Ghostsmut’s Final Thoughts Before Eurovision Malmö 2013

18 May

France

It’s the Black Keys but with a female singer. It’s 200 – 1 to win.

Opposite of everything Eurovision and it starts the competition. Chorus has a great stomp. Just voted in gay marriage so bonus points for France.

Ghostsmut advice: Worth an each way punt at those odds.

Lithuania 200-1

It’s about parasitic brain worms. Or love.

For me the chorus feels a little A-Ha and not enough punch. However, a great performance might change that.

Ghostsmut advice: It’s Lithuania and they have no friends so who cares?

Moldova 100-1

YES! The first ballad. It’s rather lovely and builds very well. But no chance and I think she’ll mess up the high notes.

Finland 40-1
It’s a fucking war crime of a song. But has a lesbian kiss in it so let’s accept it.

Ghostsmut advice: Follow my advice and report it as a war crime like I did.

Spain 250-1

At least the song before it is terrible in a 90s pop way. This song is awful in a holy fuck you wrote that and thought it was worth sharing with other people? No wonder your fucking economy is fucking fucked.

Ghostsmut advice: PUT MONEY ON THIS FOR LAST PLACE.

Belgium 100-1

I like this one. The chorus is lovely and has a great vibe. But the singer has the charisma of David Cameron’s dead kid.

Ghostsmut advice: Each way punt for me.

Estonia 250-1

You’ll be asleep by the second chorus.

Ghostsmut advice: Have a nap.

Belarus 150-1

Good stomp feel after that awful ballad from Estonia. It’s about Solero ice lollies.

Ghostsmut advice: You will be sick of it after 30 seconds. Feels like a jingle for an advert.

Malta 66-1

This is Scouting For Girls. Might go down well with some people. I can’t swallow it personally.

Ghostsmut advice: If you like it then consider an each way. I can’t stand it to even consider that option.

Russia 16-1

Russia get votes from EVERYONE.

When I first heard it I described it as JIZZPUKE. I still stand by that. However, it’s the kind of JIZZPUKE that gets lots of votes. Urgh.

Ghostsmut advice: Reluctant each way bet.

Cascada – 40-1

Yes, it really is Cascada. Instead of them entering something poppy and cheesy they have enetered something lazy as fuck. Chorus is dull. No one cares.

Ghostsmut advice: Ignore

Armenia 250-1

Trivia: It’s written by Tony Iommi’ from Black fucking Sabbath. But it can’t stand out even after Cascada. And it’s FUCKING AWFUL.

Ghostsmut advice: Likely to be last place or as close to Spain as possible.

Netherlands 25-1

A real game changer this one. No one has entered something this different in a while. I really LOVE it. And most fan boys of Eurovision seem to HATE it.

Ghostsmut advice: Each way bet certainty for me.

Romania 50-1

Get ready for a shock. His balls get amputated half way through. Comedy fucking gold. I tell you.

Ghostsmut advice: Just laugh. Don’t bet on it FFS.

United Kingdom 50-1

Song is shit. She looks like a chewed scrotum that’s now infected.

Ghostsmut advice: UK is hated. We’re trying to pull out of Europe and being generally dicks everywhere. Expect close to nul points as possible. Bottom 3 with Spain and Armenia.

Sweden 80-1

This is the home nation. They will get points from everyone being kind. I like the chorus but it feels like it doesn’t go awesome enough. Maybe they’ve changed it in practise. let’s hope it.

Ghostsmut advice: Home nations usually always do well. Each way bet if you think he performs it well on the night.

Hungary 100-1

Sounds like dEUS. Rather like it.

Ghostsmut advice: After the home nation song before it this song will bomb.

Denmark 8/13 (!!!)

This will win. As soon as you hear it you’re like Oh, a song that is good after a song that is weird.

Ghostsmut advice: Win by fucking miles. Listen to the crowd cheer after it ends.

Iceland 100-1

It’s a Cliff Richard xmas song. Putrid. After Denmark no one will care.

Ghostsmut advice: Toilet break.

Azerbaijan 12-1

Something different. Balkan music craziness. Love it.

Ghostsmut advice: Only song like this in the competition. Top 5 easy.

Ukraine 10-1

Why is this 10-1? It’s a dildo thrown at a fucking spaceship. Does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Must get points from Russia and their buddies. Maybe she’s hot. Not checked.

Ghostsmut advice: I hate it so it will win or something.

Italy 25-1

As hopeless as the Pope.

Ghostsmut advice: The least exciting ballad of the competition so again wouldn’t surprise me if it fucking wins.

Norway 5-1

HOLY FUCK. This is amazing.

Ghostsmut advice: Modern music in Eurovision? Deserves to win. For me, it’s this or Denmark.

Georgia 33-1

It’s the only duet this year so never ignore them. Bollocks though.

Ghostsmut advice: Go have a poop.

Ireland 25-1

Last song always does well. Sounds nice. Super gay drumming boys in it too. Fan boys seem to dislike it so let’s assume it will do well.

Ghostsmut advice: Each way bet again for me.

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