Jessie J – Who You Are

28 Feb

Okay, Best-artist-of-2011-as-chosen-by-the-BBC, let’s see what your album is made of. I have to say when I first heard the debut single Do It Like A Dude and been confronted with her bad-tranny outfit I was expecting a similar stylisation to GaGa. You know that “is she a man?” thing that GaGa perpetuated. Just a quick glance at a picture of Jessie J and then the song being called Do It Like A Dude just suggested a transgender artist which would have been quite exciting.

Before listening to the album and writing the review I just want you to be aware that regardless of my opinion here I’m going to see Jessie J in Glasgow as I got tickets. So it better not be bawls. (Hmm, I may have just cursed it.)

Price Tag

The first lyric of the album is “Okay, coconut man”.

The second lyric of the album is “moon heads”

How odd. Musically a happy-go-lucky RnB tune. If you hate that phrase then you will despise this. Nicely EQ’d guitar with overly simple drum beat. Very summer-y feeling. After the shit winter we’ve had that can only be a good thing, eh? Really good mix, backing vocals fill out the overall sound. Now I’m concentrating on it, the drum beat is pretty bland with no fills or anything. Just a dead loop. Some bad audio editing on them too when the sounds cut out before the chorus. Jessie’s voice is strong and confident – liking it a lot. Honest lyrics, no clangers that make you wince in embarrassment. Really good verse from BoB.

Yeah, a great opener to an album. But best new artist of 2011? This is basically Ms Dynamite from early 2000.

Nobody’s Perfect

Oh, nice guitar sample – shame it’s buried in the mix. Wow, the production on this track is weak. Her voice is booming – crushing all other sounds. Poor show. No dynamics on this track, the drums are either playing a pattern, or they aren’t. I can hear a whole arrangement turned down in the mix. Sounds like a live recording where the drummer and Jessie were in one room with a microphone and the rest of the band were playing next door.

Also, way over the top vocally for a second song. Never a good idea for your second song to be called Nobody’s Perfect. Sets you up for a kicking. Weak.


Again, bad drum sample. One bar loop for fuck’s sake. Awful. Fuck me, the chorus comes in and the fucking drum beat is the SAME. Not only that, the song feels like it’s missing a whole middle range of accompaniment. Why is it like this? Really lazy. Rules of Jessie J’s songs so far? On the chorus keep the same beat but just throw in a hi-hat. YAWN. On the verses just bass drum and snare. Song fades out? Real shame that – song sounds really rushed like they had to get it out quick. Congrats you’re first to being last.

Big White Room (Live)

A live track? This should show what she’ll be like live… Oh. BORING. Oh dear. Just an acoustic guitar and her voice? What makes it worse is Jessie J is doing that warbly shriek awfulness. You know, running through vocal scales like Mariah Carey did when she wasn’t an overgrown Oompa Loompa. This is really like someone auditioning for X Factor. You could just imagine Cheryl Cole with her dumb fucking moon face grinning like a spastic eating rice pudding as Jessie sang – Hang on. Hold that thought. Haha. Hahahah. Hahahahhahhah. I’m, er, not sure I should laugh but she can’t say “Crazy”. It’s like Jonathan Ross saying it. She has an unfortunate issue where she can’t pronounce her “r”s. So we get “Cwazy” And the chorus is “I’m going cwazy” four times in a row. Is that funny? Laughing at a speech impediment?  This song is absolute mongo drool so the answer today is clearly yes.

Five and a half minutes long too? Fuck off. I’ve paid money for this. I demand a fucking refund for this song being on the album. Worst song I’ve heard all year. Worse than anything on the James Blake album. And then a whole load of Sun newspaper readers clap and cheer at the end just like X Factor.

Casualty of Love

Okay, that last one was probably a blip. It has to get better.

…Nope. Jessie J hates me. This is musically invisible. A talent contest at your local school will have performances more convincing. The lyrics are cringe-inducing. Loads of warbling too. No arrangements just thin piano with no emotional engagement. I’m sure in different hands this track could have had a real sparkle to it. Even with the same vocal and awful lyrics. The producer, engineer and mixer for this album should be set on fire. It’s not Jessie J’s fault. She can only turn up and sing her songs. It’s about the team she works with that need to up their game. Saying this, it may be that she produced it. In which case she should go in the fire. Oh now I feel bad cos everytime I hear her say something like “lost in the cwowd” I notice it. Now I’ve made you notice it too.


Thank fuck. A beat! Wow, starts a little like the chorus of Halo by Beyonce. And that’s clearly an influence. Oh again, they’ve edited her voice to repeat her saying “Rainbow” so we get “Wainbow”. Whoever produced this was some cruel motherfucker. Making all her songs have Rs in. Cunts.

This track is better though. All the instruments (as per the rest of the album) are turned down. So no feeling or emotion here. I’m sure if you get off on a drum beat and a Mariah Carey warble this is for you. But I like a bit of tune to go with my warble. You went to all the trouble of recording those instruments why not let us hear them, eh? Golly, awful sudden ending. Really naff.

Who’s Laughing Now

Your record label? Okay, Missy Elliot influence right at the start. Pretty neat. Then a synth which is ripping off Yeah by Usher. Again though, it’s turned down so you may not even hear it. Shame this album could do with some BIG SOUNDS to liven it up. The whole thing seems very throwaway. Lyrically, only Price Tag made me give a fuck.

Having said that, this is good. Clearly the only single she can release from this cancerous tuneless turd of an album.

Do It Like A Dude

Again with the quiet guitars that should be much stronger. Totally different style to everything on the album. This is the sound I wanted from the album. Instead I got a castrated Christina Aguilera. This track might not set the world alight but I do rather like her overall sound on this.

Unfortunately, her album is a lie. Her love is terrible RnB from the 90s that anyone who wants to listen to should be sent back in time and to Unit 731 (google it).

Mama Knows Best

I am pro-choice. The title and content of this song has made me question this. Maybe Mama didn’t know best.


This is getting unbearable. Spoken word shitness. Opening lyrics = worst lyrics I’ve heard since Nine Inch Nails’ last album:

“I said I’d never write a song about love
But when it feels this good a song fits like a glove
The way you hold me, and you tell me,
That you miss me and call me Milky
Fuck it, I’m gonna write a song about love.”

Milky? Also, based on that experience I may have been in love with many more people than I’d realised. Holding? Saying you miss them (don’t have to fucking mean it) and call them a racial slur? Jessie – we should date.

Song skipped.

Stand Up

FUCKING AWFUL. Thought I hadn’t skipped the last one: “Stand up for the love”. Sounds like the last one.

Song skipped.

I Need This

You know what I need? I need one of those leather gloves they wore in the 1800s. And go directly up to the producers of this shit pile of wound rot and slap them squarely across the face with it. Like how you challenged them to a duel back in the old days? Oh no, it’s got worse. I should plug every single opening of their bodies up with speakers and play Britney Spears’ Womanizer at 300 decibels or until their internal organs liquefied and spurted out through their pores.

Who You Are

A fake. A charlatan dressed as an Emo princess. The cover suggests a strong female, potentially transgender, dark and mysterious. Instead I appear to be listening to an unreleased Girls Aloud album. No, that’s not fair on Girls Aloud. They at least knew pop tunes and had killer hooks. This has NO FUCKING HOOKS. It’s fucking godawful sphincter clenching trash. Cheesy like a teenager’s unwashed bellend and as musically clumsy as a virgin trying to stick it in.

Maybe I’m wrong but to my ears this sounds like it was produced and engineered in Britain by the kind of talentless cocks who produce X-Factor singles and other terrible hate crimes upon music. The ones who help produce the artist Britain enters in Eurovision. You know, the ones who think they know what proper dance music is but don’t own any compressors and fail on every level? Because that’s what is wrong with this album. Fair enough, it wasn’t what I was after but a decent RnB album would have been okay. Just not a tawdry RnB album like Brandy or Destiny’s Child in a coma. It’s not fresh, it’s not reflective of today’s music, it’s like a decade of music hasn’t happened. Jessie J has not been pushed hard enough. It is weak and lazy. And sure you can play the cynic and say all pop music is manufactured, etc, but Lady GaGa and Ke$ha at least have a great sound. May be terrible as well, but they have a great SOUND. All I heard here was some squawking and two different drum beats.


26 Responses to “Jessie J – Who You Are”

  1. JJ March 11, 2011 at 7:33 am #

    You seem so obsessed with the damn details and you fail to recognize that Jessie J is not the average Brit chick singer. Today’s mediocre pop music will eventually be boring to the average listener 10 years after. So who cares if Lady Gaga’s mediocre album is less mediocre than “Who you are”. Aguilera’ s first album had songs that showed less than 10% of her vocal abilities, but that didn’t stopped her to become one of the greatest singers ever… Jessie J has the same potential.

    • ghostsmut March 11, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

      Obsessed with the details? What, like the music, lyrics or song? The girl does have potential. So did Obama. And he fucked it up. Just like Jessie has with this hatchet job of an album. I don’t care if she has potential. I want great songs NOW. She failed. And she may not be the average Brit Chick singer but her music certainly is. And it”s already 10 years out of date. So in 10 years her album will sound 20 years old.

      • Don't you just love haters? May 19, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

        Why is everyone on here hating on Jessie J. The thing that gets me is that none of you are famous. You are all just losers who can’t take a persons success. I don’t hate her and I don’t love her. Stop hiding behind a computer screen making rude comments because you have nothing else to do. Don’t hate on her because your life sucks.

    • unknowntheartist March 23, 2011 at 7:36 am #

      I gotta say, yes it does sound way outdated but that’s what happens when a label invests all their money into the first mediocre “for this day and age” single (Do It like A Dude) and forgets they gotta fill the rest of the album.
      (Personally, I wish they had waited it out to get a better buzz going and obtain some better writing.)
      Both Abracabra and Who’s Laughing Now sound like 90s cuts I would have played and rewound over and over… back then, in the 90s.
      Why Universal let Jessie put her version of Chris Brown’s I Need This is beyond me.
      I really think Jessie J should have stuck to doing live shows, she definitely shine best onstage and not on this excuse for a debut.
      Vocally, she’s a killer, studio-wise, she’s a snore.

      • alex July 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

        Jessie J wrote that song FOR Chris Brown. He sang it first and then she did it. Technically her version IS the original. If you are a fan of Chris Brown, check the writing credits for this track.

  2. nicole April 19, 2011 at 7:39 am #


    Best review I have ever fucking read ever. I want you to review so much more…

    I have a few idea’s.

    Email me:


  3. la May 4, 2011 at 5:46 am #

    i agree she has a high voice range
    but there is something so irritating and aggravating about her voice its like shes shrieking when she sings

    she is nowhere as good of a singer as christina aguiler and will probably never be a pop star as big as lady gaga

  4. Rebel Flower June 26, 2011 at 6:52 am #

    Her voice is beast and they didn’t do her any justice with the material. But, she can sing better than Rihanna or the rest of the others. The material didn’t suit her voice, she sounds fantastic live.

  5. Ocean July 14, 2011 at 4:32 am #

    Wow, just read all this stuff you wrote.. tbh, you seem like someone who judges people too easily. so what if she can’t pronounce her r’s properly? She’s still a fabulous singer, and seems like a really nice girl. And her music is amazing! so don’t just go saying crap about all of her songs, because it gives the impression that maybe.. you’re jealous:)?

    • ghostsmut July 14, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

      Her music is certainly not amazing. It’s a slight nudge up from Aqua and most of her songs miss the mark due to awful production as explained above.

      My other – new – issue with Jessie J is that she says on this album:

      “It’s not about the money, money, money
      We don’t need your money, money, money
      We just wanna make the world dance”

      So why are tickets to her concert £48.96 excluding postage?

      Exactly – because she’s an evil corporate bum weasel.

  6. Jesus November 2, 2011 at 12:19 am #

    Can someone please tell me what the Missy Song is on Who’s Laughing Now?!
    Its really getting to me that I can’t remember it!

  7. monty November 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    At last, an honest review about the hideous, shrieking, horrifically dressed disaster- that is Jesse J. I recently watched a Jools Holland with Jesse J performing an acoustic version of price-tag.. which made my dog howl (true story).

    Just because someone can hit and keep the correct note’s, does not mean they have a pleasant voice for singing. Her voice is harsh and sounds very forced and screechy even in a song like ‘price tag’ which is not even vocally the slightest, (unless ur Jesse J) apparently?

    Utter garbage and borderline offensive to look at. The rude boy shit is just annoying and makes her look even more of a try-hard. Fuck off ya milky biaaaaatchhhhh….

    Enjoy that concert still though!

  8. nightphli December 14, 2011 at 12:26 am #

    Well reviewed. I have just been editing ‘Nobody’s Pertfect’ for a job, and got so frustrated with how terrible the track was, (in every possible way) I had to search for a (bad) review, just to make sure there’s some sanity out there!!

  9. Rainstorm January 14, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    Look, just stop fussing about the details, and enjoy the song! Most of the things you’ve commented about in this article haven’t actually get anything to do with Jessie J herself. Personally, I like Jessie J, I think she has a real chance to get out there and write some good songs. Also, @Ocean: She can pronounce her r’s properly. She’s English. That’s how we talk over here.

  10. Lauraaaaa January 29, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    PRICETAG: cant name a better song from a new artist in 2011 to be honest!

    NOBODYS PERFECT: i dont see a problem with the mix, her voice is the centre of attention, yes, but isnt that the point…..?

    ABRACADABRA: who gives a flying fuck about the drum beat??? If it was the kind of song you get on games like ‘rock band’ or ‘guitar hero’ then yeah, youd expect more from the drum line but this is a debut album for an amazing singer so most of the focus is going to be on her voice.

    BIG WHITE ROOM: this is the first song she ever wrote, and she was only 17 so i was never going to be the best song in the world! And had it been properly produced and not live, i dont think it would have been able to portray the kind of emotion that it is trying to. There is a very emotional story behind it and maybe if you knew it you would feel differently about this song.

    CASUALTY OF LOVE: i honestly dont see where your coming from on this one – its a good song!? Some of the lyrics are cringy but you keep going on about the mix?? What?

  11. Lauraaaaa January 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

    1) commenting on the mix or drums is bull, the focus is her voice as its her debut album so obviously theyre going to show it off. And why does the drum line need to be more interesting? The vocal lines are fantastic and this shouldnt be hidden by complicating what is accompanying it.

    2) i have never noticed any problems with her ‘r’s so listened to the tracks you mentioned it in and still couldnt hear it… She does breath through them a bit but there is no speach impediment!? Haha…

    3) big white room was written when she was only 17 so it was never going to be the best song on the album. Also,it is a very emotional song if you know the story behind it so maybe you should learn ou facts before writing such harsh reviews.

    4) although i do agree that the ending for rainbow if bad… The song does have a tune and you can hear that through the runs she does, and she dooes runs because she can and shes amazing a them! I sure cant sing like Jessie J…

    5) you didnt have to make your constructive criticism so negative, like saying they should include more sounds or whatever is fair enough but it doesnt make the whole album shit.

    6) you cant say do it like a dude is a bad song, considering it is what broke her into the public eye so people must like it!

    7) the reason you barely commented on mamma knows best is because you couldnt think of anything bad to say. Its a TUNE.

    8) you know she didnt want L.O.V.E to be shown to anyone, she just needed to record it because that was what she was feeling at the time and she had to sing about it – thats what she does! But either way, when you get past the random lyrics of the first verse it is a catchy song, i know i sing it a lot (badly, yes, but i do…)

    9) stand up is a good song, and its sound is nothing like L.O.V.E so…

    10) she wrote I Need This, so it isnt Chris Brown’s song its hers. Get. Your. Facts. Right.

    11) who you are is probably the best song on the ablum i have NO idea where you get all your negativity from! Maybe you should see a therapist about that… You know Jessie sees herself as half artist, half therapist so maybe listening to her album more would help you.

    12) shes so successful and has such a massive fanbase that i dont see how you can say she is bad or her album is because they are both brilliant and thee are obviously thousands of people who agree.

    13) there some gooood songs on the platinum edition (e.g. My Shadow + Laserlight ft. David Guetta) which have more in the backing track than the other songs so maybe they will be more your thing 🙂

    14) its not at all boring either so shut ya faceeeee

    LOVE FOR JESSIE J ❤ #heartbeat

  12. s February 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

    I loved this but you should really drop the vulgarity. You know what you’re talking about, why ruin it? Just some advice.

  13. The Dave April 5, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    A top class review. Fair enough I did intentionally look for a review like this but then again I do that with all the mediocre pop trash in the charts today (2011/12).

    Is it anything special…? No. Original? No. Inspiring? Definitely not. But, pop music is not designed to be any of what I just mentioned. It is designed to make money. To rip your silly little minds of any money you have. A quick buck then onto the next mainstream trash. We must remember that pop music does not require talent, instrument skill or especially lately. Attitude. Everything is amazing to a pop star regardless of their true opinion. Pop stars are puppets on strings being manipulated for one purpose. Not to upset potential buyers and to appeal to people who dislike true, meaningful passion.

    People on here are saying “yeah it’s the voice that counts” or “it’s based round her powerful vocal”… Which frankly is bullshit. I will tell you right now that if you got a record deal, going into the studio, for mass effect on the public, that everything needs to be perfect. (Yet another problem with pop music, Perfection??? True perfection has to be imperfect.) So. Why is the production value on this atrocious record so poor? Like in business, the more money you spend making a product, the more that product will cost. And without reading this review it is extremely obvious. Which leaves the question… Why bother in the first place?

    She will never be a major star. According to her track record so far she will never write something truly beautiful that will appeal to everyone. Young and old, male and female. I feel the record industry is going down cause they cannot find a mass appeal in Britain like The Beatles, Stones, Oasis, Blur, Arctic Monkeys or even The Verve. Artists who sold millions and millions of records will live on because their CREATED material has depth, power and emotions, not forgetting that it is these same people who made the music and not a label. So if this arsehole of a wanna be did care about her music then the production would have been better. But she is worse than that.

    And Price Tag is just disgraceful. What a heartless bitch. A fucking boot of a woman. Having the fucking cheek to say it’s not about the money money money. When clearly all she is thinking about is the money money money. Fucking hypocrite, condescending, talentless moron, and a waste of a fucking life. If it wasn’t about the money she should have given every single penny she made of that fucking terrible song to charity. And by my recollection. She did not. YOUR IDOLS ARE CON ARTISTS.

    It is a sad time that especially juvenile children who spend their parents money. And stupid fucking whoooo girls are the only people buying this trash just cause of a trend, or a beat? Or cause he’s sooo hawt. WTF? People need to stop letting their hormones rip the shit out of them and start evaluating music with your mind. Or go buy a fucking Rolling Stones album.


    • ghostsmut April 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

      Thanks Dave. You are probably the first sensible person to visit my reviews! Agree with everything you’ve said.

      • The Dave April 6, 2012 at 7:47 am #

        Thanks chief. I’m passionate about great music. And this was a tremendous read!!!!

  14. 69isgreat April 18, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    Excellent review, and incredibly accurate.

  15. eliana July 29, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    Why don’t you suck your dick or hang yourself..too many comments and writing and act like you know how to singing..why don’t you fuck youself banshe!!!

    • ghostsmut July 30, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

      I am already sucking dick. One day it’s Jessie J’s, the other day it’s your mums. I would hang myself but my cock is so long it keeps supporting me like a gigantic third leg. Thems the breaks, bitch.

      I would also like to take this opportunity to ask what the fuck you were on when you wrote this. Firstly to even bother commenting on an album that everyone has forgotten about as Jessie J is old news and no one cares. And secondly, because you write like a spastic cabbage.

  16. Charlotte April 13, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

    How dare you say all this crap about her songs…especially who you are!!! It means soooo much to her and she wrote it her self,can’t you see how much feeling,emotion and sadness she put into it!!!??? People like you are just so bloody jealous 😦

    • The Dave April 13, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

      Charlotte, your are just a follower of bad music, probably cause you were born in the 90’s and grew up in the 00’s and that’s the music you interact with and your friends popularise because of social tensions. You think she’s good? What about true genuine artists who compromise the heights of fame to portray a story of emotion? Do you like Tracy Chapman, Ella Fitzgerald or Karen Carpenter? These are women you should be admiring, people with convictions of the heart, mind and passion we as humans are fortunate enough to have and obey. We are so lucky to have opinions and conscience so why should we put up with cheap crap such as this pathetic cow, same goes for Rihanna, Beyonce or Katy Perry. These people are media whores looking for money and attention to fuel their sad egos. Why don’t you go listen to The Who, Rolling Stones or Nirvana and see what incredible musicians they were who were not after money but doing it cause they felt their love for music, passion to describe how they feel and the non necessity for devotion of followers. These people could write love, political, dark, depth, intriguing music. And here’s the catch. These people made far more money than this useless cow will ever make but why am I not jealous of them? Because I can connect with what they say. What they portray is how we people feel and react to social issues. It’s just their fortunate outcome that they became crazily successful with their music and rightly so. She does not have anything Daltrey, Jagger or Cobain had. She just wants fame, and by her appearance on that awful bbc show she has made that evident. So stop talking trash about how good she is cause she is not. Like and every other wank shot writing fucking awful music to make money instead of passionate Observations, it is only killing modern pop culture and hopefully soon the rise of talent will come to the forefront and show why these fucking useless cunts in the pop charts are obsolete.

      I don’t know why I received this message in my email but I read it and I was disgraced at the ignorance of some who think this is of a high caliber. And honestly i should of left this to Ghostmut as he is fully capable but I am just fed up of this terrible music, this quest for fame and money, horrible role models with no messages. Turning the Nation into a bunch of mindless sheople who only care about social pressures to decide for them what is good or not instead of evaluating why something is good or bad. Trust me there is far more decent music out there and do not defend some media whore who is actually talentless in comparison to the ones who have been and gone and who will live on in the history of music.

      • jonno October 27, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

        Very well said. Jessie J is just part of a much larger, talentless problem. Wake up people and stop wasting your money on this shite.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: