I’ll be honest. Temposhark’s debut album is one of the best pop debuts of all time. Flawless in every way without a single duff track. Have you listened to it? No, you probably haven’t as not enough of the singles were on TMF and you’re too busy masturbating over the Sugababes like they were ever even relevant. You know those guys you used to see back in the day who were well over 30 with an Iron Maiden t-shirt trying to be hip that you used to laugh at every single week with your mates. Well now, that’s you. And that t-shirt you keep wearing is referencing an album that came out over 10 years ago. Now grow up and stop living on repeat.
Ahem. Moving on, I have been equally shaken and unstirred by the two new Temposhark singles. So let’s see how it plays out as I give the album my once over review-on-first-listen.
Ooh, it’s like a 60s melody but played on 80s synths. W00t! When it breaks it’s fucking lovely. This is a perfect pop song. Flawless. Starting the album with it just makes me smile from ear to ear. This album is going to be fucking sweet.
The World Does Not Revolve Around You
Again with the plinky-plonk melody and groove. Why this didn’t smash the charts and be in everyone’s head makes me realise that there is absolutely no reason to make music anymore. No one listens unless Heat magazine tells them to love it. CATTLE YOU ALL NEED TO BE FUCKING KILLED, (ps. I love this).
Bye Bye Baby
So yeah, I didn’t really like this track as a single. It doesn’t seem as strong as the other single. And again, on the album it doesn’t peak the way I feel it should. Although by the end I may have changed my mind. Okay, it’s good and I’m converted. I do think it’s going for that Rihanna RnB style and is flawed because it just cannot get that level of production.
Okay, title track. Bit ballady, Nice prechorus though… oh wait, that’s the chorus? Hmm. Doesn’t feel enough. The verse is very mid paced. The post chorus oooh-oooh bit sounds like something I should hear on an advert or on The Hills/Grays Anatomy. On the last album we had Battleships and Better To Have Loved and both of them were better than this. Shame.
Ah, bit of a quicker tempo. Again though, weak verse. And the chorus feels exactly the same as the song previous Threads. The mix feels a little shaky but again the chorus and post chorus are the best parts of it. Oh man, please don’t have any more mid paced ballady ones. Two in a row is not what I wanted from this. Lovely end bit where the string section comes in and a beat goes on over the top and then it ends. That almost makes the song.
Ah, another one attempting for that Timbaland RnB beats but sounds too weak. Mix is off too – some instruments jump out way more than feels comfortable. The song, I’m sorry to say, is weak. This is getting very disappointing and I definitely didn’t want that. But basically this track is like a very bad RnB track. Sounds amateurish.
Okay, a ballad. But much stronger. Great start. The songwriting is obvious – almost sign-posted. You can tell everything that’s gonna happen. Kinda like a Kelly Clarkson track. But is that bad in pop? Hell no. This is great. Oh my but it’s changing and when the chorus comes in it’s very restrained. The mix on this song is shocking. It’s ruining it for me. The drums are well too quiet. All the instruments are at half-arsed levels. And when the final chorus comes in, you can’t hear anything but his vocals and a bit of bass and some tinny as fuck hi hats. Who the fuck produced it like this? REALLY REALLY bad.
Awful drums again. Too quiet and the patterns are just pish. We’re in Bon Jovi territory now. This is mid paced and empty. The song lives only for the chorus and once again it isn’t anything to write home about.
Say I’m Sorry
Oh good. A ballad. Awful. Now you need to say sorry to me for making it.
Better. At last. You’ve remembered to turn the drums up at least. FINALLY! The chorus means something and it kicks in. Sounds like a James Bond theme and that’s no bad thing. Even at it’s peak though it’s not even a patch on a single track from the first album.
Last Time I Saw Matthew
Another ballad?! Are you fucking kidding me? Crucially though – this is beautiful. Mr Shark sings like he means it and the whole thing rings true. Which in a way is worse as it makes every single other ballad on the album 100% worthless. Or 100% Mariah Carey. This track though reminds me of Tori Amos and closes the album perfectly.
I said “CLOSES THE ALBUM PERFECTLY”. I did not want two fucking godawful remixes of Threads after. Oh man, what the fuck is this? Were these done by a five year old with cerebral palsy? Whoever the fuck you are Majiker and Morgan Page you can’t remix for shit. These sound so cold like all you can hear is the sound of cash being counted. What these remixes do achieve, however; is to highlight how crap the song Threads is. Two different people having a crack at making something worthwhile out of it and failing. Although the second one was a bit quicker so it woke me up from my fucking COMA.
In closing, alongside England’s performances in major footballing competitions Temposhark’s second album is one of the biggest disappointments I’ve experienced in my life. I’ve followed this guy since the beginning. Bought demos from his website and watched him release a stunning debut album which I had in my top albums of 2007 and 2008 as it was released digitally in one year and on cd the next. THAT is how much I liked it. So this dull-as-dishwater follow up that no one will ever take any notice of is very upsetting for me. I think if it hadn’t have started with a track sounding like it was straight off the first album it would have been easier to take. Well I guess I can listen to this as an EP. Irresistible, The World Does Not Revolve Around You and Last Time I Saw Matthew. That’s all you need from this album. Move on now, and find the next big thing. It isn’t here.