The winner of this year’s Eurovision is Ukraine. It was before we even got to hear the songs. I’ve not heard it yet but assume it’ll be alright and therefore will win.
I’m only half serious – I think that, outside the sympathy vote for Ukraine, someone else could do it. I think it will still have to somehow echo the Ukraine war though, perhaps a song about loss or something like that? All that said, it would be funny if some silly honky-honk dance banger wins as everyone knows gays have no moral conscience. Well, that’s what Putin told me anyway.
But you don’t come here to listen to me tell you who will win, do you? No. You come to read my unfair thoughts about all the participating countries, don’t you?
Well. Here we, here we, here we fucking go.
(Oh, and please note. If you click the Semi Final headers it will take you to the YouTube playlist where you can check them out.)
SEMI FINAL 1
Albania – Ronela Hajati – “Sekret”
Video opens with a hitchhiker being picked up by a woman. Let’s hope his “sekret” isn’t being a serial killer.
Oh yikes. After hearing the song I hope he is. Will stop me hearing any more of it.
Hmm, yeah, so it’s oh-kay.
Verdict: At best it sounds like a heard-it-a-million-times-before Eurovision song and at worst it’s some mumblings over a fart whistle.
Final: NO
Latvia – Citi Zēni – “Eat Your Salad”
Haha. Okay, where to start with this one? This is a environmentalist one which somehow links being eco to being good with the ladies. On reflection, maybe equating women to vegetables is not the great take you thought it was.
“Bend over, then jiggle that peach. You’re recycling while I‘m loving those cheeks” is probably the best lyric in the competition.
Latvia is governed by Princess Peach and the band are scheduled for execution soon.
Only poor point is that they clearly want to say “being green is sexy as fuck” but can’t say that so just say “being green is sexy as …” which feels like a missed opportunity. Surely there is a vegetable they could replace fuck with. Figs maybe. I don’t know.
Verdict: Look, I’m a sucker for disco and funk bass. This one absolutely slays in that respect. Even if the vocals feel too clean there is so much fun here that it’s quite hilarious. It reminds me of Incubus’ first record which had loads of porn funk daftness on.
Final: YES
Lithuania – Monika Liu – “Sentimentai”
It’s just bang average with a far-too subtle chorus that fails to hit me in the feels. Probably the worst ending too, where it just stops in order to meet the three-minute mark. Assume there is a five-minute edit of this that fades out.
Verdict: The sort of sounds you hear before you realise you’re having a stroke.
Final: NO
Switzerland – Marius Bear – “Boys Do Cry”
Hmm. This gives me “first ballad I ever wrote” vibes. Not terrible, just very standard and expected. If you close your eyes now and think “Eurovision ballad” you can hear this song in your head. Looking at the singer I am surprised the song is not called “Boys Go Bi” but never mind.
Verdict: Well, if we’re being serious about this, boys can cry but men don’t, you little bitch.
Final: Yes
Slovenia – LPS – “Disko”
Hooray. More Disco/Disko! Sounds like a standard disco song but lacks a killer chorus… really lacks a chorus at all. Or maybe the verse is the chorus? Well, who cares? The singer has the emotional range of a trampled piece of pineapple. Given their band is called Last Pizza Slice that is fitting. Only child molesters want pineapple on pizza.
Verdict: This song is so hollow if you fucked it there would be an echo.
Final: No
Ukraine – Kalush Orchestra – “Stefania”
Oh. I wasn’t expecting this. Poor white boy rapping and some weirdo chanting? Oh hang on, no. I’m starting to feel it. Yes, that chorus really grips into you after the third time, eh? That Beastie Boys “Sureshot” flute hook is absolutely killer too.
Verdict: A deserved winner but worth mentioning that Putin is a lunatic cunt with a very tiny penis.
You’ll not be “putin” that micropenis in anything anytime soon.
Final: Yes
Bulgaria – Intelligent Music Project – “Intention”
That. Fucking. Guitar. Production. Is. So. Fucking. Weak.
Look how many band members they have, how many guitars, and it sounds that soft? Honestly, there was a tv show called Fantastic Max back in the day and the theme song genuinely rocked harder than this. Last year’s winner showed how to do decent hard riffs but this is some weak-ass shit.
Nickelback rock harder than this.
Fantastic Max(imum failure)
Verdict: Genuinely felt like years were being taken off my life listening to it. An audible cancer, breaking down my healthy cells and slowing down my heart, blocking up my arteries with their fatty, underbaked, overblown clottage.
Final: Fuck no, and invade them next Putin.
Netherlands – S10 – “De diepte”
Here we are. The matured ballad and probably my favourite song yet. Puts Switzerland’s entry back into the Toblerone tube to be used as a sex toy for another year. I can see this doing very well, great to hear her singing in her native language, and her beautiful voice manages to deliver some emotional weight to the song even though I’ve no idea what she’s parping on about.
Verdict: As far as I know she could be singing “Round up all the Ukrainians and put them in the oven” and I’d still love her voice.
Final: Yes
Moldova – Zdob și Zdub and Frații Advahov – “Trenulețul”
You write off Moldova at your peril. In recent years they have always delivered.
It’s that folk rock silliness that can’t do anything but put a smile on your face. Even the deeply broken cynic in me is grinning ear to ear hearing this nonsense. I guarantee you’ll be singing this one for ages. It’s one that somehow makes 3 minutes feel like 5 due to the repetition of the chorus which must happen like 12 million times. It’s just a lot of fun.
BUCHAREST!
Verdict: Hey ho*. Let’s go!
* “Ho” in this case is your mum
Final: YES
Portugal – Maro – “Saudade, saudade”
I’m a sucker for the Rhodes piano and repetitive loops so was immediately drawn into this. Wasn’t sure what Saudade means so assume it means Daddy. However, I’ve just looked it up and it refers to “a melancholic longing or yearning”. So assume it’s about her longing for her Daddy’s cock. That’s how language works right?
Verdict: It’s relatively forgettable and not a patch on the Netherlands’ ballad.
Final: NO
Croatia – Mia Dimšić – “Guilty Pleasure”
I think this has the lowest likes on YouTube out of all of them so far. And you know what, it’s prob my favourite song in the whole competition. I love the tongue clucks on the chorus. I love the arrangement and structure. I love how it has a catchy pre-chorus and a catchy chorus. I love her vocal melodies.
Verdict: Yes, call me a big girlie woofter all you want but I absolutely love this. That’s the contrarian in me I think. It is the only one I went back to listen to again. I think there is a real pressure on Mia to sing it this well live, however. The production on this is so flawless that I think it will be very tough to nail this at the show itself. I do hope she does though.
Final: Probably not, but I love it
Denmark – Reddi – “The Show”
Well, the version I have of this is Reddi doing this all live and her voice is very impressive on the piano bit. Her song, however, then turns into a steaming looping tendril of turd. Once again, the guitars are wimpy and it is just trying too hard to be last year’s winner Måneskin. Her voice doesn’t suit the rock element and needs to go up an octave or something to really sell it.
Verdict: It’s a bit like stumbling across some karaoke being performed by the HR department in an accountancy firm.
Final: Gonna say no but suspect I am wrong.
Austria – Lumix feat. Pia Maria – “Halo”
Finally something that sounds modern. Could have come straight off Dua Lipa’s last record.
I imagine if Jacob Rees-Mogg listened to this he would immediately turn to dust like sunlight to a vampire. Maybe not dust – given the cunt is made out of cocaine already – instead he would just fold up like a pathetic piece of human origami. A twisted sack of useless rubbery skin sold to the lowest bidder so anyone in the country could give him the same treatment he’s given us.
The Jacob Rees-Mogg Fleshlight
Verdict: It’s – and I can’t stress this enough – a proper fucking BANGER.
Final: Yes
Iceland – Systur – “Með hækkandi sól”
This is one hopeless optimists will call “underrated”. They are wrong. It has been accurately rated as “hopeless”.
Verdict: I can’t get the foul taste out of my mouth listening to this. This one just disgusts me, like a Lego set of the Dresden bombing or a dog testicle sandwich.
Lego Dresden
Final: No
Greece – Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord – “Die Together”
Immediately brings to mind Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. She looks quite a lot like Lorde too. Lorde not Lordi.
This one could absolutely slay at Eurovision. The song is powerful and, with the war in Ukraine in mind, hugely emotional. Just imagine if they show images of war, Ukraine flags, while she’s singing about wanting to die together. Just thinking about that gives me shivers.
And an unbelievably throbbing erection.
Verdict: “THROBBING”
Final: Yes
Norway – Subwoolfer – “Give That Wolf A Banana”
As soon as you see that title you do that “Robot House!” voice in your head from Futurama. “NO-RRR-WAYY! What have you done this year you lunatics?”
And yes, it’s rather wonderful. Maybe a little too stop/start to really smash the competition. It does a lot of changes and stopping instead of just being a straight-on banger. Feels like it was assembled in a music editing studio rather than written.
Verdict: It’s a delightful load of nonsense that will slide into the finals.
Final: Yes
Armenia – Rosa Linn – “Snap”
Urgh. I fucking hate this one. I really dislike how the entire vocal line is backed up by a huge crowd. At best this is the song they play on a finale episode on Grey’s Anatomy to make easily touched dumplings weep like babies.
Verdict: And she looks like the offspring of if a Smurf fucked an Elephant. And the Smurf was wearing lipstick.
Nob lipstick.
Final: Yeah, probably, cos most of Europe fuck animals.
SEMI FINAL 2
Finland – The Rasmus – “Jezebel”
Wait? The Rasmus? Weren’t they a vaguely forgettable nu-metal band from eons ago?
Yes. And it doesn’t sound like they’ve got any better. For me, the flat thump of the snare drum on this ruins the whole thing. I appreciate that is a very unfair criticism so let’s go further: None of the lyrics scan; they often don’t fit the melody, the arrangement is all over the place, the strings are out of place and should have been dropped, and finally, there should be huge glorious female harmonies on the chorus.
Verdict: Urgh. The soft rock guitars make me a very unhappy lad. Nearly as sad as the singer’s hairline slipping so far to the back of his head.
Final: No.
Israel – Michael Ben David – “I.M”
Ah, this must be a song for Palestinians. “Keep your head up” so we can shoot you in the face.
Oh, did I cross the line again? Whoops. Well, don’t feel too bad, if this guy was in Palestine they’d throw him off a building.
Verdict: In all fairness this is a wicked track. It’s almost perfect Eurovision. Super gay. Super ethnic. Full of confidence and a lot of fun. Ticks all the boxes.
Final: Yes
Serbia – Konstrakta – “In corpore sano”
So you’ll need subtitles on for this one, because, unbelievably, it’s about Meghan Markle’s hair. Well, the first bit is. It’s just about having a healthy body and is a really oddball song. The kinda odd where you squint your eyes and shake your head. The kinda odd that only strange countries in Europe come out with.
The lyrics are wonderfully specific, and the Serbian language makes it all so beautiful sounding. The “to be healthy” is so damn catchy too. I completely love how weird it is. It needed Dr Steve Brule to appear though.
“Dark spots around lips might mean you have an еnlarged spleen”
Verdict: If ever a song will sink or swim based on its staging and performance it is this one. Let’s see what they do!
Final: Yes
Azerbaijan – Nadir Rustamli – “Fade To Black”
This guy’s FUCKING EYEBROWS! They crawl across his face like a sexually transmitted disease at a gangbang.
Fucking yikes.
It’s a well-meaning big ballad which starts slow and builds and builds until at the end it’s pretty huge sounding. Falsetto vocals, thick beats, but then drops it all for a piss poor ending. I would have loved it to just keep going, a huge crescendo that just stops into dead silence. It nearly does that but nah, loses it for me.
Verdict: THOSE FUCKING EYEBROWS.
Final: Yes
Georgia – Circus Mircus – “Lock Me In”
It’s hard to judge this one. Based on the video I want to dress it in a school uniform and send it back in time to Columbine High School. However, if the stage show manages to have some fun with it then it could have a chance? I’m really reaching here but there are elements of silly fun here maybe. It’s hard to see through that as my gut reaction is just to punch them all very hard in the fucking face.
Verdict: No, actually, they are called Circus Mircus so microwaving their decapitated heads is the only option.
Final: Fuck no.
Malta – Emma Muscat – “I Am What I Am”
Has to be some sort of rule that Malta only enters hot people. It reminds me of that Beautiful song by Christina Aguilera where you had a song sang by a beautiful blonde woman but then filled the videos with weirdos to make it inclusive. Did I say weirdos? Sorry, I meant ugly people who make my eyes bleed. I don’t watch TV to see ugly poor people. Show me unrealistic sluts all day long.
Verdict: A boil in the bag pride anthem. Meh.
Final: Yes
San Marino – Achille Lauro – “Stripper”
Okay, let’s really get into it. This song has nothing going for it. At best it’s a bot that has surfed the web and pulled out a couple of lyrics from popular culture then mixed them in a big cauldron labelled DADDY’S CUMPOT. It just feels so very tired. The guitar just has one riff. Even the band sound like they don’t have the energy to perform it. It is too old and ugly. Too worn out. Like trying to reuse the same Digestive after the first round of the biscuit game.
Verdict: SOGGY NO NOS
Final: NO
Australia – Sheldon Riley – “Not The Same”
Getting a bit samey now. Everyone doing the gender bending thing is unfortunately “YES THE SAME” rather than “not the same”. Their voice is very lovely, they really can sing well and I have no doubt they will kill the live performance. I saw that Sheldon finished third in The Voice Australia and I wasn’t sure if that was an achievement or not. Is that about the same as winning a phone-in competition on Radio Wrexham, comparatively?
Now I’m old I do enjoy watching young people scream into the void about the perceived unfairness they suffer. “I’m not the same” they cry, “I am different! Take me seriously”, and then two years later they’re pushing trolleys around Asda or working as a “dough fluffer” for Warburtons.
Sheldon’s next job.
Verdict: Pretty. Pretty pointless.
Final: YES
Cyprus – Andromache – “Ela”
Video starts with a naked woman in the bath so I’m on board. It feels very traditional. Probably similar to so many previous entries in other years but I’m a sucker for it. Her voice is bewitching and that Ela chorus is fantastic. In summary though it doesn’t quite hit any heights.
Verdict: I was expecting a big finale but instead it’s just a leaky raft over the channel that ends in a shit council house in Slough.
Final: Yeah, maybe? Some of this shit has to qualify right?
Ireland – Brooke – “That’s Rich”
I’m sorry but her eyebrows are a fucking disaster. I’ve seen smaller ones with adhesive on the back as part of a fancy-dress detective toy set. Immediately you know this song will bomb. Her voice is so fake and overproduced. You know live it won’t cut it. The video is so cheap that I kinda feel so bad for Brooke – she deserves much better than this.
Ooh, all that said, that “woo woo woo” synth after the chorus is lovely. Oh there is something to this one. When I don’t look at the video I kinda dig it a lot. But then I look at her and think I’ve stumbled across someone mocking the Paralympics on Tik Tok.
Verdict: Look, I had Covid recently. I lost my taste, okay? This one is fucking awesome.
Final: OF COURSE NOT YOU SPANNER
North Macedonia – Andrea – “Circles”
Firstly, thank you North Macedonia for beating Italy so they failed to qualify for the World Cup. We’ll never stop laughing about that.
Right then. “Limits” and “Listenin’” do not rhyme. So get to fuck.
Verdict: Dead dog rotting with its guts glooping out its anus.
Final: Oh no.
Estonia – Stefan – “Hope”
Ah, jolly good. Nonce music.
Be honest now, all you want is someone to add “it’s off to work we go” at the end right? He’s genuinely singing “I ho, I ho” isn’t he? LOL. Dreadful.
Verdict: NONCE. MUSIC.
Final:
Romania – WRS – “Llámame”
The video for this one is the live version with a crowd. I can only assume it was recorded at some sort of brain injury hospital given how much it stinks, yet they are applauding. It feels like an advert for a steakhouse. The dancing is pretty good, I like flexible dancers as you know, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. Just repeats itself and gets a bit forgettable.
If the audience really did enjoy this song then I hope they managed to convince these mentally defunct imbeciles to purchase some cryptocurrency or NFTs.
Verdict: If you own an NFT you are the sort of person who jerks off to babies crying.
Final: No
Poland – Ochman – “River”
Last couple of years Poland have entered someone who has a right wing haircut. Odd that. Well, moving on, if I grit my teeth hard enough I can get past the “done” and “done” double rhyme and the “king” and “strings” which irks me. The melody itself is quite pleasant and certainly quite catchy. But I can’t forgive that middle bit with all the stupid wailing on. I think the song is about him drowning himself cos his girlfriend drowned herself. Not the full story though is it Ochman? Your girl drowned herself cos she got in trouble and Poland had banned abortions? Well:
Verdict: A bloated corpse, washed up upon the shore of the internet. You thought it was a bald sex doll but it was just Elon Musk without his hairplugs.
Final: Yes
Montenegro – Vladana – “Breathe”
Verdict: I have shit myself and had better times than this.
Final: No.
Belgium – Jérémie Makiese – “Miss You”
After 16 songs today this just bleeds into all the other ones. It’s not until the second verse that it evolves past that drool dribble of an opening. I’m not keen on the chorus at all. Sure his voice is good and I’ll be excited to see him fail live but even then this is nothing to write home about.
Verdict: Just another boring time in Belgium and we voted Leave.
Final: Surely not.
Sweden – Cornelia Jakobs – “Hold Me Closer”
Fucking boring start. Hope this goes somewhere. Ah, yes, great. A little bit of electro creeping in. Hmm. Not convinced of that chorus. Tries too hard to cram too many words in.
Yeah, I don’t get this one at all. It’s probably the worst Swedish entry for many years. Fucking awful.
Verdict: Her voice grates on me. She sounds like she put her diaphragm in the wrong hole.
Final: It’s Sweden so yes, I’m just not sure why?
Czech Republic – We Are Domi – “Lights Off”
Already a BILLION times better than Sweden’s entry after 30 seconds. Oh hell yes. This fucking kills. I adore that rough synth which I assume is a Moog. Yeah, this is my kind of party music.
Verdict: This is probably my favourite song from the second semi-final. No, you’re the idiot.
Final: Yes
FINALISTS
France – Alvan and Ahez – “Fulenn”
Oh, go get sodomised by a baguette.
Germany – Malik Harris – “Rockstars”
Is this song a German singing about how things were better in the old days? Oh-oh. Better do a quick VAR check:
Italy – Mahmood and Blanco – “Brividi”
Well, aside from him looking like a freak show gimp there is no doubt this is a powerful and beautiful track. Genuinely in love with that smooth bass guitar. To me this is a bit special. Feels more than just a standard Eurovision song, it sort of transcends into something quite haunting. I’d say this could win.
Spain – Chanel – “SloMo”
And the public votes go to? Spain. By miles. You filthy beasts. (Well, maybe a draw with Ukraine.)
That said, I did have to pause the video when she was in that latex swimsuit in the rain just to give it a proper BROWSE.
“A proper browse”
You could also replace the lyric “SloMo” with “Hetero” and it would still be fine.
United Kingdom – Sam Ryder – “Space Man”
This man is less than an astronaut. He’s just an ass and a nought. Oh I’m kidding, I really like this hippie bastard.
There is a good chance this is our redemption in Eurovision. This is a really fun track with a wonderful arrangement. And, I’m genuinely stunned to say that the lyric that touched me the most in this whole competition is his delivery of: “As long as you’re on the ground I’ll stick around”.
Weirdly, I find myself thinking, “Good luck, Sam”.
Summary
And that’s your lot. Overall quite a strong competition and it’s clear the shadow of war will hang over the whole piece. Expect loads of Ukraine flags and stage settings around war and loss. I’d say there isn’t really a genuinely standout song this year – one that would unite everyone. Italy’s is very good but likely it doesn’t vibe with everyone. I think my original prediction was correct and I would expect a Ukrainian win.
It would not surprise me if Zelenskyy popped up at the show with Putin’s head on a stick.
You know we all want to see it.
Ones I quite like:
Ukraine
United Kingdom
Croatia
Spain
Italy
Czech Republic
Ireland (shut up)
Serbia
Music is Dead 