Okay cunts. Been quiet on here for a while but it’s the end of the year and I’ve heard some fucking terrible shit. Couldn’t be arsed to review the albums as I was too busy fucking.
SHIT THAT SHOULD BE DESTROYED:
Skrillex – First of the Year
As with all Skrillex this sounds like a 2 year old made it. Not only that but it also sounds 2 years old. No new ideas, obvious and heard-before techniques. Look you prick you’ve managed to kill dubstep – which is probably a good thing – but you need to evolve now. You have a stereotyped sound which comes across as uninspired – much in the same way as when you hear a new Nickelback tune you go “oh god”. Oh and your video is basically 20 years out of date. Didn’t Aphex Twin do this with Come To Daddy? Shut the fuck up and get your hair sorted pissface.
Jay Z and Kanye West – Otis
Look, if you guys had really been Watching the (porcelain) Throne this turd of a song wouldn’t have crawled out.
Jessie J – Who You Are
(as per my review earlier this year:) A fake. A charlatan dressed as an Emo princess. The cover suggests a strong female, potentially transgender, dark and mysterious. Instead I appear to be listening to an unreleased Girls Aloud album. No, that’s not fair on Girls Aloud. They at least knew pop tunes and had killer hooks. This has NO FUCKING HOOKS. It’s fucking godawful sphincter clenching trash. Cheesy like a teenager’s unwashed bellend and as musically clumsy as a virgin trying to stick it in.
*edit* Also, you can’t sing.
Battles – Ice Cream
(from my review earlier this year:) Allegedly a single; however, no one still knows who the fuck they are. Basically starts like the music to Willy Wonka at his most paedophilic. Nice riff when it gets going though. Anything past the verse is unbearably messy though. Like a turd bakesale. Just an incoherent mess like Scrappy Doo playing the guitar after getting trashed with Shaggy.
*edit* Interesting to note based on how much attention and “OMG this is amazing” reviews it got when it came out that it does not appear on anyone’s best of 2011 list. I was correct. Fuck you, Battles.
Fucked Up – Queen Of Hearts
Keep hearing loads of chatter about these guys and it appears that all of it is nonsense. It’s like someone telling you The Fall are good – you know to ignore everything they ever say. Basically, Fucked Up are a grim bunch of broken coke vials that someone menstruated on. A speculum of Worzel Gummidge politics and loud dumb noises. Five-year olds being hit with articulated lorries make better sounds.
Lady Gaga – Yoü And I
What can I say? I’ve already reviewed the album and didn’t think this one was so bad. However, I did state I hate this kind of music, but, as a troll myself, enjoyed this regurgitated Shania Twain vomit being spewed onto the Madonna cover album that Born This Way is. Just to fuck with people. You forget however that people who buy Lady Gaga albums buy music based on music videos or celebrity magazines. The rest of their album collection will be X Factor winners or Now That’s What I Call Music. So they all lapped it up.
Just to confirm, I actually don’t have an issue with Now albums and X Factor winners. That stuff is pure shit (usually) but you have your music and I’ll have mine. I’m just saying this song is an infected gash.
Black Eyed Peas – The Time (Dirty Bit)
Okay, except this and the next one where it would appear I do have a problem with that Now album shit. Do I even need to talk about this one? Apart from sampling the worst song from the most overrated film this side of Twilight it’s a mixture of heard-it-before production sounds and another swagger/Jagger rhyme. The fact it was number one says all you need to know about how many people buy singles anymore. Cancerous.
Pitbull (featuring Chris Brown) – International Love
One of the main things we learned in 2011 is that if your name is Pitbull you will appear on everyone’s songs at the drop of a hat. Pitbull reminds me of Brick from Anchorman. You know, the retarded one? His chat on songs fades away and all I hear is “I love lamp” or “I ate a big red candle”. A furious, pouting fountain of inane words tumble out across each song while you look around at other people’s faces to see if they’re also going “are you hearing this?”.
Also, this song has Chris Brown on – the female-hating cunt – who I hope dies soon.
The Rapture – How Deep Is Your Love?
Okay, so I liked The Rapture’s last album. Was silly and fun so Pitchfork and other neon-glasses wearing abortions hated it. They loved this though as it was a twee snoozefest. Like Fleet Foxes or BonfuckingIver. I checked it out and just came out of the coma last week. Fuck me, six minutes of this? Who do you think you are? Porcupine Tree?
Bon Iver – Holocene
Bon Iver are basically a hipster version of the goth two-step movement. Dressed up in their scratch and sniff clothing I can see their fans holding the back of their hands against their foreheads and pretending to mock-faint. Seriously, this insipid virus corrodes your ear canals and their vocals are like a nappy rash.
The pause between plugging in a usb device and your computer recognising it has more dynamics.
James Blake – The Wilhelms Scream
(from my review earlier this year:) It’s like Radiohead on Kid A without any melody or rhythm. Like the bit you get after a song is finishing after its crescendo and this is the section that fades out, and if you listened carefully enough you may catch your favourite artist cough or laugh or something before it disappears. Bit of beat came in. May have been hearing my own pulse though.
In a nutshell, it’s the sound of someone prolapsing at 20bpm.
And lastly, if I missed anyone, if you do somehow have the same opinion as me and agree with all of that then I still think you’re an idiot.
Click HERE for the Spotify playlist containing this awful shit.