Eurovision Vienna: 2015 – A run down of the finalistzzzz

22 May


Okay! So now the semi’s are over – and let’s face it we’ve all lost our semis after the flaccid wrecks of music that made it through – I thought I would post an update on my final thoughts before the final.

Here are my ignorant, childish and tongue-in-cheek comments about all this year’s rubbish. Please note: my verdicts are based on where I think the song will end up rather than where I want it to end up (Which would be on fire).

1. SLOVENIA – Maraaya – Here For You

Amy Winehouse basically. Blah blah blah, why is she wearing headphones? Her voice is annoying. She is annoying. That guy on the piano is annoying. Why are they miming playing a violin? Urgh.

Feels like they slowed it down and it’s just a beat or two off the pace it needs to be. Shame.

Verdict: Beats By Drivel

2. FRANCE – Lisa Angell – N’oubliez pas

Hi Lisa. I’ve just built a time machine. Let me take you back in time a few months. Actually, a few centuries. Yep. You can’t do any harm to our ears in the stone age. Goodbye.

Verdict: Bottom 10

3. ISRAEL – Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy

What? You tell your mum that someone broke your heart? And you want your mum to fucking speak to your ex about it? No wonder she dumped your coward ass. You’re the king of fun, eh? I’d hate to see what your idea of fun is? Probably driving tanks over Palestinian families while masturbating the rest of your cronies in the IDF, you deluded Zionist war criminal.

On a lighter note, the song is fine. Fun and bouncy and aimed at the gay crowd mostly. Bread and circuses, etc.

Verdict: Top 10

4. ESTONIA – Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday

Something quite Pulp Fiction mixed with a children’s programme here. Maybe a bit of Chris Isaak thrown in too. Missing the vital part though: the bit worth remembering about any of it. It’s just a theme song to some TV show that gets cancelled after half a season. Abstractly poor.

Verdict: Ignore what I just wrote. I love this one. Top 5.

5. UNITED KINGDOM – Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You


Look, it’s the worst thing we’ve entered in a while. It’s also the best worst thing we could have made. Hey, I’m from Scotland and voted for Independence to stop these English pigs sending shit like this over to disease your children but we have lots of sycophants here who voted against it.

Also, this is the Bird’s Eye potato waffles theme.

Verdict. I‘m still not in love with you. More boos than Russia. Last.

6. ARMENIA – Genealogy – Face The Shadow

First three piano notes made my penis shrink so far back inside my body it made it concave. Urgh, then a burly man’s vocals came in and poked it back out by shafting me up the arse. Three vocalists so far? All trying to outdo each other. Was the arrangement written by Explosions In the Sky? It’s like an attempt to make post-pop. Absolutely hideously awful and none of it goes together particularly well.

Just a terrible mess – like a rejected Disney song, maybe from an alternative cut of Cinderella where the Prince smashes the glass slipper over her head and thrusts himself into the wound to see if her skull-fracture fits his cock.You know, the way Jimmy Savile chose his girls with that cigar of his?

I have since learned that this song is about the genocide of Armenian people 100 years ago. Which is ironic as the song itself is also a war crime.

Verdict: Bottom 10

7. LITHUANIA – Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – This Time

‘I’m feeling hate. I want blood.’ Is that what the lyrics are? I agree.

Banjo playing crap excreted by dreadful human beings who can somehow warp time and make 3 minutes last forever. Also, it’s poo.

Verdict: Bottom 5

8. SERBIA – Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies

Opening like a Fuck Buttons track before introducing Obvious Female Vocals #483. Embarrassing production on the mp3 – vocals are far too loud and all the emotion is lost. There is potential that on the night this may sound stronger than it does to me today, but when I say strong I mean Andrex toilet paper strength rather than say A FUCKING DOUBLEDECKER BUS.

And then we get to the fucking middle bit. Some arsenugget presses the demo button on their Casio keyboard and we get some shitty electro shanty.

In retrospect, this one is pretty great. The fun they’re having is as infectious as a sexually transmitted disease and I can only celebrate that.

Verdict: Top 10

9. NORWAY – Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me

Not entirely sure why but this is a duet where both of them have the same way of singing. It just makes you question why they bothered getting another vocalist in. Love the title but feel less for the song. There’s an element of the ballad that I quite like and the finale is solid but is this the best Norway could do? Sounds like a song on the second side of the second tape in a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation from any year between 1980 and 2000.

Verdict: Bottom 5

10. SWEDEN – Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes

Man, Sweden are bastards aren’t they? They know they’ve got the chorus all sewn up. Do they give it to you the first time? Do they bollocks. They tease us with it and then BOOM there is it. Arrangement arrangement arrangement. The most important part of the song for me. And these poopcannons are so good at it. Obviously the song is kinda average but the production just makes it glow. Top 3 finish then.

I do like their Lego too.

Verdict: Top 5 / Win

11. CYPRUS – John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done

No, the one thing you should have done was press “delete track.”

Seriously, they’ve put this after Sweden? HAHAHA. This will come last. It’s the dullest most boring ballad of all time. He makes three minutes feel like twenty – which is only impressive if you’re fucking someone.

Verdict: Last

12. AUSTRALIA – Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again

And then Australia after Cyprus? They really are the filling of a shit sandwich.

Okay, this is just a hipster “let’s just live for tonight” song. Which would be fine if you hadn’t just elected Tony Abbott – the cat-raping torture porn jerkoff master. After seeing him spout his anti-gay, anti-immigrant filth of course you don’t want tomorrow. Now’s the time to fight, not time to party.

Once again, on a lighter note, the song is very nice indeed. Has grown on me a lot and is my pick to win as everyone will give them points I reckon.

Verdict: Top 5

13. BELGIUM – Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside

Hint of Lorde here. Very slow beat – feels quite on the pulse with what I hear today. On record it sounds like the bass synth is way too quiet – on the night that may be awesome if turned up.

I like this one but no one else seems too. After Australia I think it’s in trouble in the final.

Oh, just seen the video now, and seen that ‘she’ is a ‘he’. Good luck on your stag do in Belgium folks.

Verdict: Bottom 10

14. AUSTRIA – The Makemakes – I Am Yours

Pleasant applause. Couple of points. Just catching the eye of the person next to you and the nod that says “not very good but thanks for the contest”.

I wrote the above sentence on hearing the mp3 only. After seeing the performance there’s possibly something about this one – much like Netherlands last year. It sticks out against the others and just that difference could give it some impact. Also, host country always gets goodwill gesture points.

Verdict: Top 5

15. GREECE – Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath

Sneering snort of laughter.

Oh fuck off.

I’m not one to suggest people from Greece are liars but let’s think about this: Maria says she only has one last breath yet makes that breath last for 3 minutes warbling about some tedious bullshit. So based on this outrageous lie how can we trust anything else they say? They probably have all that money they owe down the back of the sofa or stuffed into their mattresses. Fair play, to be honest. I’d write off what they owe if they promised to put Maria to death.

Verdict: On lifesupport.

16. MONTENEGRO – Knez – Adio

After being punished aurally by the last song and bludgeoned with its dreariness, even the whimpering of a dog being put to death would be an improvement right now. And let’s say Montenegro is a step up, yeah? Just.

Verdict: Middle of nowhere

17. GERMANY – Ann Sophie – Black Smoke

Germany singing about black smoke, eh? No extra comment required.

Ann sounds like she’s a much better vocalist than this song requires. It becomes quite demanding on the listener to suffer through all of this. Misses many opportunities to be better.

Verdict: Circling the drain.

18. POLAND – Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love

A downtempo track for mopey people who like female singer songwriters or those with brain damage. The vocals are just so beige. No emotion. A bewildering underwhelming mess that tries to tug at your heart strings but instead knits you a cardigan, shuts down your synapses and increases your chance of developing dementia by 85%.

Verdict: Bottom 10.

19. LATVIA – Aminata – Love Injected

Oh, well obviously this is the best one. It’s a little FKA Twigs with some really mean deep bass. No joke, would listen to this as part of my normal day. Annoying that Latvia are the ones to do this as no one is actually going to give them points really. Absolutely great tune tho. Complex and intimate. Everything you don’t want in Eurovision. 100% flawless.

Verdict: Top 10.

20. ROMANIA – Voltaj – De la capăt (All Over Again)

Oh man, it’s good when a country sings in their own language. Noticed a little similarity to Only Teardrops in a little refrain. I don’t have much to say about this one. It feels quite strong – oh a bit in English. Yeah, I like this one.

Are you still reading this? Ed Miliband is a fucking cunt.

Verdict: Top 10

21. SPAIN – Edurne – Amanecer

Fucking hell. This is the sonic equivalent of a used digestive after a round of the biscuit game. Absolute soggy mush yet too chewy to swallow. Would never have qualified if not for automatic entry.

Yes, I concur, she is very pretty but on the flipside she’s going out with Man United’s keeper. This song? It’s not a keeper.

Verdict: MIddle

22. HUNGARY – Boggie – Wars For Nothing


Verdict: Bottom 10

23. GEORGIA – Nina Sublatti – Warrior

Big bashy number. Like a good Rihanna track (all two of them). Certainly a good one to follow that bum trumpet from Hungary. Really needs a better chorus though – still manages to hold its own and I see great potential here.

Hot girls in crazy costumes and skintight pvc is always going to get votes. Now excuse me a moment while I go fill up a bathtub with jizz.

Verdict: Top 10

24. AZERBAIJAN – Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf


Less than 1% good. Dialled-in warbling, sloppy piano and key changes combine together about as well as a chicken vindaloo and 6 pounds of smegma.

Verdict: West Brom.

25. RUSSIA – Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices

Er. Is the first line to this “we are the worst people in the world”? Kudos to Russia. I’ve been thinking that for a while – yes, you are the worst people in the world. Not just because you are murdering anyone who dares to speak up against your Putin regime but because you send a song to Eurovision all about peace.

It’s like sending a Thank You card to the person who turned off your grandma’s life support. Or the person who ran over your child’s head with a Range Rover. Or any fuckweasel that supports Gamergate. Or Iain Duncan Smith for your ATOS benefit assessment.

On the song side- it’s great. Like really, really good. I think she’d make a great mail-order bride.

Verdict: Top 5

26. ALBANIA – Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive

Lots of Hey-yeah-yeah-yeahs early on which I’ve always felt was done better by that He-Man/4 Non Blondes song.

Heavily auto-tuned so believe this will be less good live. I inadvertently just called this song good. That’s probably unfair – the song is just musical mist. It’s slightly there and I can kinda notice it but it’s mostly just in the fucking way and spoiling my bastard day.

Verdict: Bottom 5

27. ITALY – Il Volo – Grande amore

Maybe the best piano in any of the songs so far. Which, in my terms, is like saying it’s the best lynching you’ve been to. Gives up the ghost a bit after setting the tone strongly. Mostly left wondering who would actually listen to a song that sounded like this for pleasure outside of a dick-measuring Eurovision contest.

Verdict: 56k modem dial up.


Everyone should be killed.


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