Okay. Let’s get the obvious out of the way; Beyoncé is one of the finest specimens of the female form at a visual-only level. So moving on, songs. She released this like in 2008 but like a kid (or Jay-Z) suckling at her frequently exposed breasts it’s still being milked dry. Instead of reviewing this in any sensible way – this is a listen-to-once-through review. Which means I am going to review as I listen to it – much in the same way as my Megadeth review previously. Obviously I have heard a good few already as singles have been released off this for two years now. Anyway, let’s continue.
WTF!? This is a double album? Jesus, okay then.
If I Were A Boy
Heard it already. But instead of playing the stare-at-Beyoncé-looking-pretty-in-the-video-game let’s listen to the song instead. Yeah, okay. Not bad as stirring ballads go, but a little bit obvious and just a tad more bland. Weird choice for the start of the album. Definitely questionable lyrical content. Reminds me of a Michael McIntrye stand-up routine – Men do these things, women do these things so if I repeat them I enforce them as being correct even though they are completely fucking outdated. Hmm, has no one parodied this song yet? “If I was a girl, I’d touch myself frequently, I’d refuse to wear my clothes and swear homosexuality is wrong.” Check it, it fits. And sums up Beyoncé’s airhead uselessness.
What? Why is Halo, another ballad, on second? And – I’m full of praise here – this is one of the best songs of the 2000 era. I absolutely love this track. She sings on a lower register so when the chorus builds then breaks is amazing. This is written by that dude from OneRepublic who did that Apologize and wrote Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love. Man, he can certainly write a ballad – all of them are pretty good. I really like the videogame-esque synths in the chorus which are a nice juxtaposition.
Yeah, this song is perfect. I can’t fault it in any way. Crap video though.
Er. Another ballad. Hang on. Oh, okay. So just by looking at the tracklisting I can see that all of Disc 1 has the slow songs on and all Disc 2 seem to have the faster songs on. Why would you… fuck it, never mind.
So this song should have Disappeared off the album. But let’s be honest, this album is gonna need something pretty fucking major to follow Halo. Especially if it’s attempting to counter Halo with more ballads. This track is just nothing. The beat is so slow if your pulse was the same speed you’d be dead. More lyrical content blaming the male for relationship breaking up. Le sigh.
Strong piano lead shows a bit of promise. Elevator verse and pre-chorus though. Slightly obligatory R&B drums come in after chorus – elevator moving a bit faster but I’d like to get out now. Ooh, those weird videogame synths have come in again. Chorus is better now – this one is subtle in the way it builds up. Can’t think of what exactly but this whole album so far reminds me of something else. Probably a Whitney Houston album from the 80s. Song finishes in a crap way.
Oh man, this is tough. Hasn’t this song been on already? Really getting bored by these arrangements now. Fuck me, Media Player just said this song was written by Amanda Ghost. She released one of the best debut albums years ago. Then she fucked off for ages and came back and wrote You’re Beautiful for James Blunt. That’s what territory we’re in now – this sounds like a fucking Christmas Carol. Well a Christmas Carol with leprosy.
Smash Into You
Damn right. If I saw Beyoncé all naked and shit I’d smash right into her.
Man, 1:05 before a drum beat or any form of melody comes in. I want 1 min of my life back! This is absolute dirge. It sounds like they put a mic into a toilet roll holder and then ever so slowly pulled it and recorded that non existent sound of the paper rolling. God it’s dull. There’s even – an attempt at – a big crashing break at around 3:30 but all you get is her voice much fucking louder with a few more instruments. Terrible ending again.
Also by Amanda Ghost. Song=nothing. God, I’m so sick of all the songs having the song title sang high up with a warble. Emotionally void I now believe we could replace the song titles with everyday words like “council tax” or “toenail clippers” and she’d still make it sound like this.
That’s Why You’re Beautiful
Ooh, sounds like an end song. Drums from the off but again with the snail paced vocal. Honestly, if you took the vocals off this it could be a post-rock track like for Mt. or Capulet. Really, really terrible track. Sounds like someone having their sexual organs being used as a bungie-jump cord. Except it doesn’t because that would at least sound like there was some fucking emotion in it. Jesus this is dull. Skipped at 3:32 cos I couldn’t stand it any longer.
All The Single Ladies
Oh yeah, this song is terrible no doubt. However after that gas chamber of a first disc I need anything to raise my pulse. This is quite simply a song that was written by someone who was mentally retarded. It’s like three different songs that have been pasted together. I think I might love it. The videogame synths come back on and they are most welcome. Slightly confused again by the male bashing going on again. For someone whose career is to dance around with no clothes on whilst being married to Jay Z I am slightly confused by her own morals. It’s interesting that this song has no beginning or end. It’s like 3 chorus’ and it could have gone on for 60 minutes and you wouldn’t have known. Ridiculous – no doubt – but better.
Er, did someone turn the instruments down. All you can hear is the drums and her voice. Really bad mix here – this could have been decent. Lyrically again we’re in Dumbbitch Land. For all the adult themes on the first disc we’re back to “I’m in love with my radio” and “in my bedroom” teenage dream nonsense. God, it’s badly done. Could have been a lot stronger too.
KILL ME NOW.
Okay, better. Was this a single? Kinda recognise it. It is at least a song. Ooh, much much better. Great chorus. I’d forgotten what a chorus was. We haven’t had one since Broken-Hearted Girl. Again, lovely synths. Annoying drum sounds though but this is common in modern “R&B” tracks. Ever heard of toms for fucks sake? Fade out?! Only Halo has had a decent ending. All the others have been the sound of someone choking to death on their own unimportance.
Oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god you have just destroyed all of society and all hope that ever possibly remained. Let everything die. Let the tides rise. I’m not going to recycle, give a fuck about the environment or laws anymore, I’m gonna buy a 4×4 and fit it with bull bars and drive 90 mph past primary schools just to mash children up and save them from the only future our generation fucking deserves. This is the end of all things.
Please, please be a cover of Lionel Richie. Oh no. It’s a terrible ballad but with the drums twice as fast the vocal style is more fitting with the rest of Disc 2. You had me at Hello? You’ve ripped off Jerry Maguire. Bland bland bland. Hello? HELL, oh.
Bit of fun this one by the sound of the opening. Bluesy jazz stuff. With a comedy brass hit. But then again that boring bastard piano player has to come and piss all over it. Again, no chorus or really any melody and the song is about absolutely nothing that should matter to anyone who is alive. By that I mean, if you think this song relates to your life then kill yourself immediately. I don’t care how. Just get off this planet.
Scared of Lonely
More emptiness. There is no song here. This just sounds like reinforcing how useless you are as a female. Instead of giving a “I’m a strong independent woman” message which is what this world needs. We get “oh you’re not here so I hold my pillow tight and I’m scared of being lonely” or as with the first track “I wish I was a boy so I could be strong as women aren’t allowed to be strong”. Right, well the songs have stopped now but my ears are still vomiting.
So overall – songs worth a damn= Halo, Broken-Hearted Girl, Sweet Dreams, and I guess, All The Single Ladies. This could have been an okay EP I think. If they’d mixed it up so it went one fast song then one slow song, etc it would have been much easier to listen to. Finally, each cd is 30 mins which is a horrific waste of resources since that actually would have fitted onto one cd.
Score: -14 out of 10
(Minus points added due to some songs being so terrible they took score below zero. Score without modification: 2/10)