SEMI-FINAL 1. A final summary.

9 May

Sweden – Solid slice of pop. Just try to sing “I just love dongs” over the chorus. Best use of treadmill and dancing.  Easily top 5 in final. Each way bet for certain. It’s all downhill from here.

Georgia – First of many standing alone on stage performances, only lyrics are keep the faith.  Bon Jovi song is better. Her voice wobbles a lot. Hate it.

Australia – Boyband cheese. I kinda like it. Dull stage though.

Albania – Tragic. Won’t qualify.

Belgium – Hipster triangles all over the place. She looks scared to be there. Will do okay.

Montenegro – Total Eurovision klaxon. Funky funk. Like Louis Spence with a wig on. No chance at all. His voice ain’t so great either live. A personal favourite.

Finland – Black bird? You mean brown turd. Probably the worst song in the competition.  Will do well.

Azerbaaijan – like a dark pop gem but rehearsals don’t look good and no idea what the hell the stage show is about. Just her in a room with falling down walls and a man carrying a horse’s head. No Skeletons at all. I like it. 

Portugal – just the worst. Make it gayer or get out. Will probably win. Hate it.

Greece – worst voice in the competition. Pretty nice song but bad performance. No chance.

Poland – she’d have more luck making a range of fleshlights.

Moldova – Total Eurovision klaxon again! Best sax of all the songs. Awful in every conceivable way and the best song in the competition of course. 

Iceland – Sounds like Robyn. Great performance and weirdo stage look. Easily in the final.

Czech Republic – HAHAHA HAHAHA.  A TIN FOIL BURRITO COULD SING BETTER. Nice song but she is BAD. Will come last.

Cyprus – if he sings this well it can qualify. I love that slow back beat but he often wobbles on the notes…

Armenia – somehow a favourite. Good stage show but just sounds like someone sped up the music from a Tarantino film over most of it.

Slovenia – he can actually sing so no idea why Noone likes this. Song and lyrics are naff but vs the crap you’ve just sat through, this is just as crap.

Latvia – 90s dance song with the most tired synth patch making it even worse. Sounds like it is a 3 minute edit of a 5 minute long song.


Most of the songs I like won’t qualify and you’ll all like one of the shit Adele ballads.


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