YES I KNOW I ALREADY PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE ON EUROVISION. But that other article lists all the songs from the semi/flaccid finals which on Saturday you just won’t care about. So here are my thoughts repackaged and in order for you to look at while you watch. Please feel free to steal any lines you think are funny and tweet them.
Tweet and abuse me on the night: @ghostsmut
1. UKRAINE – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock
It’s like pop from 2010 when pop was good. I was hoping for a Ke$ha cover but this will do. Fun and has whistling (everything in Eurovision that has whistling is a keeper). Makes me want to dance and do that thing with my floppy bit.
I thought this would win but it being on first makes that a little more unlikely. You’ll have forgotten it after 25 more awfulness. It being first should mean it’ll get points by default and I have money each way on it. Think Top 5.
Additionally, if this gets a higher place than Russia then she’ll be put in that hamster wheel and forced to generate power for all of Crimea.
2. BELARUS – Teo – Cheesecake
Actually has dj-scratching on it. Oh Belarus your fourth world country is so amusing to us. Weird to say you’re ‘not like Patrick Swayze’ – to be honest I’m sure if you dug him up he’d have the consistency of a cheesecake.
It sounds like a boyband on the edge of break up and one step away from selling their tender buttholes for a last record deal.
I have money on this one to come in last.
3. AZERBAIJAN – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire
Delicately straddles the line between boring and beautiful. Bold and wonderful.
Sandwiched earlier between an awful track from Belarus and some obvious Eurovision tat from Iceland this song may shine.
Drinking game: do a shot every time you see gymnast cameltoe.
4. ICELAND – Pollapönk – No Prejudice
I liked the stuttering bit but that’s only because I enjoy laughing at disabled folk.
Basically, it’s Scouting For Retards.
Stunned that this got through to the finals. Your life will be better if you just hold your breath for 3 minutes. Cos you’ll be dead.
5. NORWAY – Carl Espen – Silent Storm
The 65th song of this contest to begin with a single piano. Originality has always been a problem in this competition. Man, if this song explodes into guitar rock I’ll be very disappointed. Waits. Hey you know what? It doesn’t. Congratualtions! Thanks for sticking with your genre.
Even if that genre was listening to a man whose arse is made out of sandpaper taking a huge dump.
6. ROMANIA – Paula Seling & Ovi – Miracle
Side chain synths instead of chainsaw death screams. Runs out of ideas by two minutes but you can never ignore a male and female duet. I was correct that it got into the final but I still think it’s weaker than Oscar Pistorius’s defence plea.
7. ARMENIA – Aram MP3 – Not Alone
This was the favourite until the guy absolutely sang the opening really really badly in the semi final. If he sings it well this time then it could still work – especially after that 3 minute club banger that preceded it. Good old electric piano to begin with. Fair is fair. The song starts as a lovely sub-Lionel Richie ballad. But what’s this? Seems like they didn’t want to risk a slow piano song for the full 3 minutes and it explodes.
I’m concerned that the side chain synth stuff from Romania’s entry will make the crescendo of this one sound samey. It’s rather lovely on the mp3 but how it comes across on your TV set will make all the difference.
I think it will struggle and Aram MP3’s nerves will get the better of him. If not, big chance.
8. MONTENEGRO – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj svijet
Ah, pan pipes in Eurovision. The sound of winners!
This really has nothing going for it. It’s 200-1. Instead, just close your eyes for three minutes and imagine squeezing Nigel Farage’s ballsac until it turns blue then black and then twisting it off.
9. POLAND – Donatan & Cleo – My Slowanie (We Are Slavic)
Ah, much better. Shouty girl hip hop. It’s a bit Hey Mickey and My Humps but I think it’d work better if it had a deep house bassline underneath it. Nice middle bit though that doesn’t fit in the slightest. Could be worse. Could be sung by the Black Eyed Peas.
10. GREECE – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – Rise Up
Are you allowed to use autotune on your voice in Eurovision? If not, these lot are in trouble. Sounds alright otherwise. Repetitive, catchy and forgettable. Feels like entering Cotton Eye Joe into a Classical music competition though. Like the idiotic ear-aids that you hear pumping from a Honda Civic boyracer as it speeds through an amber light nearly killing a pensioner.
11. AUSTRIA – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix
Now then. This is how to do a piano ballad. Like a James Bond theme mixed with a marching band. I’m guessing I should hate this?
Oh and yes, this is the bit you can bring your transphobia to the table and all laugh at the bearded woman. Well done. For me, I respect this a lot more. There’s no novelty in the song – it’s a proper song! Sure, if this sounded like Iceland’s entry I’d agree this was a joke but it doesn’t appear to be. Also, through a mixture of antics and, you know, having a good song this is the joint favourite.
12. GERMANY – Elaiza – Is It Right
If you like the abomination to music that is Pink! then you’ll like this because she sounds EXACTLY like her.
Personally, I find it slightly less exciting than going into Vision Express to browse for bifocal glasses for your grandmother.
13. SWEDEN – Sanna Nielsen – Undo
These Swedes always seem to give their songs a certain amount of gravitas. Saying that, it’s just a better quality version of Armenia’s song and even then it could be a cover of Anastasia. Money on this for each way obviously but it doesn’t quite make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
Worse, I just googled her picture and it didn’t make anything else stand up either.
Still it’s the joint favourite with Austria. Meh.
14. FRANCE – Twin Twin – Moustache
Hey France, you do some great hip hop. I heard it in La Haine. I listen to it. THIS IS NOT IT. Baffling atrocious. Manages to make 3 minutes feel like a 30 year war.
TWIN TWIN TOWERS more like.
15. RUSSIA – Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine
If I was Ukrainian I’d be putting my borders back up based on this song. Whilst it’s an interesting insight into the propaganda machine coming from Russia it’s also like someone giving you a box of chocolates after raping the bullet hole in your mother’s forehead.
Will be interesting to see the political voting on this one. Some from those who are ex-Soviet Union, those who hate Russia and those who are paedophiles.
16. ITALY – Emma – La mia città
Impressed this isn’t an awful ballad. Got a bit of rock to it. Like Finland’s entry but with a decent distortion setting. Probably the only genuine rock song so maybe can’t be ignored. Potentially all this ballad, pop dubstep nonsense will sound the same in the final and this could shine.
Yeah right. Only kidding. Some butt nugget of a song will win. This has no chance.
17. SLOVENIA – Tinkara Kovac – Round And Round
BOOM! This one is great from the off. Solid production and a fine, fine chorus. Maybe a little understated and could just be something on the radio but yeah, high hopes for this.
Which shows how much I know as it’s 150-1. Which makes no sense compared to ICELAND.
18. FINLAND – Softengine – Something Better
Finland has found middle of the road rock music. It sounds like a recent A-Ha record. The members are all 17-19 years old. What the hell happened Finland? I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your education system. Why aren’t these guys in jail for dressing like trolls and burning churches down. Very disappointed.
Pop rock with gang shouts and all other genre clichés. Can’t fucking stand it. If you still like guitar pop from the 90’s this will be your favourite song. It’s also why no one listens to your music recommendations anymore and your playlists on Spotify all have zero listeners.
19. SPAIN – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain
Oh thanks Spain. Just enter the Genocide of Music as your entry. Fucking wonderful.
This is a reason to vote for UKIP.
20. SWITZERLAND – Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars
A song condoning the hunting and murder of celebrities. Not really. But it should be!
On record it all sounds a little pathetic but I’m sure in the stadium this may have a certain appeal…
To the kind of people who put Cadbury’s Creme eggs up their arse and poop them into their children’s’ mouths.
21. HUNGARY – András Kállay-Saunders – Running
Ooh. Like this a lot. Strained and vulnerable vocals. Sounds like we could have a strong contender here… Oh no, amen break beats almost tip it into kitsch. Saying that, it’s growing on me a lot. Second chorus arrangement is interesting and certainly plays down the beats. Love the way it runs into it’s ending. Yeah, awesome. I think.
I want this to win. It won’t.
22. MALTA – Firelight – Coming Home
Fleetwood Mac-aroni cheesy bellends.
I think this one and Netherlands (later) are similar in the way they are very different from the other songs. This stands out. I just think they forgot to put a chorus on it. No chance.
23. DENMARK – Basim – Cliché Love Song
More whistling. Hard to dismiss this or criticise when it’s called Cliché Love Song. I do know a few songs I’d like more if they were called ANOTHER BORING BALLAD.
I really do like this – mostly because everything in my very soul says I should absolutely hate it. Has ‘hit of the summer’ written all over it. Instead, they entered it into Eurovision and now no one will want it.
They should have entered Everything Is Awesome though, those Lego-making-dildohats.
24. NETHERLANDS – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm
This is just With or Without You or Every Breath You Take. Nice slide guitar to give it a bit of a country influence. Based on what’s popular right now that’s pretty brave. Nothing particularly strong. Just potters along and stops.
This is the song to watch. Like Malta this is the most obvious “NOT A STANDARD EUROVISION SONG”. However, does that mean it’s a great song? I don’t know. It’s nice but when you sit back and consider it – nothing happens. It doesn’t do anything. It’s just nice. And that’s why it won’t win.
25. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Maybe (Forse)
This is her third attempt to qualify and the stupid piece of sputum only went and qualified. Bah. And with a song that has NOTHING going for it. No chorus, not even a memorable vocal melody in the verse. Poor, poor and just Poo.
Fingers crossed for null points.
26. UNITED KINGDOM – Molly – Children Of The Universe
However, San Marino get to separate the UK from that rather good but bland Netherland song. Which I think will make both songs stand out more. And hey you know what? The UK entry is not too bad. Pretentious and full of itself – like everyone in the UK. Yeah, I like this. We’ve finally entered a song rather than a pop distraction. Great drop before the first chorus too.
Just needs to wave a flag saying PUTIN LICKS HORSE SCHLONG for a few more votes.
Having the UK on last with a song that is basically a massive sing-along like Earth Song puts us in an interesting place. I think it will be close but if you’ve got money I’d put an each-way on this. It’ll be in the top 5 I think. Odds are currently 9-1.
My Top 6 – and no, even though Slovenia will not be in the Top 6 I’m still not taking them out.
- United Kingdom
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