Tag Archives: Miracle

Eurovision 2016: The UK Entries

22 Feb

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I am sick with fever so what better punishment to inflict on my body than to listen to all the UK entries into Eurovision 2016? That’ll teach my body to stop being so useless and weak.

As we have allowed the infested colon of the music industry to pick our songs for the last couple of years I notice we have lost heavily. Therefore they have decided to let the infested colon of the British public pick the next song instead. Don’t know why they don’t just stick ’em on Spotify and whichever one streams the most, pick that?

To make it more fun for myself I have also considered each song from a political perspective and how it could be perceived by the rest of Europe. Anyway, here are my thoughts on this years crop of forget-me-nows:

Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Starts off a bit ghost town. Vocals are very so-so – nice and strong but her voice itself hasn’t enough charisma or character to be a winner. Sure, chorus is grandiose nonsense but the verse is just unbearable beige from Planet Emptiness. Sounds like something that Katrina and the Waves would have entered 20 years ago and really has no place here.

Political Reaction
As we sit on our pillars of gold iPhones, slamming the gates in the faces of migrants, the key message Europe needs to hear from us right now is “shine a little light on me”. As per usual with millennial songs it’s selfish and vile.

Karl William Lund – Miracle
Sounds like it was written on a Fisher-Price My First Little Piano. Quite naff kick drum driving the song along. As expected the chorus is nice, a little bit Hurts, but the lyrics are confusing and emotionally detached.

The end is a real let-down – no bombastic double run of the chorus like you’d expect or hope for here. Not a contender in any way.

Political Reaction
He’s ginger so clearly the worst type of British monster. We’d be invaded for sending this.

Matthew James – A Better Man
Smooth fucking vocals on this bad boy. Cheesy space fx too. Little kick of drum and bass before the chorus is a nice touch. Never gets spectacular with quite a downplayed chorus that I really rather appreciate after the two earlier turds.

Political Reaction
This could go some way towards making amends for our European missteps. Sure, it doesn’t say “sorry we bombed Syria, invaded Iraq for no reason, think we’re important when our country is a gobby stinkhole” or any of the other things any sane person from the UK would say if forced to justify political decisions our country has made, but it at least it says we’re trying to be better.

Darline – Until Tomorrow
Urgh. Country-infused-pop. The worst genre of all time. Bar nothing. Sampling a man being castrated by ISIS and then putting it through a vocoder would be more pleasant on the ear than mothercunting country-infused-pop.  That banjo is so hideous it wilts the foundation of the human spirit. The twee nothingness of the vocals creates a black hole of words that combine into a vortex of emptiness. Staggeringly bleak, like seeing the pale faces of your children stare at you through the back windshield, pounding on the glass, as you stand ashore watching the car sink into the ocean.

Political Reaction
It kinda sums up the UK’s ego quite well. Desperately being helped to our feet by wealthier nations and then when we think we’re okay again pretending we don’t need anyone.

Dulcima – When You Go
While I really wanted to just say “First syllable: DULL” I can’t. I like this one. It reminds me of The Wonderstuff bizarrely. I don’t think this has any chance to win over the type of people who’ll be voting in the UK, but I think it would have a lot more of a chance in Eurovision than any of the other ones so far in the final. I adore both vocals even if the lyrics are a little bit simple. It’s the only one I’ve listened to twice.

Political Reaction
Lyrics like “It was you and me at the start”, “Don’t make this difficult” and “Meet you in the dark” feel like they’re nearly an apology and may go some way to repairing our broken image in Europe so that could work.

Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Um. This is autotuned to fuck. How are these vacuous haircut Thunderbird puppets gonna win when they have to perform live? The song has a great arrangement though – that high guitar drowned in reverb is lush. I CANNOT believe they use “oh oh oh” to finish some of their rhymes: lazy Songwriting 101 lessons for you two.

I think it’s likely this is the one to beat. I don’t like it as much and it has no chance at all to win Eurovision, but based on what poses for talent according to the flaccid corpse of the UKs music scene I’d expect us to enter this one.

Political Reaction
Just need to take their shirts off and the crowd will lap it up. Like Putin.

Final standings then
Dulcima – When You Go
Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone
Matthew James – A Better Man
Bianca – Shine A Little Light
Karl William Lund – Miracle

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you back here when I do my annual review of all the other Eurovision songs as my small way of bringing misery to the only thing you love.

Eurovision Song Contest – Copenhagen 2014

5 May

Eurovision Song Contest Hello again Eurotrash and welcome to my now annual thoughts on all that is unholy in the world: Eurovision. Well, let’s get into it. Not heard anything – not even the UK entry this year – so let’s see what I think of them…

Semi-Final 1

1. ARMENIA – Aram MP3 – Not Alone

Good old electric piano to begin with. Fair is fair. The song starts as a lovely sub-Lionel Richie ballad. But what’s this? Seems like they didn’t want to risk a slow piano song for the full 3 minutes and decided to jar into an awful and pathetic dubstep crescendo.

Reminds me a lot of those rock band ballads from the 90s where the metal band couldn’t keep their distortion pedals turned off for three minutes.

On second listen and now being able to compare this with the rest of the competition this has grown on me a lot. It does what it does better than the other tracks so it’s definitely one for an each way bet.

Qualify

2. LATVIA – Aarzemnieki – Cake To Bake

Ah, kooky old Eurovision. It’s a song about all the unlikely things a man has done but when it gets to the chorus he admits that he doesn’t know how to bake a cake. I can’t help but feel this pours a significant amount of doubt that he found Atlantis or any of his other claims. Lyrically clumsy and most don’t fit.

Clearly this is hopeless but it is quite catchy – something that happens when you do the chorus 10 times in 3 minutes. Has that same quirkiness as the Bananaphone song.

Qualify

3. ESTONIA – Tanja – Amazing

Great production here. Reminiscent of Hurts/Duran Duran. Verse is great but chorus is a few paces off the mark. Pre chorus is wonderful though – better than the chorus.

I was hoping the chorus was only weak on the first one so they could build it throughout the song but no, even after the drop, the chorus doesn’t have the impact it should. Such a shame – it’s like meeting Dannii Minogue, taking her out for dinner, dancing all night then getting her home and finding she had a dick.

And it was uncircumcised.

Qualify

4. SWEDEN – Sanna Nielsen – Undo

These Swedes always seem to give their songs a certain amount of gravitas. Saying that, it’s just a better quality version of Armenia’s song and even then it could be a cover of Anastasia. Money on this for each way obviously but it doesn’t quite make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

Worse, I just googled her picture and it didn’t make anything else stand up either.

Qualify

5. ICELAND – Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I liked the stuttering bit but that’s only because I enjoy laughing at disabled folk.

Basically, it’s Scouting For Retards.

Not Qualify

6.ALBANIA – Hersi – One Night’s Anger

Is this Shakira? Holy shit it sounds so much like her! It’s a great example of throwing everything into the mix and seeing what falls out. Easily the best thing so far and won’t make the final as no one likes Albanians.

That last sentence has two lies in it.

Not Qualify

7. RUSSIA – Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

If I was Ukrainian I’d be putting my borders back up based on this song. Whilst it’s an interesting insight into the propaganda machine coming from Russia it’s also like someone giving you a box of chocolates after raping the bullet hole in your mother’s forehead.

Qualify or the cunts will invade someone else

8. AZERBAIJAN – Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire

Delicately straddles the line between boring and beautiful. Bold and wonderful.

Qualify – Outside chance of winning

9. UKRAINE – Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock

It’s like pop from 2010 when pop was good. I was hoping for a Ke$ha cover but this will do. Fun and has whistling (everything in Eurovision that has whistling is a keeper). Makes me want to dance and do that thing with my floppy bit.

Also 12 points from Russia.

Qualify

10. BELGIUM – Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Oh god. Another boring track from Belgium. The first minute sounds like someone composing a song from scratch and just playing the piano as a skeleton backing. Incredible that this has been chosen. Doesn’t even feel like half of a song. Is Axel famous or something?

Oh my god I just did a google search and got a picture of Rafa Benitez – how is this a man’s voice? Creepy. And doubly creepy for singing about his mum. Stay away from schools, mate.

Not Qualify

11. MOLDOVA – Cristina Scarlat – Wild Soul

The arrangement is good here. Great beats, electro synths. It’s just a shame they’ve put a god-awful female vocal on it. She’s so one note it just comes over drab and flat. It’s like putting an Odd Future sticker on a BMW – your car still looks like it belongs to a sad old man.

Qualify

12. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Maybe (Forse)

This is her third attempt to qualify incredibly and I’m sure it’ll be her 3rd time unlucky. Hopefully that will then be good night to her congested sphincter of a career. She probably feels like Manchester United will do for the next couple of years in the Europa League.

So will she qualify? Maybe (not).

13. PORTUGAL – Suzy – Quero ser tua

Kind of a hideous mix up of songs from Lazy Town and Agadoo played whilst you’re standing in a burnt field with the corpses of everyone you’ve ever loved around you.

Not Qualify

14. NETHERLANDS – The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm

This is just With or Without You or Every Breath You Take. Nice slide guitar to give it a bit of a country influence. Based on what’s popular right now that’s pretty brave. Nothing particularly strong. Just potters along and stops.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Qualify cos they’re Holland but null points in final.

15. MONTENEGRO – Sergej Cetkovic – Moj svijet

Ah, pan pipes in Eurovision. The sound of winners!

Or winnets.

Qualify

16. HUNGARY – András Kállay-Saunders – Running

Ooh. Like this a lot. Strained and vulnerable vocals. Sounds like we could have a strong contender here… Oh no, amen break beats almost tip it into kitsch. Saying that, it’s growing on me a lot. Second chorus arrangement is interesting and certainly plays down the beats. Love the way it runs into it’s ending. Yeah, awesome. I think.

Qualify

 SEMI-FINAL 2

1. MALTA – Firelight – Coming Home

Fleetwood Mac-aroni cheesy bellends.

Not Qualify

2. ISRAEL – Mei Finegold – Same Heart

With a vocal riddled with throat tumours and a song so basic it could have been coded on a Sinclair spectrum ZX81. It’s an absolute mess and less emotionally involving than an episode of Neighbours watched with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears.

Not Qualify

3. NORWAY – Carl Espen – Silent Storm

The 65th song of this contest to begin with a single piano. Originality has always been a problem in this competition. Man, if this song explodes into guitar rock I’ll be very disappointed. Waits. Hey you know what? It doesn’t. Congratualtions! Thanks for sticking with your genre.

Even if that genre was listening to a man whose arse is made out of sandpaper taking a huge dump.

Qualify

4. GEORGIA – The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes To Earth

Obvious comment first: Hey! It’s the Lion King.

Shakira’s on this track as well. It’s a different one this. It ignores the usual song arrangement traditions like verses and choruses and just tumbles about like Katie Price’s babies in a washing machine. Assume this has some weird action on stage because otherwise this is a null pointer.

Not Qualify

5. POLAND – Donatan & Cleo – My Slowanie (We Are Slavic)

Ah, much better. Shouty girl hip hop. It’s a bit Hey Mickey and My Humps but I think it’d work better if it had a deep house bassline underneath it. Nice middle bit though that doesn’t fit in the slightest. Could be worse. Could be sung by a Black Eyed Peas.

Qualify

6. AUSTRIA – Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix

Now then. This is how to do a piano ballad. Like a James Bond theme mixed with a marching band. I’m guessing I should hate this?

I don’t.

Qualify

7. LITHUANIA – Vilija Mataciunaite – Attention

That deep house bass I mentioned before? I think I found it here. Again the chorus isn’t strong enough for this type of production. There isn’t a hook – just cool sounds. It’s just not good enough.

It’s like paying for a £1000 prostitute when you only have a 3 inch dick.

Qualify

8. FINLAND – Softengine – Something Better

Finland has found middle of the road rock music. It sounds like a recent A-Ha record. The members are all 17-19 years old. What the hell happened Finland? I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions about your education system. Why aren’t these guys in jail for dressing like trolls and burning churches down. Very disappointed.

Qualify

9. IRELAND – Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith – Heartbeat

This is the Lithuania song – just better. It also has a chorus. Shame it relies on those godawful fiddles or whatever they’re called. Yes, I know you want to sound all traditional but for God’s sake why not just sample Gerry Adams and make all the bass drums the sound of bombs going off.

Qualify & Top 5

10. BELARUS – Teo – Cheesecake

Actually has dj-scratching on it. Oh Belarus your fourth world country is so amusing to us. Weird to say you’re ‘not like Patrick Swayze’ – to be honest I’m sure if you dug him up he’d have the consistency of a cheesecake.

Not qualify

11. MACEDONIA – Tijana – To The Sky

Oh. This should win.

Not Qualify

12. SWITZERLAND – Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars

A song condoning the hunting and murder of celebrities. On record it sounds a little pathetic but I’m sure in the stadium this will have a certain appeal…

To the kind of people who put Cadbury’s Creme eggs up their arse and poop them into their children’s’ mouths.

Qualify

13. GREECE – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – Rise Up

Are you allowed to use autotune on your voice in Eurovision? If not, these lot are in trouble. Sounds alright otherwise. Repetitive, catchy and forgettable. Feels like entering Cotton Eye Joe into a Classical music competition though.

Actually better the more it goes on – Mostly cos it’s bashing my head in. Very poor ending though.

Qualify

14. SLOVENIA – Tinkara Kovac – Round And Round

BOOM! This one is great from the off. Solid production and a fine, fine chorus. Yeah, high hopes for this.

Not Qualify

15. ROMANIA – Paula Seling & Ovi – Miracle

Side chain synths instead of chainsaw death screams. Runs out of ideas by two minutes but you can never ignore a male and female duet. Bound to get into the final but weaker than Oscar Pistorius’s defence plea

Other Cuntries who get a free ride 

DENMARK – Basim – Cliché Love Song

More whistling. Hard to dismiss this or criticise when it’s called Cliché Love Song. I do know a few songs I’d like more if they were called ANOTHER BORING BALLAD. Assume this is a favourite.

They should have entered Everything Is Awesome though, those Lego-making-dildohats.

SPAIN – Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain

Oh thanks Spain. Just enter the Genocide of Music as your entry. Fucking wonderful.

This is a reason to vote for UKIP.

FRANCE – Twin Twin – Moustache

Hey France, you do some great hip hop. I heard it in La Haine. I listen to it a lot. THIS IS NOT IT. Baffling atrocious. Manages to make 3 minutes feel like a 30 year war.

TWIN TWIN TOWERS more like.

GERMANY – Elaiza – Is It Right

Slightly less exciting than going into Vision Express to browse for bifocal glasses for your grandmother.

ITALY – Emma – La mia città

Impressed this isn’t an awful ballad. Got a bit of rock to it. Like Finland’s entry but with a decent distortion setting. Probably the only genuine rock song so maybe can’t be ignored. Potentially all this ballad, pop dubstep nonsense will sound the same in the final and this could shine.

Yeah right. Only kidding. Some butt nugget of a song will win.

UNITED KINGDOM – Molly – Children Of The Universe

Speaking of butt nuggets here is the UK entry. But oh? But wow? It starts with full backing vocals? Awesome! Hey you know what? It ain’t too bad. Pretentious and full of itself – like everyone in the UK. Yeah, I like this. We’ve finally entered a song rather than a pop distraction. Great drop before the first chorus too.

Just needs to wave a flag saying PUTIN LICKS HORSE SCHLONG for a few more votes.

Summary

I’ll be honest – I’ve been a little disappointed with the songs this year. Nothing I could really love and nothing I could really hate. I think the songs are getting better – shame half the songs from the automatic entrant countries will stop us ever having a final with only good songs in the final. Top 6 for this year?

  • Macedonia  Azerbaijan
  • Sweden
  • Ukraine
  • Hungary
  • Slovenia
  • United Kingdom

*EDIT* Having just watched a rehearsal of  Macedonia I’m almost 100% sure they will bomb out. She sounds AWFUL live. Replaced with Azerbaijan as my wild card. Slovenia is 200-1 I notice and although she looks like a Disney Princess dancing about with a flute I still have high hopes.