First things first. That cover. O.M.G. It’s been a while since I saw such a stinker of a cover. It’s like a warning to all saying “hey, in a couple of years time you will be so embarrassed by this record you may as well just not buy me now”. Clever ploy by Gaga… ah, fuck is it. It’s a crusty speculum of an album cover. As hopeless as sitting on a glass dildo, singing a high C so it shatters and then trying to pull out the shards. Nasty.
Also, portraying yourself as a bike is just asking for misreadings. And by that, I mean pretending to be something you’re not. For all this chat of being “Born This Way” Gaga seems to do an awful lot of pretending. Lots of kissy kiss and near nude romps in her videos. Well, I don’t believe it. Cock tease is all she is. At least you knew Madonna fucked the dicks off most of her social scene back in the day. Hell, I’m sure back in the 80s and 90s she considered it a bad night if she didn’t wake up with at least ten types of fluid from different donors in or on her. And full respect to Madonna for that. Gaga has probably never had a dick in her mouth and would throw a tantrum if you spilt wine on her sofa (not a euphemism).
So that for me is the failings of Lady Gaga. I just don’t believe the act. Not yet anyway.
Now, let’s listen to the new record and see what we get:
Marry The Night
Simple rule of song writing. Start by singing the chorus slowly to imprint it into thick people’s heads. Then start the song and repeat it. It’s quite nice. Was expecting more really. Sounds like the theme music to a children’s tv show made in Japan. Nice thick side chain synth (which I love). Or maybe it’s just a really 90s song with a bit of new spangly production. By the last minute or so we enter what I call the Perpetual Chorus Syndrome. Gaga tries to break it up by stopping everything for a clapping section but it sounds pretty tired. In the last 50 seconds a new synth comes in which is great but probably a minute too late. Yeah, too long.
Born This Way
Enough’s been written about this. Find someone else’s review. All I will say is I’ve never heard Madonna’s “version” but this is still a great track. Really brilliant chorus. Maybe could do with more backing vocals in the mix but otherwise it’s ace.
Oh god. This is a shoegaze opera singer saying “Gaga” over and over. This isn’t really anything exciting. In fact the chorus has a striking similarity to Groove Is In The Heart by Deee-Lite. Not the chords or anything just the overall sound but darker. Mixed in with a load of European EBM done badly. Way too fucking long. Shut up you silly woman.
Starts like Bad Romance. Yeah, this is good. Isn’t so much a song as an out and out remix. Oh cocks, awful chorus though. Her voice isn’t right – too plain and basic. Almost Britney-like with her hamfisted attempt at singing nicely. No power or feeling there. Maybe Girls Aloud. Too bad. This album is clearly a mixed bag. Previously her releases have been hit and miss but on this album the song structures and compositions are hit and miss! So a song is good for a bit then rubbish. Just runs out of steam and stops. Blah.
This one is FUCKING DREADFUL. Sounds like I’ve heard it before too. Has an OOMPA OOMPA rhythm section and could easily have been a null point Eurovision entry. Do yourself a favour if you’re ever in a car with someone and they put this on – take your seatbelt off and crash.
So corny. Girl band fodder. Haha, although saying that the chorus is great. Nice arrangement. Sounds like eurotrance Sasha-esque mixed with Lars Ulrich from Metallica on drums. I think the whole album has had maybe two drum patterns on it. Hideous. This song is good though. And the lyrics are fantastically dumb – It’s about how she’s as “free as her hair”. #facepalm
Oh shame on you for fading out though.
Oh good. It’s Gaga doing her spoken word thing. I do wish she would shut her fucking trap once in a while. The spoken word routine is getting annoying. Good backing though, great synths. Not sure about the Faithless Insomnia bit. Yeah, by the chorus it’s lost all that it was at the beginning. Really very, very similar to songs on Apoptygma Berzerk’s Harmonizer album. Sounds like someone took loads of old songs and cut and pasted them together. The backing female vocal is directly taken from that Justin Timberlake Sexy Back song.
Vocally anaemic. Sounds like she just woke up then did the vocals. Wrong pacing, tempo is a little off. This really sounds like another album I’ve had for ages. I just can’t place it. It’s so astounding uneven and wasteful. This track especially could be on in a supermarket and you’d not realise it. You might buy extra toilet paper though.
Ha, got some crazy guy screaming at the beginning. Oh hang on, that’s Gaga. Again with the fucking drop in thickness for the chorus. Starts off guns blazing and then collapses into another Betty Boo mid-paced snore fest. Fuck’s sake this is pissing me off now. We’re into the filler of the album and it’s so incomprehensible vacuous I feel my testicles drying up.
Highway Unicorn (Road To Love)
Again, strong start. Are you going to collapse into nothing? No, we get a nice sub bass. Ooh yeah, this is ace. Like the use of space and sinister driving bass. Oh fuck off. Then the chorus comes in and she sings it in her all pleasant voice. Then all the song texture is dissolved A-FUCKING-GAIN for a diseased eurocrap chorus. Fuck you Gaga. That “We Can Be Strong” chorus makes me physically sick. I’m going for a shit… BORED THIS WAY
Heavy Metal Lover
Oh man, all these songs are 4 minutes. That’s like Jessie J and it’s not right. All of these would be much better at 3 or maybe 3 and a half mins. That extra 30 seconds is killing these.
Fucking loving the side chained dubstep bass on this. Bit ruder lyrics = good. Could do with being a bit more engaging. Only enough ideas for 2 minutes here though and it’s 4 minutes long. Go away.
Could be the riff from any heavy metal album. Much better, she sings it straight and then when the chorus comes in it feels a lot more natural. Sounds like she doesn’t care sometimes. Could be Your Favourite Game by The Cardigans. Vocally and everything. Too long. Of course.
You And I
Love it. Doesn’t fit on the album at all. Imagine a song written by Nickleback and Cher. This would be it. I mean, kinda like what she’s trying to do. I just loathe this type of music. Texas will love it.
The Edge Of Glory
Back to the eurosynths, back to the toilet.
Move along people, nothing to see here. I was expecting more than this. I thought it was supposed to be shocking? This is just some twee girls hopes and dreams sang meekly. Some of the songs here are on a par with the output from Ark Music (of Rebecca Black fame). I’m not saying it’s bad like “Friday” but some of their other “artists” sound just like the majority of this album.
You wonder if Rebecca Black had dressed up in a meat suit a couple of years ago she’d be who everyone was banging on about. Lyrically, I can’t tell the difference.
There’s nothing awful here to be honest. There’s just nothing to get too excited about. If your music taste is undeveloped you’ll maybe get something from it. But if you look around elsewhere you’ll find pop songs billions of times better than anything here (bar the song Born This Way maybe). They won’t be prancing about naked or being more annoying that Morrissey though.
Still, if Ms Gaga wants to prove that she’s out to shock and is really about sexual empowerment I shall be waiting for her to pop over. It can be her next video. She’ll need to do a song that’s less than 3 minutes though.