Marina And The Diamonds – The Family Jewels / Amanda Palmer – Who Killed Amanda Palmer?

4 May

Are You Satisfied?
Woah, her voice is really strange. Oh it’s like some Kate Bush or Tori Amos song. Sounds really dated. Lovely prog rock sci-fi keyboards on the chorus! Haha, this is pretty cool. I quite like it!

Yay! A pun. Two of them in fact! I love it. Whoa, she really sounds like Tori Amos doesn’t she? The music is like old electro and the vocals feel so dated. Weird sound I’m not sure I like it.

I Am Not A Robot
Plinky plonk plinky plonk donk. This is a Kate Bush/Tori Amos sound and I don’t like it. Her voice is super annoying.

Oh man from this point all these songs are the same. Nah, fuck it. Review cancelled. I was gonna try to review this but unfortunately it’s all bouncy plinky plonk piano and in all honesty is fucking terrible. I must mention Hollywood though as that is a great track. From the wrong decade but still a great track. Let’s just move on. I’ve been informed by my super hot girlfriend that Marina sounds like Amanda Palmer and the Dresden Dolls. Now nothing in my life has meant less to me than Amanda Palmer (maybe Dr Who) so I should probably review that too shouldn’t I?

* edit May 7th: I listened to the Marina album again and it was actually kind of alright. (probably something to do with listening to Amanda Palmer) I will give it 5/10.*

Amanda Palmer – Who Killed Amanda Palmer

Ooh, it’s like Tom Waits except after a minute it turns into carnival ear rape. Oh fuck me; it’s like Marina except with a worse voice. Better arrangements on the songs, nice production. Shame her lyrics sound like they were written by choir boys who were molested by catholic priests.

Runs In The Family
He gets “shits in the night”? Oh no, (s)he said “shakes in the night”. Damn, I was hoping this song was going to be about diarrhoea! That would have been ace. Runs In The Family = lolz. Instead this track is like someone squatting over your face and pinching off a sloppy brown curly directly into your mouth. Really awful.

Wow, interesting song title. Ah, this is a ballad. You can tell because she sings properly and it doesn’t have an oompa-oompa rhythm section. And like so many piano-based musicians there is no chorus that I can find. So far her songs have been ruined by just having too many lyrics. And her writing is so hamfisted. It’s like Inspector Gadget having a wank – you know he’d need Penny or that dog to help him out as he’s useless on his own. And that’s what’s needed here – someone to help out and take some of the emphasis off her.

Leeds United
Oh finally, this is the jolly fun sound I was expecting from the record. It’s pretty decent. Again though, too many words. It’s clogging up the melodies. WOMAN SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A BIT. I calculate that there are precisely three seconds of this 4:46 song where she isn’t make some fucking noise over it. Jesus Christ, who do you think you are? YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH! You’re BORING US! Best song so far but it would have been nice to hear some music with those vocals.

Blake Says
Oh good another boring ballad. And now her voice is annoying me. She has yet to say something that captures my imagination. I’m really listening because I want to be bewitched by her voice. That must be why people go nuts about this crazy bitch. Ah, finally I get what I want. Half way through there is a beautiful instrumental break with none of her voice on. It is wonderful. As ballads go this is actually a good one in retrospect. Not a life changer but still pretty good.

Strength Through Music
Irony. You’re sapping my strength through your music, Amanda. How about we just call this one BIG CHORDS ON A PIANO and move on?

Guitar Hero
Back to the oompa oompa rhythm! This is quite a strong track. It’s just the same section looped over and over while more layers get dropped on over the top. But she’s back to filling up every second with vocals. Fucks sake, she makes more noise than my fucking cat and I have to boot that thing out the window if I need any peace and quiet. Where the hell are you Amanda, I want to invite you around so I can boot you out the window.

Have To Drive
Snooooooooooozzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Really dull.Oh hello you woke me up with a huge break but this is still just a rejected Eurovision track. Plinky plonk.

What’s the Use Of Wonderin’
Another vocal style? Are you taking the piss woman? Oh right, it’s a cover from Carousel. I only pray if the Gods could strike you down it happens right now. I mean is this album a troll? It’s called Who Killed Amanda Palmer and before listening I didn’t wish the girl any harm. But now I want to fire her from a cannon pointed at Iran or, just simply, from a cannon pointed at the ground.

Lolz. This is like an Elvis Costello and finally is the song I wanted to hear. Black as fuck lyrics about rape, abortions and general awesomeness. More like this please. Also this is 2008 and she’s writing a song about Oasis and Blur? Come on those bands were over by then. How out of touch are you? Shame on you for not picking a better target.

Seriously though, on second listen this feels very exploitative. It doesn’t feel like it’s given the subject matter enough thought.

The Point Of It All

Another Year
Another boring song. Same song structure as the last 12.

Is this the same song? Honestly, except for Oasis I reckon you could skip through this record and they would ALL sound the fucking same. You know when you skip through albums by Anal Cunt or Cannibal Corpse? That’s what this sounds like.

“I’m standing by the sink, I’m pretending to wink.”

Those are real lyrics. Jesus fuck. This is bad. And that’s why you don’t have the right to write songs about rape in a jolly manner. Because you fucking SUCK.

Everything about this should be destroyed. I mean I appreciate that this is music for girls who want to be burlesque or guys who can’t watch porn ‘cos they’ve got a prudish girlfriend. But this is really, really bad. It’s emotionless drivel. Like a Manic Street Preachers album for girls. And her voice?! God, if I could go back in time just once it wouldn’t be to kill Hitler or anything noble like that. It would be to go back and kick Russell T Davies mother in the fucking stomach. But then, second on the list, I’d go over to Amanda’s house and rip her fucking throat out.

Love and peace to all

Score: -100 out of 10


5 Responses to “Marina And The Diamonds – The Family Jewels / Amanda Palmer – Who Killed Amanda Palmer?”

  1. Julie September 11, 2010 at 4:39 pm #

    Rude xo

  2. Rebecca April 19, 2011 at 5:57 am #

    This review is so pretentious it makes me dizzy. Here I sit in my lounge room, reading a review done by a stranger who I couldn’t care less about, yet everying they have written is utter bullshit. Amanda Palmer’s music is NOTHING but beauty, passion and a big ‘fuck you’ to people like you who critique music so negatively. She pushes boundaries in her music, her appearance, and her attitude towards the music industry. She connects with the people who support her music and she has a great respect and understanding for many musicians before her (many of who have performed with her, and supported her as a very important change in current music.) This review was one big contradiction of what Amanda Palmer’s music is about. You are exactly the kind of person that she speaks of in her performances, and quite frankly, it’s rather amusing.

    • ghostsmut April 19, 2011 at 8:40 am #

      Oh shut up and make me a sandwich.

      • Rebecca April 26, 2011 at 10:02 am #


  3. Rebecca April 26, 2011 at 10:03 am #

    I really shouldn’t have expected any kind of intelligent answer to this.

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