Hello again my little chicadees! Glad to see you have returned for another wonderful journey through the unwavering constant awfulness of Foreign Musak. My name is Don and I’ll be your guide. Right then, let’s get to it.
Montenegro: Rambo Amadeus – Euro-Neuro
Oh lord. You have wasted 30 seconds of your song with some blurb and a bad soap opera laugh. All I can think of is “in soviet Russia music makes you” kind of voice. This is genuinely bad. Not even in a funny way. Just random instruments parping out poops of sound while some Russian IT support technician speaks a load of bollocks.
Good part: He is called Rambo Amadeus
Bad part: Vocals and music. No chorus. Instantly forgettable.
Verdict: Will not qualify
Iceland: Greta Salóme & Jónsi – Never Forget
Ah, yes. Hello Eurovision. Ooh, nice female backing. A duet too! I misjudged duets last year. If it’s a duet it’ll usually do well. Okay, maybe later I’ll think this is terrible but I quite like this right now. Mostly cos that first song was FUCKING AWFUL and this is the first proper song I’ve heard today. It ticks all the cheesy boxes, with a funny little violin solo.
Good part: Nice dual vocals. Really good arrangement.
Bad part: Could have come from any Eurovision contest previously.
Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac
Interestingly, this song is about how aroused Greece get when they squander all of the bail-out money Europe gives them. Apart from this clearly being a song sounding like it was dialled in by someone requesting “uptempo Greek song” it’s quite good. Love the dirty synth on it and her vocals are very karaoke. – too loud in the mix for my liking.
Good part: Chorus is strong, like the maniac/aphrodisiac line.
Bad part: Thinks it is modern but sounds like it’s 20 years old.
Verdict: Qualify & Top 5
Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song
Awful. Terrible backing sounds. Ironically, this song is about a beautiful song and all it does is reinforce everything that this song isn’t. Lyrics are so bad. It’s like someone wrote random words on a piece of glass then stuffed it up their anus and shat out the broken bleeding pieces into a poop libretti.
Good part: I still have my health
Bad part: Every cell-killing second
Verdict: Not qualify
Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus
Yay! Piano ballad. Jk. It’s shit. It better not just be this gutter waste of emotive exploitation for the whole song. Oh. This is ghastly. Fucking shut up with your wailing screechy noise, you boring cow. A badly realised instrumental break is the only let up before her banshee shriek comes in again. This is the worst type of music. If I was in the audience I would throw rocks. Or dirty nappies. It’s just an adult baby wailing for their toys for 3 minutes over a badly arranged orchestra.
Good part: I’m 3 minutes closer to death.
Bad part: Sounds like a baby crying for 3 minutes
Verdict: Cot death.
Romania: Mandinga – Zaleilah
Oh cool. I like this Balkan flavoured stuff. Big fan of gypsy folk, etc. This is very silly sounding but you know what? They sound like they’re having fun. And after that last one I’m willing to forgive them for anything. Don’t expect this mood to last long. But yeah, like this.
Good part: Made me move the razor away from my wrist
Bad part: Was probably entered last year
Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable
Snow patrol/Goo Goo Dolls, etc, and all the guitar bands that don’t matter anymore. Whoa. This sounds like Andreas Johnson. Remember that Glorious song from years ago? These vocals do not sit well on this song. I think there is a better vocal melody for this song. Sounds a bit arrogant and “I could do better” but I think I could.
Good part: Sounds like he says “wrecking ball” and not Unbreakable. Haha.
Bad part: Crap chorus
Verdict: Won’t qualify
Belgium: Iris – Would You?
NUL POINTS. Only kidding. Her vocals are lovely. Is she hot?
ARGRGHGRGHRHGRG. This one has taken me by surprise. I think it’s brilliant. Yep, all I can say.
Good part: I love the chorus. It is beautiful.
Bad part: See photo.
Finland: Pernilla Karlsson – När jag blunder
Ooh, unfortunate that this comes after that last one. Quite similar. Last one in English, this one is jabbawookie. Chorus is unremarkable, not enough instrumentation and not dynamic enough. Verse is better actually. Big mistake.
Good part: Pretty verse.
Bad part: Ugly chorus. Too kooky for my taste.
Verdict: Not qualify
Israel: Izabo – Time
Funny hearing people from Israel saying they’ll “obey”. Not from my experience. (Palestine, ceasefires, not massacring people, etc). Although a different style this feels very much to me like a T-Rex song for some reason. Bit of glam stomp on the drums and the chorus vocals and all daft. Yeah, this one is amusing enough. And after too slower ones will of course do well.
Good part: Reminds me of T-Rex.
Bad part: Sounds like it was stitched together from spare pieces. Badly produced/edited.
San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song – Oh Oh-Uh-Oh Oh
WUT? It appears that San Marino have just got the internet and Facebook. Other countries will laugh out fucking loud at this one. I know I am. Expect a fucking train wreck.
Good part: So you wanna make love to me. Am I really your cup of tea? Is the best lyric of all time.
Bad part: Every. Fucking. Second.
Verdict: Not qualify.
Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La La Love
Whoa. This is basically Rihanna. Yep, a toned down Eurovision version. Not as filthy or cum-slurping as a Rihanna song but very like S&M, etc. Cheesy synth but used in a way that still sounds like current musical trends. Who wrote this? Bastard.
Yeah, if a ballad/duet doesn’t win and they go for an uptempo one. Then this will do very well.
Good part: Music is dead.
Bad part: Well of course it’s awful. But it sounds like trending pop music so it will do well.
Verdict: Top four.
Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve Known Better
Review writes itself. Oh it makes me think of another song. Gah! Can’t think what… Nice little pop song. SEAL! It sounds like Crazy by Seal! Well then it will do pretty good.
Good part: Familiarity breeds points.
Bad part: Lyrics are hilariously bad.
Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party For Everybody
WELL JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO IT. DISTRACT EUROPE WHILE MILLIONS OF COMRADES STARVE TO DEATH OR GET PUT IN DEATH CAMPS. SMILE AND DANCE OR WE WILL KILL YOU.
EVERYTHING IS FINE.
Good part: False entertainment is quite amusing
Bad part: Putin is a mass murdering cunt.
Verdict: Qualify as no one will fuck with Russia.
Hungary: Compact Disco – Sound Of Our Hearts
Really nice drum programming. Wowey! A glorious chorus. GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKER. Good bit of glitch and dubstep synth but not overly reliant on it. Song stands strong on its own and it is beautifuckingful.
I love you Hungary. Also, thank you for Sziget last year. I had the best time ever.
Good part: Makes me reminisces an extraordinary orgasm. The chorus is me cumming.
Bad part:It is not 2 hours long.
Austria: Trackshittaz – Woki mit deim Popo
Whoa. For a second there seeing Austria and Trackshittaz made me do a doubletake and I thought it said Auschwitz.
Well, maybe not such a bad double-take. This is about as enjoyable. Joyless, soulless and really badly produced.
Good part: It sounds like they’re saying “poo poo.”
Bad part: The more I hear it the more catchy it gets. ARGH, By the night I’ll probably think it’s ace.
Verdict: More fun would be had at Auschwitz.
Moldova: Pasha Parfeny – Lautar
I can’t give you an opinion on this. It could be good. It might be diarrhoea clinging to a smelly bottom. I’ve just been too bombarded with stuff that sounds like this. Feels too long even for 3 minutes. Not enough changes, is boring by the end, just kinda stops. Needed a grand stand finish but instead limps home like a rapist with terminal cancer.
Good part: It is quite jolly.
Bad part: Just feels dead inside.
Verdict: Not qualify
Ireland: Jedward – Waterline
Everyone’s favourite. Still a huge fan of Lipstick insanely. Great pop song. This is much more middle of the road. Not as fun. Feels too serious and not as exciting melody wise. Sounds like it was written for a boy band and then given – inexplicably – to Jedward. Chrous is good but not much else about it does it for me.
Oh and they are still, very much, absolute twats.
Good part: They are ridiculous and hopeless.
Bad part: Not as good as Lipstick.
Verdict: They are on last in the semi final, They will qualify. They will come Top 5.
Serbia: Željko Joksimovic – Nije ljubav stvar
Verdict: Sounds like a Lord of the Rings theme with a paedophile singing. Not qualify.
Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i belo
Same song as Serbia with a woman singing. Finally gets lively halfway through. I like how it builds all the way through. Yeah, okay. Terrible guitar solo though. Doesn’t fit but will be fun for the audience so can’t see it not doing okay.
Netherlands: Joan Franka – You And Me
It’s a Joanna Newsom song. Can’t see anyone taking to this. Not a Eurovison song at all and wonderfully ignorable. Crap ending.
Verdict: Not qualify.
Malta: Kurt Calleja – This Is The Night
Most obvious song ever. Love it when they put a huge dance beat on and it falls massively flat on stage. Music not loud enough. None of the music sits against the vocals or compliments it. Hugely underwhelming. Hated it.
Belarus: Litesound – We Are The Heroes
Sounds like the last one. Fuck me, I have to say the second semi final is absolutely conventional shitty Eurovision. This is just like anything else. Music I would never listen to.
HAhahAHhahHAhAH. He said “We are the wieners” on the chorus. HahahAHa. You stupid Belarus dildo chomper. THIS SONG SHOULD BE CALLED WE ARE THE WEINERS.
Chorus is winning/wiening me over.
Verdict: Will qualify will not wien though.
Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida minha
Ah yes, what we needed was another pathetic sludgefest of accordion. So patronisingly void it’s an empty coffin or a uterus after an abortion.
Verdict: Will not qualify
Ukraine: Gaitana – Be My Guest
Ooh, after a shaky start I quite like the disco/90s dance vibe. Vocal is too FX’d. Shame they tried to do a dubstep wub bass. It is an octave too high. Song is pleasant enough but really it’s just a tune written for Reikartz Hotel adverts or some shit.
Verdict: Will def qualify
Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited
Limited amount of love for this one. Vocals are too nice for a song like this. Very Faithless sounding. Nice bit of shuffle going on with rhythm. Pretty sure it doesn’t work. Definitely sure an audience will not understand it. Feels too stressful for the listener. Nice but try harder.
Verdict: Will not qualify.
Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem
A ballad, per chance? Not much going for it. Very much a film score piece of music. Imagine horses riding into the sunset, or a man and woman in love dancing in a circle. All those clichés. Yep, it’s every Eurovision ballad ever. And while not awful it doesn’t endear itself to me.
Verdict: Top Five.
Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo
Nah, not feeling anything for this. Absolute nothing of worth here.
Verdict: Will qualify
Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria
Their production is always flawless. Dicks. Again we’re in 90s dance music territory but the arrangement is incredible. Great dynamics. Not sure about change from chorus to verse or middle. A bit cobbled together. That “up-up-up-up” bit reminds me again of Rihanna of course.
Verdict: Qualify and top 3
Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m A Joker
Catastrophic fail after Sweden. None of this song works. Has one thing and does it over and over a fucking gain. Bends space and time to make 3 of your minutes as hellishly repulsive as foreignly possible,
Verdict: Comes last.
Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love Me Back
What I hate most about this is the rapist revealed in the lyrics. We all know stories about Turkish waiters fucking our girlfriends on their summer holidays. This is very much a song about that. It’s very much a “I know you don’t want to but I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU. Later, when you’re crying with cum and blood are dripping out of all your holes and you beg me not to kill you I find some way of reasoning that what I have done was forgivable. After all it was you that lead me on in the first place, wasn’t it?
Disgustingly evil, unrepentantly arrogant and gloatingly sexist. On a level par with Chris Brown and a notch up from Anders Behring Breivik.
Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula
Well. I am listening. And nothing is happening. (1.15)
I suppose that was a chorus. (2:05)
Oh, drums. (2.10)
Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t Close Your Eyes
Bon Jovi. Middle of the road rock. As unimaginative as you can picture. Like when the Sterophonics thought they were being rock and roll. Lots of guitar flourishes.
Terrible ending too.
Verdict: Qualify as it’s the only rock song so far.
Norway: Tooji – Stay
Oh yes. Much better. Adore that synth hook. Massive chorus. Ticks all the fucking boxes, If they go for an up tempo one this will win by a billion points.
Verdict: Win (uptempo vote)
Bosnia & Herzegovina: MayaSar – Korake ti znam
So, testicle cancer. If you’re a guy you need to be thinking about it. We’re all getting older and you need to check your balls. I myself had a scare earlier this year and it was a seriously daunting time before the scan turned out fine.
Waiting for results and being haunted by your life potentially being changed instantly while putting on a brave face and pretending everything is okay is summed up perfectly by this disease of a song.
Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love Is Blind
Very similar to the last one but vocally more engaging I guess. Sounds like someone remixed this and added lots of badness halfway through. Typical funk bass and four to the floor beat. Shame it didn’t go the full way and include sidechained synths.
Verdict: last song in the semi? Qualify then lose heavily in final
United Kingdom: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love Will Set You Free
What can you say about this? Quite downbeat and melancholy but with little sparks of tenderness. Totally bumsexual and music even your mum wouldn’t listen to. But Engelbert will nail the performance so no worries about that. Could do very well.
Verdict: Top five
France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)
Makes no sense. Muddled beginning. Just plain shit opening to be fair,
Not enough for me to get into. Too skittery and all over the place. Needs to settle and let what they’re trying to express breathe. Too messy.
Verdict: Poked down the plughole with a big toe.
Italy: Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out Of Love)
Very like Lena’s song from two years ago. Very like Amy Winehouse/Duffy 60s sound. As cheap and obvious as a Berlusconi chat up line. And as dull as one of his scandals.
Verdict: Flushed away.
Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeva – When The Music Dies
Bad and boring.
Verdict: Mega amount of points.
Spain: Pastora Soler – Quédate conmigo
EXACTLY the same as Azerbanjo for first minute. Chorus is better than Azerbaijans but in the same way a sandwich made out of your dad’s poo would be better than a sandwich made out of David Cameron’s.
Verdict: Awful Awful awful. Probably win for no good reason.
Germany: Roman Lob – Standing Still
Very nice. In fact quite a shock. Usually something I wouldn’t like but overall quite pleasant. Germany always do well so this can’t go too badly wrong. Can’t be harsh about it really.
Verdict: Top five
Top 6 Verdicts in no particular order.
Norway, Sweden, Germany, UK, Hungary, Iceland