Hello again Eurotrash and welcome to my now annual thoughts on all that is unholy in the world: Eurovision. Well, let’s get into it. Not heard anything – not even the UK entry this year – so let’s see what I think of them…
1. ARMENIA – Aram MP3 – Not Alone
Good old electric piano to begin with. Fair is fair. The song starts as a lovely sub-Lionel Richie ballad. But what’s this? Seems like they didn’t want to risk a slow piano song for the full 3 minutes and decided to jar into an awful and pathetic dubstep crescendo.
Reminds me a lot of those rock band ballads from the 90s where the metal band couldn’t keep their distortion pedals turned off for three minutes.
On second listen and now being able to compare this with the rest of the competition this has grown on me a lot. It does what it does better than the other tracks so it’s definitely one for an each way bet.
2. LATVIA – Aarzemnieki – Cake To Bake
Ah, kooky old Eurovision. It’s a song about all the unlikely things a man has done but when it gets to the chorus he admits that he doesn’t know how to bake a cake. I can’t help but feel this pours a significant amount of doubt that he found Atlantis or any of his other claims. Lyrically clumsy and most don’t fit.
Clearly this is hopeless but it is quite catchy – something that happens when you do the chorus 10 times in 3 minutes. Has that same quirkiness as the Bananaphone song.
3. ESTONIA – Tanja – Amazing
Great production here. Reminiscent of Hurts/Duran Duran. Verse is great but chorus is a few paces off the mark. Pre chorus is wonderful though – better than the chorus.
I was hoping the chorus was only weak on the first one so they could build it throughout the song but no, even after the drop, the chorus doesn’t have the impact it should. Such a shame – it’s like meeting Dannii Minogue, taking her out for dinner, dancing all night then getting her home and finding she had a dick.
And it was uncircumcised.
4. SWEDEN – Sanna Nielsen – Undo
These Swedes always seem to give their songs a certain amount of gravitas. Saying that, it’s just a better quality version of Armenia’s song and even then it could be a cover of Anastasia. Money on this for each way obviously but it doesn’t quite make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
Worse, I just googled her picture and it didn’t make anything else stand up either.
5. ICELAND – Pollapönk – No Prejudice
I liked the stuttering bit but that’s only because I enjoy laughing at disabled folk.
Basically, it’s Scouting For Retards.
6.ALBANIA – Hersi – One Night’s Anger
Is this Shakira? Holy shit it sounds so much like her! It’s a great example of throwing everything into the mix and seeing what falls out. Easily the best thing so far and won’t make the final as no one likes Albanians.
That last sentence has two lies in it.
7. RUSSIA – Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine
If I was Ukrainian I’d be putting my borders back up based on this song. Whilst it’s an interesting insight into the propaganda machine coming from Russia it’s also like someone giving you a box of chocolates after raping the bullet hole in your mother’s forehead.
Qualify or the cunts will invade someone else
8. AZERBAIJAN – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire
Delicately straddles the line between boring and beautiful. Bold and wonderful.
Qualify – Outside chance of winning
9. UKRAINE – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock
It’s like pop from 2010 when pop was good. I was hoping for a Ke$ha cover but this will do. Fun and has whistling (everything in Eurovision that has whistling is a keeper). Makes me want to dance and do that thing with my floppy bit.
Also 12 points from Russia.
10. BELGIUM – Axel Hirsoux – Mother
Oh god. Another boring track from Belgium. The first minute sounds like someone composing a song from scratch and just playing the piano as a skeleton backing. Incredible that this has been chosen. Doesn’t even feel like half of a song. Is Axel famous or something?
Oh my god I just did a google search and got a picture of Rafa Benitez – how is this a man’s voice? Creepy. And doubly creepy for singing about his mum. Stay away from schools, mate.
11. MOLDOVA – Cristina Scarlat – Wild Soul
The arrangement is good here. Great beats, electro synths. It’s just a shame they’ve put a god-awful female vocal on it. She’s so one note it just comes over drab and flat. It’s like putting an Odd Future sticker on a BMW – your car still looks like it belongs to a sad old man.
12. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Maybe (Forse)
This is her third attempt to qualify incredibly and I’m sure it’ll be her 3rd time unlucky. Hopefully that will then be good night to her congested sphincter of a career. She probably feels like Manchester United will do for the next couple of years in the Europa League.
So will she qualify? Maybe (not).
13. PORTUGAL – Suzy – Quero ser tua
Kind of a hideous mix up of songs from Lazy Town and Agadoo played whilst you’re standing in a burnt field with the corpses of everyone you’ve ever loved around you.
14. NETHERLANDS – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm
This is just With or Without You or Every Breath You Take. Nice slide guitar to give it a bit of a country influence. Based on what’s popular right now that’s pretty brave. Nothing particularly strong. Just potters along and stops.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Qualify cos they’re Holland but null points in final.
15. MONTENEGRO – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj svijet
Ah, pan pipes in Eurovision. The sound of winners!
16. HUNGARY – András Kállay-Saunders – Running
Ooh. Like this a lot. Strained and vulnerable vocals. Sounds like we could have a strong contender here… Oh no, amen break beats almost tip it into kitsch. Saying that, it’s growing on me a lot. Second chorus arrangement is interesting and certainly plays down the beats. Love the way it runs into it’s ending. Yeah, awesome. I think.
1. MALTA – Firelight – Coming Home
Fleetwood Mac-aroni cheesy bellends.
2. ISRAEL – Mei Finegold – Same Heart
With a vocal riddled with throat tumours and a song so basic it could have been coded on a Sinclair spectrum ZX81. It’s an absolute mess and less emotionally involving than an episode of Neighbours watched with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears.
3. NORWAY – Carl Espen – Silent Storm
The 65th song of this contest to begin with a single piano. Originality has always been a problem in this competition. Man, if this song explodes into guitar rock I’ll be very disappointed. Waits. Hey you know what? It doesn’t. Congratualtions! Thanks for sticking with your genre.
Even if that genre was listening to a man whose arse is made out of sandpaper taking a huge dump.
4. GEORGIA – The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes To Earth
Obvious comment first: Hey! It’s the Lion King.
Shakira’s on this track as well. It’s a different one this. It ignores the usual song arrangement traditions like verses and choruses and just tumbles about like Katie Price’s babies in a washing machine. Assume this has some weird action on stage because otherwise this is a null pointer.
5. POLAND – Donatan & Cleo – My Slowanie (We Are Slavic)
Ah, much better. Shouty girl hip hop. It’s a bit Hey Mickey and My Humps but I think it’d work better if it had a deep house bassline underneath it. Nice middle bit though that doesn’t fit in the slightest. Could be worse. Could be sung by a Black Eyed Peas.
6. AUSTRIA – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix
Now then. This is how to do a piano ballad. Like a James Bond theme mixed with a marching band. I’m guessing I should hate this?
7. LITHUANIA – Vilija Mataciunaite – Attention
That deep house bass I mentioned before? I think I found it here. Again the chorus isn’t strong enough for this type of production. There isn’t a hook – just cool sounds. It’s just not good enough.
It’s like paying for a £1000 prostitute when you only have a 3 inch dick.
8. FINLAND – Softengine – Something Better
Finland has found middle of the road rock music. It sounds like a recent A-Ha record. The members are all 17-19 years old. What the hell happened Finland? I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your education system. Why aren’t these guys in jail for dressing like trolls and burning churches down. Very disappointed.
9. IRELAND – Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith – Heartbeat
This is the Lithuania song – just better. It also has a chorus. Shame it relies on those godawful fiddles or whatever they’re called. Yes, I know you want to sound all traditional but for God’s sake why not just sample Gerry Adams and make all the bass drums the sound of bombs going off.
Qualify & Top 5
10. BELARUS – Teo – Cheesecake
Actually has dj-scratching on it. Oh Belarus your fourth world country is so amusing to us. Weird to say you’re ‘not like Patrick Swayze’ – to be honest I’m sure if you dug him up he’d have the consistency of a cheesecake.
11. MACEDONIA – Tijana – To The Sky
Oh. This should win.
12. SWITZERLAND – Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars
A song condoning the hunting and murder of celebrities. On record it sounds a little pathetic but I’m sure in the stadium this will have a certain appeal…
To the kind of people who put Cadbury’s Creme eggs up their arse and poop them into their children’s’ mouths.
13. GREECE – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – Rise Up
Are you allowed to use autotune on your voice in Eurovision? If not, these lot are in trouble. Sounds alright otherwise. Repetitive, catchy and forgettable. Feels like entering Cotton Eye Joe into a Classical music competition though.
Actually better the more it goes on – Mostly cos it’s bashing my head in. Very poor ending though.
14. SLOVENIA – Tinkara Kovac – Round And Round
BOOM! This one is great from the off. Solid production and a fine, fine chorus. Yeah, high hopes for this.
15. ROMANIA – Paula Seling & Ovi – Miracle
Side chain synths instead of chainsaw death screams. Runs out of ideas by two minutes but you can never ignore a male and female duet. Bound to get into the final but weaker than Oscar Pistorius’s defence plea
Other Cuntries who get a free ride
DENMARK – Basim – Cliché Love Song
More whistling. Hard to dismiss this or criticise when it’s called Cliché Love Song. I do know a few songs I’d like more if they were called ANOTHER BORING BALLAD. Assume this is a favourite.
They should have entered Everything Is Awesome though, those Lego-making-dildohats.
SPAIN – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain
Oh thanks Spain. Just enter the Genocide of Music as your entry. Fucking wonderful.
This is a reason to vote for UKIP.
FRANCE – Twin Twin – Moustache
Hey France, you do some great hip hop. I heard it in La Haine. I listen to it a lot. THIS IS NOT IT. Baffling atrocious. Manages to make 3 minutes feel like a 30 year war.
TWIN TWIN TOWERS more like.
GERMANY – Elaiza – Is It Right
Slightly less exciting than going into Vision Express to browse for bifocal glasses for your grandmother.
ITALY – Emma – La mia città
Impressed this isn’t an awful ballad. Got a bit of rock to it. Like Finland’s entry but with a decent distortion setting. Probably the only genuine rock song so maybe can’t be ignored. Potentially all this ballad, pop dubstep nonsense will sound the same in the final and this could shine.
Yeah right. Only kidding. Some butt nugget of a song will win.
UNITED KINGDOM – Molly – Children Of The Universe
Speaking of butt nuggets here is the UK entry. But oh? But wow? It starts with full backing vocals? Awesome! Hey you know what? It ain’t too bad. Pretentious and full of itself – like everyone in the UK. Yeah, I like this. We’ve finally entered a song rather than a pop distraction. Great drop before the first chorus too.
Just needs to wave a flag saying PUTIN LICKS HORSE SCHLONG for a few more votes.
I’ll be honest – I’ve been a little disappointed with the songs this year. Nothing I could really love and nothing I could really hate. I think the songs are getting better – shame half the songs from the automatic entrant countries will stop us ever having a final with only good songs in the final. Top 6 for this year?
- United Kingdom
*EDIT* Having just watched a rehearsal of Macedonia I’m almost 100% sure they will bomb out. She sounds AWFUL live. Replaced with Azerbaijan as my wild card. Slovenia is 200-1 I notice and although she looks like a Disney Princess dancing about with a flute I still have high hopes.