Tag Archives: Poli Genova

Eurovision – Stockholm, Sweden 2016

30 Apr

eurovision-2016-logo

Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.

2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.

The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.

So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!

I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!

SEMI-FINAL 1

1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away

A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.

Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO

Verdict: JOYOUS
Final: Yes

2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land

After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.

Verdict: Argos homo delivery
Final: No

3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars

Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.

Verdict: Mol-NO-va
Final: No

4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Final: Yes

5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final

6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Final: Yes

7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Final: Yes

8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know

Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.

Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
Final: No

9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Splurge.

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.

11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win

12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Final: No

13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play

Another
Boring
Ballad
By
Some
Daft
Cunt
Who
Doesn’t
Matter

That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.

Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
Final: No

14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win

15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing

Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.

Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again

16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling

A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.

Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win

17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je

Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?

No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.

Verdict: Snooze
Final: No

18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Final: Yes

SEMI-FINAL 2

It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.

1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Final: Yes

2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Final: Yes

3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind

Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.

Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.

4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.

5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly

What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.

That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.

Verdict: JUST DULL
Final: No

6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Final: No

7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.

Disgusting and wrong.

Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
Final: Yes

8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona

A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.

Verdict: Dona kebab
Final: No

9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Final: Yes

10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Final: Yes

11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red

A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.

Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
Final: Yes

12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence

Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.

Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..

Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest

13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Final: No

14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love

Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.

Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
Final: Yes

15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: No

16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker

About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.

I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.

Verdict: No-Way
Final: No

17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
Final: Yes

18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.

Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
Final: Yes

19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.

Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
Final: Yes

SOME OTHER CUNTS

All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.

FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes

GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict:
Top 5: No

ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No

SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No

UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.

Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes

Summary

A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:

My Faves

ICELAND
FRANCE
FINLAND
AZERBAIJAN
UNITED KINGDOM

Outsiders

LITHUANIA
HUNGARY
CYPRUS
GEORGIA
BELGIUM

Worst songs that will probably win

RUSSIA
CROATIA
SWEDEN

Eurovision Song Contest 2011

17 Apr

Another year. Another Eurovision. I don’t remember there being this many songs last year. 43 tracks. That really is more than is reasonable. I have not heard ANYTHING from this years entries. All I know is that Jedward and Blue are somewhere in here. And surely, no other country can be as bad as Jedward?

Poland – Magdalena Tul – Jestem

Er, this is Womanizer by Britney Spears. Same vocal melody. Chorus isn’t good. I guess I’m comparing it to Womanizer’s chorus which is wicked. This is not.

Bosnia – Dino Merlin – Love In Rewind

Dino Merlin? Really. The wizard dinosaur. That should be AWESOME. Instead we have a ballad. Oh my, some bad lyrics here. School/Cool rhymes. Weird feel -bit of a sea shanty almost. Then in comes a beat that doesn’t fit on the track. I accept that this exists just not that it’s a song.

Latvia – Musiqq – Angel In Disguise

Sounds like something from the Silent Hill 2 soundtrack. The guitar production I mean. Okay, lyrically rubbish. But quite catchy. Nice chorus… Yeah, I reckon if they can build this up a bit more this has a good chance of a few votes. Very cheesy rap that sounds like it was taken off someone else’s record. Like when East 17 or 5ive tried to do a middle bit with a rap in? I am expecting Blue’s song to have a section like that. Oh, shame about the song structure. It has a middle rap bit then the chorus then into a weird high bit and collapses into the ending. Should have been better.

Norway – Stella Mwangi – Haba Haba

It’s funny how all the bass drums have been the same on every song so far. It’s like a mash up of songs that already existed and were bad in the first place. Now I could be wrong but I believe this song is about a girl’s Grandma selling her into the sex trade. Whilst telling her “Hubba Hubba” which is the universally accepted acknowledgement that a girl is hot. So why Grandma is saying it… Very sinister. Oh who am I kidding – it’s fucking mince.

Austria – Nadine Beiler – The Secret Is Love

Oh shut up. Michael Jackson write this I reckon. Awful hamfisted attempt at emotion. Horrid in every way. Like one of the worst examples found on the Jessie J album.

Albania – Aurela Gaçe – Feel The Passion

This has been produced by someone who is deaf. Hidden away in this song are some balls. Except they turned down the guitars and solos. Atrocious in every moment. Live, however, this maybe amazing.

Holland – 3JS – Never Alone

This is Beauty & The Beast from the Disney film. “Tale as old as time, ect”. Bland. Doesn’t engage me or my emotions.

Armenia – Emmy – Boom-Boom

I’m tiring of all these positive messages about making the world a better place. You can all go get fucked. It makes me to go hi-five Slobodan Milošević. Chorus was written by someone else. Doesn’t fit and stunnningly awful. I quite likes the verses which was quite well constructed then it pisses it all away for the chrous.

Belgium – Witloof Bay – With Love Baby

Oh my fucking god. Yeah, I like punching swans in the fucking face, glassing newborns and shitting in old folk’s toasters. But I do it with love so it’s all okay. Quite simply the worst accapella breakdown of all time. I hate everything this stands for, you boring bunch of frogs.

Slovakia – TWiiNS – I’m Still Alive

Yay. Time for a ballad. After that it can’t be bad. Oh fuck off. They ruin it with a rock drum beat. Far too harsh, not enough change in the pattern either. Really like the deep synth underneath everything. Chorus and vocals are nice. Shame the drum beat is the SAME ALL THE WAY FUCKING THROUGH! WTF. ARE YOU THE FUGEES? Hate it for the drum beat, like the rest of it.

Turkey – Yüksek Sadakat – Live It Up

Again, guitars turned down. Joan Jett was louder than this. Oh hang on, there is a second section in the verse which is great. The chorus is quite nice. The singer is shocking though. Oh my god. Is that what the chorus is? Is he saying “Kill yourself” on the chorus? Hahah. That is excellent. Tell those whiny emo fucks to just put up or shut up. Half these fools on medication should at least try suicide instead of moaning about it all the time. Good stuff. A positive message at last.

Oh hang on, just looked up the lyrics. He says “Give yourself a break” and NOT “kill yourself”. BOOOO! BOO! BOO!

Ukraine – Mika Newton – Angels

Nice arrangement on the opening and verse. Oh wow, that’s the chorus? Not really anything there. Was expecting some attempt at something epic. Glad there wasn’t. Like this one.

Serbia – Nina – Caroban

Many years out of date. Could have won in 1985. If Serbia hadn’t been bombed into the stone-age a few years back and were taking their time catching up I’d rip this one further. Could be the music for a gameshow or a terrible sitcom where everyone has bowel cancer.

Russia – Alex Sparrow – Get You

Worst song. Chorus makes some way back to save it.Still, it features a mongospazztard bashing a bass drum for 3 minutes. Will do well as a) it’s Russia and b) it’s Russia. Great advice too: “if you want to have fun tonight – just scream”. I’m sure Madeline McCann lives by this advice.

Moldova – Zdob si Zdub – So Lucky

Hahah. Could be Gogol Bordello. Very silly. Will bomb unless they have a crazy as fuck stageshow – but I like it.

Switzerland – Anna Rossinelli – In Love For A While

Is Eurovision over yet? I need to put ear condoms in to stop this infection spunking shit into my hearing canals. We should nuke Switzerland for this. DIE.

Sweden – Eric Saade – Popular

Whoa. Finally proper production. Love the electro feel on this one. Fuck me, the chorus is massive. Ignore my previous comments. This is how you do Eurovision. Terminally catchy. Love it.

Georgia – Eldrine – One More Day

Could be a demo. Badly thought-out instrumentation that tonally doesn’t work. Yeah, this is bad. Feels much longer than 3 minutes too.

Cyprus – Christos Mylordos – San aggelos s’agapisa

Lovely. And in foreign so I can’t be put off by bad lyrics. Just hope it doesn’t do a go crazy for the chorus… oh fuck off. Really muffled distorted guitars come in. Shit. Really was hoping it would stay in one genre. Sounds MUCH worse after chorus.

Finland – Paradise Oskar – Da Da Dam

Oh, a story. Oh, this is like that Tom guy from last year. Fuck, it’s really good. Bit mawkish but against the awfulness so far it shines – this will do top 5 no doubt. The chorus is really quite moving. But I’m a sucker for this shit. I’ve no shame saying I don’t mind James Blunt and all that singer songwriter stuff. Colour me surprised.

Bulgaria – Poli Genova – Na inat

Oh fuck off. Are all the countries only allowed to use the same instruments? Another song with a awful distorted guitar and low end synth. Could be something released by an X Factor contestant. Nice bit of piano after the middle section then into it’s wallpaper-in-a-nursing-home chorus.

Malta – Glen Vella – One Life

Comedy trance. Could be Culture Beat from years ago. Oh, the chorus isn’t very good. I was expecting more. You promised a lot more, Malteaser. Doubt this will even make the final. It’s not awful it’s jut not very anything.

Macedonia – Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

I’m not hearing anything anymore. I can’t tell what this is. I’ll try and focus a bit as the overall awfulness has beaten me a little. I guess it’s okay. It’s very Balkan-y, accordians, Gogol Bordello, etc. Alright.

France – Amaury Vassili – Sognu

Could be the National Anthem for a country that shouldn’t exist.

Israel – Dana International – Ding Dong

Will do well as she’s half-famous. Reasonable in a forgettable way. Tempo feels too slow – could probably get more momentum if it was sped up a bit. Ah, the middle section tries to rectify this. Key change after the middle bit? Ha, Eurovision with your cliches you are really spoiling us. High note at the end? Thankfully not. Think it would have been better with a half-decent vocalist though.

Italy – Raphael Gualazzi – Madness Of Love

Wild start. Then gets boring in a Harry Connick Jnr way. Love the Cab Calloway bit in the middle. Takes too long to get to the climax – much in the way of an Italian lover.

San Marino – Senit – Stand By

It’s safe to say we can ignore this. The first 10 seconds could be any 10 seconds from the rest of the song.

Croatia – Daria – Celebrate

Party time? Feels like a song that’ll build… Whoa, loud backing vocals. Oh fuck it. I’m just gonna go with this one. As camp as Paradise Lost. Not half bad attempt at a dubstep middle section. Better than Britneys on her last single. Like it.

Slovenia – Maja Keuc – No One

Starts VERY SERIOUS. Then X-Factor vocals come in. I don’t like this at all. However, this is exactly the type of shit idiots clog the charts up with. Even a bit of Spanish guitar. Basically this song is out of date but so are Slovenia. Aguilera’s nobcheese.

Romania – Hotel FM – Change

No where near as good as Saddam Hussain’s I Can Change from South Park: The Movie. Worst song of the competition. Also it just talks about changing the world. But not necessarily in a good way. So instead of donating to Amnesty and Unicef like I do I’m going to use the money to frequent brothels where I’ll get a much more hands-on approach to those lucky Romanian orphans who’ve been sold into the sex slave trade. Yep, I’m feeling better already. (edit. Two references about the sex slave trade in one post? Well, we are dealing with Europe here – what did you expect?).

Iceland – Sigurjón’s Friends – Coming Home

So jolly. I hate it. Makes me want to turn off life support machines in the Burn’s Unit.

UK – Blue – I Can

Er, those vocals didn’t fit so well against that melody at the start. Okay, lovely vocals I guess. Where is the melody tho? Haha, you know what? This isn’t too bad at all. For 90’s boyband with trance influences it’s pretty alright. Positive messages of course. But not quite as awful as I expected. This could bomb quite badly onstage as it’s so vocally driven. Yep, pretty acceptable stuff.

Estonia – Getter Jaani – Rockefeller Street

Let’s hope this doesn’t come after Blue. Worse vocals but the chorus is just trance synth and beat – much like the Blue song. I’m not feeling this at all. Not enough going on in the chorus. Don’t like. Oh, terrible be-bop middle section too.

Hungary – Kati Wolf – What About My Dreams

Ha, this song should be called Hungary Like The Wolf. Instead we get some Bryan Adams guitar with really insidious female vocals. Into disco territory for the chorus though. Nice side chaining on the synths I guess. Comes good by the end. Real thickness by the end. Good backing vocals but over-too-soon ending.

Portugal – Homens da Luta – A luta é alegria

Probably what music sounded like before instruments were invented. Astoundingly irritating.

Belarus – Anastasia Vinnikova – I Love Belarus

This will get votes because not giving it votes suggests you hate Belarus. I don’t know anything about Belarus. Except it sounds like a cross between Bell-end and Walrus. For me, it gives me heartburn and makes the hate well up inside me. Lights dim and deep reds flash in my eyes. The country should be bombed for this ear rape crime.

Germany – Lena – Taken By A Stranger

What? Didn’t she win last year? This is fucking unbelievably shit. I want to kick this fucking whore RIGHT IN THE FUCKING CUNT FOR THIS SHIT. HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE GERMANY? FIRST AUSCHWITZ. THEN LENA.

Lithuania – Evelina Sasenko – C’est ma vie

Disney. Aids.

Denmark – A Friend In London – New Tomorrow

First line = “Cum on boys. Cum on girls”. So that’s why you have a Legoland Denmark you massive bunch of paedos. Seriously though, this is harmless fluff. Could be anything – but I wish it was anything else. Could probably win.

Azerbaijan – Ell and Nikki – Running Scared

I’m a little beaten into submission with these songs now. Sounds a bit like Imogen Heap on the chorus. It’s quite nice. If this girl is hot it could do well.

Ireland – Jedward – Lipstick

Well, of course it’s awful. But in comparison against the rest of Eurovision? It’s catchy and sounds quite modern. Great bass tone. Vocals are as good as you could hope for from these two jokers. Live they will camp it up and fail heavily I imagine. But actually, this is great.

Greece – Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike – Watch My Dance

Oh why can men from Greece not sing? They do that gruff talking nonsense. If they set out to write the most excruciating unlistenable song of all time I think they overachieved. Nil points.

Spain – Lucía Pérez – Que me quiten lo bailao

Sounds traditional. Sounds good. The first two steps of winning Eurovision. Sounding modern or traditional is fine but the second step is to write something good. This is nice. Yep, I like it.

Summary

Okay and that’s it. Have I missed any? Apologies if I have – I’ll guess it was poop.

I’m not that impressed with this year’s line up. Not many outright shockers, or by contrast, outright amazing ones. Most of the songs are trying to do everything. So instead of just being a rock song or a ballad or a dance song. They do everything they can in 3 minutes and end up with no identity.

Lastly, so many were about making the world a better place and shit. Personally, if the amount of effort that’s been put into writing these songs about changing the world had been put into actually helping people out a lot more good would have been done.

So get off your arse and do something about it, cunts.

Each way bets: Finland, Spain, Sweden, Croatia and Moldova.