Well then you shower of cunts. Here is what you definitely didn’t want. That’s right, my run down of Eurovision entries for 2010. Are you ready? Okay. spread yourself and let me in!
Sunstroke Project Olia Tira – Run Away (Moldova)
Real impact in the opening. Nice arpeggiator. Really great production surprisingly – love the beat sidechained with the guitar. Kinda silly saxophone on its own but with the beat later on it works wonderfully. Does loads in its 3 minutes. Well that was a surprise! This is the first song I hear and it’s good. Let’s move on quickly in case I turn gay.
Peter Nalitch – Friends Lost And Forgotten (Russia)
Slow, slow, slow. But again lovely production. Reminds me of the Tiger Lillies. Verse to pre chorus to chorus is lovely. Chorus is not quite enough for me. Really was expecting the second chorus to do something more. Mind you, the middle bit afterwards is great. Yeah, you know what? I could see this winning.
Malcolm Lincoln – Siren (Estonia)
Okay what the fuck? This is well decent too. Weird track but not enough (or any?) bass throughout the entire song. Think that will make it sound extremely hollow on stage. Don’t like the transition from the first chorus into the second verse – feels too rushed.
Kristina Pelakova – Horehronie (Slovakia)
Ah, this is more like it. Dodgy synth strings and sillyness. Sounds like it will have pan pipes on it later. Song goes nowhere and does nothing – like their country. Browsed the live performance in case she was hot but she looks too nervous with the mic. I always imagine if they can’t hold a mic properly they’d be really rubbish at handjobs. No good.
Kuunkuiskaajat – Työlki Ellää (Finland)
Ah, real gypsy awfulness. This was the Eurovision stuff I was waiting for! A big steaming turd of Balkan music passed off as Finnish culture that no one wanted to hear. Sounds like something you’d see someone performed in the street with jugglers and shit. Only with more tramps.
Aisha – What For (Latvia)
Ooh, nice production again. Oh but then her voice comes in. “Skies so blue”, “mountains so high”? For fucks sake. My god, this has the worst lyrics I’ve heard since, well, since last year’s Eurovision. Won’t win. Chorus is naff, accordion doesn’t work. Terrible high note at the end. Outright haemorrhoids.
Milan Stankovic – Ovo je Balkan (This Is the Balkans) (Serbia)
Ah, when I go out clubbing to Balkanarama this is the type of music they play. They don’t tend to say the word “Balkan” as many times though. So shut up you absolute tool. Yeah, maybe it’s catchy but it’s weird that three tracks already have tried to latch onto that Balkany sound. Kinda hoping someone comes on sounding like Gogol Bordello (unlikely).
Vukasin Brajic – Thunder And Lightning (Bosnia Herzegovina)
Lovely production, arrangement. His vocals work well on the chorus. Hmmm. Not sure about that guitar on the chorus. This kinda stuff can sometimes bomb worse than Serbia (YES THAT WAS A DIRECT REFERENCE TO WAR). I quite like this, the chorus is really quite powerful and I think if they get that right and put on a bit of a show this one has a bit of a chance. Weak ending although I do love that bit with the strings at the death.
Marcin Mrozinski – Legenda (Poland)
Oh-oh. Huge opening which gives way and from it emerges a weak song built entirely from a kick, snare & hihat beat, some strings and a dodgy takeaway owner. Chorus comes and goes. Like the piano bit near the end – that could actually do it for me. Yeah, the last 30 seconds are really, really strong and it has a great death. Shame on the preceeding two and a half minutes.
Tom Dice – Me And My Guitar ( Belgium)
If we just replace that Tom Dice with Tom McRae that will give you an idea. If this one stays like just him and his guitar it may win just because it’s so different. Actually, this song is a lovely ballad. From Belgium? WTF. Okay, subtle chorus not loads of instruments coming in. Nice (for once) string arrangement. Yeah, as ballads go this is the best one – not unlike Walking in Memphis by Marc Cohn.
Thea Garrettt – My Dream (Malta)
Ug. Starts like a James Bond track then gradually becomes more and more flushable. Verse is just dead, has no reason to exist – it’s all about the chorus. Which wasn’t worth waiting for. The way she fits “happen” into the melody doesn’t work and sounds clangy. I smell pestilence on this one. Key change, ends on a high notes, everything the fan boy Eurovision fan probably wants. So pointless, it’s like putting in a tampon then realising you’re a man. If this wins, everyone should be killed.
Juliana Pasha – It’s All About You (Albania)
Hell yes, funky opening. Nice and bouncy. Very Girls Aloud. Hahah, is that an electric violin doing a silly solo after the chorus? Amazing. Yeah, I like this. Has zero chance to win but has 100% chance that I’ll remix it. Like it a lot.
Giorgos Alkaios & Friends – Opa (Greece)
Hello Balkan music. Again. Great bass/synth and electronic screeches. Best Balkan music one so far. Oh my, that DJ bit where the whole thing gets scratched is pretty good. Like the mobile ringtone at the end! It has become clear to me that one of the Balkan music sounding ones will win. So far this is the one for me.
Filipa Azevedo – Há Dias Assim (Portugal)
DISNEY BALLAD. WEAK. Massive drums but then snare and kick beat and some strings. Piano and strings? On a eurovision song?! OMG! DULL. If the Portugal team played with as little flair in the World Cup they’d get beat off North Korea or a hamster.
Gjoko Taneski – Jas Ja Imam Silata (FYR Macedonia)
Nothing verse all sacrificed for a great chorus. Again, guitar could be CAPITAL FAIL if it comes out wrong. Sounds like the end theme to a Jerry Bruckheimer film. Rap section works well against the rockier elements of the song. Yeah, this is basically a film end song, even that guitar solo, jesus. Still, once it’s got past the first verse it is continually and progressively good. Maybe could do with being longer than 3 minutes!
3+2 – Butterflies (Belarus)
OH FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH YOUR SHITTY BUMCRAP. Skipped through, nothing of note, death would be preferable to hearing it again.
Hera Björk – Je Ne Sais Quoi (Iceland)
Yay, obvious Calvin Harris dance synths. Oh boo! They drop away to leave a dull vocal. Pretty pounding but very dated. Like your dad making a dance record based on his limited understanding of the genre rather than by actually listening to dance records. But you know what, most of the people who watch that don’t know good dance music either so therefore this could well win. It is catchy like an STD.
InCulto – Eastern European Funk ( Lithuania)
Ha, okay this one is interesting. And uses a Kazoo. Therefore – obviously – this one is amazing. The guys voice is really lovely. Nice lyrical content – one for the Daily Mail to savour. Hell yes. This is great. The way the synth comes in is lovely but it’s not as heavy as I’d like. Would love to remix this one.
Eva Rivas – Apricot Stone (Armenia)
ARGH. Punch in the face awful. Music for people who are castrated.
Harel Skaat – Milim (Israel)
Oh, Israel as much as I wanted to hear a song to make me think you’re not cunts this is not it. How the fuck is this 7/1 to win? No verse or chorus for 1 min 30 so far. And then yes, at 2 min it grows a pair of balls and decides a guitar and drums would make it better. Not much, the sweet death from Palestine is the only thing to pray for here.
Chanée n’evergreen – In a Moment Like This (Denmark)
Also 7/1 to win. This reminds me of a song by someone else. Nice arrangement. Obvious chorus and horrible. So measured and calculated I can feel the songwriter trying to touch my heart with one hand and give me a prostate exam with the other. Fucking horrific final moments. It won’t shut up and go away. Please, please, please go away. I want to hurt myself. Finished, thank fuck.
Michael von der Heide – Il pleut de l’or (Switzerland)
Well this won’t make the final as Switzerland don’t matter. The guys vocals are just so bland he needs the backing vocals to do all the work. Rubbish.
Anna Bergendahl – This Is My Life (Sweden)
First thing to note is her voice is lovely. Has a good element of vulnerability in it. No intention of going for it, happy to take it’s time to get to the chorus. A real builder. Oh my, the vocal parts she does during the last chorus. Yeah, if I could place a bet it would be that this wins. Against the backdrop of the other songs this is the strongest and well paced.
Safura – Drip Drop (Azerbaijan)
This is the favourite? Okay, come on, surprise me. That’s your chorus? Okay, I guess it is okay. I assume you’re just going to build it up yeah? Nah, this is just so mid-paced and far too concentrated on the vocal performance. She’s bound to fuck it up and there’s nothing that great about it anyway. It’s a song that means well but ultimately should have been better. If you woke up with this song after a night out you’d try to quietly let yourself out only to find her 21 year old son in the kitchen making toast and leaving you with a difficult conversation.
Alyosha – Sweet People (Ukraine)
Awful. Like Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page on that Come With Me track. Has a really long held note in it that has the potential to go all kinds of wrong (hilariously). Song will get nowhere. Next for your career? Tan Salon girl? (or FHM photo shoots after I googled her – pretty hot I guess. Weird coloured eyebrows though.) Actually, the more I watch her in the video, I’m in love, I’d absolutely destroy her.
Sieneke – Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-la-lie) (The Netherlands)
Like Shaking Stevens mixed with Chas n’ Dave mixed with a group of outlaw paedophiles. Well OF COURSE it’s fucking terrible! But against the other songs? This could do well. Really, really wonderfully bad.
Paula Seling Ovi – Playing With Fire (Romania)
Has a nice rhythm section and on the mp3 the vocal is great. However, the voices have been heavily processed and therefore live they could sound like that squeal a whore makes when she’s choking on your cock. Catchy chorus though. Potential.
Ansambel Zlindra & Kalamari – Narodnozabavni Rock ( Slovenia)
HATE HATE HATE. Too many ideas, none of them good or worthwhile, no focus.
Niamh Kavanagh – It’s For You (Ireland)
Like a 3 minute run through of your life except forgetting to include any of the parts that mattered. So shit that if you placed it alongside one of my freshly laid brown curlys I really couldn’t tell the difference. If they want a poor forgettable ballad to win the competition then this would be it. When the pan pipes come in you just want to slap yourself in the face – are they taking the piss? Why not make all your lyrics about potatoes while you’re at it? Or sample the Lucky Charms advert? The final chorus isn’t a patch on some of the other ones so I just can’t imagine this will win.
Miroslav ‘Miro’ Kostadinov – Angel Si Ti (You Are An Angel) (Bulgaria)
Ballad. Boring. Your trance pre-chorus synth can’t hide the fact you have no lyrics for the chorus. No one cares. As exciting as I’d imagine Bulgaria is.
Jon Lilygreen and The Islanders – Life Looks Better In Spring (Cyprus)
Oh heavens. Sounds like Silverchair doing a ballad. This would be better on fire.
Feminnem – Lako je Sve (Croatia)
Man, I am sick of these silly synth sounds coming in. Did Calvin Harris produce all these tracks? You’ve got these relatively nice songs that get ruined by synths when they are not needed. But overall this song survives that indignity and might be the best song. Like the piano following the main vocal. Really nice ending. Oh you know, scrap what I just said this is actually really good. It does the synth stuff better than the others, I was just annoyed with every song doing it which was unfair on this one. Hope this one wins actually.
Sofia Nizharadze – Shine (Georgia)
You know what else I’m sick of? It’s songs that for the first 1 min 30 are slow ballads and then for the last 1 min 30 explode. This is an example of that while also nearly being a hate crime.
maNga – We Could Be The Same (Turkey)
Took me a while to appreciate this one. Think it’s okay. Nothing special. Sounds like Zeromancer or a rockier A-Ha.
Daniel Diges – Algo Pequeñito (Something Tiny) (Spain)
I assume everyone has done the penis jokes already so I’ll just move on to say this is the worst fucking song in the competition and should be considered a direct terrorist attack. It’s like someone wiping their bellend on your toast.
Didrik Solli-Tangen – My Heart Is Yours (Norway)
Norway. You’re boring. You’re always boring. This song is like a coma inducer. People who like this should be stoned to death with cabbages.
Josh Dubovie – That Sounds Good To Me (United Kingdom)
Like a Disney song remixed by someone who had never heard dance music before using only a casio keyboard that was broken. No character in his voice, completely devoid of anything interesting. Chorus is unnoticeable – it kinda embarrassingly pops up. Why not play a kazoo instead of singing? It would have some texture to it? Another shit ballad with a beat but like stated before the beat is SO weak. Look at the other songs that do the dance thing, they are SO much better – the bass is harder, a lot more arrangement. There really are no instruments here but the beat and his voice. I genuinely think this is a case for nul points. And mass extermination of the English.
Jessy Matador – Allez Olla Olé (France)
His name should be Messy Twatador. Every thing you needed to reinforce your beliefs on why you hate France is here in abundance. Fuck me. Bad. Like All The Single Ladies by Beyonce except more awful and without as many ideas. Could have been one minute long with the amount of ideas it had. Three minutes it just becomes a repetitive and annoying drone.
Lena – Satellite (Germany)
Oh hello! Germany wins by simply entering the Duffy/Amy Winehouse entry while everyone else went for europap from 10 years ago that never got anywhere anyway. Song ain’t that great but it’s different! Yeah, this will win. Definitely. (She needs to learn how to pronounce “Toenails” though – don’t know what “Toe nads” are).
To win: Croatia (12-1)
Each Way Bets:
- Sweden (20-1)
- Russia (100-1)
- Belgium (25-1)
- Lithuania (80-1)
- Greece (20-1)