Okay, Best-artist-of-2011-as-chosen-by-the-BBC, let’s see what your album is made of. I have to say when I first heard the debut single Do It Like A Dude and been confronted with her bad-tranny outfit I was expecting a similar stylisation to GaGa. You know that “is she a man?” thing that GaGa perpetuated. Just a quick glance at a picture of Jessie J and then the song being called Do It Like A Dude just suggested a transgender artist which would have been quite exciting.
Before listening to the album and writing the review I just want you to be aware that regardless of my opinion here I’m going to see Jessie J in Glasgow as I got tickets. So it better not be bawls. (Hmm, I may have just cursed it.)
The first lyric of the album is “Okay, coconut man”.
The second lyric of the album is “moon heads”
How odd. Musically a happy-go-lucky RnB tune. If you hate that phrase then you will despise this. Nicely EQ’d guitar with overly simple drum beat. Very summer-y feeling. After the shit winter we’ve had that can only be a good thing, eh? Really good mix, backing vocals fill out the overall sound. Now I’m concentrating on it, the drum beat is pretty bland with no fills or anything. Just a dead loop. Some bad audio editing on them too when the sounds cut out before the chorus. Jessie’s voice is strong and confident – liking it a lot. Honest lyrics, no clangers that make you wince in embarrassment. Really good verse from BoB.
Yeah, a great opener to an album. But best new artist of 2011? This is basically Ms Dynamite from early 2000.
Oh, nice guitar sample – shame it’s buried in the mix. Wow, the production on this track is weak. Her voice is booming – crushing all other sounds. Poor show. No dynamics on this track, the drums are either playing a pattern, or they aren’t. I can hear a whole arrangement turned down in the mix. Sounds like a live recording where the drummer and Jessie were in one room with a microphone and the rest of the band were playing next door.
Also, way over the top vocally for a second song. Never a good idea for your second song to be called Nobody’s Perfect. Sets you up for a kicking. Weak.
Again, bad drum sample. One bar loop for fuck’s sake. Awful. Fuck me, the chorus comes in and the fucking drum beat is the SAME. Not only that, the song feels like it’s missing a whole middle range of accompaniment. Why is it like this? Really lazy. Rules of Jessie J’s songs so far? On the chorus keep the same beat but just throw in a hi-hat. YAWN. On the verses just bass drum and snare. Song fades out? Real shame that – song sounds really rushed like they had to get it out quick. Congrats you’re first to being last.
Big White Room (Live)
A live track? This should show what she’ll be like live… Oh. BORING. Oh dear. Just an acoustic guitar and her voice? What makes it worse is Jessie J is doing that warbly shriek awfulness. You know, running through vocal scales like Mariah Carey did when she wasn’t an overgrown Oompa Loompa. This is really like someone auditioning for X Factor. You could just imagine Cheryl Cole with her dumb fucking moon face grinning like a spastic eating rice pudding as Jessie sang – Hang on. Hold that thought. Haha. Hahahah. Hahahahhahhah. I’m, er, not sure I should laugh but she can’t say “Crazy”. It’s like Jonathan Ross saying it. She has an unfortunate issue where she can’t pronounce her “r”s. So we get “Cwazy” And the chorus is “I’m going cwazy” four times in a row. Is that funny? Laughing at a speech impediment? This song is absolute mongo drool so the answer today is clearly yes.
Five and a half minutes long too? Fuck off. I’ve paid money for this. I demand a fucking refund for this song being on the album. Worst song I’ve heard all year. Worse than anything on the James Blake album. And then a whole load of Sun newspaper readers clap and cheer at the end just like X Factor.
Casualty of Love
Okay, that last one was probably a blip. It has to get better.
…Nope. Jessie J hates me. This is musically invisible. A talent contest at your local school will have performances more convincing. The lyrics are cringe-inducing. Loads of warbling too. No arrangements just thin piano with no emotional engagement. I’m sure in different hands this track could have had a real sparkle to it. Even with the same vocal and awful lyrics. The producer, engineer and mixer for this album should be set on fire. It’s not Jessie J’s fault. She can only turn up and sing her songs. It’s about the team she works with that need to up their game. Saying this, it may be that she produced it. In which case she should go in the fire. Oh now I feel bad cos everytime I hear her say something like “lost in the cwowd” I notice it. Now I’ve made you notice it too.
Thank fuck. A beat! Wow, starts a little like the chorus of Halo by Beyonce. And that’s clearly an influence. Oh again, they’ve edited her voice to repeat her saying “Rainbow” so we get “Wainbow”. Whoever produced this was some cruel motherfucker. Making all her songs have Rs in. Cunts.
This track is better though. All the instruments (as per the rest of the album) are turned down. So no feeling or emotion here. I’m sure if you get off on a drum beat and a Mariah Carey warble this is for you. But I like a bit of tune to go with my warble. You went to all the trouble of recording those instruments why not let us hear them, eh? Golly, awful sudden ending. Really naff.
Who’s Laughing Now
Your record label? Okay, Missy Elliot influence right at the start. Pretty neat. Then a synth which is ripping off Yeah by Usher. Again though, it’s turned down so you may not even hear it. Shame this album could do with some BIG SOUNDS to liven it up. The whole thing seems very throwaway. Lyrically, only Price Tag made me give a fuck.
Having said that, this is good. Clearly the only single she can release from this cancerous tuneless turd of an album.
Do It Like A Dude
Again with the quiet guitars that should be much stronger. Totally different style to everything on the album. This is the sound I wanted from the album. Instead I got a castrated Christina Aguilera. This track might not set the world alight but I do rather like her overall sound on this.
Unfortunately, her album is a lie. Her love is terrible RnB from the 90s that anyone who wants to listen to should be sent back in time and to Unit 731 (google it).
Mama Knows Best
I am pro-choice. The title and content of this song has made me question this. Maybe Mama didn’t know best.
This is getting unbearable. Spoken word shitness. Opening lyrics = worst lyrics I’ve heard since Nine Inch Nails’ last album:
“I said I’d never write a song about love
But when it feels this good a song fits like a glove
The way you hold me, and you tell me,
That you miss me and call me Milky
Fuck it, I’m gonna write a song about love.”
Milky? Also, based on that experience I may have been in love with many more people than I’d realised. Holding? Saying you miss them (don’t have to fucking mean it) and call them a racial slur? Jessie – we should date.
FUCKING AWFUL. Thought I hadn’t skipped the last one: “Stand up for the love”. Sounds like the last one.
I Need This
You know what I need? I need one of those leather gloves they wore in the 1800s. And go directly up to the producers of this shit pile of wound rot and slap them squarely across the face with it. Like how you challenged them to a duel back in the old days? Oh no, it’s got worse. I should plug every single opening of their bodies up with speakers and play Britney Spears’ Womanizer at 300 decibels or until their internal organs liquefied and spurted out through their pores.
Who You Are
A fake. A charlatan dressed as an Emo princess. The cover suggests a strong female, potentially transgender, dark and mysterious. Instead I appear to be listening to an unreleased Girls Aloud album. No, that’s not fair on Girls Aloud. They at least knew pop tunes and had killer hooks. This has NO FUCKING HOOKS. It’s fucking godawful sphincter clenching trash. Cheesy like a teenager’s unwashed bellend and as musically clumsy as a virgin trying to stick it in.
Maybe I’m wrong but to my ears this sounds like it was produced and engineered in Britain by the kind of talentless cocks who produce X-Factor singles and other terrible hate crimes upon music. The ones who help produce the artist Britain enters in Eurovision. You know, the ones who think they know what proper dance music is but don’t own any compressors and fail on every level? Because that’s what is wrong with this album. Fair enough, it wasn’t what I was after but a decent RnB album would have been okay. Just not a tawdry RnB album like Brandy or Destiny’s Child in a coma. It’s not fresh, it’s not reflective of today’s music, it’s like a decade of music hasn’t happened. Jessie J has not been pushed hard enough. It is weak and lazy. And sure you can play the cynic and say all pop music is manufactured, etc, but Lady GaGa and Ke$ha at least have a great sound. May be terrible as well, but they have a great SOUND. All I heard here was some squawking and two different drum beats.