June 2010 – Reviews To Fuck You Off

12 Jun

Stone Temple Pilots – Stone Temple Pilots

What’s that you say? Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden? All gash I’m afraid compared to the mighty Stone Temple Pilots. Seattle’s best band ever. Long despised for sounding like a corporate alt-rock version of the grunge scene Stone Temple Pilots laughed this off by releasing albums that were better than everyone else’s consistently. So fresh from his terrible work with Velvet Revolver Scott Weiland comes back to STP and here they release a record that is that rock/pop fusion we’ve long been missing. All riffs, swagger and catchiness. That may make some of you sick in your mouth but then you’re wrong.

Laura Marling – I Speak Because I Can

Well her debut was fantastic and my hopes were very high for this new one. I am Jack’s disappointment. Vocally she has lost a lot of her own personality and just seems to be mimicking ye-olde-folk singers of years past. The vocals melodies are weak, nothing memorable. It is quite frustrating when an artist with so much talent decides to try and pigeonhole herself into a specific genre so she can maximise her fanbase of smelly hippies. Basically it’s whimsical folk guitar music that sounds like Bert Jansch from the 60s. A real loss this. Bin.

Scouting for Girls – Everyone Wants To Be On TV

Firstly, I love their first record. Big pop melodies, plinky piano, heavily accented awfulness – YAY! Oh my, She’s So Lovely was FABULOUS. So the new one – well it opens like a Snow Patrol song. Am I listening to the wrong album? Vocals come in – oh no. This is the same band. Sound is more polished than before. Less plinky piano though – I HATE IT. Oh but afterwards we’re straight back into the expected, although produced like a Flo-Rida song. Auto-tuned vocals.

Lyrically, the audience for this is probably the same ones who bought Michael McIntyre’s dvd. It has that same range. I AM MAN YOU ARE WOMAN – YOU LEAVE ME FOR NO REASON. MAN/WOMAN DIVIDE MUST BE PERPETUATED AT ALL COSTS. On this record they really come across like one of those American rock bands doing a ballad like Goo Goo Dolls etc. He even mutes the excessiveness of his accent so that it is not as annoying and cockney whinging. However, this therefore makes it completely bland and like every other record out there. At least when they were trite-piano rock no one had been doing that for awhile.

But wait, the worst is yet to come. Go and listen to Posh Girls. I demand it. Oh man, it’s like an attempt to sound like the fucking Jam except frighteningly misogynistic.

Chorus:

“Posh girls have good manners, but they go like the clappers,
Because they never got to hang around with boys at school.”

And the post chorus features the following refrain:

“There’s nothing like a little bit of class. Wrapped in a perfect ass”

Expect this to be in the bargain bucket in no time. Or number one.

Christina Aguilera – Bionic

Coming off like a really bad Lady Gaga – her fashion sense has always been laughable and its funny seeing her relegated to playing second fiddle behind Haus Gaga – but I’ve never really minded Christina. She’s always been pretty hot but slowly turned into a tanorexic with the dress sense of a colour blind circus clown and erections duly subsided. But her new video Not Myself Tonight… Latex, filth, ahem, tissue please. I’ll be quite honest, I quite liked her second album Stripped but that was 10 years ago so let’s see how she’s moved on:

What the fuck! Is this Christina Aguilera? This is genuinely interesting. She sounds like Santagold. In fact, Bionic and Elastic Love are Santagold songs almost, loads of wild 8bit chip-choon and minimal chorus’. The first four songs are a real change in direction for her – nothing new of course – but it’s good to see a popular artists doing this kinda stuff.

Ahgh…but all too soon the album is straight back to the obvious. GODDAMN IT. The rest of the album sounds just like her old stuff. Big manly warbling chorus’, bish bash drum beats, this is the music we found reason to fucking ignore you in the first place! Look, dressing in latex is all well and good but having a song helps. You don’t – so stick to lapdancing and keep your fucking cumhole shut.

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