Another year. Another Eurovision. I don’t remember there being this many songs last year. 43 tracks. That really is more than is reasonable. I have not heard ANYTHING from this years entries. All I know is that Jedward and Blue are somewhere in here. And surely, no other country can be as bad as Jedward?
Poland – Magdalena Tul – Jestem
Er, this is Womanizer by Britney Spears. Same vocal melody. Chorus isn’t good. I guess I’m comparing it to Womanizer’s chorus which is wicked. This is not.
Bosnia – Dino Merlin – Love In Rewind
Dino Merlin? Really. The wizard dinosaur. That should be AWESOME. Instead we have a ballad. Oh my, some bad lyrics here. School/Cool rhymes. Weird feel -bit of a sea shanty almost. Then in comes a beat that doesn’t fit on the track. I accept that this exists just not that it’s a song.
Latvia – Musiqq – Angel In Disguise
Sounds like something from the Silent Hill 2 soundtrack. The guitar production I mean. Okay, lyrically rubbish. But quite catchy. Nice chorus… Yeah, I reckon if they can build this up a bit more this has a good chance of a few votes. Very cheesy rap that sounds like it was taken off someone else’s record. Like when East 17 or 5ive tried to do a middle bit with a rap in? I am expecting Blue’s song to have a section like that. Oh, shame about the song structure. It has a middle rap bit then the chorus then into a weird high bit and collapses into the ending. Should have been better.
Norway – Stella Mwangi – Haba Haba
It’s funny how all the bass drums have been the same on every song so far. It’s like a mash up of songs that already existed and were bad in the first place. Now I could be wrong but I believe this song is about a girl’s Grandma selling her into the sex trade. Whilst telling her “Hubba Hubba” which is the universally accepted acknowledgement that a girl is hot. So why Grandma is saying it… Very sinister. Oh who am I kidding – it’s fucking mince.
Austria – Nadine Beiler – The Secret Is Love
Oh shut up. Michael Jackson write this I reckon. Awful hamfisted attempt at emotion. Horrid in every way. Like one of the worst examples found on the Jessie J album.
Albania – Aurela Gaçe – Feel The Passion
This has been produced by someone who is deaf. Hidden away in this song are some balls. Except they turned down the guitars and solos. Atrocious in every moment. Live, however, this maybe amazing.
Holland – 3JS – Never Alone
This is Beauty & The Beast from the Disney film. “Tale as old as time, ect”. Bland. Doesn’t engage me or my emotions.
Armenia – Emmy – Boom-Boom
I’m tiring of all these positive messages about making the world a better place. You can all go get fucked. It makes me to go hi-five Slobodan Milošević. Chorus was written by someone else. Doesn’t fit and stunnningly awful. I quite likes the verses which was quite well constructed then it pisses it all away for the chrous.
Belgium – Witloof Bay – With Love Baby
Oh my fucking god. Yeah, I like punching swans in the fucking face, glassing newborns and shitting in old folk’s toasters. But I do it with love so it’s all okay. Quite simply the worst accapella breakdown of all time. I hate everything this stands for, you boring bunch of frogs.
Slovakia – TWiiNS – I’m Still Alive
Yay. Time for a ballad. After that it can’t be bad. Oh fuck off. They ruin it with a rock drum beat. Far too harsh, not enough change in the pattern either. Really like the deep synth underneath everything. Chorus and vocals are nice. Shame the drum beat is the SAME ALL THE WAY FUCKING THROUGH! WTF. ARE YOU THE FUGEES? Hate it for the drum beat, like the rest of it.
Turkey – Yüksek Sadakat – Live It Up
Again, guitars turned down. Joan Jett was louder than this. Oh hang on, there is a second section in the verse which is great. The chorus is quite nice. The singer is shocking though. Oh my god. Is that what the chorus is? Is he saying “Kill yourself” on the chorus? Hahah. That is excellent. Tell those whiny emo fucks to just put up or shut up. Half these fools on medication should at least try suicide instead of moaning about it all the time. Good stuff. A positive message at last.
Oh hang on, just looked up the lyrics. He says “Give yourself a break” and NOT “kill yourself”. BOOOO! BOO! BOO!
Ukraine – Mika Newton – Angels
Nice arrangement on the opening and verse. Oh wow, that’s the chorus? Not really anything there. Was expecting some attempt at something epic. Glad there wasn’t. Like this one.
Serbia – Nina – Caroban
Many years out of date. Could have won in 1985. If Serbia hadn’t been bombed into the stone-age a few years back and were taking their time catching up I’d rip this one further. Could be the music for a gameshow or a terrible sitcom where everyone has bowel cancer.
Russia – Alex Sparrow – Get You
Worst song. Chorus makes some way back to save it.Still, it features a mongospazztard bashing a bass drum for 3 minutes. Will do well as a) it’s Russia and b) it’s Russia. Great advice too: “if you want to have fun tonight – just scream”. I’m sure Madeline McCann lives by this advice.
Moldova – Zdob si Zdub – So Lucky
Hahah. Could be Gogol Bordello. Very silly. Will bomb unless they have a crazy as fuck stageshow – but I like it.
Switzerland – Anna Rossinelli – In Love For A While
Is Eurovision over yet? I need to put ear condoms in to stop this infection spunking shit into my hearing canals. We should nuke Switzerland for this. DIE.
Sweden – Eric Saade – Popular
Whoa. Finally proper production. Love the electro feel on this one. Fuck me, the chorus is massive. Ignore my previous comments. This is how you do Eurovision. Terminally catchy. Love it.
Georgia – Eldrine – One More Day
Could be a demo. Badly thought-out instrumentation that tonally doesn’t work. Yeah, this is bad. Feels much longer than 3 minutes too.
Cyprus – Christos Mylordos – San aggelos s’agapisa
Lovely. And in foreign so I can’t be put off by bad lyrics. Just hope it doesn’t do a go crazy for the chorus… oh fuck off. Really muffled distorted guitars come in. Shit. Really was hoping it would stay in one genre. Sounds MUCH worse after chorus.
Finland – Paradise Oskar – Da Da Dam
Oh, a story. Oh, this is like that Tom guy from last year. Fuck, it’s really good. Bit mawkish but against the awfulness so far it shines – this will do top 5 no doubt. The chorus is really quite moving. But I’m a sucker for this shit. I’ve no shame saying I don’t mind James Blunt and all that singer songwriter stuff. Colour me surprised.
Bulgaria – Poli Genova – Na inat
Oh fuck off. Are all the countries only allowed to use the same instruments? Another song with a awful distorted guitar and low end synth. Could be something released by an X Factor contestant. Nice bit of piano after the middle section then into it’s wallpaper-in-a-nursing-home chorus.
Malta – Glen Vella – One Life
Comedy trance. Could be Culture Beat from years ago. Oh, the chorus isn’t very good. I was expecting more. You promised a lot more, Malteaser. Doubt this will even make the final. It’s not awful it’s jut not very anything.
Macedonia – Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka
I’m not hearing anything anymore. I can’t tell what this is. I’ll try and focus a bit as the overall awfulness has beaten me a little. I guess it’s okay. It’s very Balkan-y, accordians, Gogol Bordello, etc. Alright.
France – Amaury Vassili – Sognu
Could be the National Anthem for a country that shouldn’t exist.
Israel – Dana International – Ding Dong
Will do well as she’s half-famous. Reasonable in a forgettable way. Tempo feels too slow – could probably get more momentum if it was sped up a bit. Ah, the middle section tries to rectify this. Key change after the middle bit? Ha, Eurovision with your cliches you are really spoiling us. High note at the end? Thankfully not. Think it would have been better with a half-decent vocalist though.
Italy – Raphael Gualazzi – Madness Of Love
Wild start. Then gets boring in a Harry Connick Jnr way. Love the Cab Calloway bit in the middle. Takes too long to get to the climax – much in the way of an Italian lover.
San Marino – Senit – Stand By
It’s safe to say we can ignore this. The first 10 seconds could be any 10 seconds from the rest of the song.
Croatia – Daria – Celebrate
Party time? Feels like a song that’ll build… Whoa, loud backing vocals. Oh fuck it. I’m just gonna go with this one. As camp as Paradise Lost. Not half bad attempt at a dubstep middle section. Better than Britneys on her last single. Like it.
Slovenia – Maja Keuc – No One
Starts VERY SERIOUS. Then X-Factor vocals come in. I don’t like this at all. However, this is exactly the type of shit idiots clog the charts up with. Even a bit of Spanish guitar. Basically this song is out of date but so are Slovenia. Aguilera’s nobcheese.
Romania – Hotel FM – Change
No where near as good as Saddam Hussain’s I Can Change from South Park: The Movie. Worst song of the competition. Also it just talks about changing the world. But not necessarily in a good way. So instead of donating to Amnesty and Unicef like I do I’m going to use the money to frequent brothels where I’ll get a much more hands-on approach to those lucky Romanian orphans who’ve been sold into the sex slave trade. Yep, I’m feeling better already. (edit. Two references about the sex slave trade in one post? Well, we are dealing with Europe here – what did you expect?).
Iceland – Sigurjón’s Friends – Coming Home
So jolly. I hate it. Makes me want to turn off life support machines in the Burn’s Unit.
UK – Blue – I Can
Er, those vocals didn’t fit so well against that melody at the start. Okay, lovely vocals I guess. Where is the melody tho? Haha, you know what? This isn’t too bad at all. For 90’s boyband with trance influences it’s pretty alright. Positive messages of course. But not quite as awful as I expected. This could bomb quite badly onstage as it’s so vocally driven. Yep, pretty acceptable stuff.
Estonia – Getter Jaani – Rockefeller Street
Let’s hope this doesn’t come after Blue. Worse vocals but the chorus is just trance synth and beat – much like the Blue song. I’m not feeling this at all. Not enough going on in the chorus. Don’t like. Oh, terrible be-bop middle section too.
Hungary – Kati Wolf – What About My Dreams
Ha, this song should be called Hungary Like The Wolf. Instead we get some Bryan Adams guitar with really insidious female vocals. Into disco territory for the chorus though. Nice side chaining on the synths I guess. Comes good by the end. Real thickness by the end. Good backing vocals but over-too-soon ending.
Portugal – Homens da Luta – A luta é alegria
Probably what music sounded like before instruments were invented. Astoundingly irritating.
Belarus – Anastasia Vinnikova – I Love Belarus
This will get votes because not giving it votes suggests you hate Belarus. I don’t know anything about Belarus. Except it sounds like a cross between Bell-end and Walrus. For me, it gives me heartburn and makes the hate well up inside me. Lights dim and deep reds flash in my eyes. The country should be bombed for this ear rape crime.
Germany – Lena – Taken By A Stranger
What? Didn’t she win last year? This is fucking unbelievably shit. I want to kick this fucking whore RIGHT IN THE FUCKING CUNT FOR THIS SHIT. HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE GERMANY? FIRST AUSCHWITZ. THEN LENA.
Lithuania – Evelina Sasenko – C’est ma vie
Denmark – A Friend In London – New Tomorrow
First line = “Cum on boys. Cum on girls”. So that’s why you have a Legoland Denmark you massive bunch of paedos. Seriously though, this is harmless fluff. Could be anything – but I wish it was anything else. Could probably win.
Azerbaijan – Ell and Nikki – Running Scared
I’m a little beaten into submission with these songs now. Sounds a bit like Imogen Heap on the chorus. It’s quite nice. If this girl is hot it could do well.
Ireland – Jedward – Lipstick
Well, of course it’s awful. But in comparison against the rest of Eurovision? It’s catchy and sounds quite modern. Great bass tone. Vocals are as good as you could hope for from these two jokers. Live they will camp it up and fail heavily I imagine. But actually, this is great.
Greece – Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike – Watch My Dance
Oh why can men from Greece not sing? They do that gruff talking nonsense. If they set out to write the most excruciating unlistenable song of all time I think they overachieved. Nil points.
Spain – Lucía Pérez – Que me quiten lo bailao
Sounds traditional. Sounds good. The first two steps of winning Eurovision. Sounding modern or traditional is fine but the second step is to write something good. This is nice. Yep, I like it.
Okay and that’s it. Have I missed any? Apologies if I have – I’ll guess it was poop.
I’m not that impressed with this year’s line up. Not many outright shockers, or by contrast, outright amazing ones. Most of the songs are trying to do everything. So instead of just being a rock song or a ballad or a dance song. They do everything they can in 3 minutes and end up with no identity.
Lastly, so many were about making the world a better place and shit. Personally, if the amount of effort that’s been put into writing these songs about changing the world had been put into actually helping people out a lot more good would have been done.
So get off your arse and do something about it, cunts.
Each way bets: Finland, Spain, Sweden, Croatia and Moldova.