Eurovision 2017: The Un-United Kingdom entries

27 Jan


Well what a year 2016 was for the UK. And by the UK I mean England and Wales the silly useless fuds for voting out of the EU. This could well represent our last Eurovision – mostly because I doubt there’ll be much of a world left in 2018 based on current events.

Danyl Johnson – Light up the World

Urgh. Sounds like Hootie and the Blowfish sung over an arrangement written by a bedroom shut-in who still thought The Streets were relevant. Lyrically tragic and wetter than Donald Trump’s millimetre flabby thrusts into the quivering thighs of his prisoner wife.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Kick Danyl out of the UK.

Olivia Garcia – Freedom Hearts

The theme to Nigel Farage and his whole gang of slobbering numbcunts marching down the street demanding freedom while enslaving anyone who is different. Parallel universe levels of awfulness with the added bonus of being as emotionally unfulfilling as your last three dates.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Get them out for the lads

Salami Mastrioianniioananiiioou – I Don’t Want to Fight

This is more like it. Can’t quite put my finger on which artist this is ripping off but it’s not dreadful. Lyrically it sounds like the current Labour party – making excuses and laying down to the rightwing steamroller rather than being an actual opposition which would get in the way of their tea and biscuits. Anyone in that camp can go open their throats on their mother’s cock.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Phwoooooar. Slobber. Drool.

Nate Simpson – What Are We Made Of

This one is okay. A huge melancholy ballad. That sums up the UK to me. A few transitions between sections are a little jarring and don’t get any better with listens. The end is a glorious tour de force of vocals (for Eurovision) and I think if he pulls that off on the night he has a chance.

It’s very much an Apology For Brexit song with quite a bleak outlook of 2017 Britain. For that I have to give it respect.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Traitor remoaner cuck.

Holly Brewer – I Wish I Loved You More

Note to Holly: 2002 called and asked for it’s song back.

Songs don’t sound like this anymore. It’s a Kelly Clarkson or P!nk b-side. Chorus is okay but verse is porridge. Considering it’s only 3 minutes it feels longer than the rest of them put together. It slows time it’s so dreary. No real climax so it goes on the scrapheap.

Opinion from the EU: Yay for Brexit
Opinion from the UK: Hacks her phone to leak nude pics.

Lucie Jones – Never Give Up On You

Now this lady has a beautiful voice. I find that always helps in these song contests. Different pace to the others half expecting that drum and bass break that never comes.

Better than the last decade of Eurovision combined.

Opinion from the EU: She can live here.
Opinion from the UK: Sorry. What was that? I was too busy commenting on Guardian articles with my professional opinion of being a dick.

Final standings then

Lucie Jones
Nate Simpson
Salami Mastrioianniioananiiioou
Danyl Johnson
Holly Brewer
Olivia Garcia

Ps. Fuck the current UK and US government and anyone who supports them.


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