SHIT THAT SHOULD BE DESTROYED:

Skrillex – First of the Year

As with all Skrillex this sounds like a 2 year old made it. Not only that but it also sounds 2 years old. No new ideas, obvious and heard-before techniques. Look you prick you’ve managed to kill dubstep – which is probably a good thing – but you need to evolve now. You have a stereotyped sound which comes across as uninspired – much in the same way as when you hear a new Nickelback tune you go “oh god”. Oh and your video is basically 20 years out of date. Didn’t Aphex Twin do this with Come To Daddy? Shut the fuck up and get your hair sorted pissface.

Jay Z and Kanye West – Otis

Look, if you guys had really been Watching the (porcelain)  Throne this turd of a song wouldn’t have crawled out.

Jessie J – Who You Are

(as per my review earlier this year:) A fake. A charlatan dressed as an Emo princess. The cover suggests a strong female, potentially transgender, dark and mysterious. Instead I appear to be listening to an unreleased Girls Aloud album. No, that’s not fair on Girls Aloud. They at least knew pop tunes and had killer hooks. This has NO FUCKING HOOKS. It’s fucking godawful sphincter clenching trash. Cheesy like a teenager’s unwashed bellend and as musically clumsy as a virgin trying to stick it in.

*edit* Also, you can’t sing.

Battles – Ice Cream

(from my review earlier this year:) Allegedly a single; however, no one still knows who the fuck they are. Basically starts like the music to Willy Wonka at his most paedophilic. Nice riff when it gets going though. Anything past the verse is unbearably messy though. Like a turd bakesale. Just an incoherent mess like Scrappy Doo playing the guitar after getting trashed with Shaggy.

*edit* Interesting to note based on how much attention and “OMG this is amazing” reviews it got when it came out that it does not appear on anyone’s best of 2011 list. I was correct. Fuck you, Battles.

Fucked Up – Queen Of Hearts

Keep hearing loads of chatter about these guys and it appears that all of it is nonsense. It’s like someone telling you The Fall are good – you know to ignore everything they ever say. Basically, Fucked Up are a grim bunch of broken coke vials that someone menstruated on. A speculum of Worzel Gummidge politics and loud dumb noises. Five-year olds being hit with articulated lorries make better sounds.

Lady Gaga - Yoü And I

What can I say? I’ve already reviewed the album and didn’t think this one was so bad. However, I did state I hate this kind of music, but, as a troll myself, enjoyed this regurgitated Shania Twain vomit being spewed onto the Madonna cover album that Born This Way is. Just to fuck with people. You forget however that people who buy Lady Gaga albums buy music based on music videos or celebrity magazines. The rest of their album collection will be X Factor winners or Now That’s What I Call Music. So they all lapped it up.

Just to confirm, I actually don’t have an issue with Now albums and X Factor winners. That stuff is pure shit (usually) but you have your music and I’ll have mine. I’m just saying this song is an infected gash.

Black Eyed Peas – The Time (Dirty Bit)

Okay, except this and the next one where it would appear I do have a problem with that Now album shit. Do I even need to talk about this one? Apart from sampling the worst song from the most overrated film this side of Twilight it’s a mixture of heard-it-before production sounds and another swagger/Jagger rhyme. The fact it was number one says all you need to know about how many people buy singles anymore. Cancerous.

Pitbull (featuring Chris Brown) – International Love

One of the main things we learned in 2011 is that if your name is Pitbull you will appear on everyone’s songs at the drop of a hat. Pitbull reminds me of Brick from Anchorman. You know, the retarded one? His chat on songs fades away and all I hear is “I love lamp” or “I ate a big red candle”. A furious, pouting fountain of inane words tumble out across each song while you look around at other people’s faces to see if they’re also going “are you hearing this?”.

Also, this song has Chris Brown on – the female-hating cunt – who I hope dies soon.

The Rapture – How Deep Is Your Love?

Okay, so I liked The Rapture’s last album. Was silly and fun so Pitchfork and other neon-glasses wearing abortions hated it. They loved this though as it was a twee snoozefest. Like Fleet Foxes or BonfuckingIver. I checked it out and just came out of the coma last week. Fuck me, six minutes of this? Who do you think you are? Porcupine Tree?

Bon Iver – Holocene

Bon Iver are basically a hipster version of the goth two-step movement. Dressed up in their scratch and sniff clothing I can see their fans holding the back of their hands against their foreheads and pretending to mock-faint. Seriously, this insipid virus corrodes your ear canals and their vocals are like a nappy rash.

The pause between plugging in a usb device and your computer recognising it has more dynamics.

James Blake – The Wilhelms Scream

(from my review earlier this year:) It’s like Radiohead on Kid A without any melody or rhythm. Like the bit you get after a song is finishing after its crescendo and this is the section that fades out, and if you listened carefully enough you may catch your favourite artist cough or laugh or something before it disappears. Bit of beat came in. May have been hearing my own pulse though.

In a nutshell, it’s the sound of someone prolapsing at 20bpm.

And lastly, if I missed anyone, if you do somehow have the same opinion as me and agree with all of that then I still think you’re an idiot.

Click HERE for the Spotify playlist containing this awful shit.

Crapples - Arse Plop?

I saw Battles live awhile back with Fourtet and they were amazing. Really dynamic and controlled. Loved every moment. This was before their debut album which didn’t really captivate me in the same way. I was in two minds about this new album. Would it be back to that incredible controlled chaos I saw live or just a lot of polyrhythms stuck together? Let’s find out together shall we?

Africastle

Okay. Couple of minutes of nothing. Then a kick and lots of plinky plonk. Just like Tori Amos at her worst. Plinky plonky plink. Forgettable.

Ice Cream

Allegedly a single; however, no one still knows who the fuck they are. Basically starts like the music to Willy Wonka at his most peadophilic. Nice riff when it gets going though. Gah, anything past the verse is unbearably messy though. Like a turd bakesale. Just an incoherent mess like Scrappy Doo playing the guitar after getting trashed with Shaggy.

Oh wow. the album got interesting and started talking abut tigers and stuff. Oh no, wait. It was a Spotify advert for the Zoo. As you were.

Futura

A sad little man’s guitar dream would be a better title. Bland, insipid and more dangerously completely self-indulgent. I thought the whole point of instrumentals/IDM/Post-Rock was to make it sound like it didn’t need vocals? Everything so far just sounds like it’s missing a layer.

What’s worse is the drumming is TERRIBLE. Recycled beat patterns repeated over and over is not fooling anyone. (well apart from drooling fanboys who would grin like shit-eating sycophants even if they’d released a reworked soundtrack to Wayne’s World).

Inchworm

Could be the same song. That shuffling rhythm they keep using is unbearable. As fruitless as wanking a dildo hoping to get it to cum.

Wall Street

Better! Still Tori Amos plinky plonk. Same tones even. But more energetic. Feeling it a lot more. Awful ending. As with everything here. They just don’t know how to start or finish their songs. They always sound like unrehearsed jam sessions that just fall apart and then they noodle around for a bit.

My Machine

As if to hammer home what I said before – this has vocals and is significantly better than everything else before it. Mostly cos it isn’t just one riff played several different ways but looped for SIX FUCKING HOURS.

Dominican Fade

You spelt “fail” wrong.

Sweetie & Shag

Phew. I’m so glad we could get you out of bed to do vocals on our track. We really want you to be engaged and give us a great performance.

Oh.

Could be a UB40 vinyl played at 45rpm instead of 33.

Toddler

Soundtrack to a spaceship’s doors opening in a 1970′s sci-fi film.

Roles Bayce

WOW! Great opening. Messy deep tones really waking you up. FFS, then straight back into plinky plonk shit. Again.

White Electric

Cut and paste random bits of the above words into a new review. It’s what Battles did with their album and this song.

Sundome

Absolute garbage. Helpfully reminding us why no one will ever speak of this album again in 6 months time. Like 65daysofstatic’s last “effort”, it’s something for fanboys to mercilessly hype and still no one to actually like it.

Summar.

• Flat
• No ideas
• Unable to begin or end songs.
• All the songs sound like someone winding a Jack In The Box that has been superglued shut. Thereby begging the question why bother winding it at all? I personally wish they hadn’t bothered.
• Emotionless, erectionless wallpaper.
• Piss off, Crapples.

For a similar experience play the soundtrack to a Wim Wenders film whilst simultaneously listening to the TV drone on. After the first album I was wounded – she went for the throat. Here, there is nothing.

You have got to be fucking kidding...

First things first. That cover. O.M.G. It’s been a while since I saw such a stinker of a cover. It’s like a warning to all saying “hey, in a couple of years time you will be so embarrassed by this record you may as well just not buy me now”. Clever ploy by Gaga… ah, fuck is it. It’s a crusty speculum of an album cover. As hopeless as sitting on a glass dildo, singing a high C so it shatters and then trying to pull out the shards. Nasty.

Also, portraying yourself as a bike is just asking for misreadings. And by that, I mean pretending to be something you’re not. For all this chat of being “Born This Way” Gaga seems to do an awful lot of pretending. Lots of kissy kiss and near nude romps in her videos. Well, I don’t believe it. Cock tease is all she is. At least you knew Madonna fucked the dicks off most of her social scene back in the day. Hell, I’m sure back in the 80s and 90s she considered it a bad night if she didn’t wake up with at least ten types of fluid from different donors in or on her. And full respect to Madonna for that. Gaga has probably never had a dick in her mouth and would throw a tantrum if you spilt wine on her sofa (not a euphemism).

So that for me is the failings of Lady Gaga. I just don’t believe the act. Not yet anyway.

Now, let’s listen to the new record and see what we get:

Marry The Night

Simple rule of song writing. Start by singing the chorus slowly to imprint it into thick people’s heads. Then start the song and repeat it. It’s quite nice. Was expecting more really. Sounds like the theme music to a children’s tv show made in Japan. Nice thick side chain synth (which I love). Or maybe it’s just a really 90s song with a bit of new spangly production. By the last minute or so we enter what I call the Perpetual Chorus Syndrome. Gaga tries to break it up by stopping everything for a clapping section but it sounds pretty tired. In the last 50 seconds a new synth comes in which is great but probably a minute too late. Yeah, too long.

Born This Way

Enough’s been written about this. Find someone else’s review. All I will say is I’ve never heard Madonna’s “version” but this is still a great track. Really brilliant chorus. Maybe could do with more backing vocals in the mix but otherwise it’s ace.

Government Hooker

Oh god. This is a shoegaze opera singer saying “Gaga” over and over. This isn’t really anything exciting. In fact the chorus has a striking similarity to Groove Is In The Heart by Deee-Lite. Not the chords or anything just the overall sound but darker. Mixed in with a load of European EBM done badly. Way too fucking long. Shut up you silly woman.

Judas

Starts like Bad Romance. Yeah, this is good. Isn’t so much a song as an out and out remix. Oh cocks, awful chorus though. Her voice isn’t right – too plain and basic. Almost Britney-like with her hamfisted  attempt at singing nicely. No power or feeling there. Maybe Girls Aloud. Too bad. This album is clearly a mixed bag. Previously her releases have been hit and miss but on this album the song structures and compositions are hit and miss! So a song is good for a bit then rubbish. Just runs out of steam and stops. Blah.

Americano

This one is FUCKING DREADFUL. Sounds like I’ve heard it before too. Has an OOMPA OOMPA rhythm section and could easily have been a null point Eurovision entry. Do yourself a favour if you’re ever in a car with someone and they put this on – take your seatbelt off and crash.

Hair

So corny. Girl band fodder. Haha, although saying that the chorus is great. Nice arrangement. Sounds like eurotrance Sasha-esque mixed with Lars Ulrich from Metallica on drums. I think the whole album has had maybe two drum patterns on it. Hideous. This song is good though. And the lyrics are fantastically dumb – It’s about how she’s as “free as her hair”. #facepalm

Oh shame on you for fading out though.

Scheisse

Oh good. It’s Gaga doing her spoken word thing. I do wish she would shut her fucking trap once in a while. The spoken word routine is getting annoying. Good backing though, great synths. Not sure about the Faithless Insomnia bit. Yeah, by the chorus it’s lost all that it was at the beginning. Really very, very similar to songs on Apoptygma Berzerk’s Harmonizer album. Sounds like someone took loads of old songs and cut and pasted them together. The backing female vocal is directly taken from that Justin Timberlake Sexy Back song.

Bloody Mary

Vocally anaemic. Sounds like she just woke up then did the vocals. Wrong pacing, tempo is a little off. This really sounds like another album I’ve had for ages. I just can’t place it. It’s so astounding uneven and wasteful. This track especially could be on in a supermarket and you’d not realise it. You might buy extra toilet paper though.

Bad Kids

Ha, got some crazy guy screaming at the beginning. Oh hang on, that’s Gaga. Again with the fucking drop in thickness for the chorus. Starts off guns blazing and then collapses into another Betty Boo mid-paced snore fest. Fuck’s sake this is pissing me off now. We’re into the filler of the album and it’s so incomprehensible vacuous I feel my testicles drying up.

Highway Unicorn (Road To Love)

Again, strong start. Are you going to collapse into nothing? No, we get a nice sub bass. Ooh yeah, this is ace. Like the use of space and sinister driving bass. Oh fuck off. Then the chorus comes in and she sings it in her all pleasant voice. Then all the song texture is dissolved A-FUCKING-GAIN for a diseased eurocrap chorus. Fuck you Gaga. That “We Can Be Strong” chorus makes me physically sick. I’m going for a shit… BORED THIS WAY

Heavy Metal Lover

Oh man, all these songs are 4 minutes. That’s like Jessie J and it’s not right. All of these would be much better at 3 or maybe 3 and a half mins. That extra 30 seconds is killing these.

Fucking loving the side chained dubstep bass on this. Bit ruder lyrics = good. Could do with being a bit more engaging. Only enough ideas for 2 minutes here though and it’s 4 minutes long. Go away.

Electric Chapel

Could be the riff from any heavy metal album. Much better, she sings it straight and then when the chorus comes in it feels a lot more natural. Sounds like she doesn’t care sometimes. Could be Your Favourite Game by The Cardigans. Vocally and everything. Too long. Of course.

You And I

Love it. Doesn’t fit on the album at all. Imagine a song written by Nickleback and Cher. This would be it. I mean, kinda like what she’s trying to do. I just loathe this type of music. Texas will love it.

The Edge Of Glory

Back to the eurosynths, back to the toilet.

Summary

Move along people, nothing to see here. I was expecting more than this. I thought it was supposed to be shocking? This is just some twee girls hopes and dreams sang meekly. Some of the songs here are on a par with the output from Ark Music (of Rebecca Black fame). I’m not saying it’s bad like “Friday” but some of their other “artists” sound just like the majority of this album.

You wonder if Rebecca Black had dressed up in a meat suit a couple of years ago she’d be who everyone was banging on about. Lyrically, I can’t tell the difference.

There’s nothing awful here to be honest. There’s just nothing to get too excited about. If your music taste is undeveloped you’ll maybe get something from it. But if you look around elsewhere you’ll find pop songs billions of times better than anything here (bar the song Born This Way maybe). They won’t be prancing about naked or being more annoying that Morrissey though.

Still, if Ms Gaga wants to prove that she’s out to shock and is really about sexual empowerment I shall be waiting for her to pop over. It can be her next video. She’ll need to do a song that’s less than 3 minutes though.

Another year. Another Eurovision. I don’t remember there being this many songs last year. 43 tracks. That really is more than is reasonable. I have not heard ANYTHING from this years entries. All I know is that Jedward and Blue are somewhere in here. And surely, no other country can be as bad as Jedward?

Poland – Magdalena Tul – Jestem

Er, this is Womanizer by Britney Spears. Same vocal melody. Chorus isn’t good. I guess I’m comparing it to Womanizer’s chorus which is wicked. This is not.

Bosnia – Dino Merlin – Love In Rewind

Dino Merlin? Really. The wizard dinosaur. That should be AWESOME. Instead we have a ballad. Oh my, some bad lyrics here. School/Cool rhymes. Weird feel -bit of a sea shanty almost. Then in comes a beat that doesn’t fit on the track. I accept that this exists just not that it’s a song.

Latvia – Musiqq – Angel In Disguise

Sounds like something from the Silent Hill 2 soundtrack. The guitar production I mean. Okay, lyrically rubbish. But quite catchy. Nice chorus… Yeah, I reckon if they can build this up a bit more this has a good chance of a few votes. Very cheesy rap that sounds like it was taken off someone else’s record. Like when East 17 or 5ive tried to do a middle bit with a rap in? I am expecting Blue’s song to have a section like that. Oh, shame about the song structure. It has a middle rap bit then the chorus then into a weird high bit and collapses into the ending. Should have been better.

Norway – Stella Mwangi – Haba Haba

It’s funny how all the bass drums have been the same on every song so far. It’s like a mash up of songs that already existed and were bad in the first place. Now I could be wrong but I believe this song is about a girl’s Grandma selling her into the sex trade. Whilst telling her “Hubba Hubba” which is the universally accepted acknowledgement that a girl is hot. So why Grandma is saying it… Very sinister. Oh who am I kidding – it’s fucking mince.

Austria – Nadine Beiler – The Secret Is Love

Oh shut up. Michael Jackson write this I reckon. Awful hamfisted attempt at emotion. Horrid in every way. Like one of the worst examples found on the Jessie J album.

Albania – Aurela Gaçe – Feel The Passion

This has been produced by someone who is deaf. Hidden away in this song are some balls. Except they turned down the guitars and solos. Atrocious in every moment. Live, however, this maybe amazing.

Holland – 3JS – Never Alone

This is Beauty & The Beast from the Disney film. “Tale as old as time, ect”. Bland. Doesn’t engage me or my emotions.

Armenia – Emmy – Boom-Boom

I’m tiring of all these positive messages about making the world a better place. You can all go get fucked. It makes me to go hi-five Slobodan Milošević. Chorus was written by someone else. Doesn’t fit and stunnningly awful. I quite likes the verses which was quite well constructed then it pisses it all away for the chrous.

Belgium – Witloof Bay – With Love Baby

Oh my fucking god. Yeah, I like punching swans in the fucking face, glassing newborns and shitting in old folk’s toasters. But I do it with love so it’s all okay. Quite simply the worst accapella breakdown of all time. I hate everything this stands for, you boring bunch of frogs.

Slovakia – TWiiNS – I’m Still Alive

Yay. Time for a ballad. After that it can’t be bad. Oh fuck off. They ruin it with a rock drum beat. Far too harsh, not enough change in the pattern either. Really like the deep synth underneath everything. Chorus and vocals are nice. Shame the drum beat is the SAME ALL THE WAY FUCKING THROUGH! WTF. ARE YOU THE FUGEES? Hate it for the drum beat, like the rest of it.

Turkey – Yüksek Sadakat – Live It Up

Again, guitars turned down. Joan Jett was louder than this. Oh hang on, there is a second section in the verse which is great. The chorus is quite nice. The singer is shocking though. Oh my god. Is that what the chorus is? Is he saying “Kill yourself” on the chorus? Hahah. That is excellent. Tell those whiny emo fucks to just put up or shut up. Half these fools on medication should at least try suicide instead of moaning about it all the time. Good stuff. A positive message at last.

Oh hang on, just looked up the lyrics. He says “Give yourself a break” and NOT “kill yourself”. BOOOO! BOO! BOO!

Ukraine – Mika Newton – Angels

Nice arrangement on the opening and verse. Oh wow, that’s the chorus? Not really anything there. Was expecting some attempt at something epic. Glad there wasn’t. Like this one.

Serbia – Nina – Caroban

Many years out of date. Could have won in 1985. If Serbia hadn’t been bombed into the stone-age a few years back and were taking their time catching up I’d rip this one further. Could be the music for a gameshow or a terrible sitcom where everyone has bowel cancer.

Russia – Alex Sparrow – Get You

Worst song. Chorus makes some way back to save it.Still, it features a mongospazztard bashing a bass drum for 3 minutes. Will do well as a) it’s Russia and b) it’s Russia. Great advice too: “if you want to have fun tonight – just scream”. I’m sure Madeline McCann lives by this advice.

Moldova – Zdob si Zdub – So Lucky

Hahah. Could be Gogol Bordello. Very silly. Will bomb unless they have a crazy as fuck stageshow – but I like it.

Switzerland – Anna Rossinelli – In Love For A While

Is Eurovision over yet? I need to put ear condoms in to stop this infection spunking shit into my hearing canals. We should nuke Switzerland for this. DIE.

Sweden – Eric Saade – Popular

Whoa. Finally proper production. Love the electro feel on this one. Fuck me, the chorus is massive. Ignore my previous comments. This is how you do Eurovision. Terminally catchy. Love it.

Georgia – Eldrine – One More Day

Could be a demo. Badly thought-out instrumentation that tonally doesn’t work. Yeah, this is bad. Feels much longer than 3 minutes too.

Cyprus – Christos Mylordos – San aggelos s’agapisa

Lovely. And in foreign so I can’t be put off by bad lyrics. Just hope it doesn’t do a go crazy for the chorus… oh fuck off. Really muffled distorted guitars come in. Shit. Really was hoping it would stay in one genre. Sounds MUCH worse after chorus.

Finland – Paradise Oskar – Da Da Dam

Oh, a story. Oh, this is like that Tom guy from last year. Fuck, it’s really good. Bit mawkish but against the awfulness so far it shines – this will do top 5 no doubt. The chorus is really quite moving. But I’m a sucker for this shit. I’ve no shame saying I don’t mind James Blunt and all that singer songwriter stuff. Colour me surprised.

Bulgaria – Poli Genova – Na inat

Oh fuck off. Are all the countries only allowed to use the same instruments? Another song with a awful distorted guitar and low end synth. Could be something released by an X Factor contestant. Nice bit of piano after the middle section then into it’s wallpaper-in-a-nursing-home chorus.

Malta – Glen Vella – One Life

Comedy trance. Could be Culture Beat from years ago. Oh, the chorus isn’t very good. I was expecting more. You promised a lot more, Malteaser. Doubt this will even make the final. It’s not awful it’s jut not very anything.

Macedonia – Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

I’m not hearing anything anymore. I can’t tell what this is. I’ll try and focus a bit as the overall awfulness has beaten me a little. I guess it’s okay. It’s very Balkan-y, accordians, Gogol Bordello, etc. Alright.

France – Amaury Vassili – Sognu

Could be the National Anthem for a country that shouldn’t exist.

Israel – Dana International – Ding Dong

Will do well as she’s half-famous. Reasonable in a forgettable way. Tempo feels too slow – could probably get more momentum if it was sped up a bit. Ah, the middle section tries to rectify this. Key change after the middle bit? Ha, Eurovision with your cliches you are really spoiling us. High note at the end? Thankfully not. Think it would have been better with a half-decent vocalist though.

Italy – Raphael Gualazzi – Madness Of Love

Wild start. Then gets boring in a Harry Connick Jnr way. Love the Cab Calloway bit in the middle. Takes too long to get to the climax – much in the way of an Italian lover.

San Marino – Senit – Stand By

It’s safe to say we can ignore this. The first 10 seconds could be any 10 seconds from the rest of the song.

Croatia – Daria – Celebrate

Party time? Feels like a song that’ll build… Whoa, loud backing vocals. Oh fuck it. I’m just gonna go with this one. As camp as Paradise Lost. Not half bad attempt at a dubstep middle section. Better than Britneys on her last single. Like it.

Slovenia – Maja Keuc – No One

Starts VERY SERIOUS. Then X-Factor vocals come in. I don’t like this at all. However, this is exactly the type of shit idiots clog the charts up with. Even a bit of Spanish guitar. Basically this song is out of date but so are Slovenia. Aguilera’s nobcheese.

Romania – Hotel FM – Change

No where near as good as Saddam Hussain’s I Can Change from South Park: The Movie. Worst song of the competition. Also it just talks about changing the world. But not necessarily in a good way. So instead of donating to Amnesty and Unicef like I do I’m going to use the money to frequent brothels where I’ll get a much more hands-on approach to those lucky Romanian orphans who’ve been sold into the sex slave trade. Yep, I’m feeling better already. (edit. Two references about the sex slave trade in one post? Well, we are dealing with Europe here – what did you expect?).

Iceland – Sigurjón’s Friends – Coming Home

So jolly. I hate it. Makes me want to turn off life support machines in the Burn’s Unit.

UK – Blue – I Can

Er, those vocals didn’t fit so well against that melody at the start. Okay, lovely vocals I guess. Where is the melody tho? Haha, you know what? This isn’t too bad at all. For 90′s boyband with trance influences it’s pretty alright. Positive messages of course. But not quite as awful as I expected. This could bomb quite badly onstage as it’s so vocally driven. Yep, pretty acceptable stuff.

Estonia – Getter Jaani – Rockefeller Street

Let’s hope this doesn’t come after Blue. Worse vocals but the chorus is just trance synth and beat – much like the Blue song. I’m not feeling this at all. Not enough going on in the chorus. Don’t like. Oh, terrible be-bop middle section too.

Hungary – Kati Wolf – What About My Dreams

Ha, this song should be called Hungary Like The Wolf. Instead we get some Bryan Adams guitar with really insidious female vocals. Into disco territory for the chorus though. Nice side chaining on the synths I guess. Comes good by the end. Real thickness by the end. Good backing vocals but over-too-soon ending.

Portugal – Homens da Luta – A luta é alegria

Probably what music sounded like before instruments were invented. Astoundingly irritating.

Belarus – Anastasia Vinnikova – I Love Belarus

This will get votes because not giving it votes suggests you hate Belarus. I don’t know anything about Belarus. Except it sounds like a cross between Bell-end and Walrus. For me, it gives me heartburn and makes the hate well up inside me. Lights dim and deep reds flash in my eyes. The country should be bombed for this ear rape crime.

Germany – Lena – Taken By A Stranger

What? Didn’t she win last year? This is fucking unbelievably shit. I want to kick this fucking whore RIGHT IN THE FUCKING CUNT FOR THIS SHIT. HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE GERMANY? FIRST AUSCHWITZ. THEN LENA.

Lithuania – Evelina Sasenko – C’est ma vie

Disney. Aids.

Denmark – A Friend In London – New Tomorrow

First line = “Cum on boys. Cum on girls”. So that’s why you have a Legoland Denmark you massive bunch of paedos. Seriously though, this is harmless fluff. Could be anything – but I wish it was anything else. Could probably win.

Azerbaijan – Ell and Nikki – Running Scared

I’m a little beaten into submission with these songs now. Sounds a bit like Imogen Heap on the chorus. It’s quite nice. If this girl is hot it could do well.

Ireland – Jedward – Lipstick

Well, of course it’s awful. But in comparison against the rest of Eurovision? It’s catchy and sounds quite modern. Great bass tone. Vocals are as good as you could hope for from these two jokers. Live they will camp it up and fail heavily I imagine. But actually, this is great.

Greece – Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike – Watch My Dance

Oh why can men from Greece not sing? They do that gruff talking nonsense. If they set out to write the most excruciating unlistenable song of all time I think they overachieved. Nil points.

Spain – Lucía Pérez – Que me quiten lo bailao

Sounds traditional. Sounds good. The first two steps of winning Eurovision. Sounding modern or traditional is fine but the second step is to write something good. This is nice. Yep, I like it.

Summary

Okay and that’s it. Have I missed any? Apologies if I have – I’ll guess it was poop.

I’m not that impressed with this year’s line up. Not many outright shockers, or by contrast, outright amazing ones. Most of the songs are trying to do everything. So instead of just being a rock song or a ballad or a dance song. They do everything they can in 3 minutes and end up with no identity.

Lastly, so many were about making the world a better place and shit. Personally, if the amount of effort that’s been put into writing these songs about changing the world had been put into actually helping people out a lot more good would have been done.

So get off your arse and do something about it, cunts.

Each way bets: Finland, Spain, Sweden, Croatia and Moldova.

I know right? These guys did another album and no one is talking about it and no one cares. That’t not right. I loved their debut. Sure it was a mixed bag but I like that and enjoyed the majority of it. So why is no one talking about the follow up? Let’s do a track by track as I listen:

We Are The Dead

Okay, starts off pretty calm – almost mundane. Ah, then in come the marching beats and a simple synth line. Weird though, it’s not very intriguing. Seems kinda flat. Okay does it for far too long. Boring now. Beat. Fuller version of the same riff. Feels so considered and restrained. Doesn’t sound manic enough at all. Oh and now it loops goes back to the opening acoustic section. God this is dull and predictable. Someone microwaved their balls.

John Hurt

Again starts off quiet then into a “chaotic” chorus that just sounds as anarchic as using the wrong fork at a dinner party. Keane’s Is It Any Wonder was more of a surprise than this. Really crap vocals too. Fucking hell guys – What’s happened?

Pull Out My Insides

I’m thinking the same thing now. Jangly summery guitar. This sounds like a terrible Get Up Kids Song. Eye-wateringly bad lyrics. It needs a vocalist to sing on this – instead of the piss poor effort Mr Strainy manages here.

Yeah!

The most interesting track so far. No vocals. Thumbs up. Oh man, but forget what I said. It’s just so mild mannered and SHIT. FUCKING AWFUL FAUX ELECTRO ROCK PLAYED BY HAIRCUT FAGETS. IT’S ALL SO FUCKING TERRIBLE. The synth patches are DULL. The drumming sounds like it was faxed in from Status Quo. The guitars are biege bland. Songs take ages to build and then change direction into something that doesn’t work. Tempos are not quick enough. Really feels like listening to a DJ who’s slowing each track down for lolz. No momentum from the dynamics. REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING BAD.

The Monkeys Are Coming

Sound is weak. Cymbals are too quiet. This was a single? Hahaha. Awful, as above.

Wrong Time Wrong Planet

The bass tone has been the same on every song. Song itself sounds like Gorillaz – just worse.  I wouldn’t say there had been a song yet. It’s just been a mess of jumble that they noodled out while someone sat back and went “whoa there. That bit was a bit too loud. Better turn that down, eh, chaps? Oh and all these silly noises, let’s quantize them. Much better.” While simultaneously handing them chocolate biscuits and telling them it’ll be the best record of all time. You $ell-out fucks.

Wrestler

Sample is pretty good. Ah, now this track is much more like it. Bouncy and lots of wild sounds. This could have been off their debut album. Reminds me of the Lesbian Octopus one. Oh, bit of a shame it uses the sample again later on. The structure is EXACTLY the same as We Are The Dead. But when this one breaks the second time it’s actually good.

Wondering

Oh dear. If you’d like to hear some embarrassing rap. I recommend this. Let’s just close our eyes and ears and pretend it’s not happening. Ladedahdedah… OMG it got worse. The chorus is sang by the most lacklustre woman I’ve ever heard. Imagine if you sucked the colour out of a rich tea biscuit. That’s how nothing her voice is.

The Knife

Same bass tone. Lazy. Vocalist really trying to make it sound like he cares. Like a bad support act who thinks what they’re singing means everything and you just stare at your massively overpriced plastic glass of beer instead, search for hot young strumpets and wait for the main act.

Broken Arms

That’s it? Already. Oh end on a ballad? Oh good. You can only end on a ballad when you include some rock songs on your album. Unless you’re James Blunt and hey, even he was more varied than what you twunts have managed here. Is this going to build into something massive? Well it tries to but it’s just too slow. It’s not even as good as a Snow Patrol song.

Conclusion. 40 minutes wasted. The worst song off their debut is better than anything here. Every song is 4 minutes long – Now that’s when you know you’re being taken advantage of. No thought into any of these songs. Sounds like they were knocked together as an aside from getting drunk and playing badly live. Go back and listen to Battle Royale from their first album – there’s real depth to it. There’s great synth work and it builds in a way that feels wild but natural at the same time.

SO WHAT WENT WRONG?

Well, in my opinion, Does It Offend You, Yeah? have blended their styles so the quiet bits are the verse and the “wild” electrobashy bits are the chorus. A truly terrible idea which reduces their shock and awe dynamic to a much more expected and diluted experience.

The new album is just some half-formed ideas, produced terribly, and more shocking than all – dull. I’ve said that word loads already but I’ll say it again! DULL! How did they manage that?! And that’s why the album bombed. I mean, not that commercial success should ever be used to benchmark how good something is, but I do feel that when you’re already quite commercially and independently successful and your next album bombs it’s because it fucking sucks.

Basically – fuck you Does It Offend You, Yeah?

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. The album is ancient. Well, you’re right but I’ve been getting a few emails saying “you never review any metal”. And that’s funny to me for the following reason:

THERE ISN’T ANY NEW METAL.

Anyway, I was in HMV the other day and in the metal section. I kind of wander past it with that brief interest on a genre long since dead. I’m always amazed that there aren’t any new albums there. Or if there are it’s bands who existed 15 years ago or a side project by the front man. Admittedly this is HMV we’re talking about but even so I think the point remains valid. The popular metal scene is finished and split into either pop music dressed in gothy outfits but with McFly guitars (that applies to most metal band in the last ten years who have had a top 40 single) or tiny genres of doom, thrash or every other possibility – where only the former genre is popular. And that’s cos it isn’t actually metal.

I agree with one of my close friends (@faulknmd) opinion that “Anthrax’s Sound Of White Noise represents the last great metal album”. And when I say “metal” I mean vocals that sing aggressively but don’t scream and solos, etc you know? After this album came nu-metal and everything went tits up. I listen to Sound of White Noise at least once or twice a year and still love it. Sure, there must be a bit of nostalgia there too but I still rate it as a perfect album. I mean, I used to like Korn more than anything when I was, er, whatever age I was in 1994 and I thought they were the best thing. But try to listen to all of a Korn album now. It’s easier to strangle yourself with Mini-Me’s dick.

Turds have a better audible experience being flushed than the average listener to this album.

So while trawling for something new in this section I came across Anthrax and was like “whoa, these guys are still going?”. I have fond memories of Sound of White Noise. I remember when it came out and the artwork was totally different from every other metal album. The font they used for the song titles was totally un-metal (at the time) and the song titles sounded like they could be from 2 Unlimited. I had this huge fear – “I’m not buying that – they must have sold out and are playing a different genre”. You know the way you are when you’re a child and you like metal and therefore no other type of music is allowed? The way you grow out of unless you’re a scientist?

So yes, songs like Hy Pro Glow and Burst made me not buy it. Then I remember it being on a listening post in Our Price, listening to Only and buying it immediately.

I'm sorry - what does Track 9 say?!

Anyway while I looked at Anthrax in HMV the other day I saw that they had several Greatest Hits collections and scouring them I noticed that none of them contained ANY tracks from this album. I was like “Hang on now. This was/is the best thing they ever did. WTF?”. I mean, sure, they changed singer on this album (to someone who was good) and they had lyrics that for the first time actually came across like some thought had gone into them. So compared to previous examples such as “Got The Time”, “I’m The Man” or the truly Kafkaesque “Now It’s Dark” I’m sure “Potter’s Field” or “Packaged Rebellion” just didn’t hold up. I guess for the average thrash-fan you’ve already shaken all your braincells out after a couple of albums.

The album starts with an awful lot of white noise (Title may have given that away…) then some scientist dude saying “This is a journey into sound” (That fear of it being a dance album back to the forefront of my mind) then in come the guitars and drums. And oh my it sounds good. Very chuggy indeed. What’s noticeable is the loudness of everything. The drums are crystal against the bass and the guitars are a wall of balanced distortion and tone with the vocals bang centre. An embarrassment to the production styles of rock and metal over the last ten years where everything suffers just to balance the vocal.

And then we’re into it and the songs blaze by. I was going to try and do a song-by-song but a) you don’t care and b) I don’t care about you. They are all as great as they ever were.

I mean, of course, it’s a little bit silly. It’s loud guitars and a gruff man shouty-singing. Not only that, but it’s ripe for parody. Every fourth line he holds the last syllable - you could imagine that dude from CSI Miami putting his sunglasses on afterwards. YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH!

“Transparent at critical moments
you drop me when your hands aren’t full
you call yourself my closest friend
then you make yourself invisibuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul”

But in my honest opinion, I think those lyrics are pretty good. Even with the tenuous invisible/full rhyme. But you get the idea.

To get back to what I was saying before – it’s strange none of the songs here are on the Greatest Hits album. I went back and listened to Anthrax’s earlier stuff and it’s fucking terrible now. Stinky head banging nonsense. Which means their Greatest Hits is total bawls. Even their collab with Public Enemy on Bring The Noise sounds dated now. Maybe this albums fuller sound didn’t sit well with their fanbase. Living up to their long hair the fucking girls.

For me, the change in style is what makes this album. It’s a thrash band who want to evolve working with a grunge producer who had just recently recorded Alice In Chains’ “Dirt”. It’s fair to say that Dave Jerden produced two of the best albums of all time in less than a year. The bastard.

*edit* Oh and one more thing, if you listen to it on Spotify  - don’t listen to any of the bonus tracks. They are all shit. As far as I’m concerned the album finishes after This Is Not An Exit.

Okay, Best-artist-of-2011-as-chosen-by-the-BBC, let’s see what your album is made of. I have to say when I first heard the debut single Do It Like A Dude and been confronted with her bad-tranny outfit I was expecting a similar stylisation to GaGa. You know that “is she a man?” thing that GaGa perpetuated. Just a quick glance at a picture of Jessie J and then the song being called Do It Like A Dude just suggested a transgender artist which would have been quite exciting.

Before listening to the album and writing the review I just want you to be aware that regardless of my opinion here I’m going to see Jessie J in Glasgow as I got tickets. So it better not be bawls. (Hmm, I may have just cursed it.)

Price Tag

The first lyric of the album is “Okay, coconut man”.

The second lyric of the album is “moon heads”

How odd. Musically a happy-go-lucky RnB tune. If you hate that phrase then you will despise this. Nicely EQ’d guitar with overly simple drum beat. Very summer-y feeling. After the shit winter we’ve had that can only be a good thing, eh? Really good mix, backing vocals fill out the overall sound. Now I’m concentrating on it, the drum beat is pretty bland with no fills or anything. Just a dead loop. Some bad audio editing on them too when the sounds cut out before the chorus. Jessie’s voice is strong and confident – liking it a lot. Honest lyrics, no clangers that make you wince in embarrassment. Really good verse from BoB.

Yeah, a great opener to an album. But best new artist of 2011? This is basically Ms Dynamite from early 2000.

Nobody’s Perfect

Oh, nice guitar sample – shame it’s buried in the mix. Wow, the production on this track is weak. Her voice is booming – crushing all other sounds. Poor show. No dynamics on this track, the drums are either playing a pattern, or they aren’t. I can hear a whole arrangement turned down in the mix. Sounds like a live recording where the drummer and Jessie were in one room with a microphone and the rest of the band were playing next door.

Also, way over the top vocally for a second song. Never a good idea for your second song to be called Nobody’s Perfect. Sets you up for a kicking. Weak.

Abracadabra

Again, bad drum sample. One bar loop for fuck’s sake. Awful. Fuck me, the chorus comes in and the fucking drum beat is the SAME. Not only that, the song feels like it’s missing a whole middle range of accompaniment. Why is it like this? Really lazy. Rules of Jessie J’s songs so far? On the chorus keep the same beat but just throw in a hi-hat. YAWN. On the verses just bass drum and snare. Song fades out? Real shame that – song sounds really rushed like they had to get it out quick. Congrats you’re first to being last.

Big White Room (Live)

A live track? This should show what she’ll be like live… Oh. BORING. Oh dear. Just an acoustic guitar and her voice? What makes it worse is Jessie J is doing that warbly shriek awfulness. You know, running through vocal scales like Mariah Carey did when she wasn’t an overgrown Oompa Loompa. This is really like someone auditioning for X Factor. You could just imagine Cheryl Cole with her dumb fucking moon face grinning like a spastic eating rice pudding as Jessie sang – Hang on. Hold that thought. Haha. Hahahah. Hahahahhahhah. I’m, er, not sure I should laugh but she can’t say “Crazy”. It’s like Jonathan Ross saying it. She has an unfortunate issue where she can’t pronounce her “r”s. So we get “Cwazy” And the chorus is “I’m going cwazy” four times in a row. Is that funny? Laughing at a speech impediment?  This song is absolute mongo drool so the answer today is clearly yes.

Five and a half minutes long too? Fuck off. I’ve paid money for this. I demand a fucking refund for this song being on the album. Worst song I’ve heard all year. Worse than anything on the James Blake album. And then a whole load of Sun newspaper readers clap and cheer at the end just like X Factor.

Casualty of Love

Okay, that last one was probably a blip. It has to get better.

…Nope. Jessie J hates me. This is musically invisible. A talent contest at your local school will have performances more convincing. The lyrics are cringe-inducing. Loads of warbling too. No arrangements just thin piano with no emotional engagement. I’m sure in different hands this track could have had a real sparkle to it. Even with the same vocal and awful lyrics. The producer, engineer and mixer for this album should be set on fire. It’s not Jessie J’s fault. She can only turn up and sing her songs. It’s about the team she works with that need to up their game. Saying this, it may be that she produced it. In which case she should go in the fire. Oh now I feel bad cos everytime I hear her say something like “lost in the cwowd” I notice it. Now I’ve made you notice it too.

Rainbow

Thank fuck. A beat! Wow, starts a little like the chorus of Halo by Beyonce. And that’s clearly an influence. Oh again, they’ve edited her voice to repeat her saying “Rainbow” so we get “Wainbow”. Whoever produced this was some cruel motherfucker. Making all her songs have Rs in. Cunts.

This track is better though. All the instruments (as per the rest of the album) are turned down. So no feeling or emotion here. I’m sure if you get off on a drum beat and a Mariah Carey warble this is for you. But I like a bit of tune to go with my warble. You went to all the trouble of recording those instruments why not let us hear them, eh? Golly, awful sudden ending. Really naff.

Who’s Laughing Now

Your record label? Okay, Missy Elliot influence right at the start. Pretty neat. Then a synth which is ripping off Yeah by Usher. Again though, it’s turned down so you may not even hear it. Shame this album could do with some BIG SOUNDS to liven it up. The whole thing seems very throwaway. Lyrically, only Price Tag made me give a fuck.

Having said that, this is good. Clearly the only single she can release from this cancerous tuneless turd of an album.

Do It Like A Dude

Again with the quiet guitars that should be much stronger. Totally different style to everything on the album. This is the sound I wanted from the album. Instead I got a castrated Christina Aguilera. This track might not set the world alight but I do rather like her overall sound on this.

Unfortunately, her album is a lie. Her love is terrible RnB from the 90s that anyone who wants to listen to should be sent back in time and to Unit 731 (google it).

Mama Knows Best

I am pro-choice. The title and content of this song has made me question this. Maybe Mama didn’t know best.

L.O.V.E.

This is getting unbearable. Spoken word shitness. Opening lyrics = worst lyrics I’ve heard since Nine Inch Nails’ last album:

“I said I’d never write a song about love
But when it feels this good a song fits like a glove
The way you hold me, and you tell me,
That you miss me and call me Milky
Fuck it, I’m gonna write a song about love.”

Milky? Also, based on that experience I may have been in love with many more people than I’d realised. Holding? Saying you miss them (don’t have to fucking mean it) and call them a racial slur? Jessie – we should date.

Song skipped.

Stand Up

FUCKING AWFUL. Thought I hadn’t skipped the last one: “Stand up for the love”. Sounds like the last one.

Song skipped.

I Need This

You know what I need? I need one of those leather gloves they wore in the 1800s. And go directly up to the producers of this shit pile of wound rot and slap them squarely across the face with it. Like how you challenged them to a duel back in the old days? Oh no, it’s got worse. I should plug every single opening of their bodies up with speakers and play Britney Spears’ Womanizer at 300 decibels or until their internal organs liquefied and spurted out through their pores.

Who You Are

A fake. A charlatan dressed as an Emo princess. The cover suggests a strong female, potentially transgender, dark and mysterious. Instead I appear to be listening to an unreleased Girls Aloud album. No, that’s not fair on Girls Aloud. They at least knew pop tunes and had killer hooks. This has NO FUCKING HOOKS. It’s fucking godawful sphincter clenching trash. Cheesy like a teenager’s unwashed bellend and as musically clumsy as a virgin trying to stick it in.

Maybe I’m wrong but to my ears this sounds like it was produced and engineered in Britain by the kind of talentless cocks who produce X-Factor singles and other terrible hate crimes upon music. The ones who help produce the artist Britain enters in Eurovision. You know, the ones who think they know what proper dance music is but don’t own any compressors and fail on every level? Because that’s what is wrong with this album. Fair enough, it wasn’t what I was after but a decent RnB album would have been okay. Just not a tawdry RnB album like Brandy or Destiny’s Child in a coma. It’s not fresh, it’s not reflective of today’s music, it’s like a decade of music hasn’t happened. Jessie J has not been pushed hard enough. It is weak and lazy. And sure you can play the cynic and say all pop music is manufactured, etc, but Lady GaGa and Ke$ha at least have a great sound. May be terrible as well, but they have a great SOUND. All I heard here was some squawking and two different drum beats.

Okay, so as with Ellie Goulding I did my research on Mr Blake before checking out the album. Not really won over by anything but felt there maybe was something to a few of the demos. I think the BBC have gotten a bit carried away.

Unluck

Interesting. It’s like a remix of an existing song where the remixer’s idea is to put abstract noises in. Very experimental so far. Maybe not in a bad way – just not in a “WOW!” way. Can’t find any verses or choruses here… Oh wait, that was the song over? Hopefully that was just a weird intro.

Wilhelms Scream

It would appear that it started as it means to go on. This could be the same song. It’s like Radiohead on Kid A without any melody or rhythm. Like the bit you get after a song is finishing after its crescendo and this is the section that fades out, and if you listened carefully enough you may catch your favourite artist cough or laugh or something before it disappears. Bit of beat came in. May have been hearing my own pulse though.

I Never Learnt To Share

Very Antony & the Johnsons this. Except if you got someone with cerebral palsy to manually control the mixing desk. His voice is lovely though. All it needs is a reason to have been recorded. Hang on, bit of a sound coming in – nah, just thin notes mind. Are we getting somewhere? … Nope. Really now. This is poor. Finally a bargain bucket bass drum from yesteryear comes in with a bit of that dubby sound everyone’s been raving on about. Joke really, nothing to it. The Wurzels have better beats.

Lindesfarne I

I can honestly say that the millisecond it took to click Play was more enthralling than everything I have heard so far.

Oh, now you’re taking the piss. Is this someone pretending to be a cyberman for 3 minutes? I believe it is, yes.

Lindesfarne II

Holy cunts. This is the exact same song from before except with instrumentation. And by instrumentation I mean like someone eating ball bearings and then pissing on a drumkit. If I gave a 2 year old a voice pedal and recorded the stuff they did it would genuinely be better. I have not enjoyed a single moment of this. Not even the silence.

Limit To Your Love

OMG. Music. Yes, this was what I was expecting. When a song you think was “okay” is the best thing on the album so far you know his career is fucked. Still desperately average and unremarkable. Also, where are the underground production influences I was promised?

Give Me My Month

More piano at least. Yay! An instrument. It’s Antony & the Johnsons trapped in a toilet roll – the sound is so padded and cold. Like a rape victim choking on the plastic bag that’s suffocating them.

To Care (Like You)

This might be the best thing on the album. It’s a lot more raggedy and nastily cut together. Female singer counters his voice nicely. Could be good – or could be cos everything else has been so bad. That kinda false shit happened when I tried to review all of Eurovision, remember?

Why Don’t You Call Me

Why aren’t I asleep/dead yet?

I Mind

Ooh, again. This I quite like. We get a beat and rhythm for a minute or so then it starts to die a long whimpering death and even when the beat comes back I’ve lost interest. Yeah, scrap what I said. This one is like the return of the slave trade. Punishing.

Measurements

Vocally bland. Emotionally blank. I’ve sung better songs on the toilet… I’ve sung better songs into the toilet.

Summary

Well, what can I say to that? In a nutshell, it’s the sound of someone prolapsing at 20bpm for 38 minutes.

Since there are no songs maybe there’ll be some great remixes. I’ve never been left so passive while listening to an album. I wonder if it would improve if instead of having it in 320kbps I recoded it in 4kbps? Might sound more grainy and “underground” then. I’m going to go listen to Animal Collective now to see if this album beats it to worst thing that has ever received ”critical acclaim”.

It’s as if someone gave a record deal to a tannoy announcer at the airport. Not a single moment peaks for me. I’m all for experimental but if you don’t have a song you need melody or dynamics. This has neither. And although I was expecting there to be no melody I was really hoping it would be built on peaks and troughs dynamically. As it isn’t, nothing moves me here.

Surely a contender for most boring thing in music? I know the crown is on Leona Lewis or Ellie Goulding but there are parallels with the latter. At least Goulding worked with a producer who added some OOOMPF to her sound. Otherwise – let’s face it – she’d just be another Dido. I’m sure if we got Keane or James Blunt to work with Goulding’s producer they’d not be thought of as so boring. Crap, of course. But not boring. And there’s the pitfall Mr Blake fell into – crap and boring.

I mean I enjoy experimental stuff. I like drone. I like minimalist ambience and carefully whispered beats. Fuck, I actually like dubstep! So fucking cock-ends from the Guardian shouting about this being post-dubstep  and a “masterpiece” suggest they don’t know what they’re talking about. And as George Monbiot writes for them let’s assume they don’t (obvious troll is obvious).

But is this music? Is it supposed to be, I mean? I’m happy for this to exist. Just don’t be calling it bold and daring when it’s a massive failure of composition. It certainly ain’t something people will be listening to en masse in 2011. For those folk who’ll say things like “you just don’t understand – he’s underground! He’s experimental.”; to that I say “WASTE YOUR LIFE SOME OTHER WAY, FANNY BAWS”. Besides, if he wanted to be experimental surely he should have just made it 1 track and 38 mins long?

Conclusion: If someone busked these songs they would fucking starve.

Diane Birch – Bible Belt

When I did my Eurovision post earlier this year I woke up at 4am on a Saturday unable to sleep. I figured it was a sign to do something productive so I decided to listen to all of Eurovision and review how awful everything was. You’ve already seen the results of that. What I did not mention was that I was using Spotify at the time and it came up advising me to check out Diane Birch’s album. The cover was hypnotic – I think Ms Birch bewitched me during those early hours! Sure, there’s room to suggest that listening to any album after 2010 Eurovision would cause it to be amazing but in this case the album struck a chord – something that very rarely happens – and by 8am I had downloaded it from amazon. Starting from the wonderful Fire Escape and all the way to the end there is no let up from old school gospel soul songs.

At a pinch I’d say Nothing But A Miracle is the weakest of the bunch and bizarrely also the song chosen as a single. Not the best introduction to her work. It’s all about the moments of pure magic that dot the album. Three minutes into Rise Up; the end section of Photograph; the list goes on and on. Sure you could probably sit on your musical snobbery horse and ask why someone would make music that sounds like it’s from the 60s gospel. But this isn’t some Pixie Lott/Duffy crap this is song writing at its best. And it’s the songs that matter most.

Best Moments – Rewind, Rise Up

Woodhands -Remorsecapade

I can’t remember when exactly in 2010 that I heard the band that made the biggest impact on me in 2010. But the band was Woodhands and it was down to them appearing on a few different random playlists on 8tracks that my girlfriend was checking out. Remorsecapade is one of the greatest records of recent times. Completely “now” and always fascinating. On the first few listens a trend appears where every second song is amazing. Tracks 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 are outright stunning. But that’s not to say that the others aren’t great – they just aren’t as good. But each one is still better than 95% of anything I’ve heard before.

Best Moments – Coolchazine, CP24

Yeasayer – ODD BLOOD

Okay so apart from being put off by the album cover I thought this would be too hipster-ish to be good. But again after several tunes were heard on Alice’s 8tracks I decided to buy their record. Foolishly, I bought their debut which didn’t really do anything for me. It came across as all poopy MGMT and, let’s be honest, MGMT are poopy enough. I realised all the songs I’d heard were from their second album. Doh. So on their second album they have honed that experimental sound into something people may want to actually listen to. Is it pop? It’s certainly not rock! To me it’s absolutely fantastic and I love every single moment of it. It’s the kind of pop music that people who love pop don’t like but everyone on the indie/hipster scene think are great because it’s their opinion of what pop is. If that makes sense. Either way, all their singles bombed (#190 being the highest chart position they made) so keep trying lads.

Best Moments – O.N.E., Love Me Girl

Kele – The Boxer

Fucking hell Bloc Party are the worst band ever. Aren’t they? Nope, you didn’t post your comment fast enough so I take that as a universal acceptance that the entire internet agrees that Bloc Party are the worst band of all time. The flushing of my toilet trips is a more wondrous sound than anything Bloc Party have ever created. So it comes as a major fuck you to me that Kele on his own is astoundingly brilliant. The massive cock. Wasting his time with a crap band of white folk with no skills. Anyway, his record – like everything else I like – is a totally “now” sounding record.

Best Moments – Tenderoni, Everything You Wanted

Ke$ha – Animal

Yeah, I’m not fucking kidding. I bet in 2012 noone knows who the heck Ke$ha is but let’s be honest have a look at all your favourite bands that came out last year. The same will apply. Except Ke$ha made one of the best commercial pop albums. Every song is a gem – carefully crafted to appeal to its audience. If you love pop you cannot fail to love this. If you go to the gym (and you should you fat fuck) the first 6 tracks are the only ones you need. It’s an embarrassment to all the dance music I heard last year that Ke$ha’s record is so good. Sidechained synths and songs about fucking are all that matters in music. Anyone who tells you different plays a guitar and cuts themselves.

Best Moments – Take It Off, Your Love Is My Drug

The Phantom Band – The Wants

A friend at work recommended their debut album, Checkmate Savage, and I was kind of taken in. I was interested to hear what they’d sound like on their second album. They are now the best Scottish band. If you weren’t aware of this I’m glad to inform you. It’s like a truck carrying Leonard Cohen, the Bad Seeds, the gods of electro and a fuckton of xylophones crashed and this band were born from the leftovers. It’s the sound of a band finding their own direction and style. Each song sounds like it’s been jammed a thousand times and recorded when every second flowed perfectly together. Although more of an album than collection of songs the defining moment for me comes three tracks in on Everybody Knows It’s True. Which for me is the greatest song of the year. By the gods – it’s perfect!

Best Moments: Everybody Knows It’s True, A Glamour

Talons – Hollow Realm

On the back of the best gig of 2010 (Three Trapped Tigers, Talons, Dead Boy Robotics @ Electric Circus, Edinburgh) I hunted out everything I could by Talons. One of the problems with postrock is it’s very difficult to find a terrible band. It all sounds the same really when all you’ve got is guitars, bass and drums. It all becomes a bit Rod Stewart or Manic Street Preachers after a while. So the dynamic of two violins gives Talons such a great power. I remember getting that hairs on the back of your neck standing up feeling during some of the peaks of their songs. I think the album comes close to capturing that feeling – it’s not always successful as capturing the live dynamic but it is always wonderfully flowing and at times beautiful. My only criticism is the absence of the track Trevelyan. Clearly one of my favourite songs which was given out as a free internet download prior to the album’s release and I am disappointed that was not there. Especially since the record is 8 songs long.

Best Moments: Peter Pan, In The Shadow Of Our Stilted Homes

Zoe Keating – Into The Trees

Another Zoe Keating album – another album of the year. Haunting and wondrous at the same time. A cello and a loop pedal. You can guess what it sounds like. Perfect. As with everything she’s released.

Best Moments – Escape Artist, Optimist

Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Nightmare

You know I was going to leave this off. I was all set to give this to Daft Punk’s Tron soundtrack. Heck, Kanye is on EVERYONE’s best album of the year list. I don’t want to go with the flow. My first opinion after hearing this was “it’s okay”. It certainly wasn’t what I was hungry for – which was another 808s And Heartbreaks. Lotta hate for that album but it’s really the only thing I’ve truly liked by him. But after I really sat down and listened to this I realised all the amazing stuff from 808s is here. He’s used the skills he gained on that record and put them all over this album. What can I say – if you like rap records you will like this. I am impressed by it more than anything. The strength of the songs is frightening. It’s not just like most hip hop records nowadays which loop a beat for 3 mins and then get a woman to sing the chorus. This is challenging and sure the guy is an ego tripping tool some of the time. But fucking hell, right now, if you have a facebook you have an ego. So go kill yourself.

Best Moments – Monster, So Appalled

Crystal Castles – II

Last we get to Crystal Castles’ album. Much better than their debut. Great sounds and great use of harsh nasty electronic shrieks. Never comfortable listening. Can’t imagine anyone will remember it in five years but does that make it any less good? Nope.

Best Moments – Intimate, Celestica

So that wraps that up. If you want to argue with these choices by all means do (you’re already wrong). I’ve made a totally kick ass playlist from these tunes on Spotify. Unfortunately it doesn’t work. So instead I’ve made it on 8tracks.com which is an awesome site you should check out. Anyway, click here and you can listen to it all for free:

Ghostsmut’s 2010 Albums of the Year Playlist

Nearly theres:

Daft Punk – Tron: Legacy Soundtrack
Foals – Total Life Forever
Kate Nash – My Best Friend Is You
Klaxons – Surfing The Void
Magnetic Man – Magnetic Man

Albums I WANTED to be Album of the Year but were massive sacks of piss

Laura Marling – I Speak Because I Can

Holy fuck! I love your first album. Every single beat is delicious. What the hell happened? Did you drive somewhere at 88mph and go back in time to when music wasn’t good and decide to repeat it? Christ. All your instrumentation is gone. All your dynamics. Your whole fucking sound is gone. You’re started pronouncing words like they sounded in medieval days. If you like old music that much perhaps you should have stayed in the kitchen. (This comment conflicts with the Diane Birch review earlier. Hey, to be a human is to be a hypocrite). Hey also, your album title is FUCKING GASHOLOGY! How about I Cook Because I Can?

Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip – The Logic Of Chance

Oh. How did this occur? Maybe it’s rushed? Too soon after the birth of a great debut? Maybe I’m just making excuses. I know this disappeared off the face of the planet and no one even noticed it was released. That seems to have happened for a reason. Very disappointing. Couple of okay tunes but even at its peak nowhere near the worst song off Angles. Take a breather you two. We expect better.

The Qemists – Spirit In The System

Like MSTRKRFT’s second album the band have fallen into that trap of “we met lots of cool famous folk after we made our debut – let’s get them all in to do vocals.” Hey, as Pendulum also found – with more vocals come less respectability. Sounds like an anus prolapsing following the withdrawal of Keith Flint’s tiny penis.

65daysofstatic – We Were Exploding Anyway (Aka HERPY DERPY DERP DERP)

Waking up to find your partner had placed your scrotum in a George Foreman grill and your hands and feet into a sandwich press would feel better than waking up with the daily realisation that 65daysofstatic released this ear cancer.

Anathema – We’re Here Because We’re Here

Anathema, once one of my favourite bands, have always trodden the line between beautiful and boring. This album just finds them being the latter. Also – album title is shit.

Note. All albums on this list have been purchased and legally obtained. Therefore I am right about everything.