Tag Archives: Kaliopi

Eurovision – Stockholm, Sweden 2016

30 Apr

eurovision-2016-logo

Hello fellow Zerovision fans. I am glad you still stopped by to read my thoughts on this year’s crop of talent when you know I hate everything. I haven’t even bothered to look at the odds or watch the videos. I’m just going off the MP3s so know next to nothing about the songs and will probably like all the ones that are 150-1.

2016 has been a wonderful year for music. Bowie, Prince, Keith Emerson, George Martin – all gone. Music is getting better already – shame their worthless deaths have meant the radio is wall-to-wall with their dreck.

The real tragedy was the loss of Terry Wogan. Let’s face it, he was the voice of Eurovision and more importantly, the voice of Stoppit & Tidyup which to this day had higher viewing figures than some silly foreign talent show. I think it’s safe to say he contributed more to music than a bunch of sequin-wearing nonces anyway.

So following the death of so many wrongly loved celebrities, let’s enjoy the death of music with this year’s Eurovision!

I’m in such a good mood and really excited to enjoy this year’s entries!

SEMI-FINAL 1

1 – FINLAND – Sandhja – Sing It Away

A haunting piano laid lush with sultry vocals. Just when you think it’s only an Adele B-side, we speed up into a pre-chorus that carries the ghost of past Eurovision glories before bursting into a joyous funk with bright brass and a stomping beat.

Y U NO BURN CHVRCHES THO

Verdict: JOYOUS
Final: Yes

2 – GREECE – Argo – Utopian Land

After an opening like the score for Kingdom of Heaven, we move fast into a verse that dismally betrays a lack of talent and vision – much like Ridley Scott’s film. Lyrics are too on the nose and feel cluttered over the melody, like Jamie Oliver reading a Shakespearean sonnet with his blubbery fat tongue spunking out salty spittle.

Verdict: Argos homo delivery
Final: No

3 – MOLDOVA – Lidia Isac – Falling Stars

Standard Zerovision here: Flatline verse and early 90s Vengaboys chorus. Contains a slightly obtrusive piano that throws off the vocal. Even in my good mood this feels cynical.

Verdict: Mol-NO-va
Final: No

4 – HUNGARY – Freddie – Pioneer

A gruff vocal, a reverb-stacked big beat, a weird whistle, dirty electronics. Stop me, I’m cumming blood. Really liked it a lot!

Verdict: Bloody crotch
Final: Yes

5 – CROATIA – Nina Kraljić – Lighthouse

I’m allergic to the name Nina so this song should not be allowed. I don’t find anything emotive here, in fact I feel it’s trying to bring me down in some way. I mean, I was kinda happy before but this song is just a perpetual running candle of despair. Oh help, that fucking key change pulls at the spiderwebs that hold my heart together in a blatant disregard for human safety. Awful in ways no sane person could accomplish.

Verdict: Stodgy stools
Final: Yes because everyone who watches this has no taste and I want to see it lose in the final

6 – NETHERLANDS – Douwe Bob – Slow Down

Let me try and breathe after that last one. Okay, calm again. This is fairly lovely. Straight out of Nashville – reminiscent of that one they entered two years ago that didn’t win. Holland knows all about never winning at anything because they have windmills.

Verdict: YOU SUCK BECAUSE OF WINDMILLS
Final: Yes

7 – ARMENIA – Iveta Mukuchyan – LoveWave

Sounds despairingly like Tina Turner singing in the shower while the record was on in another room. As she slit her wrists.

Verdict: Tina Turner is in my 2016 deadpool so it’s all good
Final: Yes

8 – SAN MARINO – Serhat – I Didn’t Know

Ooh, kinda sounds like Leonard Cohen sodomising himself with a microphone as the karaoke plays some Bee Gees disco into his anal Channel Tunnel. It starts to grow on you. So cheesy, so San Marino. Yes. This is all things.

Verdict: Great in every way Zerovision isn’t
Final: No

9 – RUSSIA – Sergey Lazarev – You Are The Only One

Ah, the gay crowd pleaser. Achingly poor, like a tribute act to Keith Harris and Orville. The synth keys at the start sound like a frantic spastic licking a plastic bowl filled with horsecock. The soulless voice that gibbers out Hallmark greeting card clutches of cliché attempts to lift us up into a state of euphoria, but it’s secretly whispering “I am going to kill everything you’ve ever loved” into your ear at night while shitting into your box of Coco Pops.

Verdict: Prepare the death camps.
Final: Yes because you lot are the fucking worst.

10 – CZECH REPUBLIC – Gabriela Gunčíková – I Stand

The boring ballad that only countries that matter can get away with.

On the other hand, I just googled her and she has eyes like cream-pied vaginas so we’re all good here.

A8pC-93CQAAPOXU

Splurge.

Verdict: Around a teaspoon of effort on my part
Final: No, because you were too busy cleaning the poop out of your cereal to notice it.

11 – CYPRUS – Minus One – Alter Ego

Ha, this goes really well after that last one. Really liking it. Ridiculous solos, beats better than Dr Dre getting beat up by cops, enjoyable throughout, up-tempo and hilariously funky. Nice to see a eurorock song finally.

Verdict: Stompy as fuck.
Final: Yes & Win

12 – AUSTRIA – Zoë – Loin d’ici

Urgh. As empty as my balls after looking at pics of Gabriela Gunčíková

Verdict: No.
Final: No

13 – ESTONIA – Jüri Pootsmann – Play

Another
Boring
Ballad
By
Some
Daft
Cunt
Who
Doesn’t
Matter

That’s two turds in a row. It’s like cleaning up after my cats.

Verdict: A child’s kaleidoscope pointed up Gary Lineker’s dirty bumhole
Final: No

14 – AZERBAIJAN – Samra – Miracle

The arrangements this year are quite repetitive – a good chunk of them have a boring verse and then a catchy chorus. That being said, this one has a great chorus. I think a combination of aspirational lyrics and a really really strong sound light the whole song up. We’re in some serious territory here. I think this one has a great chance.

Verdict: Rather splendid
Final: Yes and Win

15 – MONTENEGRO – Highway – The Real Thing

Good opening, boring verse again, driving pre-chorus that leads to a slightly bewildering chorus. Possibly the worst chorus I’ve heard this year. Montenegro have a go at being Skrillex five years too late and it is shameful.

Verdict: Like someone turned the light off when you’re trying to poke your friend’s eyes out while they’re asleep
Final: There is more chance of my friend’s eyes working again

16 – ICELAND – Greta Salóme – Hear Them Calling

A lovely verse, a real energy to it, and FUCK ME THAT IS AWESOME. TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS. So much good. Much greatness. Yes. Cake orgasm.

Verdict: TRUMPETS MAKE ME CUM YOU GUYS.
Final: Yes & Win

17 – BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA – Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner & Jala – Ljubav je

Oh, there’s more. That’s the contest over right? Iceland blatantly win and that’s that, yeah?

No? Okay, well this is some callous-fingered slock with a random rap stuck in as it churns through as many ethnic stereotypes it can before vomiting itself to sleep. As insincere as Hillary Clinton at a blowjob convention.

Verdict: Snooze
Final: No

18 – MALTA – Ira Losco – Walk On Water

A wonderful mix of Fatboy Slim and 90s dance culture let this track really pop.

Verdict: Mal-teasers
Final: Yes

SEMI-FINAL 2

It’s 5.30am on a Saturday and I just woke up. I’ve decided my half-asleep state makes this the perfect time to listen to the songs in the second semi-final.

1 – LATVIA – Justs – Heartbeat

This sounds like I just put on my Spotify Discover playlist. I had to check that I didn’t do that. It’s probably the one that sounds most like a modern song. Vocals still a little Zerovisiony but the music is very nice.

I like this one a lot but the lyrics are so bad. As the arrangement is quite sparse it’s all held together by his vocals, so if his performance is bad on the night it’ll be all over.

Verdict: Feeling your arsebeat
Final: Yes

2 – POLAND – Michał Szpak – Color Of Your Life

The last one had bad lyrics, this one has bad everything. Sounds like a Savage Garden B-side 20 years too late. The slow hip hop beat drags the rhythm down and literally screams at me to turn it off. For a three-minute song it feels like it goes on forever.

Verdict: I love you Poland but I’ve chosen deafness.
Final: Yes

3 – SWITZERLAND – Rykka – The Last Of Our Kind

Does this open with “Soldier – take off your rubber?” That is quite filthy. I love it. Rykka’s vocal is very nice. I really like her tone too. Yeah, the downbeat nature of her verse vocal vs. the upbeat chorus works extraordinarily well. One of my favourites.

Verdict: Look at what we can produce with all this stolen Jew gold in our banks.
Final: Not in a million years.

4 – ISRAEL – Hovi Star – Made Of Stars

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD

I am kinda hoping it doesn’t do anything but this. No build. Just him and piano. I think it would have a chance, as it would stand out against the others. One minute in and some strings have come in. This is gonna explode isn’t it? I can feel the build…

Oh well, it did break but not in a dumb dubstep way or anything. I think it works quite well. Definitely a contender due to its simple nature.

Verdict: Actually, you’re made of scars (on your penis)
Final: Oh yes.

5 – BELARUS – Ivan – Help You Fly

What is this? Why does it exist? I’m noticing a theme where the music is a little modern but the vocal is still karaoke on a foreign holiday.

That is the most ridiculous side-chain synth I’ve heard in Eurovision. It’s okay but the drums are too standard and don’t play enough fills to emphasise anything. Technically quite good but emotionally very flat like Metallica.

Verdict: JUST DULL
Final: No

6 – SERBIA – ZAA Sanja Vučić – Goodbye (Shelter)

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 2

Oh man, this one is godawful. It’s every Eurovision cliché being thrown into the mix and coming out like treacled arse cancer. On a scale of David Cameron to Jeremy Corbyn this one is Josef Fritzl.

Verdict: A pap smear of ineptitude
Final: No

7 – IRELAND – Nicky Byrne – Sunlight

A song for the Catholic church it appears. “Touch who you wanna, kiss who you gotta”.

Disgusting and wrong.

Verdict: The power of Christ compels you
Final: Yes

8 – MACEDONIA – Kaliopi – Dona

A companion piece to Serbia. Bad guitars, bad strings. A lament to the kebab shop that’s closed after you’ve been kicked out of a club, stumbled around drunk, then sucked off a random in a back alley.

Verdict: Dona kebab
Final: No

9 – LITHUANIA – Donny Montell – I’ve Been Waiting For This Night

STANDARD PIANO BALLAD 3

Fucking seriously? Piano again? Other instruments do exist guys!

Ah, but then we get cool. I like the pounding drums and urgent drive this one has. Second verse is much better and the chorus is really quite awesome. Love the synth patch that comes in on the second run of the chorus.

Verdict: Me and him we’ve got the hunger, we’re getting older but we want ’em younger
Final: Yes

10 – AUSTRALIA – Dami Im – Sound Of Silence

How are these cunts in again? Sounds of silence? Is that about the aborigines?

Not a patch on the one they entered last year. We really could have done without another song that sounded like this.

Verdict: Verse of snooze, chorus of bruise, finale of lose
Final: Yes

11 – SLOVENIA – ManuElla – Blue And Red

A banjo and bottle neck guitar? I mean, it’s quite interesting. The drums are really unimaginative and a few fills would add that bit of sparkle to give this a bit more to it. I do like it though. I just don’t know why.

Verdict: Poo is poo, smeg is smeg
Final: Yes

12 – ROMANIA – Ovidiu Anton – Moment Of Silence

Ah, a lot bolder piano ballad here. A bit more Disney cartoon here. Man, it really does sound like it could have been taken from Frozen or something.

Vocals sound like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden though..

Verdict: Still better than Iron Maiden’s entire career
Final: Not even if it was still in the contest

13 – BULGARIA – Poli Genova – If Love Was A Crime

If Love Was A Crime? What type of love are you talking about? Child love? Incest love? Hamster love? Hamsters are just too tough to love. You have to wrap them in gaffer tape otherwise they burst when you fuck them.

Verdict: A phony and pitiful waste of everyone’s time
Final: No

14 – DENMARK – Lighthouse X – Soldiers Of Love

Peak boyband! Weak production and vocoded vocals. Chorus is definitely missing something. Oh yes – an atomic bomb.

Verdict: Too much cynicism and not enough cyanide
Final: Yes

15 – UKRAINE – Jamala – 1944

This is pretty goddamn dark. The ominous title of 1944 suggests this song has an agenda. We get a slice of trip-hop that never goes anywhere but sounds very 90s and fits the song appropriately. Interested to see how this does. Gut feeling is that it doesn’t do well at all.

Verdict: 194-flaw
Final: No

16 – NORWAY – Agnete – Icebreaker

About hitting my limit with this. It’s now 7.39am and they all sound like the same song.

I appreciate the half-speed chorus on this one but the overproduced vocals on all these tracks is frustrating. On this song you can absolutely hear how they have plotted out the autotune on her vocal steps. I assume that means the live performance will be hideous as the country this song comes from.

Verdict: No-Way
Final: No

17 – GEORGIA – Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz – Midnight Gold

Ah, here we go. Something a bit different after a mountain of regurgitated Viagra. Where they go wrong is having a guitar-based chorus. This is absolutely doomed. Why no vocals on the chorus?

Oh, it gets a bit different in the final minute. Chirpy wirbly electronics and a pounding beat. This song sounds like it could be 5 mins long and they’ve cut it down to fit 3 mins.

Verdict: Rifftastic nulpoints
Final: Yes

18 – ALBANIA – Eneda Tarifa – Fairytale

Please no more. My penis is wilting like Trump Towers after a terrorist attack. A cosplay version of something you’ve heard before. There is more genuine emotion in a can of Strongbow than this. A fairytale to those who will die alone.

Verdict: Are you reading this on your smartphone while ignoring your significant other right now? You’re going to die alone.
Final: Yes

19 – BELGIUM – Laura Tesoro – What’s The Pressure

SQUELCH. Oh man, the funk bass on this is ridiculous. SQUELCH SQUELCH! Haha, yeah, this one is amazing. Chorus is a little bit less than I wanted but could well be a grower. This one is definitely going to be in the final.

Verdict: SQUELCH SQUELCH SQUELCH
Final: Yes

SOME OTHER CUNTS

All the below go straight into the final because they subsidise global terrorism on behalf of the EU. My verdict for these is based on if I think they’ll make the Top 5 in the final.

FRANCE – Amir – J’ai cherché

This is a real turn up. It’s a Eurovision song from France that’s actually good. Also, chorus in English – isn’t that punishable by death in France? Or by ISIS, or whoever runs their country anyway. Very pleased with this one – no boring bits, keeps things going throughout, lovely vocals.

Verdict: Tres Bien Bon Pantalon
Top 5: Yes

GERMANY – Jamie-Lee – Ghost

Sorry, was just looking at an empty page on Google for 3 minutes.

Did a song happen?

Verdict:
Top 5: No

ITALY – Francesca Michielin – No Degree Of Separation

Here we are folks. The nul pointer for this year. I don’t mean that literally, but it certainly has no chance at all. Boring through and through, like Michael Owen discussing wood planing in a beige camper van. So slow and purposeless your mind is left to consider more exciting things. Like doing the ironing, cleaning the cat litter, or shitting yourself out of spite.

Verdict: BT SPORT
Top 5: No

SPAIN – Barei – Say Yay!

It needs a decent placement in the running order, this one. There are better songs in the contest that do the building into a big stompy chorus thing (hello Iceland), but if they all get kicked out in the semi-finals this could be there to take the glory.

Verdict: Brittle like a memory of a forgotten lover who drowned in a shark attack
Top 5: No

SWEDEN – Frans – If I Were Sorry

Um. Sweden are usually kings at this but this is just awful. Looks like they’re trying to throw the competition. It’s a gigantic mistake of a song, failing at a great wealth of things. I was really looking forward to this one and then to hear this is a real let-down.

Verdict: Disappointment is now my life
Top 5: No

UNITED KINGDOM – Joe and Jake – You’re Not Alone

Like the cataclysmic doom cry of a million orphaned children lactating into a vat of human faeces comes the UK entry. Yes, they may be Thunderbird haircuts on strings but the track sounds full and with its lush guitar sparkle, the arrangement stands this out as a contender.

Now let’s all celebrate that we declined thousands of refugee children access to the UK last week.

Verdict: More of a chance than Syria.
Top 5: Yes

Summary

A strange year. Hopefully the semi-finals get rid of all these boring building songs, or at least trim them down to give the competition a bit of variety. So, in closing then I would pick the following tracks:

My Faves

ICELAND
FRANCE
FINLAND
AZERBAIJAN
UNITED KINGDOM

Outsiders

LITHUANIA
HUNGARY
CYPRUS
GEORGIA
BELGIUM

Worst songs that will probably win

RUSSIA
CROATIA
SWEDEN

Eurovision 2012 – The Reviews

19 Apr

Hello again my little chicadees! Glad to see you have returned for another wonderful journey through the unwavering constant awfulness of Foreign Musak. My name is Don and I’ll be your guide. Right then, let’s get to it.

Montenegro: Rambo Amadeus – Euro-Neuro

Oh lord. You have wasted 30 seconds of your song with some blurb and a bad soap opera laugh. All I can think of is “in soviet Russia music makes you” kind of voice. This is genuinely bad. Not even in a funny way. Just random instruments parping out poops of sound while some Russian IT support technician speaks a load of bollocks.

Good part: He is called Rambo Amadeus
Bad part: Vocals and music. No chorus. Instantly forgettable.
Verdict: Will not qualify

Iceland: Greta Salóme & Jónsi – Never Forget

Ah, yes. Hello Eurovision. Ooh, nice female backing. A duet too! I misjudged duets last year. If it’s a duet it’ll usually do well. Okay, maybe later I’ll think this is terrible but I quite like this right now. Mostly cos that first song was FUCKING AWFUL and this is the first proper song I’ve heard today. It ticks all the cheesy boxes, with a funny little violin solo.

Good part: Nice dual vocals. Really good arrangement.
Bad part: Could have come from any Eurovision contest previously.
Verdict: Qualify

Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

Interestingly, this song is about how aroused Greece get when they squander all of the bail-out money Europe gives them. Apart from this clearly being a song sounding like it was dialled in by someone requesting “uptempo Greek song” it’s quite good. Love the dirty synth on it and her vocals are very karaoke. – too loud in the mix for my liking.

Good part: Chorus is strong, like the maniac/aphrodisiac line.
Bad part: Thinks it is modern but sounds like it’s 20 years old.
Verdict: Qualify & Top 5

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

Awful. Terrible backing sounds. Ironically, this song is about a beautiful song and all it does is reinforce everything that this song isn’t. Lyrics are so bad. It’s like someone wrote random words on a piece of glass then stuffed it up their anus and shat out the broken bleeding pieces into a poop libretti.

Good part: I still have my health
Bad part: Every cell-killing second
Verdict: Not qualify

Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus

Yay! Piano ballad. Jk. It’s shit. It better not just be this gutter waste of emotive exploitation for the whole song. Oh. This is ghastly. Fucking shut up with your wailing screechy noise, you boring cow. A badly realised instrumental break is the only let up before her banshee shriek comes in again. This is the worst type of music. If I was in the audience I would throw rocks. Or dirty nappies. It’s just an adult baby wailing for their toys for 3 minutes over a badly arranged orchestra.

Good part: I’m 3 minutes closer to death.
Bad part: Sounds like a baby crying for 3 minutes
Verdict: Cot death.

Romania: Mandinga – Zaleilah

Oh cool. I like this Balkan flavoured stuff. Big fan of gypsy folk, etc. This is very silly sounding but you know what? They sound like they’re having fun. And after that last one I’m willing to forgive them for anything. Don’t expect this mood to last long. But yeah, like this.

Good part: Made me move the razor away from my wrist
Bad part: Was probably entered last year
Verdict: Qualify

Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable

Snow patrol/Goo Goo Dolls, etc, and all the guitar bands that don’t matter anymore. Whoa. This sounds like Andreas Johnson. Remember that Glorious song from years ago? These vocals do not sit well on this song. I think there is a better vocal melody for this song. Sounds a bit arrogant and “I could do better” but I think I could.

Good part: Sounds like he says “wrecking ball” and not Unbreakable. Haha.
Bad part: Crap chorus
Verdict: Won’t qualify

Belgium: Iris – Would You?

NUL POINTS. Only kidding. Her vocals are lovely. Is she hot?

A mouth for sucking penis

ARGRGHGRGHRHGRG. This one has taken me by surprise. I think it’s brilliant. Yep, all I can say.

Good part: I love the chorus. It is beautiful.
Bad part: See photo.
Verdict: Win.

Finland: Pernilla Karlsson – När jag blunder

Ooh, unfortunate that this comes after that last one. Quite similar. Last one in English, this one is jabbawookie. Chorus is unremarkable, not enough instrumentation and not dynamic enough. Verse is better actually. Big mistake.

Good part: Pretty verse.
Bad part: Ugly chorus. Too kooky for my taste.
Verdict: Not qualify

Israel: Izabo – Time

Funny hearing people from Israel saying they’ll “obey”. Not from my experience. (Palestine, ceasefires, not massacring people, etc). Although a different style this feels very much to me like a T-Rex song for some reason. Bit of glam stomp on the drums and the chorus vocals and all daft. Yeah, this one is amusing enough. And after too slower ones will of course do well.

Good part: Reminds me of T-Rex.
Bad part: Sounds like it was stitched together from spare pieces. Badly produced/edited.
Verdict: Qualify

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song – Oh Oh-Uh-Oh Oh

WUT? It appears that San Marino have just got the internet and Facebook. Other countries will laugh out fucking loud at this one. I know I am. Expect a fucking train wreck.

Good part: So you wanna make love to me. Am I really your cup of tea? Is the best lyric of all time.
Bad part: Every. Fucking. Second.
Verdict: Not qualify.

Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La La Love

Whoa. This is basically Rihanna. Yep, a toned down Eurovision version. Not as filthy or cum-slurping as a Rihanna song but very like S&M, etc. Cheesy synth but used in a way that still sounds like current musical trends. Who wrote this? Bastard.

Yeah, if a ballad/duet doesn’t win and they go for an uptempo one. Then this will do very well.

Good part: Music is dead.
Bad part: Well of course it’s awful. But it sounds like trending pop music so it will do well.
Verdict: Top four.

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve Known Better

Review writes itself. Oh it makes me think of another song. Gah! Can’t think what… Nice little pop song. SEAL! It sounds like Crazy by Seal! Well then it will do pretty good.

Good part: Familiarity breeds points.
Bad part: Lyrics are hilariously bad.
Verdict: Qualify

Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party For Everybody

WELL JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO IT. DISTRACT EUROPE WHILE MILLIONS OF COMRADES STARVE TO DEATH OR GET PUT IN DEATH CAMPS. SMILE AND DANCE OR WE WILL KILL YOU.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Good part: False entertainment is quite amusing
Bad part: Putin is a mass murdering cunt.
Verdict: Qualify as no one will fuck with Russia.

Hungary: Compact Disco – Sound Of Our Hearts

Really nice drum programming. Wowey! A glorious chorus. GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKER. Good bit of glitch and dubstep synth but not overly reliant on it. Song stands strong on its own and it is beautifuckingful.

I love you Hungary. Also, thank you for Sziget last year. I had the best time ever.

Good part: Makes me reminisces an extraordinary orgasm. The chorus is me cumming.
Bad part:It is not 2 hours long.
Verdict: Qualify

Austria: Trackshittaz – Woki mit deim Popo

Whoa. For a second there seeing Austria and Trackshittaz made me do a doubletake and I thought it said Auschwitz.

Well, maybe not such a bad double-take. This is about as enjoyable. Joyless, soulless and really badly produced.

Good part: It sounds like they’re saying “poo poo.”
Bad part: The more I hear it the more catchy it gets. ARGH, By the night I’ll probably think it’s ace.
Verdict: More fun would be had at Auschwitz.

Moldova: Pasha Parfeny – Lautar

I can’t give you an opinion on this. It could be good. It might be diarrhoea clinging to a smelly bottom. I’ve just been too bombarded with stuff that sounds like this. Feels too long even for 3 minutes. Not enough changes, is boring by the end, just kinda stops. Needed a grand stand finish but instead limps home like a rapist with terminal cancer.

Good part: It is quite jolly.
Bad part: Just feels dead inside.
Verdict: Not qualify

Ireland: Jedward – Waterline

Everyone’s favourite. Still a huge fan of Lipstick insanely. Great pop song. This is much more middle of the road. Not as fun. Feels too serious and not as exciting melody wise. Sounds like it was written for a boy band and then given – inexplicably – to Jedward. Chrous is good but not much else about it does it for me.

Oh and they are still, very much, absolute twats.

Good part: They are ridiculous and hopeless.
Bad part: Not as good as Lipstick.
Verdict: They are on last in the semi final, They will qualify. They will come Top 5.

Serbia: Željko Joksimovic – Nije ljubav stvar

Shit.

Verdict: Sounds like a Lord of the Rings theme with a paedophile singing. Not qualify.

Macedonia: Kaliopi – Crno i belo

Same song as Serbia with a woman singing. Finally gets lively halfway through. I like how it builds all the way through. Yeah, okay. Terrible guitar solo though. Doesn’t fit but will be fun for the audience so can’t see it not doing okay.

Verdict: Qualify.

Netherlands: Joan Franka – You And Me

It’s a Joanna Newsom song. Can’t see anyone taking to this. Not a Eurovison song at all and wonderfully ignorable. Crap ending.

Verdict: Not qualify.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This Is The Night

Most obvious song ever. Love it when they put a huge dance beat on and it falls massively flat on stage. Music not loud enough. None of the music sits against the vocals or compliments it. Hugely underwhelming. Hated it.

Verdict: Qualify

Belarus: Litesound – We Are The Heroes

Sounds like the last one. Fuck me, I have to say the second semi final is absolutely conventional shitty Eurovision. This is just like anything else. Music I would never listen to.

HAhahAHhahHAhAH. He said “We are the wieners” on the chorus. HahahAHa. You stupid Belarus dildo chomper. THIS SONG SHOULD BE CALLED WE ARE THE WEINERS.

Chorus is winning/wiening me over.

Verdict: Will qualify will not wien though.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida minha

Ah yes, what we needed was another pathetic sludgefest of accordion. So patronisingly void it’s an empty coffin or a uterus after an abortion.

Verdict: Will not qualify

Ukraine: Gaitana – Be My Guest

Ooh, after a shaky start I quite like the disco/90s dance vibe. Vocal is too FX’d. Shame they tried to do a dubstep wub bass. It is an octave too high. Song is pleasant enough but really it’s just a tune written for Reikartz Hotel adverts or some shit.

Verdict: Will def qualify

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

Limited amount of love for this one. Vocals are too nice for a song like this. Very Faithless sounding. Nice bit of shuffle going on with rhythm. Pretty sure it doesn’t work. Definitely sure an audience will not understand it. Feels too stressful for the listener. Nice but try harder.

Verdict: Will not qualify.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

A ballad, per chance? Not much going for it. Very much a film score piece of music. Imagine horses riding into the sunset, or a man and woman in love dancing in a circle. All those clichés. Yep, it’s every Eurovision ballad ever. And while not awful it doesn’t endear itself to me.

Verdict: Top Five.

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

Nah, not feeling anything for this. Absolute nothing of worth here.

Verdict: Will qualify

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Their production is always flawless. Dicks. Again we’re in 90s dance music territory but the arrangement is incredible. Great dynamics. Not sure about change from chorus to verse or middle. A bit cobbled together. That “up-up-up-up” bit reminds me again of Rihanna of course.

Verdict: Qualify and top 3

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m A Joker

Catastrophic fail after Sweden. None of this song works. Has one thing and does it over and over a fucking gain. Bends space and time to make 3 of your minutes as hellishly repulsive as foreignly possible,

Verdict: Comes last.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love Me Back

What I hate most about this is the rapist revealed in the lyrics. We all know stories about Turkish waiters fucking our girlfriends on their summer holidays. This is very much a song about that. It’s very much a “I know you don’t want to but I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU. Later, when you’re crying with cum and blood are dripping out of all your holes and you beg me not to kill you I find some way of reasoning that what I have done was forgivable. After all it was you that lead me on in the first place, wasn’t it?

Disgustingly evil, unrepentantly arrogant and gloatingly sexist. On a level par with Chris Brown and a notch up from Anders Behring Breivik.

Verdict: Aids.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Well. I am listening. And nothing is happening. (1.15)

I suppose that was a chorus. (2:05)

Oh, drums. (2.10)

Don’t care.

Verdict. Qualify.

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t Close Your Eyes

Bon Jovi. Middle of the road rock. As unimaginative as you can picture. Like when the Sterophonics thought they were being rock and roll. Lots of guitar flourishes.

Terrible ending too.

Verdict: Qualify as it’s the only rock song so far.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Oh yes. Much better. Adore that synth hook. Massive chorus. Ticks all the fucking boxes, If they go for an up tempo one this will win by a billion points.

Verdict: Win (uptempo vote)

Bosnia & Herzegovina: MayaSar – Korake ti znam

So, testicle cancer. If you’re a guy you need to be thinking about it. We’re all getting older and you need to check your balls. I myself had a scare earlier this year and it was a seriously daunting time before the scan turned out fine.

Waiting for results and being haunted by your life potentially being changed instantly while putting on a brave face and pretending everything is okay is summed up perfectly by this disease of a song.

Verdict: Malignant.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love Is Blind

Very similar to the last one but vocally more engaging I guess. Sounds like someone remixed this and added lots of badness halfway through. Typical funk bass and four to the floor beat. Shame it didn’t go the full way and include sidechained synths.

Verdict: last song in the semi? Qualify then lose heavily in final

United Kingdom: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love Will Set You Free

What can you say about this? Quite downbeat and melancholy but with little sparks of tenderness. Totally bumsexual and music even your mum wouldn’t listen to. But Engelbert will nail the performance so no worries about that. Could do very well.

Verdict: Top five

France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)

Makes no sense. Muddled beginning. Just plain shit opening to be fair,

Not enough for me to get into. Too skittery and all over the place. Needs to settle and let what they’re trying to express breathe. Too messy.

Verdict: Poked down the plughole with a big toe.

Italy: Nina Zilli – L’amore è femmina (Out Of Love)

Very like Lena’s song from two years ago. Very like Amy Winehouse/Duffy 60s sound. As cheap and obvious as a Berlusconi chat up line. And as dull as one of his scandals.

Verdict: Flushed away.

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeva – When The Music Dies

Bad and boring.

Verdict: Mega amount of points.

Spain: Pastora Soler – Quédate conmigo

EXACTLY the same as Azerbanjo for first minute. Chorus is better than Azerbaijans but in the same way a sandwich made out of your dad’s poo would be better than a sandwich made out of David Cameron’s.

Verdict: Awful Awful awful. Probably win for no good reason.

Germany: Roman Lob – Standing Still

Very nice. In fact quite a shock. Usually something I wouldn’t like but overall quite pleasant. Germany always do well so this can’t go too badly wrong. Can’t be harsh about it really.

Verdict: Top five

Top 6 Verdicts in no particular order.
Norway, Sweden, Germany, UK, Hungary, Iceland