May – More Reviews To Fuck You Off

12 May

Mogwai – Come Die Young

The audio equivalent to developing a rare disease which meant your testes grow sperm with barbwire tails. Not only that, but the condition worsened to the extent you have constipated ejaculations where each spurt took over fifteen minutes to exit from your body. In the end all you’re left with is a GBH charge from your partner and a bloody and torn urethra. -5/10 (points taken off for amount of syllables used to pronounce band and album name).

Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles (II)

I found their debut to be hit and miss but this is a lot more manic – yet consistent. Sure, lots of the sounds are almost straight off their first record and if anything it feels like you’ve heard it before. But just when you think it’s lapsed into MOR it fills your speakers with heavy white noise for a minute (on Intimate for example). Can only get better with more listens. 8/10

Foals – Total Life Forever

Simply enough, their first album was one of the most enjoyable albums I’ve heard in years. Maybe not one of the best albums ever but, like The XX, one of the most pleasant and solid albums that I set as a default when I couldn’t think of anything else to put on. So the follow up, I wasn’t expecting it to be as good and it isn’t. In fact, it’s like a lot of bands second albums where they decide from now on they’re going to sound like one song from the first album and all their songwriting is based on that. Not bad, just frighteningly uninspired. Spanish Sahara was the standout track for me. 7/10

Metric – Fantasies

99p for the whole album on Spotify right now. Worth a shot! First track is worth 99p alone – maybe a minute overlong but still wicked. Like Garbage with a hotter voice that becomes less hot when you see the reality of the face it comes out of. Overall though, it’s a typical album of mid-paced verses and doublespeed chorus’. All very nice but a bit ho-hum in the context of an album. Imagine their remixes will be better. Gold Guns Girls is what I wanted to hear though so if anything check that and Help Me I’m Alive out. 4/10

Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

So best album of last year according to lots of magazines. WHAT? I mean WHAT? I understand Kasabian, Oasis, whatever, as at least there’s a chorus or something, but this I don’t understand. It’s a thunderously dull piece of nothing. Rubbishy nothing music which should be played in department store elevators that have been closed since the 70s. It has no peaks, no arrangements, IT IS SO FUCKING BLAND! Their trick is to hold down one sound on a keyboard for the entire length of a song and put a quirky-yet-ultimately-fail drum beat on while droning vocals with no melody go over the top. It’s for the kind of people who don’t like music yet still feel the need to have their say on the subject even though they have the average Now That’s What I Call Music purchasers level of worth. If being raped by a fairground clown with a voice so dull he doesn’t even need rohypnol to make you feel hopeless and woozy then this is the album for you. -∞/10


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