot more of a chance in Eurovision than any of the other ones so far in the final. I adore both vocals even if the lyrics are a little bit simple. It’s the only one I’ve listened to twice.

Political Reaction
Lyrics like “It was you and me at the start”, “Don’t make this difficult” and “Meet you in the dark” feel like they’re nearly an apology and may go some way to repairing our broken image in Europe so that could work.

Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Um. This is autotuned to fuck. How are these vacuous haircut Thunderbird puppets gonna win when they have to perform live? The song has a great arrangement though – that high guitar drowned in reverb is lush. I CANNOT believe they use “oh oh oh” to finish some of their rhymes: lazy Songwriting 101 lessons for you two.

I think it’s likely this is the one to beat. I don’t like it as much and it has no chance at all to win Eurovision, but based on what poses for talent according to the flaccid corpse of the UKs music scene I’d expect us to enter this one.

Political Reaction
Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.

Final standings then
Dulcima – When You Go
Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Matthew James – A Better Man
Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Karl William Lund – Miracle

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you back here when I do my annual review of all the other Eurovision songs as my small way of bringing misery to the only thing you love.