The Worst Albums of All Time (part 1)

4 Mar

The Worst Albums Of All Time (part 1)

I have heard some terrible albums in my time. Here are a few off the top of my head. Also, I did not choose obvious albums. For example, I imagine the Mr Blobby album would be the worst thing ever – but it was never meant to be great so it doesn’t really count. What I was trying to nail was albums by bands who really thought they were setting the world alight and, in fact, should have just set burnt themselves.

1. No Doubt – Tragic Kingdom

What can I say? This is the worst album I have ever heard. It stunk up every party I went to during school/college and perpetuated the idea that women with no boobies could be attractive. No dice. Gwen Stefani is one of the ugliest human beings I have had the misfortune to set eyes on. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself – first we must talk about the music. Young pretenders may get in a flap and call them “ska-punk” but let’s set the record straight: that genre does not exist. The only difference that makes up all these silly other ones are the types of instruments that you play them on. And because you feel the need to segregate yourself into little groups and cliques. Gah. Grow up.

Spiderwebs. First song in and I want to kill myself.

Just A Girl. “Whoa-oh-oh-oh, I love it up me” Is that what she “sings”? Now I want HER to die too.

Hey You. Grgrrrrgrgrgrgr… teeth cracking.

Don’t Speak. THAT’S IT! Delirious wet daydreams invade my head involving given Gwen a breast implant but swapping the silicone for gelignite and fucking detonating the useless whiny cunt along with her faggot band mates and the entire crowd.

Nothing worthwhile on the entire record. Sad useless pointless songs that mean nothing. She can’t sing and has no charisma. Her solo album is fucking terrible too. She even had the nerve to try and mess up Space Travel by Bush with her noise. Scooping out her eyes; severing her spinal cord with bolt cutters, manually sanding her face off with glass paper: these things make me stiff.

2. A Perfect Circle – eMotive

Okay. Deep breath. This kinda makes me wanna Jihad someone. This is a protest album released to coincide with the US election. Like Fannyheight 911 by Michael Moore, it misses all of its targets and ends up so distilled it can be dismissed without even recognising its existence. This is so fucking pussy and weak I place the entire responsibility of Bush’s re-election and second term in government in the hands of these fucking cunts. Chant with me: “Maynard must be arseraped! Maynard must be arseraped! Maynard must be arseraped!”

Only then will he get fucking angry and write decent shit like Hooker With A Penis or any of that stuff. I might go and tell him he’s sold out just to get his blood boiling. Too much money and you’ve become a hippy! Don’t you fucking write a new Tool album and put wimpy whispers and unconvincing resentment on it!

Getting back to eMotive: HOW DARE YOU WRITE A PROTEST ALBUM AND NOT BE FUCKING ANGRY?! So laid back George Bush probably listens to this to de-stress after a hard day killing innocent people. How the fuck did you do an album that is so vacant and misplaced? Your target was George Bush and all the horrific things this cunt has done and what do you do? YOU COVER IMAGINE!

The song is bad enough without someone covering it! And doing a feeble acoustic shit-fest of a cover. Speaking as a liberal this album really makes me want to strap explosives to myself and detonate a school full of children. Just to save them from ever growing up and hearing this album.

3. Deftones – White Pony

First of all. I like the Deftones. Well, I liked the first two records. This though is a whole new kettle of pish. I went to see these guys live with Will Haven on the Around The Fur tour and you knew Deftones were not about the music anymore as soon as a chorus of pre-pubescent sluts start chanting his name when they came on stage. “Chino! Chino! Chino!” Give me a fucking break! What the fuck is this?

And then they go and release this shit. Let’s just take the dullest guitar sound from Adrenaline and use it for an entire album. Same guitar sound ALL ALBUM. Same dull vocals. Is this guy in a coma, does he fucking care?

Knfe Prty – Yes, the title lacks vowels (it’s a metaphor for lack of talent.) Tragic song, but then the ultimate hilarity, attempting to emulate The Great Gig In The Sky by Pink Floyd! You get some more dull chords and a woman starts screeching over the top. Look, don’t even bother. Your empty pop songs played with a distortion pedal from your previous albums still can’t sway my opinion in your favour here.

The song Korea does make me think of torture though. Maybe that was deliberate.

And then Passenger, featuring Maynard from Tool. Oh good. The two dreariest guys in metal moaning together. I thought this day would never come. I think I may never come. Again. Oh and it sounds just like a vocal melody from Tool’s Undertow.

Words can’t really express how unoriginal and pathetic this album is. Experimental? You’re kidding? Experimental if you’ve had a life of listening to Iron Maiden make a career out of playing classical music with loud guitars, or listening to the Nu-Metal scene as if they were different bands. Possibly one of the reasons I feel alienated with the Metal scene at the moment is that when this album came out everyone was like “oh my god – amazing!” and giving it Album of the Year. I guess if Kerrang! says it’s awesome half its readers think it’s awesome too. I forget that if a band are cool you like their music and not the other way around. I understand that if you’ve grown up listening to metal you got into it because the image was cooler. But we’re getting older now and metal just about looks the stupidest thing that ever existed.

Don’t make an album if you have nothing to say. No one remembers you guys anyway.

4. Coal Chamber – Chamber Music

Coal Chamber first of all made us laugh with “roof on fire” songs and image over talent marketing. This tactic is always used to full effect in goth and metal. For all that are angered by boy band dance routines and rap stars having girls with no clothes on in their videos then get a load of metal. Black, chains, makeup, men in nail varnish. The same poor excuse for existence that pop marketing is. Accept it, Coal Chamber were for those that were not swept away in the mainstream Boyzone tidal wave. You are a target market. Successfully suckered.

If you liked metal during your teenage years you probably remember “moshing” to Loco. Oh, for those years to be replaced. They haunt my dreams. I see no difference between Coal Chamber and Ant and Dec. The only difference is the music for Coal Chamber is put through distortion and Dez can’t sing. Song structures remain the same. Let’s Get Ready 2 Rumble = Sway.

Now that’s just the first album. Can you actually believe that they were allowed to make anything EVER again? Well, CAN you?!

Shock The Monkey? What the fuck. And Ozzy too? Fucking hell. People bought this? *shotgun blast*

5. Manic Street Preachers – This Is My Truth…

If you own this record and enjoy it I hope your reproductive organs wither and your spastic kids murder you in your sleep by anally raping you with a broken bottle that’s been dipped in AIDS-infected blood.

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