Eurovision time again cunts!
I don’t think there is an order to the semi-finals yet so shut your face and take it like a man. Will I offend your Cuntry this year? That all depends on what you’ve entered fuckheads.
Shall we begin then?
1. AUSTRIA – Natalia Kelly – Shine
So we start off with an unreleased Girls Aloud track. Except the writers were sent to us via a time machine from a time before music was any good. I find her voice on the side of annoying in that awful poppy Country Western crossover way we had about a decade ago. The way it falls into the final chorus is haplessly arranged and doesn’t deliver the cod-soft rock emotion that it’s clearly aiming for. Regardless, the whole song feels like it’s missing something and the chorus is just too ploddy and feels built entirely on a Lars Ulrich drumbeat.
2. ESTONIA – Birgit – Et uus saaks alguse
Yay! A piano ballad. Everyone’s favourite. Joke – you know the drill – absolute bare-minimum effort from Estonia here. More frustrating is the way the piano is played – every note is exactly the same volume level so there’s no subtle texture. The chorus is lovely but it’s difficult to judge as the verse is absolute nothing. Typical pop music really: awful verse, good chorus. Mind you, saying that, when it did the chorus the second time I was asleep so I missed it.
3. SLOVENIA – Hannah – Straight Into Love
The influence of Skrillex is over this like a fucking virus. Worse, it feels as falsely provided as a free handjob from your bank manager after you take out a loan with high APR. The reason it feels so fake is that the song’s verse is a standard makes-me-piss-blood ballad. Ergo, the writer went okay, we’ve done our silly noises now we have to put a proper song in. Which of course goes against everything the dubstep/brostep genre is actually about. If this was 3 minutes of unlistenable garbage – like Skrillex – it would be a game changer for Eurovision. No vocals or any of that poofy stuff. Just 3 minutes of what they alluded to in this song’s introduction. Hannah’s song is the audio equivalent of a 40 year old wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt. The sound of cancer growth in my bowels is better than this.
On second listen. The chorus is fantastic. I revoke the above opinion and leave it there as it’s quite funny.
4. CROATIA – Klapa s Mora – Mižerja
Well, I hate it. It’s poisonously vapid and the kind of music you imagine those weird freaks who go to see things at the theatre listen to.
5. DENMARK – Emmelie de Forest – Only Teardrops
Ooh, it has a recognisable panpipe refrain. Something about that takes me back to a film soundtrack maybe? I can feel it tugging away at my brain. This song totally makes me think of something else – not Titanic. Oh, this is excellent. Really great chorus, love the big drums in the middle section. A wash of synth is buried underneath but never goes full on cheesy dance. Yep, impressed with this one.
6. RUSSIA – Dina Garipova – What If
A nice slice of Evanescence at the start. Remember them? If you looked up STANDARD EUROVISION SONG the definition would be this song. Coincidently if you looked up JIZZPUKE this song would also be there. I absolutely fucking hate it. From the “give up our guns” line to the key change end section it’s just so formulaic. It’s as fake as Putin’s denial that he’s a mass murdering turd hound.
However, it’s the kind of regurgitated anal pus you cunts lap up. So it will win.
7. UKRAINE – Zlata Ognevich – Gravity
I’m loving the way loads of these songs start with a “LOOK AT ME” 20-second intro then collapse back into a dull piano ballad and then begin to build themselves up again. This track made no impact on me whatsoever. It made me feel nothing. Not bad, not good, just nothing.
It’s a dildo thrown at a fucking spaceship.
Will not qualify
8. NETHERLANDS – Anouk – Birds
Urgh. No, sorry – that was my first impression of the song. But then something in me changed. There is something hypnotic about this. I’m quite surprised by this one. It’s subtle. And Eurovision is NEVER subtle. You keep expecting it to explode but it never does. That’s what makes me like it so much – it builds in a better and cleverer way. It has absolutely no chance of course but I respect it and liked it.
Will not qualify
9. MONTENEGRO – Who See – Igranka
Ah, congratulations worst song ever. Juno Reactor-esque, which is already 10 years out of date. However, they have nailed the Skrillex-chorus. This is how you do it. Take note Slovenia. So yeah, the chorus is great but the verses are like being strangled by an aborted baby’s umbilical cord.
10. LITHUANIA – Andrius Pojavis – Something
This man has something to tell us. In fact the entire verse is him building up to tell us something. Oh, it’s about love. And it’s about as interesting as a recent A-ha song.
Oh right, this song is amazing! It’s all about being in someone’s head and heart, etc. It’s about parasitic worms! It’s about the war he is in with the victim as they battle the medication to destroy the worms. Powerful stuff. Weird thing to sing about but hey, they prob don’t have anything to do in Lithuania but chat about worms and how to make sandals.
11. BELARUS – Alyona Lanskaya – Solayoh
This is a hungover entry from last year. It has that “did I hear this in 2012?” feel about it. Also, it’s about a Solero lolly. It’s nicely done but just sounds far too serious to be any fun. A live performance can of course change this, but on record this is as stern faced as a North Korean military training exercise.
12. MOLDOVA – Aliona Moon – O mie
Ballads in foreign are always much better. I can’t bash my head off an iron spike over how ham-fisted the lyrics are. Really lovely chorus and the way the second verse follows on is excellent. Love the constant building of layering throughout. And yeah, I’m sure this all about love or something pitiful but I like to think it’s about microwaving hamsters.
13. IRELAND – Ryan Dolan – Only Love Survives
Oh, this is like Hurts. Very well arranged. Was amused to see it build up a chorus then collapse but then explode on a random bit further on. I know you’ll all hate me for saying it as you all hate it when Ireland win. But this will win. It’s everything all the others have been in one song. Mind you, it feels like it falls down near the end. It just runs out of steam and should probably have been 2.30 instead of 3.00. Never mind.
Qualify and WIN
14. CYPRUS – Despina Olympiou – An me thimasai
Look, I liked Moldova. Is that not enough? This is stupendously hideous. Like someone put a human voice output onto a set of bagppes and played them with their bum. Just dull. On a side note, I looked her up on Google and jerked myself off to her picture just to pass the time. Glad the song was only 3 minutes long.
Will not qualify
15. BELGIUM – Roberto Bellarosa – Love Kills
Argh, accidental gayness. I’m covered in jizz from the last one and then a man’s voice comes on.
Anyway, this is a nice little song. It’s driving and although it has a poor man’s dubstep breakdown in the middle it moves past that and straight back into the most retro pop & rock chorus I’ve heard in a while. I very much liked it. Just don’t shine a UV light over my keyboard.
16. SERBIA – Moje 3 – Ljubav je svuda
Awesome cheese synth with delay. Drums are non-existent and the balance of the whole song is wrong. It’s clap your hands, point and laugh type of awful. As unwanted as someone turning a hand-dryer vent around so that it dries your face but then pooping in it thereby leaving a horrific faecal trap for the next unfortunate user. (I HAVE DONE THIS).
1. LATVIA – PeR – Here We Go
What the actual fuck? Is this a Chumbawumba football song? Oh my, that is a bad snare sound. And awful rap. Faux DJ scratches too? Dubstep middle bit? Horn section. Jesus fuck-me-in-the ass Christ. This is ticking every worst idea of the 90s in one fell swoop. Fucking congratulations you mad fucking Latvians. Top marks. Awful and astounding at the same time. Best worst thing ever.
Not a fucking chance of qualifying.
2. SAN MARINO – Valentina Monetta – Crisalide (Vola)
It’s safe to say no one cares about San Marino. They won’t qualify as this is just elevator music with some forgettable vocals on top. Unforgivable because the chorus is as dull as the verse. It also has a terrible tempo change which isn’t done very well. Then speeds up and puts an Abba-type disco beat on. Genuinely the worst song I’ve heard yet. Emotionally, it makes me visualise someone painting their newborn kid’s bedroom beige.
Will not qualify
3. MACEDONIA – Esma & Lozano – Pred da se razdeni
Halfway decent ballad here. When all you’ve got is a chorus, just keep doing the chorus. Oh no. Then it goes a bit crazy and it appears some unfortunate person got their genitals trapped in a door because there is a lot of “urrrgaghagahaaaaaaaa” nonsense before the 2nd verse happens. Awful for every second it exists.
Will not qualify
4. AZERBAIJAN – Farid Mammadov – Hold Me
Ah, finally. This is the kind of poop I wanted to hear. Not anything special but the production feels like it adds to the song rather than making it a dated knob-twiddling, look-at-how-many-plugins-I-can-use cripplefight. Nothing remarkable but based on how bad the last three have been this is much better. Pish ending tho.
5. FINLAND – Krista Siegfrids – Marry Me
Ah, Finland. Another embarrassing entry. Oh hang on. It’s worse than that. Eyebrow raise alert when she sings “I’m your slave and you’re my master”. Since it’s called Marry Me and you don’t have gay marriage in Finland I assume you are saying this to a man. Combined with your dyed blonde hair Samantha Janus, I don’t think you are setting a very good example for girls.
Luckily, the song is an audible warfare ender. You play this and everyone in a 100-mile radius prolapses immediately and dies of anal asphyxiation. We should bomb the fuck out of Finland for this act of atrocity. In fact, I better fucking report it.
6. MALTA – Gianluca – Tomorrow
Scouting For Girls pointlessness. Accent pop gubbins. Doesn’t make much of an impact on me but at least it sounds different from everything else. Chorus just isn’t strong enough – just kinda jaunty all the way through. Don’t think that’ll be enough.
7. BULGARIA – Elitsa & Stoyan – Samo shampioni
You know, I need to do some shopping today. I do need some shampoo and when I saw that title it reminded me. My mind wandered, I opened up a new tab and started my online shop. The song ended and I realised I had not heard any of it. I went back and listened to it again and my mind wandered off again. It is just a ghost of a song. It has to be the most boring song yet which, considering it is up-tempo and quite lively, is an astonishing achievement. Bland in a trans-dimensional way.
8. ICELAND – Eythor Ingi – Ég á líf
Folk seem to like Iceland in Eurovision. I don’t find anything remotely worthwhile in this. It sounds like a Cliff Richard Christmas song. At the end a whole load of backing singers come in and I can just imagine it on the stage. I don’t like this track but I think it will do well.
9. GREECE – Koza Mostra feat. Agathonas Iakovidis – Alcohol Is Free
Yay. Balkan music. Love this shit. It’s up-tempo and fun in an honest way. The chorus appears to say “Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is sweet” and this is an absolute truth. Oh, just looked at the title. It says “free”. Either way, it’s great. It sounds like it was an entry for last year but it’s still fun. I’m assuming they all look bonkers too.
10. ISRAEL – Moran Mazor – Rak bishvilo
Urgh. She sounds like she’s hawking up phlegm. Oh man, whoever produced this should have done something about it. The whole track makes me nauseous & I can feel my balls retreating into my body in disgust. Once some more instrumentation comes in this hawking phlegm sound is masked but, like hearing Lady Gaga’s penis plop out of Mr T’s eyesocket, you can’t unhear it. Great potential for a disastrous high note calamity here too. Just plain awful.
11. ARMENIA – Dorians – Lonely Planet
This sounds like Lemar doing some kind of soft rock. Its heart is in the right place but I’m not finding the chorus is enough to raise the hairs on the back of my neck like it should. I like the copy and pasted 80s guitar solo too. This won’t do well as everyone hates Armenians cos they steal everyone’s jobs. They need to put some backing vocals on it though, as currently it sounds like one man battling a very loud guitar.
12. HUNGARY – ByeAlex – Kedvesem
What the hell is this? Similar to Holland’s entry – it’s interesting and subtle. I’m quite fond of it and can’t think of anything harsh to say. It has a kind of dEUS feel and absolutely will bomb as it’s not bum nuggets masquerading as sequins.
13. NORWAY – Margaret Berger – I Feed You My Love
This fucking better be about sucking cock. Stunning synth over the opening. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. This is amazing. Yes, this is another nul pointer from Norway and I adore it. This is music that actually sounds from this decade as opposed to every other entry. If Rihanna sang this it would be number 1. Great drops, great arrangement. Fucking flawless. Would listen to this outside of Eurovision. Fantastic.
Qualify and win.
14. ALBANIA – Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko – Identitet
How to make the worst music ever tutorial:
Step 1. Be Albanian.
Step 2. There is no Step 2.
15. GEORGIA – Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani – Waterfall
Never ignore duets. However lame they are. Never ignore them. They always do well. This is like listening to someone with haemorrhoids raping themselves with a toilet brush. Similarly, it explodes at the end. I imagine I was supposed to feel something but I just visualised a man exploding and a toilet brush covered with torn anal tract.
16. SWITZERLAND – Takasa – You And Me
I’m still not sure Switzerland actually really exists. I think it’s a made-up place. This could be the national anthem for a country that didn’t exist. And it just won’t quit with it’s fucking atrocious chorus. It must be a solid minute of the same fucking thing. ARGHhhh. Fuck you Switzerland.
17. ROMANIA – Cezar – It’s My Life
Cheesy trance mixed with Peter and the Wolf. I-
What is this? His voice goes all high and silly. Hahah. This is great. Oh but another dubstep drop. Come on. Either make the whole song like that or don’t do it at all. Don’t use it for a “look at us being down with the kids” section. Shocking ending. Wastes its time at the beginning and comes across as a novelty castration act.
FRANCE – Amandine Bourgeois – L’enfer et moi
Very Black Keys this one. Great stomp and overdriven guitars. This is the type of music that’s doing well in hipster circles and is the opposite of everything Eurovision exists for. Really, really like it.
Will come 2nd last
GERMANY – Cascada – Glorious
Wait. Cascada? Really? This is what Germany have entered? A song from another decade? It sounds as old as Allo Allo and is filled with just as many thoughtless words. This isn’t good at all. I was expecting a 2012 Swedish level of trancey dance cracking chorus but this doesn’t grab me at all. Fucking dire ending too.
MILF I AM DISAPPOINT.
ITALY – Marco Mengoni – L’essenziale
This is another one of those forgettable bits of fluff. It’s as effective as brushing your teeth with a toothbrush with no bristles. Amongst the final songs this might stand out but I doubt it as there are better ballads in this contest.
As hopeless as the Pope
SPAIN – ESDM – Contigo hasta el final
30 seconds are taken up with warbling. Then an early Taylor Swift song emerges which very weakly builds to a sheepish peak 2 minutes in. Not much to talk about here. What was I going to say…? Oh right, yeah, so imagine you’re fucking Taylor Swift, right, and I know she’s been holed more times than a golf course, so you’d have to wrap your dick in a face flannel just to give you a bit more girth so you could get any traction on the poor girl. Anyway, imagine you did that and you’re pummelling away, I wonder if her face shows any sign of cognitive thought? I imagine when she’s being filled out like an application her face still looks like she’s just bitten into a Cadbury’s Flake like in an advert from 1980. Pure floaty incomprehension like she looks most of the time. Anyway, the important bit is this: when you’re done does Taylor Swift make a goat noise when she cums? Based on all those Taylor Swift goat memes on the internet I think she does.
Oh yes, Spain. Shite.
SWEDEN – Robin Stjernberg – You
Come on – taking a full minute of dirge to get to the chorus and then only letting it play for 10 seconds! That’s pretty fucking cheeky pal. This is a pretty decent chorus and I don’t think it’s being used enough. It does the chorus ONCE at the end. Shocking. So much of the 3 minutes is WASTED here with boring guff. Writing a good chorus and then not going nuts with it is an abhorrent waste – especially in a song competition like this where there are next to no good songs.
UNITED KINGDOM – Bonnie Tyler – Believe In Me
“No one likes us and we don’t care.” Fair enough UK, but I don’t like you either and I live here. This song has already been done better by other countries this year. Gah, there’s nothing to do but listen to it. I thought about another wank but I googled her and she looks like a chewed scrotum.
Well that’s it. The first semi-final seems to be filled with female vocal safe stuff which is very hit and miss. The second semi-final is filled with diverse and mostly terrible examples of how not to write a song. What’s noticeable is that a lot of the songs sound like they are longer than 3 minutes and end far too abruptly. Maybe it’s always been like that but it’s really noticeable this year.
Countries I will put money on: